It's petty, but it's also been happening to me a lot lately. I'm getting really fucking sick of people turning onto the road in front of me, cutting me off, who then don't even have the decency to drive at even the speed limit. Can't be in too much of a fucking rush, then, can they.

Those people don't need to fuck off as much as the assholes in the lane next to you who speed up the second you turn on your blinker to move over. Fuckers.

Ooo! Ooo! (/Horshack)

People who deposit their infant's soiled diapers in the parking lot of a place of business. I hope there is a special circle of hell for those people. I can't even IMAGINE people doing that. It is the grossest thing ever. And yes, I've seen it. More than once. More than twice. More than I ever want to see it again.

The people who go to the movies, only to spend the WHOLE TIME on their freakin' cell phone. It is THE MOVIES, not YOUR LIVING ROOM.

People who act all superior 'cos they don't shop at Wal-Mart, or don't use the air conditioning in their house, or ride a bike (double *sshole points for the recumbent-bike evangelists) instead of driving a car, and spend excessive amounts of time telling you why you should do as they do, or else the world will come to an end. Guess what? My only grocery choices other than wal-mart are a store that sells overpriced food that's dangerously close to its expiration date, or an hour's round trip drive to get to a Kroger. Deal with the fact that we don't ALL live in SuperConvenienceLand where there's a Whole Froods within a recumbent-bike-ride of your non-airconditioned apartment.

People who've had a new baby within the past year and can talk of nothing else. I really honestly don't care. I'm happy you had the kid and I'm happy they're cute, but you know? There's only so much baby talk a childless person can stomach. I'll see you in 18 years.

Anyone who spends more than 10 minutes talking about their pet cause, unless you know it's a cause I care about and I've specifically asked you to go on. (also see: conspiracy theorists)

Another one, (and then I'll shut up, lest I become one of those exceeding-the-10-minute-limit-pet-cause people):

people who feel the need to tell you their whole sad life story by way of asking a favor or trying to get excused from something. I am not your "trouble tree." I am not your counselor. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry your mom's boyfriend's kid has a DUI and so now you have to drive him to his minimum-wage job, and so cannot fulfill the thing you previously agreed to do for me, but:

(a) you know there is such a thing as saying, "No, I have other responsibilities, deal with the consequences of your action"

(b) Why is it on my head to find someone else to do the thing you agreed to do and now say you cannot? Your responsibility, your ducking out: therefore, your responsibility to find a replacement.

I know this is so specific, but it is actually rather widespread in certain circles, so here goes:

Evangelical Henry James fans. Henry James fans are on the defensive - they need you to "get" that Henry James was the master of the novel, that he was a genius, that he singlehandedly revived literature, whatever. When you say to those people, (as I have) "Yeah - I'm not wacky about Henry James" - they cannot. let. it. go. They say, "Yes, but have you read ..." and they'll list some title. I will say "Yes". I've read all of his shit, because I'm nuts - and I need to read everything that has ever been deemed "important" - just so I can make up my own mind. So anyway, I will say, "Yes, I have read that." And they will be BAFFLED that you didn't "get it" by reading that one particular title - and they will continue to list titles at you, almost autistically - as though - by reading one book you will suddenly completely change your opinion that Henry James is boring.

GUYS. I "get" Henry James. I just don't LIKE him.

Let. it. go.

ricki - it's the fuck off thread. You can't max out your fuck offs. List as many as you like.

Hahahaha. Between the two of us, what is that, red? Like the 50th anti-Henry James rant? Any of the "don't get it" people can fuck off. I hate when people say when you don't like something it's because you don't "get it." WHATEVER. Some idiot once tried to tell me the only reason I didn't like The Village was because I couldn't grasp the intelligent and complicated plot. Yeah, dude. Like that was a really, really smart movie. Not.

Oh, and while I'm at it, M. Nite Shamadongermong can fuck off too.

That's not too specific, red. Henry Jamesers flood the streets around here, always trying to grab "just a minute" of our time while washing our windshields or trying to sell some special Henry James bottled water (I bought some once because I thought it was a wine cooler. Fool me once...) But, that's middle America for you.

(I hate the same from "Fight Club" fans or Beatles fans who always look at me like I just juiced a baby when I say I don't care for either)

((Not saying the two groups are equal, just more efficient to use one sentence.))

(((Then again, all these caveats defeat the efficiency. I'll go away now)))

Dude, I once almost got assaulted by a crazy drunk woman for saying I didn't like The Doors. We had this discussion about Janis Joplin before and people telling me I just don't understand the really important way she sings with emotion or something like that. Whatever. She sounds like shit.

Oh man. Doors fans are, in a strange way, very similar to Henry James fans.

Like: get out of my face!!

