it comes in pints?

So you're saying you don't want a cat?

Bigot! I'll sue you in England!

A lovely bit of ominous from the end of the article:

"People do have a lot of questions but in a few years from now when a few more thousand people have attended Scientology wedding ceremonies, it won't be something people have heard about but have never seen," she said.

If a man ever buys me a cat, I will kill him. No questions, no warnings, nothing. Just instant death.

Bill - I'd be disappointed if you didn't!

Marc,
I know! That sentence gave me the creeps, in an "after we take over the world" sense.

Um. Then your birthday gift is just a box. A strangely heavy, lopsided, never to be opened box.

Enjoy!

If I bought Christie a pan, she'd probably go upside my head with it.

Yeah, like you'd ever buy me a birthday present.

But I bet if you also bought her a comb and a cat at the same time, she'd be perfectly happy.

I thought you'd at least appreciate Hubman's sentiments to women - gee, men will sometimes "forget" their vows so you should be patient and understanding when he's a shit husband. That sounds exactly the kind of thing Hubman would believe.

Maybe I just hold myself to a higher standard than Hubman would expect.

Something tells me Christie probably wouldn't have said "yes" if those were the vows she had to take.

All I need is a pan, a comb, and a cat.

Seriously. I dream of having those three things. All at once. 'Twould be heaven on earth.

But I can't buy those things for myself. I need a man to provide them. OBVIOUSLY.

And clearly, this man needs to heed the vows as well. He needs a comb. Or better yet - a buzzcut. I mean, honestly. DO something about those bangs, dude. You look like a jackass.

Don't worry about it, red. In a few years, when a few more thousands have used that bangs tech, you won't find it that odd.

Go easy on him, Sheila. Just because he's not willing to admit to himself that he's a homo doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to have a homo haircut.

I couldn't even get "to obey" inserted in there.

No self-respecting gay man would have horrible bangs like that.

Also, Tommy boy - hate to break it to you - but you are not a "young man", like the vows say.

//bangs tech //

hahahahahaha

As if we needed yet another reason to stop the spread of this dangerous nonsense. Add to the list "the threat of the spread of stupid-looking bangs."

Tender happiness? Shoot, I likes my happiness ROUGH!

Um, yeah. So this is what I'd get out of the deal:

clothes: well, I'd argue pretty much everyone needs them. It's an ongoing need too, but one I've got under control.

food: ditto. Though food will probably soon be banned by the anti-obesity police, to be replaced by a regimen of vitamin pills and fiber smoothies.

tender happiness: I don't even know what that means. I know what happiness is and frankly, if I'm not happy now, marrying some schlub isn't going to make me happy. But "tender happiness"? What is that? Happiness that's been pre-tenderized?

frills: Not here. If a guy wants a woman to wear frills, he's infantalizing her, IMHO. Women over 25 or so probably should not wear frills.

unless we're talking about Elizabethan collars in a period play.

a pan - check, I bought that for myself

a comb - well, I have curly hair, so I prefer a natural-bristle hairbrush, but yeah, bought that for myself.

a cat - in the abstract, I like cats. However, I have a recently-refinished hardwood floor. And I have lots of "soft furnishings" that a determined cat could either claw or pee on. No thanks.

And what am I asked to give him in return? Apparently, let the guy roam if he wants to, and realize that he may "forget" his vows.

Yeah, not so much. Doesn't seem like a fair deal to me. He gets to sleep around and I get a pan.

But then again, what do you expect, for a "religion" invented by some hack writer?

The left side of my brain is telling me we should just ignore him and he'll go away. The right side of my brain is telling me that we should continue to heap large amounts of scorn at him and maybe even pay someone to beat the holy hell out of him, if only for his failure to make a decent movie since Far and Away.

Obviously, I am torn about what to do.

I keep saying "a comb, a pan, and perhaps a cat" really fast, trying to figure out if there is something else that it could mean. Can't come up with anything.

Ricki,
Come on. You also get a comb. Surely that's enough to excuse infidelity and/or being ignored. After all, it's a comb!

I didn't expect any more than this from the likes of Hubturd. He was a bigamist who treated his own wives like crap while he was alive - even had one of them take the fall for one of his "operations" against the government that resulted in her being given a prison sentence. That man was a self-absorbed asshole of the highest order.

"DO something about those bangs, dude. You look like a jackass."

Uh, Red, donkeys have feelings. There's no need to be disparaging to them.

I'm with Lisa.

Spare me the "tender happiness".

Gimme the pan, the comb, the cat, that's fine. But you can keep your "tender happiness" malarkey.

All I need is a pan, a comb, and a cat.

Well, I need a bit more than Sheila:

All I need is a pan, a comb, a cat and... this ashtray... That's it just a pan, a comb, a cat and this ashtray... and this remote control... and this paddle game... That's it that's all I need just a pan, a comb, a cat, the ashtray, the remote control and the paddle game... and this lamp...

Yeah, really. That's an insult to jackasses. I apologize.

Aw man, work sucks. All the good comments are already taken.

Although "a pan, and perhaps a cat" just cries out for an un-PC comment about certain, er, varieties of far Eastern cuisines.

There were lots of pans and absolutely no frills in my marriage. That's why I'm divorced.

Take my advice, "girls": If he doesn't promise frills, that's the dealbreaker. Run. Fast and far. A man that can't promise frills is no man at all.

And really, I'm glad I didn't get a cat or a comb. Sometime over those few years, both would have been jammed up his left nostril.

I dunno. Frills are pretty cheap where I live. I'd rather have some nice good heavy Le Creuset pans or something than a bunch of cheap frills that I would just KNOW came from the dollar store.

for the right man, I might even use those Le Creuset pans. And not on his head, either.

Yeah, I'm really gonna buy my wife pans for a present (eyes rolling), buying cookware as a gift, in my mind, is just above buying household appliances.

JFH, even better: buy her power tools.

Heh.

you gotta be careful with that Ken - I know this guy that bought his girl power tools, and she didn't need him any more.

Tim the 'Tool Man' Taylor describing the settings on the newly-installed whirlpool: "Low, medium, and who needs a man"

Thinking a lot about that comment about, how in a few years, this sort of gallimaufry will be better-known; then thinking that, as creepy as it sounds, it's the best possible thing. Why, sure, ma'am - by all means let AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE know all about your half-baked hokum! TELL THE WORLD! And please don't toss me in the briar patch!

I draw the line at pans, and any cookware, as well. My wife can have the frills, the comb, the food, the clothes, the tender happiness, and yes, even my freedom (like she hadn't already taken that). Just as long as she KEEPS HER DAMNED HANDS OFF MY MISE EN PLACE!!!!!!

Oooh, she may get weary...
Young girls, they do get weary...
Wearing that same old funky dress...

Well, maybe she...

Can bring home the bacon, and fry it up in a pan...