it comes in pints?

I know we've covered it before, but people who speak on the ferry at at 6am in a voice loud enough that they don't even need to use the fucking cell phone can just FUCK OFF.

I want my seventy bucks back.

Come and get it, Val.

Emily, about your neighbors: as I said in my blog, there is no rehab for stupidity.
(Of course, I was referring to Britney Shears at the time...)

That said, the car company who keeps running the hip-hop "Hail to the Chief" ad over and over again can FOAD. President's Day is OVER, Einsteins. And even if it wasn't, running it ten times in an hour is worse than what they did in that Iraqi prison. ENOUGH! Take your fucking SUV and drive AWAY!

This has been covered quite well in other blogs, but I've waited all week for the FFOT, just so I can express myself accordingly. It's not original, and no where near a Val style FO, but it is from the heart:

John Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy, and all of the other fucking cowardly, spineless, self-centered, narrow minded, empire building, terrorist appeasing, fucking Democratic greedy Congressional fuckheads can fucking well fuck the fuck off. With cheese.

And for the 17 Republican House members who crossed the aisle to vote for the fucked up non-binding resolution opposing the surge in Iraq: Fuck off with knobs.

Thank you. I feel much better now.

Oh, Julie, oh, Julie!

I TOTALLY agree with you on the horrible, horrible GMC hip-hop Hail to the Chief(that is the car company and don't you think I'm going to forget it...they just totally turned me off of EVER buying a GMC) commercial.

I am so glad to know I am not the only one who loathes that commercial.

I kind of whimpered last night when it came on and they boasted how President's Day Sale has been extended through Feb. 28. Noooooo!

I have two eff-offs of my own.

First off: fourteen hour days can eff off. I have put in three this week. It's a confluence of things - teaching, research, meetings, and my volunteer work.

Don't get me wrong - I love my job. And I am happy that people think that I am capable of making a positive difference in the world. But I really, really hate sacrificing me-time on a regular basis to do this. So 14 hour workdays can eff off.

Secondly - and this is going to be one of those shaking-the-fists-impotently-at-the-universe things, because there's nothing MATERIAL I can do about it, but:

Cancer can fuck off.

I am watching a friend of mine from church slowly die of cancer. This person is doing it with more grace and calm resolve than most people I know could muster. But it still makes me want to put my fist through a wall sometimes, on their behalf.

Cancer, you both suck AND blow. And I don't think I've ever said that about anything before.

And I think anyone who's seen someone they care about go through the same thing is familiar with the horrible helpless suckitudinal feeling of NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING.

I mean, yeah - a person can pray. But for me, there's a point at which I'm ready to get up off my knees and FIGHT. And there's nothing TO fight here - it's not like being able to go and deal with some kind of injustice, it's not like going and giving blood after a natural disaster (which may be a purely symbolic gesture but it still feels like doing something), it's not like going and building a house for a family who lost everything in a fire - there's nothing material you can do and I don't deal well with that.

So, not to bring the room down or anything, but that's the biggest thing bothering me this week.

After Ricki's comment, I will bow out of this week's FO. There's nothing to add to it.

Ricki, it's probably not worth much, but my thoughts are with you and your friend.

Yeah, ricki. I'm sorry to hear about it. My best wishes, for what little they're worth.

Ive got an extra special FTFO today folks, so bear with me.

First, a little background info:

As you all know, my blog, Babalu, focuses on publishing the truth, the reality, that is fidel castro's Cuba. We have been doing so for almost four years and now, given the exposure we have had, it is becoming a thorn in the side of what's left of castro's regime. You may not know, however, that certain Cuban regime officials use a certain religion called "santeria", which is something akin to a afro-cuban version of voodoo, to maintain power and keep certain sectors of the population at bay. It is said that fidel castro himself depended on santeria priets throughout his reign over the island.