"Have you heard the word of God today? Once I was all messed up on drugs. Then I found the Lord. Now, I'm all messed up on the Lord..."

Hey, I'm a Doors fan. Also a Grateful Dead fan.

But I have a lot of trouble dealing with the freaks who worship them. Thank goodness Elvis never generated that kind of strange worship...

It's not Doors fans I have a problem with. It's the ones who don't have enough perspective to realize taste in music is relative and that get all in your face about how you don't understand the genius of Jim Morrison and shit. They're the ones who should fuck off, not just normal fans like you (or semi-normal, at least).

I made the mistake of making a face when someone in our group at the bar started waxing on about Janis and her passion. I managed to say just that, "I don't like her singing much." It's not anyone else's fault that her cats fucking caterwaul drives me nuts. Thankfully -- at least this time -- she didn't feel the need to start the corrective lecture.

Yeah, you can't take a thread like this personally. Because people need to let off steam. If the shoe fits and all that ...

I'm afraid to even mention this next one, but FUCK IT THESE PEOPLE PISS ME OFF.

Renaissance Fair people. These people think that because every weekend they dress up in old-fashioned garb, eat with their fingers, joust, and say things like "m'lady" - they have an in-road to the deeper meaning of life. Seriously. Those people who take Ren Fairs seriously are, in my experience, some of the most obnoxious and pretentious people ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I have casual friends who do Ren Fairs every weekend and they always want me to come and ... sorry, peeps, no feckin' WAY. Spare me. I enjoy PROGRESS, I enjoy TECHNOLOGY. And no, my name is not "m'lady". My name is SHEILA. THANKS.

Hahaha. The next time somebody starts going on about how I don't "get" her passion, I'm just going to insist that her suckitude is a matter of fact that can be scientifically measured. I don't think people who like her music are wrong, but when they treat me like *I am*, well they're going to get it back in kind.

Sheila,
I don't have any direct experience with Ren Fair people, but they sound to me like a lot of science fiction geeks who think they're smarter than everyone else and tend to be competitive about their fandom. Like, I have more Captain Kirk shirts than you...I'm a better Star Trek fan. Bah. Whatever.

Yes - they are Star Trek fans wearing Renaissane garb. Totally.

I'm fine with geekiness, as I am a geek myself - but ... Ren Fair people can be very SNOTTY if they feel you don't "get" the appeal of their hobby.

I hear Morrison is running the deep fryer at the same Krispy Kreme Elvis manages.

I think Janis is dancing at some club in Winnemucca...

BTW, a guy I work with is big on the RenFair to the point of geekiness (but not to the point of scary freakiness). I haven't met one of the freaks yet.

Like Jim Morrison could ever be sober enough to run a deep fryer.

Were there ever "Janis isn't dead" conspiracies being bandied around? I know there were for both Elvis and Morrison, but what about her?

What? She went and disguised herself as a tornado siren? No, that wouldn't work. Those are too musical.

This is probably a specific peeve for me about the Ren Faire people, but what gets to me is that just because they wear tights or shove their tits up to their jowls they think they actually know everything about the periods they've mangled together.

I don't know how they are elsewhere, but when I was in college, people in the Church of the Sub-Genius were pretty snotty, too. Like, they all had their special little club with its special little secrets that only people elite enough to be among the innter circle could be privvy to...they were really fucking annoying. They should fuck off too.

marc - yes! hahahahahahaha so true!

Also they EXPECT YOU to be nostalgic about that same period as well. It is a "given" to them that we all should yearn for that time in history.

Uhm - bubonic plague? Bring out your dead? Women as chattel? Poverty? Sucky muddy hovels? Serfdom?

No, thanks. I do not have nostalgia for that time. I am glad someone went through it so we could get to where we are now - but I don't want to go back there!!!

Ugh. I absolutely hate people who romanticize past eras in history like that because life was supposedly simpler. Right. And women died in childbirth, making it to 40 made you old, and life was backbreaking for most people. Thomas Hobbes wasn't kidding with that "nasty, brutish and short" stuff.

Emily: I love you, man.

How about another old favorite just because it came up again recently for me? Those people who think they have changed the world because they went and saw a particular movie. Or those that think we have a duty to the universe to see certain movies. Fuck off.

Oh god. Really Important Movie people can fuck off. Like the people who went to see Brokeback Mountain as a badge of their tolerance and thought that anybody who didn't obviously believes that we should start firing up the ovens for the homysexurals. Fuck them. The movie just looked boring as shit to me and I wouldn't have seen it if were a love story about a heterosexual couple. And all the critics who congratulated Munich for its truth and bravery. Bullshit.

Great post and comments. I love a good rant!

