it comes in pints?

Live From Emily's Sofa

I have to confess it. I'm a bit obsessed with the film Battlefield Earth. Certainly not because it's in any way a good film. It's one of the worst steaming piles of movie poo ever conceived by Hollywood. It's not just the bad acting, bad directing, bad script and bad cinematography. It's the entire idea that someone - ANYONE - would be a part of sinking one hundred million dollars into the production, marketing and distribution of this film that baffles me to the core. So, this Saturday morning, while I wait for my bread to knead and rise and before I make my monthly batch of mayonnaise, I am going to live blog it so that those of you without stout enough hearts to witness this catastrophe for yourselves might have a glimpse into the film whose very title has become long shrift for the word "suck."

I.E., if someone might ask me if Stupid Movie X is worth the purchase price, I'm wont to respond "It's a total Battlefield Earth," meaning "only go see it if your up for a major crap-fest." The only reason this film has not surpassed Pink Flamingos to take the top spot on my personal list of worst movies ever is because it does not feature a transvestite eating dog poop.

Coffee? Check. Marlboros? Check. Okay. Here we go.

WARNING: This is probably one of the stupidest things you will ever read on the internet.

For starters, a little bit of background. You'll be hard pressed to find any positive reviews of this film anywhere and because the book was written by Shitology founder Elron Hubman (sic, on purpose), chances are if you do encounter one, it's by a brainwashed cult victim. Sheila has a great compilation of bad reviews here. Enough venom has been spewed about this film to make this entry pointless other than for my own amusement (and that's pretty much what this entire blog is, so sod off to some other corner of the internet if you don't like it).

Box Office Mojo lists the production costs at $73 million and marketing at $30 million, with a world-wide take of $29 million. They didn't even recover their marketing cost! Consider also the fact that Shitology basically ordered their adherents to attend viewings of the film upwards of four to five times to boost the box office - one of their worst human rights abuses to date, among their many - and you can get a pretty good idea of how many people avoided this movie like a syphillis-infested cat house with a famous roach problem.

One special note - the first time I watched this DVD on my laptop, it automatically, without warning or asking permission, istalled something called "PC Friendly DVD" on my computer with a menu that I was mercifully allowed to skip over asking me to register with personal details about my address and phone number. I'm pretty sure this is a Shitology maneuver, so whatever you do, if for some reason this entry piques your interest to watch the film, seriously consider not viewing on it your computer if you have other means and DO NOT provide any personal details in the register menu. The fact that any DVD would come with such crap attached to it pisses me off, but anyway...it also comes with a card offering a $2.50 rebate if you provide proof of purchase of both the book and DVD versions of Battlefield Earth. Two dollars and fifty cents...for those of you who should really stop getting in touch with your inner masochist. Again, provide Shitology with your name and address and they will bother you for the rest of your life. Or at least until you move.

Enough blather. Let's get started. Though I should mention that while writing the intro to this, I had to mute the DVD menu just because the music was so annoying. This film is bad starting from the menu.

Ah, opening credits. I used to think that John Deere green was the most hideous shade of that color the human mind could contrive. I was wrong. There is now Battlefield Earth green. Imagine if some special form of radiation was invented for the specific purpose of making boogers glow like neon. That's the color I'm talking about.

Here's the premise of the film: it is the year 3000 A.D. A cruel race of aliens called Psychlos have taken over the Earth in order to mine it for precious metals, though to what purpose has never made clear. Psychlos do not appear to adorn themselves with excessive jewelry nor do the shots of their planet indicate their special need for these materials. "Man is now an endagered species," the film declares at the opening, in booger glow. Human kind are hiding in caves without basic comforts, like electricity and running water. Those who do not live in this manner are kept as slaves by the Psychlos for cheap labor.