That said, I offer the following:

To the MOTHERFUCKING SANTERO PISSANT MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH BASTARD FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER that keeps leaving broken coconuts with bloody feathers in the middle of the street in front of my house in an attemopt to scare me into submission with the blog: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT ASS, CHICKEN KILLING MOTHERFUCKER. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN YOUR SHIT SO YOU CAN KILL CHICKENS UNTIL KFC GOES OUT OF BUSINESS AND DUMP THEIR BLOOD AND FEATHERS IN FRONT OF MY HOME ALL YOU LIKE, I AM NOT AFRAID AND I WILL NOT BE DETERRED SO FUCK THE FUCK OFF WITH YOUR DEAD FUCKING CHICKENS AND CRACKED COCONUTS AND FUCKING BEADS AND EVERYTHING ELSE. IF I HAPPEN TO CATCH YOU, I WILL NOT ONLY BEAT THE LIVING FUCKING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU, BUT YOU WILL HAVE DEAD CHICKEN AND COCONUT ENEMAS TO LAST YOU A FUCKING LIFETIME YOU SORRY ASS HEATHEN ANIMAL SACRIFICING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKS. FUCK THE FUCK OFF AND FUCK YOUR MOTHERS TOO.

I hope I havent offended anyone, but Im so sick and tired of cleaning up coconuts and feathers and shit from the front of my house that it aint even funny.

ricki,

I was typing and hadnt read your comment. Im too am sorry to hear about your friend.

Val,
Given your past rants about your neighbor, you could probably just chuck them into his yard without him even noticing.

Emily,

i would do that, but then he'd probably leave the pile up for decoration and throw christmas lights on it.

*hugs ricki*, for two reasons:
1) because of her friend and
2) because she had the same reaction I did to the "Extended to February 28th" line: NOOOOOOOOOOooooo!
There oughta be a law against both things: cancer, and that ad!

Cancer CAN fuck off. I'm sorry, Ricki.

(And old people in fast food restaurants can fuck off too. I'm all about respecting my elders, but damn. It's MCDONALD'S, not the fucking Cordon Bleu. They don't cook 'em medium rare, they don't put tomatoes on Big Macs, they don't comp you a coffee when you order food.)

Julie - give it a few years, and Congress probably will pass a law against cancer. Said law will allow John Edwards to file class-action lawsuits against every hospital in the United States whenever a diagnosis of cancer is returned. Therefore, on general principles, Congress and John Edwards can both fuck off.

Ricki, I'm very sorry about your friend. This is horrible. Philosophy is sort of useless at a time like this, but FWIW - I think that prayer can do a lot. It has to come from our heart - to trust and hope that cancer (and war and famine and sin and tyrants and etc.) do not have the final say. We will all leave the stage sooner or later, but when the curtain rings down, there's one helluva wrap party waiting for us...

Two cents and all, but I thought it was the right thing to say and I hope I haven't been out of place.

PS - Val - yowza. I think you loosened my fillings with that one.

*sniff*

a thing of beauty, val.

and the pure brilliance of it is evidenced by the fact that by just changing a noun or two it applies equally well to the fuckers who want my daughter to wear a burqa and me to give up pulled pork. FUCK OFF!

Ricki -

WORD on the GMC commercial, and on the cancer. I lost my grandfather to lung cancer, and watching him decline from the smartest man in the world who could do anything to a skeletal figure who couldn't even feed himself was awful.

And now on a completely frivolous note:
FTFO to people who cannot DRIVE in a STRAIGHT LINE on a HIGHWAY, and who have stupid fender bender wrecks that make me late! There are no hairpin curves on a highway, and except for the occasional stray cow or load of pillows or workmen's ladders that come out of freaking nowhere, no reason to slam on your brakes while travelling in a STRAIGHT LINE. ANTS have mastered straight line travel--why can't you?

Give up pulled pork? BLASPHEMY!

They can have my pork when they pry it from my cold, dead, bbq sauce soaked hands.

