it comes in pints?

I have a stack of 'em, but will parcel them out like biscuits.

Those people who force you to watch their favorite movie comedy, then quote all the punchlines seconds before they are actually said in the movie. Fuck off.

People who park along the curb in front of the market, thereby blocking use of the actual designated parking spaces by anyone else, can Fuck Off.

People who pass on the shoulder just to get a few car lengths ahead in a line of backed up traffic can Fuck Off.

Same for people who deliberately take up two parking spaces. Especially when that car is a POS. Fuck Off.

Drivers that think it is big and/or clever to try and squish past cyclists when there very clearly isn't room (at least not without making a f*cking good attempt to kill the cyclist).

They can fuck off.

Especially when they only have to wait about 3 secs for the car coming the other way to pass so that the other side of the road is completely clear and they can leave you alone.

They can fuck off and die.

And when they just have to push past you in this manner so that they can get to the end of the line of static traffic waiting at the lights ahead just 50 yds away.

They can fuck off and die. With knobs on.

"With knobs on."

I have no idea what that means, but it still made me laugh.

Yeah, any drivers who are not courteous and mindful of cyclists can totally fuck off. I've got friends and blog aquaintances that are avid cyclists and it pisses me off when drivers don't pay attention that they're on the road.

To the insane homeless man I saw this morning - during rush hour - you, homeless man, outside Port Authority - You, the one who took off your pants in front of everyone on the sidewalk, squatted, and began to take a dump - on 8th Avenue ...

FUCK.

YOU.

You have ruined my day. I don't care that you're homeless and possibly mentally retarded. You should be locked up.

I'm sorry that my Fuck Off is so disgusting. I truly apologize. But I needed to talk about it.

That's what this thread is here for, Sheila. In fact, I'd like to second your fuck off to that guy, if only for ruining your day.

Emily,

you'll have be careful or I shall be back with a "fuck Off" so big it will a "Toodle Pip!" on the end of it...

PG

"It will *need* a Toodle Pip!" that should read.

PG,
Do your worst.

Have I got one or what.

Government ministers trying to nick money - taxpayers money - from a pot specifically set aside for opposition parties to allow them to counter the extraordinary advantage of the government in the use of the Civil Service, media opportunities yada yada to get them out of a fucking massive funding crisis BECAUSE THEY ARE SO FUCKING UNPOPULAR THAT THEY CANNOT LEGITIMATELY RAISE MONEY.

They can and should FUCK OFF, SIDEWAYS, WITH AN ENORMOUS TOODLE PIP! SHAPED KNOB ON IT WHERE IT WILL HURT THE MOST.

How's that, Emily?

Gor blimey, PG!

Hugo Chavez. Hugo Chavez can fuck off.

And so can all the former-Bush-haters who are now "ooooo...no one can insult our chimpy mchitlerburton president but US!"

Closer to home: you know that person who, when you're in the middle of a conversation about, I don't know, the most recent episode of The Simpsons with someone else in the room, has to pipe up and remind you that they don't own a TV and haven't since, like, 1999.

What do you say to that person? Are they expecting you to drop the the floor and grovel in their greater level of sophistication? Are they expecting you to immediately deride all television as dumb and not really worth your time? Are they expecting you to say, "Derrrr...television don't kill THAT many brain cells....derrrr...dee dee dee!"

What I really want to do is to say, in my most syrupy, sarcastic-nice voice, "Oh, I'm SO very proud of you" and keep talking about the psycho-political ramifications of Bart besting Lisa at something. But I'm usually so floored by the person's insolence (Hey, bub! We weren't talking TO YOU) that I am rendered speechless.

damn. There was supposed to be a strikethrough on that "chimpy..." bit. stupid non-working html tags.

I guess it's still funny even without the strikethrough. Just imagine the former and current Bush-hater politician saying that part sotto voce.

Y'all saw this one coming: Bill Lockyer can Fuck Off. With. Knobs.

You know, just how "with cheese!" means "no shit!" to me, I think from now on "with knobs!" is going to mean "fuck off!"

The University of Oklahoma and their whiny president can fuck off for being such lightweighted sore losers. And their boosters can add the knobs for sending death threats to the replay official in question.

It's a GAME, you tools.

The phrase "fifteen minutes of fame" can fuck right off.