Our film's hero, Jonnie Somethingorother, is rebellious and questions the superstition of his tribe's belief in "the gods." He is tired of the limits of hiding and decides to venture out in to the wider world, leaving behind his true love, to find proof of these dieties. He has now stumbled upon the remnants of what used to be a miniature golf course and two other fellows on the hunt for food. They believe that what is left of former statues are people that were frozen as punishment for defying "the gods" during an age where food would magically appear from "golden arches" (bet you can't catch that reference, right?).

Remember, this is ONE THOUSAND YEARS after the human race has been conquered and pretty much everything stands as it would have after being neglected for only twenty.

There is much random slow motion for no apparent reason. The Battlefield Earth green lighting is like The Matrix on a week long crack binge. It's also very important to note this film's greatest offense to good taste. The whole thing is shot in Dutch angle, with every scene at a slight tilt. Not most of the movie. Not part of the movie. Not tiny bits of the movie, which is the only way this particular method should be utilized. THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.

So now enters our great villian, portrayed by John Travolta, the hideously named "Terl." He is introduced only in shadow and darkness. He has come across our heroes hiding and cooking their hunt over fire in an abandoned mall - still standing after ONE THOUSAND YEARS - and pursues them in order to take them captive. They are then transported to a Psychlo outpost in Denver where, to the film's only positive credit, the human captives have a hard time breathing because the atmosphere of the Psychlos is different than that of humans and makes their lungs burn. This is one of the only sci-fi movies I've ever seen that makes an issue of this plausible difference. Again, this is the ONLY GOOD THING I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS MOVIE. To compensate, both species have these filter thingies they wear on their noses that have little strings that dangle off of them like strands of mega-snot. They look absolutely absurd.

Now the humans are being hosed down in slow motion in a processing center. Jonnie is fighting back and tries to run away, to no avail. He is quickly recaptured under the threat of the stupidest and unpractical looking weapons you have ever seen.

Someone has arrived from the home planet of Psychlo to meet with Terl about his transfer to another assignment away from the bright, plush green planet Earth so that he might find a more happy position on a bleaker planet, his race being a type of rastafarian Klingon rip-off of a species with an apparent aversion to bathing and dental hygiene. By the way, um, costume designer for Battlefield Earth? Yeah. Gene Simmons called. He wants his boots back. Terl is certain of his relief from his duties, as he graduated at the top of his class at the academy and has done an excellent job as head of security on Earth. Not so fast, Terl. As it turns out, he's insulted some big-ass honcho back home by deflowering his daughter, so he's been sentenced to fifty more "cycles" of duty on Earth as punishment. "With endless options for renewel," announces the messenger.

In slow motion and full echo.

"With endless options for renewal. With endless options for renewal. With endless options for renewal." Followed, of course, by the evil "Muahahahaha" laugh accompanied by a head toss and wicked grin.

"The senator has a lot of friends...a lot of friends...a lot of friends...." Echooooooo.

Terl's just going to be a whole mess of 'tude after this news. Not that he wasn't already, since Psychlos are basically fucked-up, bitter assholes who are incapable of mercy or compassion. I have to pause here for a moment to wonder how a race with no cohesion, no loyalty even to their own kind could manage to conquer galaxies and enslave planets when they basically don't give a shit about anything except riches and being mean? God, everything about this story is undeveloped and badly considered.

Introducing planet Psychlo. It's dark and looks like an unwelcoming globe of nothing but industrial equipment, fire and electric bolts. We're provided this shot only to show the messenger who delivered Terl his regretful news returning home. And to blow a lot of money on show-off special effects that are really ugly and serve no other purpose.

Cut to Terl naturally going out to get bombed on green alien alcohol shit due to his mournful state. Oh, I forgot to introduce his trusty assistant, Ker, played by Forest Whitaker, who was being groomed to take over Terl's duties. He's consoling his master at a bar that makes Mos Isley look like the sexiest club in Manhattan.