I say fuck the "recovered and/or born again" people. These are the former drunks, heathens, etc. that used to party it up with the best of them, and now look down their noses at you because you're standing with a beer in your hand watching football on Sunday instead of kneeling in church somewhere.

Oh sure...it was fine when you were doing it, but now...

Just because YOU couldn't handle your alcohol, does not make all drinkers alcoholics.

So hand me a beer and fuck off!

Ah yes. AA nazis. Anybody who drinks, even socially, has a problem. If they don't agree, it's because they're in denial.

Well, then, if we're free to keep saying f-off, here are a few more:

People who stop - dead - in the entryway of the grocery store so they can gab with their friend who just came in with them. People, I have a life! I need to get into the store, buy my crap, and get out, so I can pursue that life! That also goes for the people who park their carts crosswise in the middle of the aisles.

Parents who feel soooooo guilty for leaving their kid in daycare all day that they let the little hellion run and scream all he wants in the grocery store, and let him open and eat half a box of sugar cereal - spilling it all over the floor - while he sits in the cart. There's a reason I didn't spawn, and observing kids like these on a weekly basis is a large part of it.

People who bring 30 items into the 15-items-or-less aisle at peak-busy-store time and then give me that shiteating grin and say "I can count, honey, I'm just in a hurry." Oh, and it's not possible that *I* am, too, with my gallon of milk and box of grapes, standing in line behind you?

People who pull out their change purse to pay for $40 worth of groceries and who stand there and count out nickels until Jesus comes back. Go to a bank! Or to a Coinstar machine!

(I give you three guesses as to what chore I performed this afternoon, and the first two do not count).

And Emily?

Can I just say? This thing makes me feel soooooooo much better! Thanks for letting us vent.

Computer support dudes who must be coaxed and flattered to fix things and then lavishly praised just for Doing. Their. Job. Or else they disappear to places unknown while 100 people no longer have the ability to print. These high maintenance babies probably go to Renaissance Fairs on the weekends.

"...I am going to bluntly tell them without regret that I am Jewish and that my people killed that Jesus bastard almost 2000 years ago for a damn good reason."

Well, duh. ;-)

It's not personal it's business the people who work for the auto dialers selling DISH, credit repair, AT&T, time shares et al,
'hello'
silence
'hello'
silence clunk 'hello Mr mispronounced my name how are you doing tonightletmetellyouaboutanofferweareonly
makingtoalimitednumberofpeopleyournamewasselectedfrom'.'FUCKOFF'.click.
feel better already thanks em.

1. I like Janis Joplin, but that's just me. It's cool that you don't. Do I still have to fuck off?

2. Ren Faires are fun if you're just looking to get a good buzz and cop a few bar wench feels, but yeah, too many people take them too seriously.

On to my Fuck Offs:

1. People who schedule a service with my wife (who works ON COMMISSION), then don't show, without giving enough prior notice to clear her schedule for someone else. You just took food out of my child's mouth, so you'll understand if I invite you to FUCK OFF.

2. People who drive to the very goddamned end of a closed lane before trying to merge. THERE'S A REASON THEY GAVE YOU ADVANCED NOTICE, MORON!!!!!

But here's my big one:

People who, after I've told them that since my layoff, my wife and I have decided (for sound economic and practical reasons) that I'll be the stay at home parent, the next time they see me, STILL ask, "So how's the job search going?" This *IS* my job, so JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!!!

My appeal would be for people to
Allow for merging (one car, not a caravan),
Use all the on ramp before giving up on discovering a merge opportunity in very slow traffic so you don't block others from seeking merge opportunities,
Try to share risk 50 50 when merging by allowing equal distance between front and rear drivers.
Opportunity creation (same as allowing for merging)
Wrapped up into an acronym, it is the AUTO plan for traffic peace.

The risk of collision to your car due to a sudden stop up the line is shared by you facing
the next car and the driven facing your rear. So the total risk to your car is shared 50 50
between you and the driver behind you. The driver merging behind you may want the risk to
his car of collision to be 60 40 so he may try to merge closer to the car at his rear than
to the car he faces. If everybody shares responsibility 50 50 instead of sluffing off the
risk by cutting people off (the street vernacular term) the anxious drivers would be
isolated and noted.

QOTF

I also can't stand people who scoff at anything mainstream or anything that makes any money. These are the people who turn up their noses at Stephen King's writing or who think, automatically, that anything popular has to SUCK. It's a status thing with these people. No matter how many times you say, "You know -= Stephen King can really be an awesome writer" - they'll give you that snobby look of "No. I don't believe it." But ... you dislike him just cause he hit the jackpot? Just cause he writes in a way that sells millions of books? I HATE THESE PEOPLE. They scorn success, basically. They only read obscure books published by authors no one cares about, and they think that liking John Irving or Stephen King or whoever - is low-brow. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.

