it comes in pints?

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

2006 brought a new tradition to our tiny little joint here - the Friday Fuck Off Thread. I just started a random bitching post one Friday last August and invited y'all to join in. You did. And you enjoyed it so much, I've felt obligated to host it every week since. It's been a blast. I hope it stays that way.

So, it is with a toast to the new year and with all of my best wishes for great things to come, I give you the Friday Fuck Off Thread Best of 2006.

Happy new year. Keep on bitchin'.

"People who act all superior 'cos they don't shop at Wal-Mart, or don't use the air conditioning in their house, or ride a bike (double *sshole points for the recumbent-bike evangelists) instead of driving a car, and spend excessive amounts of time telling you why you should do as they do, or else the world will come to an end. Guess what? My only grocery choices other than wal-mart are a store that sells overpriced food that's dangerously close to its expiration date, or an hour's round trip drive to get to a Kroger. Deal with the fact that we don't ALL live in SuperConvenienceLand where there's a Whole Froods within a recumbent-bike-ride of your non-airconditioned apartment."

-Ricki, August 18.

"Renaissance Fair people. These people think that because every weekend they dress up in old-fashioned garb, eat with their fingers, joust, and say things like "m'lady" - they have an in-road to the deeper meaning of life. Seriously. Those people who take Ren Fairs seriously are, in my experience, some of the most obnoxious and pretentious people ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I have casual friends who do Ren Fairs every weekend and they always want me to come and ... sorry, peeps, no feckin' WAY. Spare me. I enjoy PROGRESS, I enjoy TECHNOLOGY. And no, my name is not 'm'lady'. My name is SHEILA. THANKS."

-Sheila, August 18

"How about another old favorite just because it came up again recently for me? Those people who think they have changed the world because they went and saw a particular movie. Or those that think we have a duty to the universe to see certain movies. Fuck off."

-"notmarc," August 18

"Star Jones, fuck off.
Rosie O'Donnell, fuck off.
Fans of Star Jones or Rosie O'Donnell, fuck off.

Anyone having anything to do with the little dead girl who won't go away, fuck off. She's been gone for a decade. You should be gone too. Now fuck off.

New rap acts, fuck off. Your so-called music sucks like a tornado in a trailer park.

Whiners, fuck off. And stop whining. But mostly fuck off.

I feel better now."

-Keith, August 25

"The neighbor kid, and the neighbor kid's parents are invited to Fuck Off.

Honestly. Is there really any need to hit the metal railings to the steps with a red whiffle ball bat over and over and over again, AND Sing while doing it? It was kinda funny the first time. Annoying the Third. This the fifth or sixth time it's happened, I say: Stop it before you are made to eat your red whiffle ball bat."

-Tommy, August 25

"Everyone can FUCK-OFF!!! Everyone!!

Thank you. I feel better now."

-"angryattheworld," August 25

"Fuck off to the geniuses in Northwest Airline's flight attendants' union who still think it will help their cause if they randomly delay flights and/or strike. 'cause we'll sure feel compassionate while we're sitting even longer than usual in the airport (or, you know, homicidal). "

-Steve G., August 25

"1. May God damn every religious fundamentalist to Hell.
2. May the shit of a thousand asses fall on the heads of all particle brain noise people.
3. Screw with extreme prejudice everything that divides people into 'us' and 'them'. (Listen to John Lennon's 'Imagine' for further details)"

-steve on the mountain, September 1

"Every fucking time I walk down the sidewalk I get behind 2 fat assholes who have to waddle sidebyside down the middle of the sidewalk and completely block it. Look, it's ok to be fat. It's ok to walk slowly.

But move the fuck over and let those of us who are not in the running to replace Pluto get on with our lives! fuck off."

-Mr. Bingley, September 1

"1. My left ovary. Hey, ovary? I don't need you anymore, so why don't you quit trying to expel yourself from my abdomen and just dry up and fuck off?