The guy in the pickup truck who was weaving in and out of traffic this morning with his untethered dog in the back of the truck can FO. The poor dog was torn between "Wow this is so fun BARK BARK BARK" and the sheer terror of almost falling out of the truck. I hope the pupper's ok. I hope the guy dies a terrible death in a fiery crash.

Since I just got to enjoy it, couples who need to make out a little whilst getting a refill at the soda fountain can please go fuck off.

Oh! And to the jackazz on craigslist that thinks my 4-month old PC in the box is only worth $150 (and he'll deign to give me cash), Fuck. Off. With Cheese.

And knobs.

Toodle pip.

PG,
That was so good, I almost need a cigarette after reading it.

Lost in translation. Look you lot, the knobs must specifically be 'on'. It doesn't work with any old unattached knobs.

I mean really, get with the programme.

Have a jolly fine day now ya all hear.

Mark,
I think you meant "y'all."

Ah yes, I'm still learning all the, how you say, subtle nuances of your fine language.

That's "su'tle NEW-onces o' yer fahn lan'uage", Mark.

Ken,
Mark actually used to live in Virginia as a kid, so ah thank he's got them purts down.

I was trying to tend more toward Mis'ipi, but from a distance they tend to blend.

Reminds me of the best accent I ever heard:

For a short time some years ago, I had the best fun talking with a German gal who learned English (British style) as a second language, then overlaid it with ten years in Tennessee. "Ah vorkt in Tennezee for ten yearz. Kin ya tell?"

Och that's nothing.

you should hear the people who run Chinese Take-Aways in the Gorbals of Glasgow.

Like chinese, it doesn't transliterate.

And no, that's not a Bush-ism.

Oh and my comment earlier was prescient: the wanker who had a good go at trying to knock me off my bicycle by driving straight through a microscopic gap without even bothering to slow down or STOP HIS MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION can jolly well FUCK OFF. I was frightfully cross - you can't begin to imagine it.

PG

I started vacation a couple hours ago.

So Work can fuck the hell off.

I'm starting to think it's for suckers, anyway.

Other people with offices in this building who seem to think that because I am one of the younger people working here that I must be some kind of hyper computer literate geek and run to me every time they have some kind of problem and expect me to stop doing my job to fix their mess. The guy that I call when I have computer troubles is named Andrew. Here is his phone number. FUCK OFF.

The pissant little motherfucker in the pissant little fucking beamer who passed me and about five cars on a two lane road before getting back in the lane one car two late and forced the guy coming in the other direction onto the shoulder to avoid a headon can FUCK OFF.

AND DIE.

WITH KNOBS ON.

AND WITH CHEESE.

TOODLE FUCKING PIP, MOTHERFUCKER.

In fact beamer owners in general can fuck off. There is no car brand* on the road being driven by more arrogant, self-righteous assholes.

*Porsche owners are just about as bad, but there aren't as many.

People who buy gas at a mini-mart, and then go inside to shop with their car parked AT THE PUMP can Fuck Off. With knobs on. I don't care what your excuse is....there are people who want to buy gas and then go home, and not wait while some tub of lard saves themselves a few steps.

Oh, and if that person comes out to put their groceries into the car, and GOES BACK INTO THE STORE FOR MORE STUFF? Fuck. Off. With knobs. And with cheese. You are a lazy, rude, and self-centered jerk.

Jeff, I'll go you one better. The ones who don't even bother to buy gas, but just think the area in front of the gas pump is their personal parking space. FUCK OFF.

And that includes the delivery people who deliver the donuts and newspapers.

If I may just quote myself here...

"To describe Hazel "Squirrel-face" Blears as a prize cunt would be wrong; not immoral or inflammatory or anything, just factually wrong.

Because, let's face it, if you received Hazel Blears as a competition prize you wouldn't want to fuck her face let alone her cunt: it's probably full of big, sharp squirrel teeth. So, given that I have no desire to choke her with my cock, after this statement I am going to have to resort to the old, tried and trusted method of using my bare hands."

So, no knobs here, I'm afraid.

DK

Good God Almighty! And there I was, thinking the Pedant General was just what it said on the tin.
I suppose I shall make myself very unpopular if I say that cyclists who clip my mirrors in their desperation to get to the head of the queue, cyclists who plant themselves in front of me and then wobble away like spavined giraffes and cyclists who think that traffic lights do not apply to them can all, collectively and individually, Fuck Off and stick their penile saddles up their sweaty lycra clad arseholes.
Thank you for the use of your forum.