Thank you all. Y'all are awesome. For the good thoughts and the sympathy and all.

I've seen FAR too many people die of cancer, or have to go through nasty treatment for it. I really hope they eventually come up with a way to stop it - especially lung cancer (that's what my friend is suffering from), lung cancer's a bad mammajamma.

And I'm shaking my head over Val's coconut-thrower: two phrases come to mind:

"Nowt's so queer as folk"
and
"It doesn't TAKE all kinds, there just ARE all kinds."

Obviously, the person trying to intimidate Val can bugger off...but I'm just amazed that someone thinks that kind of crap is a good idea...(And yeah, I know a little about Santeria and vodoun and all that, but still...it makes me shake my head.)

goddamn, i'm hungry now.

and lower manhattan is NOT the place to be if you crave bbq for lunch.

Mr. B. - there's an excellent soul food place 'round the corner from my office. Lunch is on me, what with my 70 bucks and all. Meet me there at noon.

I doubt Mr. B will ever give up pulling his pork.

Emily,

You mean lunch is on me.

Ken would love us to have lunch on him.

Finders, keepers, Mr. Prieto. But why don't you join us anyway?

I doubt Mr. B will ever give up pulling his pork.

Oh, I don't know. Some times I get an urge for jerk chicken.

BINGLEY!!! What have I told you about writing vomit-inducing stuff like that BEFORE NOON?!?!

Pulled pork!? Today's a PB & J day for me, but congrats on your good fortune, Emily (such as it is in light of what you have to endure).

Ricki, sorry about your friend. When I got up this morning I was thinking a lot about a friend of the family in his early 30s with a wife & 2 little boys who is being treated for renal cancer. And Wed. night the local public radio station played 2 songs within minutes of each other that were songs I knew my high school/college buddy who passed away from cancer in 2003 loved and loved to hate respectively. There aren't enough FTFO's for cancer. I will remember your friend in my prayers and ask the Lord to comfort all who are grieving.

And now I'd like the morning talk radio guy I listen to on the way to work to fuck off for torturing me with the first 20 seconds of Joe Cocker's "With a Little Help from My Friends" b/c he was doing some top 10 cover songs thing and was too cheap to download the whole thing from iTunes. Actually that might have been his too-young & dumb program director who was too cheap. But the host can fuck off for playing it a second time b/c he looooves it so much. Never mind it's the same stupid first 20 seconds from the intro to "The Wonder Years." I'm trying to navigate this pothole-y street and I've got the visual of Joe Cocker doing his seizure-dance clouding my mind. Ugh.

And Val, maybe Emily can give you back part of that $70 to get a St. Michael statue. Point it right at that scary SOB neighbor's door.

"BINGLEY!!! What have I told you about writing vomit-inducing stuff like that BEFORE NOON?!?!"

Should I start talking about Malta, now?

[Whistles quitely while hurrying away...]

kate,

I guess I could get a St Michael statue, but perhaps maybe a few more 9mm clips would expedite matters a little...um... quicker.

John - we've talked about this before...

Val - well, St. Michael is the patron saint of battle...

I thought St. Michael was the patron saint of policemen.

I guess what with the dearth of saints nowadays, they have to multi-task.

Emily,

Youre right, a St. Michael AND a few clips....

Lisa,
That's St. Jude.

Ricki, from personal experience I too will add that cancer can just fuck right off. In fact, cancer can go through chemo and radiation and surgery and everything else that is painful and difficult and THEN fuck off. So sorry about your friend.

Val, years ago when I was growing up we had destructo boys playing around the neighborhood who would lob coconuts at people. One day I saw one of them try to shake a tree to get a coconut to fall. A rat fell out of the tree and landed on his head. So I figure for every ten coconuts you get there is at least one dumb fuck Castro lover with rat bites on his ears.