2. The guy who tailgated me all the way back from Target AFTER cutting off the guy behind me and then flipping him off--dude? YOU are the asshole. You don't get to be the flip-er of the bird in that situation, you get to be the flip-ee. So man up, own your assholitude, deal with the fact that the guy behind you who had to slam on his breaks on wet pavement in a TROPICAL STORM has every right to shoot you the bird, and fuck off."

-BAW, September 1

"People who spend every waking minute looking for things to be OUTRAGED! about. Go get some fucking ice cream or something and fuck off."

-Marc, September 8

"For all the people who fail to pull over for emergency vehicles, and especially those who use the fact that the rest of us are being respectful to pass us before we can pull back onto the street: FUCK OFF!!!! Those flashy lights and woo-woo sounds MEAN SOMETHING. I hope you have an aneurism, and I hope the ambulance carrying you gets stuck in traffic."

-Brian B, September 8

"Tennis players that have to grunt every point. Fuck you. You have ruined a perfectly elegant physical skilful sport. The crowd keeps quiet so should you. Tennis Authorities should have stopped it the first time anyone grunted, who was that anyway? Fuck the Tennis authorities too."

-colin, Sepetmeber 8

"Hey gang, I have great news!

Our long national nightmare is over! Let's all breathe a huge sigh of relief...Lindsey Lohan's stolen purse has been found!

Ya know what...it feels like September 8, 2001 again."

-Mumblix Grumph, September 8

"Yeah, Mublix & Emily... Lindsay-Fucking-Firecrotch-Save-The-Fucking-Firecrotch-From-Brandon-Shitbird-Davis-And-Paris-The-Black-Hole-Vagina-Hilton-No-Actually-Save-Her-Ass-From-Her-Fucking-Scary-Ass-Mother-Lohan... what the fucking fuck was she doing with $1 million worth of shit in her Hermes bag? I bet you anything she went into the airport bathroom to pack her nose (with coke her mother gave her) and left that behemoth CAN'T YOU SEE THIS GIGANTIC BIRKIN, IT'S ORANGE?! bag in the bathroom stall. And then wigged out. Because that's what the Bolivian Marching Powder does to your ass, bitch. Makes you freak out and lose shit. $1 million worth of shit. Well thank fucking Xenu, it's been found, because my ass was UP ALL FUCKING NIGHT pacing the floor, grinding my teeth with worry over that mess. Not. FUCK. OFF. Lohan. But before you do that? DON'T grow up. Wind the clock back to age 12 and have a fucking childhood. And hopefully you won't Menendez your sicko mother."

-Susanna, September 8

"Clothing companies who refuse to acknowledge that most women in their 30s and 40s want more options in our apparel than 'hooker' or 'grandma.' Seriously. Fuck off."

-Lisa, September 15

"Kiwis - fuck off you harry peices of shit."

-Hoodlumman, September 15 (hahaha. I can't get over this one. Somebody actually told a piece of fruit to fuck off.)

"Drivers that think it is big and/or clever to try and squish past cyclists when there very clearly isn't room (at least not without making a f*cking good attempt to kill the cyclist).

They can fuck off.

Especially when they only have to wait about 3 secs for the car coming the other way to pass so that the other side of the road is completely clear and they can leave you alone.

They can fuck off and die.

And when they just have to push past you in this manner so that they can get to the end of the line of static traffic waiting at the lights ahead just 50 yds away.

They can fuck off and die. With knobs on."

-The Pedant-General, September 22 (this was the first appearance of our now- favorite "with knobs on" expression.)

"The pissant little motherfucker in the pissant little fucking beamer who passed me and about five cars on a two lane road before getting back in the lane one car two late and forced the guy coming in the other direction onto the shoulder to avoid a headon can FUCK OFF.

AND DIE.

WITH KNOBS ON.

AND WITH CHEESE.

TOODLE FUCKING PIP, MOTHERFUCKER.

In fact beamer owners in general can fuck off. There is no car brand* on the road being driven by more arrogant, self-righteous assholes.