Terl is upset because, while Ker was learning how to spell his name, he was being groomed to conquer galaxies. The bad acting on the part of Travolta in this scene has got to be witnessed to be believed. What is he doing? I know this guy can act. I've watched him do it. Here he's carrying on like someone who's been passed up from the Shakespeare company of Dog Patch, Kentucky in favor of Cletus, the genius who came up with the idea of playing Hamlet with a Southern accent.

Jonnie and the other humans are kept in a cage where they're fed green gooey shit from a trough. There's a tough guy of the group who immediately engages the newbies by explaining that he and his buddies eat first and the other lowlies like themselves only get to eat after they've had their fill, if there's anything left. This just won't do for Jonnie, who kicks the tough guy's ass to establish himself as the new bad motherfucker on the block, shouting at everyone about working together because they have more important problems than fighting over food.

Next, we have Terl and Ker plotting something nonsensical about staging a revolt among the human slaves, underpaying workers (gee, remind anyone of a certain cult?), and using the "man-animals" to mine gold, which is apparently forbidden by the Psychlos. This is all against the law, but they're going to do it anyway in an effort to take a chunk of the profits.

The humans are being led somewhere in chains and there's another stupid slow motion shot of some cement tower being hit by a ship and collapsing. This seems to happen for no reason, until we see that our clever Jonnie takes one of the fallen bricks to smash his ankle irons and try to escape AGAIN. Do the Psychlos do the smart thing and just shoot this consistently insubordinate "man-animal" and be rid of him once and for all? No. They have to kill him in a really clever way by releasing him into an area with Psychlo air where he can't breathe for more than a few minutes without dying, thus allowing him to manage to get away, if only temporarily.

Terl is setting up his trusty assitant in their plot to horde gold so that should their plan be uncovered by the "home office," he'll take the blame. He's made a recording of Ker laying out their plans with himself taking exception in light of breaking Psychlo law, which he will use as leverage in the event that Ker attempts to double cross him.

Which reminds me, I should have counted the number of times the word "leverage" is used in this movie. At least fifty, for sure.

Our Jonnie is now being re-captured by the Psychlos. Terl wants leverage over Jonnie and - graduating at the top of his class and thus being exceptionally bright - devises a plan to use food as leverage. He will let a few of the "man-animals" think they have escaped into the mountains and monitor their movements and actions to observe them in the wild and find out what they would eat given their options. You see, it's never occured to this incredibly intelligent leader that people that have lived on a diet of Psychlo-prepared green slime and that haven't had food for three days might - JUST MIGHT - eat the first fucking thing that wiggles across their path. Jonnie and his mates eat raw, live rat because it's all they can find. Terl exclaims "they could have selected anything they wanted and they chose rat. This is obviously the favorite food of humans," as if he's just let them go in a freshly stocked gourmet outlet of Bristol fucking Farms and not snowy, inhospitable mountains. He will now use live rats as leverage in an effort to better control humans. Naturally, Jonnie, our smart and skeptical hero, learns that the Psychlos have planted cameras in the buttons of their shirts and destroys them to throw off their captors. They retreat into the wild, past a sign reading "Welcome to Aspen," barely dusty after ONE THOUSAND YEARS.

They are quickly re-captured. How are they punished? Are they killed and made an example of to the rest of the "man-animal" slaves? Are they beaten? Tortured? No. They are brought in to make some adjustments on the low ceilings in Terl's office. You know, the place where he keeps his most sensitive and incriminating personal details. Jonnie again resists his captivity and this is when Terl gets his most brilliant idea of the film. "I know what to do with this rebellious, inferior man animal! I will not kill him to relieve myself of the problem once and for all! I will put him in a booth where Psychlo electro-rays transmit knowledge of our culture, language, customs and history through his eyeballs so that he might better understand us and possibly uncover our weaknesses! Then I will leave him and his co-conspirators unsupervised to rumage through sensitive Psychlo offices and documents as to discover as much damaging material as possible! As leverage, I will make sure a large arsenal of weapons are stored in the room next door! Only somebody that graduated at the top of their class at the academy could devise such a masterful plan!"