And my fuck off goes to whoever the hell was in charge of the Asylum this week. Next time lock up. Fuck. Your inmates apparently had a meeting and decided it was fuck with Nancy week. So I get crazy walk-in lady who tells me in excruciating detail how she was bitten by rats and so developed leukemia. No coconuts were involved unless you count her head.

And I also get Mr. Talk with Me on the Phone for TWO HOURS about something that is totally not in our jurisdiction and, yes, he UNDERSTANDS that it's not in our jurisdiction, but he needs to talk to someone to get this off his chest and I get fucking elected to listen to his sad tale of the government conspiracy that made his swivel chair break and landed him on the carpet and now he can't work for three years and he can't get an attorney to take his case because for some reason they think he's crazy. Gee, ya think?

Is it a full moon? I mean, what the fuck? Am I giving out rays? Fuck.

I forgot one...
And this may sound petty in the midst of people dying of cancer etc., but FOAD to my coworkers, none of whom offered to take me out to lunch today for my birthday. :-( (sniffle, sob)

nancy...I feel ya, sister. I've had weeks like that where I just said "When did we slip into Bizarro-world dimension and why did I not get the memo that it was going to happen?"

And now, my weekend begins. (I can eff off if you like, for the people who still need to work). I need to get OUT, man. Get out and have some good fried chicken and a nice big cold drink and do some fun shopping and distance myself from the challenging week.

Julie,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

FWIW, Julie, happy birthday.

Mine is next week. I'd say "getting old can eff off" but the alternative is far worse. So I'll take the gray hairs and the creaky knees and all that.

Ricki - enjoy. You deserve it.

Anyhoo - like someone else mentioned earlier, it seems kind of tiny in light of people with dying friends, but if Martin Scorsese doesn't win his Oscar on Sunday, the Academy can fuck off. Give him his due already before you end up having to give him one of those bogus "lifetime achievement" awards five minutes before he buys the farm just to make sure he gets one before he dies so you don't all look like fucking idiots to have never awarded an Oscar to a director of his talents, like Robert Altman.

And if the cute fucking kid wins in the supporting category, I'm going to vandalize the Kodak Theater on Monday morning.

The only thing that comforts me is, Ken will always be OLDER than ME.

1. A very hearty fuck of to my blogging addiction and my need to start doing it again.

2. Fuck off to civil discovery, motions to compel, and all the other bullshit that stupid ass trial lawyers do to generate billable hours.

3. Fuck off to all the assclowns who forget how to drive when it rains a few days out of the year here in Southern California.

KG - I know! Especially over the last couple of weeks when the rain has been completely light and unintimidating...yet the fuckers still forget how to drive!

Emily, KG - you say "forget" as if they ever knew. (Welcome back the 'net, KG!)

Val - you can save time by just naming your gun "St. Michael." Think of the kick-ass lines you'll get out of that!

The co-worker who just berated me for getting lunch at McDonalds today can fuck off. A quarter pounder with cheese once in a blue moon ain't going to kill me you sanctimonious twit, so just fuck off. With french fries.

Val - you can save time by just naming your gun "St. Michael." Think of the kick-ass lines you'll get out of that!

That is absolutely brilliant!

"Say hello to my little fren, St Michael the Archangel."

"St. Michael no like de coconuts and cheeeken blood."

"..but, being that this is St Michael, THE most powerful archangel in the heavens, you gotta ask yourself one thing: Do you feel lucky?"

I love when I get here late and you have already hit the topics I wanted to cover this week:
Stupid people (FTFO)
LA Drivers, especially in the rain (FTFO)
Cancer (FTFO backwards uphill in the rain)
the GMC commercial (FTFO with knobs!) I thought I was gonna die if I heard that thing one more time.

And a special personal FTFOADWTKO (no cheese) to this piece of shit ear infection/sinus infection/flu/cold/thing that refuses to leave my body and has robbed me of my voice not once but TWICE this week.

And Emily and Val, I needed a drink warning for the coconut sculpture comments!

