With apologies for my contribution to the absurdly excessive amount of chatter fluttering around regarding a certain impending celebrity wedding, but I could't pass this up. It's one of the bitchiest, mean-spirited things I've ever read. And one of the funniest.
Some highlights on the marriage tips for "Kate":
Kiss on that adorable baby all you want, but please, stop slobbering on each other every time you’re in the public eye. We get it. You’re in love. You have sex. The baby proves it. Now, please exercise some decorum. For us. We haven’t kept a meal down for over a year.Above all, Tom is a Good Samaritan. Why just recently, you both stopped on the road to aid at the scene of an accident. In 1998, Tom stopped a mugging. And in 1996 he rescued a family at sea. So remember, when danger strikes: 1. Dial 911. 2. Attempt CPR. 3. Text publicist.
No kidding. That man can't do anything without making it all about HIM. So, appropriately enough:
And as with your wedding, never ever under any circumstances invite Oprah. Tom should always be the most famous person in the room.
The best zinger of all comes at the end:
And most importantly, don’t make a sex tape. Tom might find it.Posted by Emily at November 17, 2006 12:04 PM | TrackBack (0) |
buwhahahaha! that's great!
Posted by: Mr. Bingley at November 17, 2006 12:07 PM"Tom might find it" - HAHAHA!
Posted by: Ken S, Fifth String on the Banjo of Life at November 17, 2006 12:55 PMI disagree. It might be educational for him. :->
Posted by: Julie at November 17, 2006 01:16 PMThat piece was hilarious, Emily.
//in front of several hundred of your closest associates, many of whom you’ve been casually acquainted with for practically a whole year.//
heh heh
Is Ms. Rodriguez matron of honor, I wonder??
Posted by: red at November 17, 2006 01:24 PMWell, they are, like, BFF. I wonder how many of "Kate's" friends were included, if she even has any non-clam friends left?
Posted by: Emily at November 17, 2006 01:28 PMHopefully she knows a non-clam commando who can grab a rope, Errol Flynn-like, and swoop her to safety.
Posted by: Nightfly at November 17, 2006 03:20 PMNot likely, with her uber-creepy "best friend" (read: scieno-handler to make sure they know where she is and what she is doing at all times and that none of her friends or family that disapprove of her new life have access to her alone) hovering around her at all times...even when she goes to the bathroom.
Posted by: Emily at November 17, 2006 03:29 PM"Obtain the 411 from hubby first thing, and when the flashbulbs start, you won’t have to lock on Tom with one of your creepy stares, as if silently imploring him to guide your every mood."
Truer words have never been spoken:-)
Posted by: Uzz at November 19, 2006 09:53 AM