it comes in pints?

It's up! It's up! And I'm here first! I feel like a kid on Christmas Morning!

I'd just like to extend a cheery "With Knobs On!" to all those drool-cup morons who ignore the fact that I'm trying to walk across the parking lot with a baby and a diaper bag in my arms, and decide to drive merrily through the crossing zone at freeway speeds, never once thinking to YIELD TO A FUCKING PEDESTRIAN!

Thank you! I hate fucking jackasses who act like spoiled fucking pashas to sales clerks and wait help. This is how I knew I would hate my ex-college room mate's husband. First time we went out to dinner he acted all lordly with the waitress, "can you remember to do that, sweetheart?" in condescending fucktard tones. Dick.

Anyway, I have been waiting days for this. Because my gigantic fuck off goes to Ehren Watada. This is the cowardly fucking fuckhead who enlisted in the army, accepted an officer's commission and then decided that he didn't want to deploy to Iraq because it's a "Bad War". In the local news he's currently the subject of all sorts of beatific stories and is out giving talks to hundreds of empty-headed aging hippies and the despicable spawn about how evil the war is and everyone is lauding him for being so "principled". You, sir, are a FUCKING COWARD! I don't care how the fuck you dress it up, you volunteered for the army you FUCKING MORON! Guess what genius, that means you have to fight when they tell you to. You fucking, lowlife media whore. I hope the army throws your fucking stupid ass in jail and you can rot there and think of all the soldiers who were killed doing their duty and picking up your fucking slack.

Grrr.

"Ehren Watada" is the sort of name that is nine levels of awesome if the person is cool, but is preening and ridiculous if the person's a jagoff. There's no middle ground. You're either badass or jackass with a name like that.

My holiday how-do-ya-do goes to the pinhead who packed into my in-law-to-be's parked car and then tried to race off without giving info. Mind you, my impending father-in-law has a permanent handicap permit. This Grinch was gonna stiff a handicapped guy with a huge repair bill for his smooshed bumper. Thanks to the off-duty officer who prevented his escape and called in the cavalry (Christmas is indeed a time of miracles), and fuck off to the loser - and to his idiot cousin who nearly did the same thing to me with me actually in the car and sitting directly behind him. They're called MIRRORS, you dorom.

People who don't actually listen to your question and instead just tell you what they think you want to hear so that you end up spending 2 days trying to do something that can't be done because the right stuff hasn't actually been installed as claimed can fuck off.

So can run-on sentences.

And, while I'm gracing these pages with the glory that is me, people who have a comical accent (usually Scottish) that they feel they must constantly break out to prove what a fun and wacky time is being had can fuck off.

Marc,
Even worse are the people who ask you a question and if you don't tell them what they want to hear, they just keep asking the question over and over again, as if reality is going to miraculously transform if they repeat it enough.

Sure. You just *had* to top mine.

Even worse is when you finally discover this habit and learn you have to press them, they get all defensive and angry. Fuck off with that shit. Just tell me straight out so I don't have to waste my fucking time.

Well, you have to admit, topping you isn't really all that hard.

Fuck off, Mike Nifong. Fuck off and die. I hope those three boys sue your sorry ass off and win and then you're left license-less and penniless and the bend-over bitch of some dude named Tiny.

Fuck the fuck off.

Ditto the Mike Nifong. He drops the rape charges but not the sex abuse and kidnapping? When one of the kids was verifiably not there? Has to be an attempt at saving face. Fuck the fuck right off Nifong...

And on that vein, fuck off Alberto Gonzales. You let the prosecution of two border patrolmen go through to conviction, taking the word of an illegal drug smuggler over theirs? And then in the face of scrutiny, claim your office hasn't heard of any concerns? Bite me. But first fuck off. With knobs on. And cheese.

The corollary to Emily's kick-off FO is for all the last-minute people who are outside of my work right now, at the mall, who have suddenly forgotten all notion of how to drive properly, including not blocking intersections, being courteous to other drivers, ALTERNATE ROUTES, etc. (Yes, my office is right across from the largest mall on the East Coast b/c, well, I work for the owners. So I can't complain about people spending money there.)

A double FO to the last minute dumbfuck shoppers who have NEVER BEEN to this mall before and decided today was THE PERFECT DAY to go, and, b/c they have NO CLUE where they are going, do dangerous dumbass stuff like making illegal u-turns and taking a left turn at 5 mph.

And, finally, a personal FO to the bratty lawyer for a major women's clothing retailer who has been on my ass since last night and whining (in her 12-year-old-sounding voice) to me that I'm not getting the documents to her fast enough and she didn't have to do this today b/c she's really on vacation (thank you--I'm slaving away here), making me rush to get her stuff to her by noon so I had to hold up people waiting for me to go with them to a co-worker's mother's viewing. . . and then sending a bitchy e-mail at almost 3 p.m. stating she can't sign this stuff b/c "many" of her requested changes (from months ago) were not given to her. How the fuck do you NOT notice they weren't there all along UNTIL NOW, you passive-aggressive brat???

Fuck off to fire drills perpetrated without notice. We were this close to having several thousands of dollars worth of materials ruined.

Damn, Ken. When I lived in the school dormitory my first year of college, the fire alarm in our building used to constantly malfunction and would go off at random. Because it was state-owned, by law we always had to file out of the building and wait for the fire department to come and give an all clear. This was particularly annoying when it happened at like 2 in the morning and we'd all be stuck outside in the cold wearing our jammies. That fire alarm can fuck off, even 16 years later.

At my school it was all the goddamn drunks who thought they were being funny pulling the fire alarm that had us out in the Minnesota nights. Fuck off all people who think they're funny!

The funny thing about the goddamn drunks like that is that it probably doesn't occur to them at the time, but they're going to be one of the people out in the cold as well. Oops. Bad plan.

A another big one to those morons who actually believe they are so much more important than everyone else that they don't need to wait in traffic -- instead, while everyone else is waiting patiently in miles of holiday traffic, they drive along the breakdown lane, the shoulder, even in the damn grass and then cram into place in front of someone else. You f-ing people and f-off!

All the overpriced fast food places in this terminal at the Fort Lauderdale airport that fucking closed five seconds after I got through security can fucking fuck off and die. The dispatchers at Broward County Yellow Cab can fuck off for being generally rude fucking assholes. And as much as I usually love them, JetBlue can fuck off for being at least an hour late, which means I won't be in Boston until 1 in the morning.

Oh, what the fuck, this deserves a post of my own; it's been way too long.

Ogre - YES! They can fuck off and die.

Along with those who, when an amergency vehicle is passing through traffic that is pulling over, jump out right behind it to get ahead of all of the people that had been in front of them. WITH KNOBS ON!

Also those who treat the right-hand turn lane as a passing lane.

And Pintos. Anyone who still drives, or has ever driven, a Pinto can fuck off and die. With cheese and knobs on.

The mouthbreathing fucktard who just an hour ago thought that it was a good idea to pass me as I pulled over to let a fire truck enter the street? FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF INCONSIDERATE SMEGMA!

Spooky, Ken.