Naming your gun St. Michael. I love it!

Dave E.--sometimes I eat lunch in my car just so co-workers won't comment on my lunch, good or bad. That should count as harassment.

If anybody ever made any snide comments about my lunch, I think I'd immediately threaten to force them to digest it backwards if they didn't shut the fuck up. It's nobody's business what I eat but mine (okay, maybe I'll nudge a little and say it is occassionally the business of a person in a stall next to me in a public restroom, but that doesn't happen very often).

Emily,

They say coconuts are good for digestion issues....

This morning I realized I had locked my house key in my house.

Shit.

So after I'd be at work a while, I ran home to make sure my spare key was outside. It wasn't, so I called a locksmith. This was about 11:00. He said it would be at least 45 minutes to an hour before he could get there, I said fine, gave him my cell phone number and went back to work.

At 12:00, he still hadn't called to say he was on his way, so I headed home anyway. And I sat in my driveway leaving almost-obnoxious messages on his answering machine. When did he show up? 1:20.

Fuck off, locksmith man.

Lisa,
Fuck, that's almost as bad as the cable guy who wants you to be at home between 6 am and 6 pm....that shows up at 5:59 pm.

Yessss. I hate those guys.

I would like to say Fuck Off to Paper Mate who has, in the last year, discontinued my absolute favorite brand of pen ever. I have been writing with that brand since my college days and I never buy anything else. I could feel that the apocalypse was coming last year when that brand was harder to find - so i went to Staples and bought a bunch of boxes of the pens ... but now ... that's all I have. Once I use them all up, it's over.

Paper Mate - why? Why?? All the pens are so fancy schmancy now but I don't like them! I have been a loyal customer since I was 16 years old!

Fuck You for innovating my favorite brand right out of circulation.

FTFO to the world's latest spring break.... March 26. :-( Everyone else I know has theirs on the 12th. Thanks for fucking up all my plans, fuckers. *cries*

I second the fuck off to cancer...can we add Crohn's disease and LUPUS to that list? My mom's best friend and her son are suffering from them now. They've been friends for almost 40 years now. Matt's LUPUS is under control, but Lynn's crohn's is not doing so hot. *sigh*

Your friend's in my thoughts, Ricki.

My district manager can fuck off. I finally take a day off, after working through a week's worth of bronchitis and a couple days worth of stomach virus thrown in to boot.

Sir, frankly, if you'll fuck off and call somebody who's actually AT WORK, maybe they'll be able to answer your question. I'm tired of all the hassle.

A little down time. That's all I ask.

Sheila, I feel your pain. I've got a whole drawerful of fuck offs for discontinued products, starting with my one true love: Diet Vanilla Coke. Damn you, Coca-cola!

I probably should have asked for a "no disclaimers" clause. I don''t care one whit if your eff offs seem petty or not in the light of someone with cancer.

In fact - it is the petty eff offs (and the naming of Val's "leetle fren" St. Michael the Archangelm that was awesome) that are helping me LAUGH in the face of sadness.

You know, life goes on, and all that Hallmark-trademarked crap.

And a total YES to the discontinued products thing. You ladies (and men who use ladies' shampoo) better never hope I like the same brand of shampoo as you do, because I have bad shampoo juju - it seems as soon as I find one I like, that doesn't screw up my hair, the company stops making it.

I also hate it when a store stops carrying a brand I like, even when the brand is still being made, and I have to go on a four-state pilgrimage to try and find it. Dammit! Keep carrying the same stuff, can't you?

Ricki, you reminded me--Hallmark can fuck off for creating a new line of creepy empathy/supportive cards. I am NOT sending a fucking Journeys card to someone coping with post-partum depression or divorce. Makes my skin crawl. Not something I'd want on my mantelpiece. I'm serious; here's the list: http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article|10001|10051|/HallmarkSite/GoldCrownStores/FULL_LINE_OCCASIONS_TOP|stores

They're really pushing them. Creeps. I know, some people would say they'd be at loss for words otherwise, but guess what? Most people are grateful for a plain old fashioned "sorry" or "call me anytime" instead of some supposedly profound yet stock blather someone's cashing in on. Better yet, how about something funny and off-the-wall, just as Ricki said above? Maybe it's just me. But that's what's great about the FFOT.

