Dog owners who do not pick up the poop that emerges from their precious dogs anuses. Seriously - the problem in my neighborhood is so bad that you MUST look down as you walk on the sidewalk. I fucking HATE people who are SO SELFISH that they leave the poop on the sidewalk - and just don't give a shit (literally) that someone might step in it. Who the hell ARE these people?

I have often considered doing an early morning stake-out - to catch people in the act.

These people are filthy motherfuckers - and it's really the unbelievable selfishness that gets me.

Pick up your dog's fucking poop.

Clothing companies who refuse to acknowledge that most women in their 30s and 40s want more options in our apparel than "hooker" or "grandma." Seriously. Fuck off.

And take your "skinny" jeans and shove them UP YOUR ASS. No one looks good in them, NO. ONE. If they make Kate Moss look fat, how do you think they make the average woman look? Fuck off, Gap.

Fuck off ...

Drivers in the left lane. If you ain't passing, get out of the lane.

People who make appointments at the last minute and then get upset that you aren't able to just jump up and deal with them right then.

Organizations that don't realize that after a recent restructure, they can no longer task us directly. But, somehow, if we tell them this we are being, "uncooperative." I mean, fuck you, jack. I'm following the rules and the policy.

The new civilian police force employees here who haven't realized that they don't have to fully stop every single vehicle coming back onto base after lunch just to verify the sticker on the window. The Marines were doing that just fine by having us slow down.

Ahhhh. Catharsis.

The Lemonheads version of "Mrs. Robinson" just came on the radio and it's terrible, so Evan Dildo or whatever he's called can FUCK OFF.

Emily, I was in traffic at O'Hare in Chicago and there were five lanes in both directions at a complete standstill. At least half of those drivers were standing on their horns. They can all fuck off. Where was anyone supposed to go?

I love driving on Maui, go as slow as you like everywhere, there's one section posted 55 for about a two-mile stretch. Watch out for the pineapple trucks and just cruise along, bruddah. Island time.

Rob,
Ugh. People who honk their horns in heavy traffic bug the hell out of me. Especially at places like airports. Hey, assnoodle, I'm not here stuck in this shit because I enjoy taking leisurely drives around airport terminals. If I could move, I would.

Another horn thing people do around here is they whiz through red lights that have just turned from yellow and beep their horns, as if that's some kind of courtesy heads-up. I'm running the red light! Fuck off. Do you really want your horn to be the last earthly thing you hear as you get broadsided by the car with the actual right of way?

Students who deem it unimportant to attend class who then whine about their low exam scores. (Seriously. I had a student get a 5% on an exam yesterday. 5%. And this was a multiple choice test, so GUESSING alone should, statistically speaking, net you a 20%).

This spinach Will Kill You Dead story - if it turns out that the E. coli outbreak is traceable to someone's negligence or cost-cutting measures, I hope they wind up going to one of those "Federal Pound Me In the Ass" prisons joked about in Office Space. Spinach salad is about the ONLY vegetable I like that doesn't take like an hour and a half to prepare. So I'm really pissed about this, if it's something that someone could have prevented by not being cheap or lazy.

And I Ditto Lisa. I am a chubby thirtysomething college professor. I have no desire to dress like my female students; I don't want my ta-tas hanging out all over the classroom and my backside's too big for those little butt-twitcher skirt things. But I also have no desire to wrap my body in pastel polyester pantsuits! Please, make some kind of semi-professional clothing that doesn't scream "whore" or "bingo-parlor patron"!

(I also wish my female students covered up a bit more. I can practically see the aureolas on some of them - that is, if I were looking at their chests like most of the guys in my class are. It makes me embarrassed on their behalfs. And it makes it harder to teach when the guys are all staring at the girls' racks.)

And can we issue fuck-offs to nonhuman things? If so, I want to launch a big, big Fuck Off in the direction of whatever allergen it is that's causing the massive eczema attack I'm having. My neck is all scaly like an alligator and one of my eyes is affected so it's all scratchy and weepy. I'm not pretty enough TO BEGIN WITH to be able to also deal with having lizard skin.

I like Lisa's.

But as long as I'm here . . . I hate hate HATE the asshole in the left lane that realizes at the last minute that his exit ramp or right turn is RIGHT NOW, so he (without signal, of course) aims his truck in the desired direction, screaming across three lanes of traffic and almost wiping me and four other people off the road in the process. FUCK OFF.

