it comes in pints?

Four funerals and a wedding

Actually, it's more like five funerals and a mockery of those funerals.

I got a great response to my self-made meme. 100% participation, in fact. As you will recall, I copped out on the "make up your own category". I really just couldn't think of a good category. Well, Dearest Rave, in her wonderful Clan Rossiness, gave me an idea for a good category. I wanted to pick only four, but I just couldn't stop there so I picked five plus the necessary comeback for them.

And so, without further ado, I give you my picks for The Sappiest Teenage Death Chants of All Time:

#5. Leader of the Pack: The Shangri-Las

In fairness, this one isn't so much sappy as just dumb, but I just had to comment on it. Dude, "Poor boy meets rich girl" is only romantic if (a) they actually end up being together, or (b) they both die (which is not so much romantic as just ... dumb). Running out and getting yourself killed because the chick tossed you over is just ... flat-ass fucking stupid. Any real, self-respecting, leather-wearing, cycle-riding, teenage-rebel-Hells-Angel-wannabe would have beaten the bitch to death and then been killed in a gunbattle with the cops.

Pussy.

#4. The Last Kiss: J. Frank Wilson

This one is the least offensive of the main genre.

Oh where oh where can my baby be

Um, in Heaven maybe?

The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven so got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

Answered your own question.

So anyway, boy and girl go on a date, get in a car wreck, girl spits blood in their "last kiss" (okay, I made that spitting part up), guy wants to wait until he gets to heaven to see her. Yeah, whatever man. Wait until you get to college and the hormone overload starts make the balls ache. Yeah, you'll keep on waiting. "Whoaaa-oh-whoaa-oh-whoaaa, damn my balls hurt…"

#3. Teen Angel: Mark Dinning

Getting sappier and moving on from "foolish, romantic teenager" to "let the psycho bitch go and count your blessings".

That fateful night the car was stalled
upon the railroad track
I pulled you out and we were safe
but you went running back

And you're too dumb to recognize a nutjob. She goes running back into the path of an oncoming train to retrieve a fucking ring. Psycho chick like that was liable to go Lorena Bobbitt on him somewhere down the line if she hadn't whacked herself with the train. "Nut"job, indeed.

#2. Patches: Dickie Lee

Another "Poor boy loves rich girl" ... Or other way around, in this case.

We plan to marry when June brought the summer
I couldn't wait to make Patches my bride
Now I don't see how that ever can happen
My folks say No, and my heart breaks inside

Uh, yeahhh. You're a fucking teenager, still living at home, being supported by Mommy and Daddy. You get married when you have your own place and your own job. NOT at McDonald's, preferably.

I hear a neighbor tellin' my father
He said a girl name of Patches was found
Floating face down in that dirty old river

Why in the hell do all these dumbass teenagers think it's romantic to kill yourself for love?

It may not be right But I'll join you tonight
Patches I'm coming to you.

Like I said. Romeo and Juliet is responsible for more dead teenagers than whiskey and car keys combined.

#1. Tell Laura I love Her: Ray Peterson

If it weren't for the way Peterson sings this one, with the broken voice as if he's crying, it really wouldn't be any sappier or more dreckful than any of the others. But he does and it is.

Laura and Tommy were lovers
He wanted to give her everything
Flowers, presents and most of all, a wedding ring

Well, isn't that nice.

He saw a sign for a stock car race
A thousand dollar prize it read

WTF? A thousand dollars for a wedding ring in, like, 1960 dollars? For a teenage brat that has no job? If this were my kid, I'd beat the crap out of him and send his ass to bootcamp.

Tell Laura I love her, tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura I may be late
I've something to do, that cannot wait

Yeah, like die.

No one knows what happened that day
How his car overturned in flames

Well I know what happened. Dumbass teenager who can barely drive gets into a car race and gets his ass killed. Darwin in action.

Tell Laura I love her, tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
My love for her will never die

Uh, beg to differ, kid.

And in the chapel where Laura prays
For Tommy who passed away
It was just for Laura he lived and died
Alone in the chapel she can hear him cry

So the chick's hearing dead people. Great. She'll probably throw herself in front of a train too.

Okay, on to happier themes. Like mockery of the Teenage Death Chants.

I Want My Baby Back: Jimmy Cross (who apparently couldn't stand the Teenage Death Chants either)

The entire set of lyrics, in all their mocking glory:

I want my baby back
Gotta have my baby back
I miss her oh so much
Can't live without her touch

[Spoken]
I don't hardly know where to begin. I remember we were cruising home from the Beatles concert. I'd had such a wonderful evening, sitting there watching my baby screaming, and tearing her hair out, and carrying on. She was so full of life. Then, well, we were about three miles from home when all of a sudden it started to rain. And I do mean rain. I couldn't hardly see nothing. Well, we kept driving for about another mile when all of a sudden I see this stalled car right smack in front of me. Well, I wasn't about to slam on the brakes 'cause I didn't have none to start with. So I swerved to the left. And what do I see - some mushhead on a motorcycle headin' right at us. And I knew at last me and my baby were about to meet the leader of the

[Crash sounds]

pack.

Well, when I come to, I looked around
And there was the leader
And there was the pack
And over there was my baby
And over there was my baby
And waaaayyy over there was my baby

I want my baby back
Gotta have my baby back
I miss her oh so much
Can't live without her touch

[Spoken]
It's been many months now since that fateful night. And you know something, I've tried. Believe me, I have tried. But I just can't make it without my baby.

[Digging sounds in background]

So I've decided I'm going to have her back one way or another. Oh, baby, I dig you so much.

[Digging sounds continue, then the sound of metal hitting wood]

Hot dang, pay dirt!

[Creaking sound of hinges opening, then a "door" closing]

[Muffled]
I've got my baby back
Now, I've got my baby back
I love her oh so much
Can't live without her touch

I've got my baby back

This was one of the best songs ever featured on Dr. Demento.

Posted by Ken S at August 31, 2006 09:21 PM | TrackBack (0) |