*Porsche owners are just about as bad, but there aren't as many."

-Our very own Ken S., September 22

"To those bastards that call your office at least 5 times a day with a prerecorded message saying something like:

'Hi! You'll be delighted to know that youve been chosen...blah blah blah'

FUCK your prerecorded little calling machine fucking thing the FUCK OFF.

To those stupid ass email spammers that even contemplate thinking about even contemplating the thought that ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would apply for a MORTGATE through a spam email titled "Hello, this is Peter."

FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKS."

-Val, September 29

"Although it's been said, many times, many ways...

People who weave in and out of traffic as if filming an episode of Miami Vice and then flip US the bird as if we're the problem - fuck off.

Add knobs if offender is on a cel phone, or cracking the pavement with 165 dB of heavy-bass hip-hop cursing."

-Nightfly, September 29

"To the fucking dry cleaner that serviced the shirt I put on this morningin a hurry only to have the buttons turn to fucking sand in my fingers: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING BUTTON BURNING FUCKER! With an extra added FUCK THE FUCK OFF for not understanding what the FUCK light starch means. I need to be able to move my arms when Im wearing a shirt you FUCKING OVERSTARCHING FUCKER!"

-Val, October 6

"Fuck the flu. Just fuck it. And to the asshole that brought this particular strain to the office (even though the incubation period on this one is so long I'm sure the poor fucker didn't know he was sick until it was too late), fuck you too.

And to the one that KEEPS coming to work spreading your fucking contagion, being a stupid fucking martyr because you imagine the place is going to fucking fall apart without you:

Fuck you. Fuck you HARD on the HOOD OF A HOT CAR."

-Shannon, October 6

"My shit ass neighbor that still has icicle christmas lights up on the eaves from 2004 that no longer work and who proceeded to add more lights in 2005 on the same eaves without removing the old icicle lights: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU LAZY ASS GHETTO FABULOUS MAKE EVERYONE'S PROPERTY VALUES DROP STUPID FUCKING FUCKHEAD OF A FUCKING FUCKTARD. And please, this year, dont leave your fucking brown Christmas tree out in the front lawn until fucking July, you FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKING FUCK NEIGHBOR."

-Val, October 13

"The soda machine in the hallway can totally fuck off. It just stole 2 dollars from me and I still have no soda."

-Sheila, October 20

"To all those drivers that see fit to make a fucking uturn on my fucking lawn because youre too fucking dumb to fucking read the fucking roads signs while youre driving and thus always, ALWAYS, turn into my street when it clearly states 'NO THRU STREET' right on the fucking corner: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU GRASS KILLING, CANT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF A SIMPLE ROAD SIGN I GOT MY DRIVER'S LISENCE WITH FOOD STAMPS ON EBAY DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKING MIAMI FUCKHEAD DRIVERS."

-Val, October 20

"Public Service Announcement to everyone who wants to grab my guns, or raise my taxes while telling me that you're doing it "for the common good": please be advised that I own a gun and shovel.

Was that too subtle? Then fuck the fuck off."

-physics geek, October 20

"Madonna. Madonna can FUCK OFF. With big, splintery nails.

You don't just tootle down to the used-child lot and pick one out like it's a 1998 Nissan. You remind me of those people who buy baby chicks for their kids at Easter, knowing the poor thing won't live to see May, but it's just SOOO CUUUTE!

Next time you crucify yourself in concert, do some other child a favor and stay on that damn cross!"

-Joel, October 20

"FUCK OFF ...

You no driving, over cautious, under attentive, piece of shit used Oldsmobile driving mutha fucka! You almost had my car up your ass and then almost crashed into a classic Corvette -- a sin unforgivable by the car gods."

-Cullen, October 27

"I feel like Ive lost ten pounds."

-Val, October 27

"I figure, anybody that hasn't already done something to piss me off, will. So, everybody fuck off.

And have a great weekend."