I can't stand the people who get angry with me for homeschooling my child and accuse me of "depriving" her of "socialization" when I can guarantee you they were the kind of high school pricks who formed little cliques and skunked the ones who didnt cater to their egos or had the audacity to not do what everyone else is doing. Those are the kind of people who were sickeningly sweet to your face and then trashed you behind their backs and then grew up to say that THAT was socialization. There are special moments in life for people like that: watching my child skunk theirs in achievement after achievement.

Sheila, I knew that Henry James post was you, even before I scrolled down to see who it was. And I still think you'd love Portrait of a Lady if you'd just ... SORRY! I'M JOKING!

Agressive panhandlers. I went to McDonald's yesterday to pick up lunch for me and my husband, who was home with a head-and-stomach thing. (Yes, I'm trying to kill him.) On the way in, I passed an old, toothless, pitiful-looking man sitting outside at one of the tables. He greeted me. I stopped and asked, "Have you had lunch?" Well, no, he hadn't. So when I got our stuff, I got him a quarter-pounder meal and on the way out I paused at his table to give him his food. He was very sweet and grateful. As I walked on toward my car, a MUCH YOUNGER man came striding briskly toward me from across the street: "Ma'am? Ma'am? Do you have another sandwich?" Okay, you know what, I draw the line at people who look like they have more get-up-and-go than I do.

And that brings up the related issue of People Who Are Too Special For the "Rules."

the nearby big-city newspaper, a couple years ago, ran a story on panhandlers. A number of them were perfectly able-bodied, could have worked, but they said they prefered to panhandle. Because, you see, working for a living was for "chumps."

and my friends think I'm evil 'cos I don't give money to panhandlers.

I also can't stand the people who try to use their influence to pull strings and get to the head of whatever line they're in.

I can't stand the people who commit a crime, and get off with a slap on the wrist, because they're moneyed and/or famous.

I can't stand it when people in a committee work for MONTHS on something for the public good, and then one person on the committee (usually a lawyer or a chamber of commerce type) takes the idea and claims all the credit for it - and gets it, because they're a Big Wheel. And they get their ugly fat grinning mug in the paper, and all the people who worked their asses off for whatever it was get no thanks whatsoever.

I can't stand it when parents let their kids act like beasts because disciplining them - like other normal parents do - would squash the childrens' "creativity."

One more:

Smokers (not all smokers, but those:) who think that the entire world, including the ground in the public park where my son plays, is their goddamned fucking ashtray. STOP LEAVING YOUR FILTHY CIGARETTE BUTTS EVERY BLEEDING PLACE! I've got a little bit of libertarian in me, but I'm tempted to support smoking bans just to spite idiots like you.

Mechanics. Specifically the ones at the dealership, who make me wait a week and a half to make an appointment, then tell me that the car needs to be there at the exact moment they open, who then inform me at approximately 4:55 PM (when I call them, of course -- god forbid they pick up the phone and keep me in the loop) that they havent looked at the car yet, and then act like it's somehow my fault when I ask them what exactly the f**k they've been doing since 7AM when I left it there.

Alex,

Never experienced it to that exact degree, but that's not "Fuck Off" worthy, that's Fucking "And that's when I shot him, your honor"-and-then-an-acquittal territory.

People who leave their empty beer bottles in the back of your pickup truck.

Jim Morrison worshipers. I mean the people who take it personally if you mention that he was an arrogant, out-of-control psycho.

Those Jews who get huffy if you believe the New Testament version of how Jesus got lynched.

Those Catholics who get huffy if you express any support for the Reformation.

Those atheists who refuse to accept that religious people can think rationally, who condescendingly regard religious folks as Ned Flanders at best.

Most popular musicians whose careers started after 1990.

Motorists who won't let you change lanes.

Driving in Dallas (see above).

I am sick, sick, sick and tired of this lame brained actor in my show. He gives other actor's notes, he complains constantly about his dressing room, he screams at the crew like they're some kind of hired hep, and he's got a heart as black as a bat.

I'm going to punch him in the gonads the next time I see him.

Wow. I DO feel better.

Thanks Emily.

"Jim Morrison worshipers. I mean the people who take it personally if you mention that he was an arrogant, out-of-control psycho."

Not to mention the way they behave, trashing not only Morrison's grave, but neighboring graves as well. What kind of a shitstain fan would vandalize the gravesite of a stranger because it sits in the vicinity of a dead singer they like? Assholes.

Glad I could be of service to everyone. I guess you guys clearly need this to be a weekly feature.

At least weekly. It helps let out the anger and it's cheaper than therapy.