Then Jonnie teaches everyone Euclidian geometry, to no mind as to how Psychlos would have any idea who the fuck Euclid was in the first place. They all learn this with rudimentary chalk drawings on the floor of their cages in a matter of a few hours. Hahahaha. It took me two semesters to learn basic geometry and that was with nine years of schooling behind me.

Once again, the captive "man-animals" stage an unsucessful revolt that goes unpunished. Okay, so not entirely unpunished. Terl takes Jonnie to what's left - after ONE THOUSAND YEARS - of the Denver Library to read the U.S. Constitution. "Here is all of your knowledge. There is nothing here that will help you. With all of your technology, we conquered your greatest armies in nine minutes." Then Terl takes Jonnie and his "little friends" to a field to prove how great of a marksman he is by shooting the legs off of cows with his big ugly gun. This is where a band of savages charges in to stop him. Jonnie manages to get a hold of Terl's gun but doesn't shoot him. No he gives everyone a lecture about freedom and how they have to go back and learn about Psychlo weapons and ways to defeat them and HANDS TERL BACK HIS GUN.

There's another thing - Psychlos have occupied Earth for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and never bothered to learn any human languages, so the "man-animals" can lay out their plans for rebellion right in front of them without them ever understanding a word of what they're saying.

Terl now has more leverage over Jonnie because he has hunted down his true love, which he has managed because she has some crude drawing of a man that looks NOTHING LIKE Jonnie in her pocket or something. Terl kills one of the rebels. Cut to Jonnie sitting in the cage suffering guilt for this. But that doesn't matter, because he's now got the entire band of enslaved humans behind his rebellion. More cheering in slow motion. More over-the-top music telling us we're supposed to feel the drama and emotion of the moment. Christ, this movie is SO FUCKING BAD.

We are now introduced to the pointless female character Chirk, played by Kelly Preston, who makes a two minute appearance and disappears. Hello? Chirk? Gene Simmons called again. This time he wants his tongue back.

Again, Terl has aquired leverage over a Psychlo accountant, who's been keeping two sets of books and skimming off the top, so he's now involved and put in a position where he can be blamed should Terl's devious plan to mine gold is uncovered.

To better keep Jonnie at bay and quelch his hopes of overthrowing Earth's occupiers, he decides to teach him how to fly Psychlo space ships. More about leverage.

The humans have been dropped at the mining site, where they're told by Terl that he will return in fourteen days and the ship better be filled with gold when he does. HE THEN LEAVES THEM COMPLETELY UNSUPERVISED FOR TWO WEEKS. This is when the plot to overthrow the Psychlos begins. The band of cow savages returns to help them. Jonnie's read about Fort Knox - where he's done this, I can't imagine...if the Psychlo electro teaching machine knew about it, I imagine the gold there would have been long gone...but never mind. The rebels all have these old maps...where did they get them?...and manage to fly to Washington D.C. A few men are left behind to work the mining site so the Psychlos watching them by remote think they're doing their job as instructed.

The plan is to blow the dome with the atmosphere that Psychlos need to breathe so they all die. So they go to Fort Hood - and this is positively the BEST, MOST ABSURD FUCKING PART OF THE MOVIE - where they discover "flying machines," i.e. fighter planes, which aren't only dust-free after ONE THOUSAND YEARS, they are as shiny as the day they they were assembled.

Let me remind you, human kind has devolved into a race of illiterate, superstitious, cave-dwellers that paint their faces like Mel Gibson in Braveheart while shaking spears and shouting "ooga-ooga." And they will now learn how to fly sophisticated fighter jets in a week. Yep. They do this with the aid of a flight simulator, which is apparently powered on nothing but their hopes and dreams of a successful rebellion, since fuck all of any other explanation is offered as to where the electricity to run the thing is coming from.