What garbage talk, you talk about other people but you are no better them them, with this filth coming out of your mouth.

Also to the person that started this thread keep Tim Mcgraw's name out of your filth talk.

What garbage talk, you talk about other people but you are no better them them, with this filth coming out of your mouth.

Also to the person that started this thread keep Tim Mcgraw's name out of your filth talk.

I think somebody missed the point of these threads.

Sorry I'm late.

To the two fellow community college students on the bus who complained about how overpriced the cafeteria food is (it is), and then proceeded to extrapolate that the Culinary Arts program, and by extension its students, are to blame, and then concluding that we should be required to do community service:

Fuck the fucking fuck of you fucking sanctimonious, ignorant, conclusion-jumping, all-black-wearing, pierced-in-places-I-wouldn't-touch-in-a-hazmat-suit neo-hippie soy-latte-drinking Transfer degree majoring, ethnic-and-women's-studies mionoring hypoctritical morons!

For starters, on top of tuition I pay several hundred dollars per class in lab fees to pay for the food products we learn on, which in turn is handed over to food services (a SEPARATE ENTITY WITHIN THE COLLEGE FROM THE CULINARY PROGRAM), who sells it to you. Imagine how much more that overpriced food would cost if they didn't get that from us? YOU'RE WELCOME, NOW FUCK OFF!

Community service? One week before your conversation, I spent my afternoon flippiing 800 burgers for the homeless, as part of my Restaurant Lab class. When was the last time you did anything more than wring your hands about how unjust homelessness is? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, NOW FUCK OFF!

What did I ever do to you, you fucks, that you should be so scornful? Oh yeah, I spent 2 days working on the Harvest Dinner, where we raised $200,000 for the College Foundation, who uses it for scholarships for FUCKS like YOU! YOU'RE WELCOME, NOW FUCK OFF!

Maybe next time before you open your stupid little mouths, you should stop and ask yourself if you know WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

*sigh*

Thanks

Late to the party...oh well, that's never stopped me before.

To the parents who pull these two delightful stunts...FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Stunt one:
Telling their kid "We're leaving. BYE! Goodbye! We're going now! Goodbye, bye Michael...See you! BYE!
Anna Nicole Smith is dead, and yet you live?

Stunt two:
Being so impressed with the name that they glued onto their offspring that they feel the need to shout it at the top of their lungs. All three names:
"ANTHONY BRADLEY GARBONZOWITZ! Get over here, NOW! We're leaving. BYE! Goodbye! We're going now! Goodbye, bye Anthony...See you! BYE!

These people make Brittney Spears look like Florence Henderson.

A pox on them all!

Gloria? You know what to do.

Filth talk? How old are you? Grow the fuck up.

Nancy: "Is it a full moon? ... Am I giving out rays?"

Look at a calendar. It's them pheromones, I'm telling you. Expect more in the week ahead.

Girl, you need to move outta Hawthorne

Tex,
What good is moving out of Hawthorne going to do when idiots like Gloria can wander in from any corner on the planet? At least the drunks drop their money from time to time.

But Emily, in blogland, you can't slur your pronunciation and disguise the fact that you don't know the difference between "then" and "than", and even then manage to mis-spell "then" as "them". I mean, you can immortalize the stupidity of the drunks here, but the commenters enshrine their own stupidity in black and white on your blog for the whole world to see. And they do it voluntarily. As the credit card commercial says: "priceless".

I'll save the Tim McGraw FO for next week, but I am afraid that might miss it, becuase I'll be out of the country.