And if he's on his cell phone? Fuck off AND DIE.

Oh, and clients that want me to surgically remove and replace one adjective in a well-crafted sentence because they don't like it? And they want a list of alternatives to choose from? Fuck you, too. I have some synonyms for "client" I'd like to send your way.

People who spout the phrase "shades of gray" with a condescending look on their faces. Fuck right off.

Non-humans are fair game for the fuck off, Ricki.

For instance, Apple can fuck off. Look, just because I use iTunes, doesn't mean I want a new piece of e-mail every day advertising one of your fabulous new products.

And the creators of "Lost" can fuck off. I finally got to the end of season 2 and it was fucking STUPID. The plot twists have gone from interesting and suspenseful to just plain absurd. I knew when I started watching this show that it would eventually end up this way, since American television producers and writers do not have the slightest concept of leaving their audience wanting more. They can't just sit down and decide that this is an idea that will play itself out and be exhausted after two seasons, three at the most and fucking QUIT. No, they have to drive it into the ground until the premise is stretched so thin you have to resort to a ridiculous plot to keep the show running. Uh, yeah, let's go into what we can reasonably expect to be nothing short of battle with the three hundred pound fat guy that passes out at the sight of blood. Let's lead others on the death march knowing damn well we're walking into a trap and not tell the guy that we know is leading us there to stuff it and go get his own damn kid back and take the FUCKING BOAT you've just discovered was on the island and come back with an army to liberate the damn brat. I knew this was going to happen when the show started. I KNEW it. Stupid TV producers.

Emily - hahahahaha that is so true about the daily email from Apple.

STOP.

"I also wish my female students covered up a bit more. I can practically see the aureolas on some of them - that is, if I were looking at their chests like most of the guys in my class are. It makes me embarrassed on their behalfs. And it makes it harder to teach when the guys are all staring at the girls' racks."

That goes double for the girls who migrate to the front as the semester drags on, wearing shorter and shorter skirts and lower and lower necklines, just for the benefit of the male prof or TA.

Fuck off, wenches. Pretty as you are, my personal dating dinity line was about an order of magnitude higher than you for both IQ and work ethics. Try studying for a change.

And I hear ya on the 5% on a multiple-guess test. You have to work at it to get that stupid.

Those drivers who are on the cell phone when the light turns green, and sit at the intersection for at least half the light, and then SLOWLY pull out, so that they are the only car to get through the light?

FUCK. OFF. AND. DIE.

The leaders who micromanage people three levels down? And then wonder why things don't get done?

FUCK. OFF. AND. DIE.

Now I feel much better!

I had a student get a 5% on an exam yesterday. 5%. And this was a multiple choice test, so GUESSING alone should, statistically speaking, net you a 20%

As the old saying goes, "You have to study to be that stupid!"

Fuck off, my husband's CO. A two-week block leave means TWO WEEKS, not nine days.

Fuck off, Dixie Chicks. Now that the documentary is coming out about the backlash against them, we're going to have to endure yet another bloody round of them milking this "controversy" for every drop.

Hey! Yo! Department head! I have 98 hours of personal time off accrued. That's PERSONAL TIME to be used however I see fit. And it's none of your business HOW I use it.

When you tell me I can't take a whole day off to fly up to Reno to see a football game and grudgingly give me half so that I'm really cutting it close getting there before gametime because you people are -- and for the life of me, I can't figure out another reason, because there's another writer here -- INSANE.

Not only am I taking the whole day anyway because I went over your heads and cleared it with human resources . . .

Fuck off. Fuck right the hell off. And die.

Kiwis - fuck off you harry peices of shit.

Hood,
Hahahahaha. I LOVE kiwis but I hate peeling them.

Unless you were talking about people from New Zealand.

All this anger and bad vibes here are shocking. Some friends and I are going to be down at the park tomorrow for some poetry readings and a drum circle that I think would really do all of you some good. We also have some pamphlets that might blow your mind and teach you about being at peace with your fellow travelers on this spaceship earth.