-McGhee, November 3

"To my neighbor, who sees fit to mow his lawn and trim his trees and then blow all the leaves and twigs and fucking green LEAFY bullshit over to the front of my yard: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCK. I have more FUCKING TREES THAN YOU, YOU LEAF BLOWING FUCKHOLE, AND A YARD TWICE YOU SIZE. GET READY TO RAKE SOME FUCKING SHIT YOU FUCKING TREE TRIMMING, LEAVE YOUR DEAD BROWN CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE FRONT LAWN TIL JULY SANFORD AND SON GHETTO FABULOUS TRASH COLLECTING PEA BRAINED FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKING FUCKTARD. AND CLEAN YOU FUCKING CESSPOOL OF A POOL, FUCKER, BEFORE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU FOR A REAL MAN WITHOUT FUCKING MALARIA."

-Val, November 3

"Oh I should say - I include Jorge Presidente Bush in that Fuck Off to the Rockefeller Republicans. They were right, shit head. You ARE like your daddy. Not that I havent observed that before, but just like you are now executing every exit plan you can think of and ditching whatever pretense you had about appearing Republican, Im ditching whatever support I gave you in the past, support I gave because you at least gave the APPEARANCE of being a conservative. But then that's what it was all about, wasnt it?

I am now agreeing with those who called you out to begin with. Fuck you AND yo daddy. Guess you and he showed Reagan, didnt you? Look, Jorge, next time we get attacked, don't even bother going to the press with a statement. Just go clink the ice-cubes in your tumbler and chat up the nice elderly lady who was so faithful as the president of the local RNC Women's Chapter. She did SUCH good work in keeping out the undesirables!

Asshole. Santa Ana's ghost is cavorting on the San Jacinto prairie right now, happy to see you complete his work. Thanks a fucking million. Fuck off."

-Sharon Ferguson, November 10

"To those people that refuse to leave their beloved little dogs at home even for five minutes and thus drive around town with their little poodles or whatver little runt dog they have in their laps: FUCK THE FUCK OFF. While it may be nice to take little PookiePuff for a spin, you are endangering your pitiful self as well as everyone else around you. DOGS DONT FUCKING DRIVE, ASSWIPES and should you have an accident and your FUCKING AIRBAG DEPLOYS, CHANCES ARE YOUR NOSE WILL BE RIGHT UP POOKIEPUFFS BUTT, FUCKTARDS."

-Val, November 17

"FTFOAD to the bimbette ahead of me at Einstein Bros. this morning. I KNEW what I was getting - plain bagel w/shmear and water for the boy, yogurt and very large coffee for me. But I couldn't order because of YOU.

So FUCK OFF you FUCKTWAT, with your tiny running shorts, tiny running shirt and matching little fucking running shoes even though you obviously hadn't been running because you were trying to juggle your fucking car keys and your fucking pink cellphone. And FUCK your inane questions:

"Can I get cream cheese on that bagel? Oooh, maybe I should get it toasted? Is that coffee over there? What kinds are they?" At this point, she made the cashier READ THE FUCKING SIGNS OUT LOUD TO HER. "I guess I'll have two? Is that creamer? Do you have 1% milk instead? I don't know anything about coffee? Is that really Splenda? Can I get lowfat cream cheese instead?"

FUCK YOU. And fuck your parents, too, for reproducing and unleashing such a fucking imbecile on the world just so she could be in front of me this morning."

-Shannon, November 17

"Teachers can fuck off. (No offense Ricki). I have a documented disability. And I'm not very hardcore "This is what i deserve and nothing less" about it, but if you're goal is to get shitty with me about whether LARGE PRINT is something I really need to waste my time with arranging, I'm done being nice. When I give you 2 fucking copies of my papers to prove my issues and what I need and you LOSE both of them, you should just go play in traffic. Because now you're not only wasting my time, but if you end up fucking me over so I can't graduate in May things are going to get ugly."