My dad flew fighter jets. His pilot training took a year, and that was AFTER he earned a degree in physics from the Air Force Academy and didn't include any instruction on the operation and targeting of weapons. That came later and I forgot how long he told me it took, but it was a hell of a lot longer than a couple of days.

And Shitologists celebrate their founder as a master of science!

Oh look! We just happened to stumble upon a nuclear bomb, still perfectly polished after a THOUSAND YEARS! And here are the instructions in this light projector that works by magic and not electricity! Now we can blow up Planet Psychlo!!!! Lucky for us as well we can read maps instinctively and find Fort Knox and take all its gold so our evil overlords will not know that we've been plotting a rebellion instead of mining for gold like we were supposed to! Even luckier, Terl, who graduated at the top of his class at the academy on his home planet, will buy our explanation as to why the gold is refined into bricks and not in its raw ore state.

Jonnie, brilliantly left alone to discover the secret recordings of the highly intelligent Terl earlier in the film, steals them so he now has leverage over Ker to force him to aid in the revolt. So Ker lets all the humans out of their cages and goes and gets drunk on that Psychlo green shit and watches his master's home movies. Of course, Terl is far too smart to allow Ker to aquire leverage over him and has a bartender's severed head to prove it.

Thus begins the rebellion. Mind you - in ONE TINY CORNER OF EARTH. So even if it is successful, this by no means explains how humans manage to regain their dominance over Psychlos on the rest of the planet. It doesn't even offer the slightest hint of them having any kind of leverage.

There's lots of running around and shooting. Terl is pissed off, so he gives the orders for Psychlos to exterminate humans at will. More shooting. People dying. Jonnie running in slow motion with five angry Psychlos on his tail, none of whom manage to hit him ONCE. Remember, the greatest generals alive at the time of invasion were defeated in nine minutes. Gee, I wonder...are the humans going to make it? Will they be victorious? The suspense is KILLING ME.

Actually, no it isn't. I've seen it before and know how it ends. A bloke teleports himself to Planet Psychlo and blows it up with the fuck-off shiny nuclear bomb his mates uncovered. Apparently, there's something in their atmosphere that reacts with radiation that will cause the whole planet to blow up instead of just one tiny portion of it. Great. At least we're given an explanation on that count, though never mind that detonating a nuclear bomb takes a little bit more than the push of a button and isn't likely to be in operating order after ONE THOUSAND YEARS of storage. And this is a sci-fi movie, so we're supposed to suspend our disbelief that our heroes have learned to fly planes in a matter of days that have been sitting without use for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and that they've somehow managed to get them airborne despite the fact that jet fuel has a shelf life of less than five years.

Wrapping things up - the few of you that are still with me here - Jonnie shoots off Terl's arm and puts him in a cage surrounded by all the gold he tried to steal as an eternal reminder of the perils of his greed. Oh, the irony of someone like Elron Hubman writing a story where the moral is that greed is bad. He was one of the greediest motherfuckers that ever lived. And I didn't quite catch what Ker's exact leverage was, but he's made leader of the remaining Psychlos on Earth and finally has dominion over his old cruel master. I think there was a "muahahahaha" in their somewhere, too. Jonnie and his love kiss and live happily ever after rebuilding Earth with their fellow man.

Here you have only witnessed the specific plot points that are bad. You would have to see the rest of the film to believe all of the other crap elements involved. It's a shitfest of many layers, so awful, so astoundingly badly done on so many levels that it's actually morbidly entertaining to watch. If you're ever in the mood for seeing something that will leave you amused at how stunningly terrible it is, I cannot recommend Battlefield Earth enough. It will leave you so breathless, you'll need one of those nose plug snot danglers from the film to cling to your life.

Thus colcludes this transmission live-blogging one of the worst movies ever made. Thank you, and good night.

Posted by Emily at February 11, 2006 08:18 AM | TrackBack (0) |