WHEREAS -

Our normal UPS pickup service is scheduled every weekday at 4:30 pm;

AND our substitute UPS driver notified the shipper (me) on Thursday that he needed to be here at 4:00 "to catch a flight in the evening";

AND I agreed, because I am not a colossal stooge;

AND I dropped items off at 3:00 and went back to pack more;

AND when I returned at 3:50 and he was already there and gone;

AND I was reliably informed by the mailroom that he arrived at 3:20, and never bothered to tell anyone;

AND I was forced to call UPS and have them schedule a second delivery (for which they had better not charge us);

THEREFORE be it resolved that our UPS driver can FUCK OFF.

Given under my hand this 15th day of September, 2006, at 4:15 pm.

Asshole Harley riders who think it's cool to gun their motors and break the speed limit by 15+ MPH in a residential neighborhood: No, it's not. Especially since you seem to do it only when my toddler is napping. I know, I know, Harley's resurgence is an American success story, yada yada, but it's succeeding on the back of morons like you who feel the need to compensate for dicks that resemble pencil lead, so just Fuck Off, even if it's going to require a search party and an electron microscope to find your Fuck Tool.

Fuck Off to the TV Networks who are pitched thousands of ideas for new TV shows and manage to pick the crap we end up with. What the fuck.

A little late perhaps but I've only just found you and unquestionably the wrong thread but it's the only one I could access.

A magnificant tribute to Jeremy Glick by Caz on her Australian blog Avatar Briefs here:

http://avatarbriefs.blogspot.com/

Um, how 'bout comment spammers?

Another one (I know this has done before but I experienced it YET AGAIN yesterday): asshole behavior on the part of grocery store patrons.

Either talk on your cell phone or walk. DO NOT walk at a slower-than-snail pace down the crowded aisle, gabbing to "Madge" about what happened on "your stories" today. Seriously, they should have "holding pens" in the store where people like that have to go until they finish their conversations. (They could do it very simply: install cell-phone jammers everywhere EXCEPT the holding pen region. Yeah, I know, jammers are illegal in the US and that's another thing that's whacked. We should have the freedom to, for example, make our classrooms a forcibly cell-phone-free zone without actually having to confiscate the damn things).

Also, the teenagers who go to the wal-mart and run around in it gabbing and laughing at other patrons, because we do not have a local mall: you look stupid. Stupider than the people you are laughing at. And you are annoying. Please do not walk slowly, three abreast, down an aisle that is only seven feet wide; I cannot get around you with my cart and I just might take a mind, one of these days, to go THROUGH you.

Parents who leave their kids in the toy section of the wal-mart like it's some kind of free day care/ free toy test drive: I might one day like to purchase a toy for a gift for one of my friends' children. I'd prefer it not be pre-broken. Thanks. Also, although Wal-mart has a "code adam" system where they lock down the store when a kid goes missing, that's NOT in place so you can abdicate your responsibility as a parent.

I'm not a comment spammer and I sure resent being called one.

But I do know where I'm not welcome.

Bye guys. I wish you all the very best.

Sorry I'm late.

Well the 3 teenagers/20 somethings in Walmart is me. SOrry Ricki. But we're really not laughing at patrons. Its usually each other. Of course we don't walk 3 abreast, we duck out of the way when see carts... but we're loud and embarassing. We have no shame. :P

Universities who switch instructors 4 weeks into the semester for no good reason can just fuck off. 4 weeks is too late. Fuck that.

Teachers who ONLY teach theory and expect you to immediately grasp the application suck. If you don't teach me HOW IT APPLIES in real life I will never understand. FUCK YOU.

ricki,
Geoff's link was to one of the 2,996 tributes. I suppose a profanity-laced post telling off the world was a slightly inappropriate place to drop a link like that, but it's cool with me.

Mea culpa.

All I can say is that when I saw "Jeremy Glick" I read it as "Jiminy Glick," one of Martin Short's more annoying personae.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize he was one of the 2996.

if you wanna delete the comment where I made the comment-spammer crack, feel free.

I feel like a heel now.

I work at a juice bar in a health resort, and here's a big ol' FUCK OFF to every guest who feels the need to come behind the counter and serve themselves and make a huge fucking mess, all because they couldn't wait three seconds until i got back from the kitchen with more juice or whatever. My boss then proceeds to yell at me because it isn't a self serve bar. Basically, Canyon Ranch, all the guests, and all the employees can just fuck off.