-alli, December 1

"As for my fuck off this week - the Santa Ana winds can fuck right the hell off. I know it's a small price to pay for living this close to paradise, but fuck an eh, the winter version just fucking sucks ass. I was enjoying my Indian Summer and 85 degree thanksgiving. Then the fucking winds started blowing and the temp dropped a whole twenty degrees - fuck you Santa Anas - I don't care if you clear the smog out of the basin, fuck off. (is it wrong for me to be complaining that it's 65 degrees here in December?)"

-KG, December 1

"So my FUCK OFF is to all the ignorant assholes out there who can't stop and think long enough to realize that it doesn't serve anyone's purpose to bitch out a clerk/waitress/salesperson/cashier/etc. for something they have no control over. For fuck's sakes, if you have a complaint, take the time to make it properly to someone who can actually change the situation... hence... if you think not enough staff is on, then call up the MANAGER and tell THEM since THEY are the ones that control that. Bitching out the person who is already working under pressure because THERE ISN'T ENOUGH STAFF is going to help HOW? And if you don't save your receipt or your packaging, then FUCK OFF and don't blame the clerk for not being able to just take your lightbulb back on your word. It's not 1953 anymore and you're not buying a lightbulb from the "General Store" on Walton's Mountain. The clerk is just following rules... don't bitch at her. So... think before you speak and otherwise, FUCK OFF. "

-fracas, December 1

"FUCK chavez.

I'm good now."

-"Curious Feller," December 8

"I am going to write a very scholarly paper and it will be published in all the major scientific and medical journals. And I will win a MacArthur Genius Grant for it. The paper will prove that when a woman has PMS and is exerting superhuman determination NOT to scream, NOT to bitch, and NOT to burst into tears, because she doesn't want to inflict her misery on the innocent people around her, she nevertheless emits pheromones that cause one or more men around her to act like complete a-holes in a way they would not do ANY other day of the month. My mother mentioned this phenomenon when I was a teenager, and I thought she was imagining it. Nope."

-Laura(southernxyl), December 8

"To the inventor of the necktie, which is nothing more than a noose disguised as a fashion accessory.

To the inventor of potpourri, which is nothing more than confetti soaked with cheap perfume. Saddam Hussein probably dropped some of that stuff on the Kurds."

-Alan K. Henderson, December 8

"FOAD to people who back into parking spaces with their SUV's or Ford F9000 and can't even do it right, so they take up enough space for the freakin Titanic. Is exiting quickly *that* important to you that you take ten minutes maneuvering your land yacht into a compact space? What are you doing, skipping out on your bill? Sheesh, get a life."

-Julie, December 15

"To Mr. Hardware Store man: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING STAPLER NAZI. IF I'D HAVE BROUGHT THE GOTTDAMNED FUCKING STAPLER I WOULD HAVE USED THE BRAND SPANKING NEW BOX OF STAPLES TO FUCKING STAPLE EVERY EXPOSED PORTION OF YOUR FUCKING LAZY ASS STAPLER NAZI SKIN, YOU FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKING STAPLER BOGART MOTHERFUCKER. IT'S A FUCKING BOX OF STAPLES FOR CRISSAKES, NOT A FUCKING PACEMAKER."

-Val, December 15

"A big fuck you goes out to the fucking editor on the project I’m working on. Look bitch, if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing then please fuck off and let people who know do their job. And don’t think I don’t know that you’re making a fucking mint phoning in your performance while I’m sitting here on my underpaid ass cleaning up your fucking mess.

(Side note. My mom, who is originally from Japan, doesn’t understand why telling someone 'Fuck you!' is a bad thing. 'Doesn’t that mean you want to have sex with them???' Uh, no mom.)"

-riye, December 15

"Fuck off, Mike Nifong. Fuck off and die. I hope those three boys sue your sorry ass off and win and then you're left license-less and penniless and the bend-over bitch of some dude named Tiny.

Fuck the fuck off."

-Lisa, December 22

Happy New Year, everybody. Thanks for being a part of making this dumb little hobby so much fun.

Posted by Emily at December 29, 2006 08:26 AM | TrackBack (0) |