it comes in pints?

Haha! I've got to spend some quality time at the uncyclopedia when I get a chance!

Even worse than the political messages are the computer generated ones that tie up your phone even when you try to hang up (they keep the line tied up for the full length of the message). They should be banned and their perpetrators drawn and quartered. FUCK OFF WITH KNOBS ON!

The fucking iranian government can fuck the fuckity fuck off, with pig knuckles.

Bingley,
I'd still like to thank them for the ENORMOUS laugh I got over their OUTRAGE! at the film 300. Talk about delusional.

Kansas can fuck off.

Rock Chalk Fuck Off.

Lisa,
The state or the band?

Kansas? What, did they pass another creationism law?

The basketball team.

I have three:

Number one: Product placement can fuck off. It was bad enough when CSI started the season with what amounted to an hour long ad for Cirque du Soleil, but Wednesday night CSI:NY showed a closeup of a CSI putting the biggest mf batteries (with huge letters spelling DURACELL) into a flashlight. I thought maybe it was a clue or something. Nope. When the commercial came on, the announcer said "This portion of CSI:NY sporsored by DURACELL"! No shit, sherlock?

Number two: industrial toilet paper that is so thin and scratch it could be tissue paper can FOAD.

Number three: Harris County can FOAD with cheap Velveeta cheese knobs for not ponying up the money to search for a young woman's body they know is in the county landfill. The lowlife that murdered her even told them what dumpster he put her body in. (Details at click2houston.com if you're interested.) To paraphrase a campaign ad of long ago, "It's a human being, stupid." Thank God for EquuSearch for offering to search, at their own expense. Shame on you, Harris County. Shame!

Julie,
Oh my god. I don't even know what to say to that last one. That's despicable.

Houston police are not allowing EquusSearch to
go into the landfills. It's too dangerous.
/sarc
Hope enough folks down there raise enough hell
to get it done.
Why can't they use the logs on the truck that
picked up the dumpster to locate where it unloaded
and when.

Emily,
Yeah, that whole guilt thing after you decline to sign their petition is annoying, especially when it happens at my front door. I don't mind that they asked, but "no thanks" does not mean "wheedle me and whine at me until you can guilt me into signing".

Along those lines, my FO for the week is to my local pet food store. Look folks, I like your store, you have all the things I need for my dog, and you're conveniently located. I didn't mind the occasional "would you like to make a donation to _____?" during check-out, but good grief, it's every single time now for some good cause of the week. No, I will not give you five bucks to help care for abandoned three-toed sloths. No! Fuck. Off.

Emily, the political recording harassment I got last fall was insane. Some women's voting group was leaving me messages every day for nearly a month before the election. I wish there was a number to call back to say, "ALL RIGHT! I'm VOTING! I vote EVERY TIME! Check your records and leave me ALONE!"

Ahem.

People who abuse the business casual policy can fuck off. With 100% Lycra. Just because it's Friday does NOT mean you can wear a sweatshirt to the office. I would think a certified paralegal in her late 30s--who normally overdresses in suits and heels any other day--could figure out that if a shirt's label says "Yogawear," it should be worn to YOGA, not WORK. Never mind that a quick glance at the handbook says, "no athletic wear."

Of course, anyone with any authority to say, "Hey, that's not appropriate and please don't wear that in the office anymore," but won't b/c they are either too lazy or too afraid of crossing some dumbass imaginary protected class B.S. line, can fuck off at every chakra level.

I just read that, Kate, and all I can say is that I bet if she was white and blonde, they'd be out there with bulldozers until they found her.

I make a point of signing every silly-ass initiative petition that comes out, just because in this state, that's the ony way a non-Democrat can take part in the political process. I may vote against a measure, but I'd like the chance to vote on it anyway.

Collection agents who call back daily can fuck off and die. Slowly and horribly. With cheesy knobs and knobby cheese. Get a clue, wankers: we pay the polite ones first.

Winn Dixie, Kroger, CVS, and any other duck-humping store that requires me to produce a little piece of plastic so the prices you charge me are the same as those charge for everyone else (and are STILL too high!) can FUCK OFF. They can fuck off with cheese and knobs. They can go pound sand up their asses until they, too, will be known as Sandy Cheeks (sorry, SpongeBob). If I wanted you to track every fucking thing I buy, I'd send you my fucking shopping list, you empty-headed fart-bubble snap-and-sniffers.

On a different note, does Armadinajad look a lot like Ringo Starr to anyone besides me? Has anyone seen Ringo lately? Is this all a coincedence?

CuriousFeller, it's not Ringo you're thinking of.

"you empty-headed fart-bubble snap-and-sniffers."

Tee-hee-hee.

And amen, Lisa. That's what pisses me off the most.

Lisa--? I didn't comment on the Harris County situation. But I agree, the whole thing is horrible. And awful that while alive and in an office environment she would've been treated with kid gloves (what, b/c she could sue?). . . but now that she's a murder victim (may she rest in peace) she's not worthy of a proper burial. I don't understand why it's not important that her remains be found.

Nancy Pelosi can fuck off and die with assburgers, just because. So can Murtha, even if he has been off the radar screen.

Idiot drivers who use their horn to announce their presence to the world can fuck the fuckity fucking fuck off. Bicycle riders do NOT need that TOOT! to let them know you are there....simply pass on the left. I keep close to the curb for that reason.

Further, you do not need to hit the horn coming up to an unmarked intersection, even if it is an oddball one. If someone is driving with their eyes closed, their problems aren't going to be resolved with a prolonged musical note. Merely be cautious in approaching and going through said intersection. Adding another minute or so to your trip isn't so bad.

Sorry, Kate, that was Julie. My bad. I blame Bill Self's Toupee.

Junior staff who call in sick for a week during the busiest time of the year, knowing that I will have to do their work on top of my 70 hours week can fuck off with bells, cheese, knobs and any other clever thing you all can think of on.

Oh and by the way...in case anyone is feeling sorry for the little fucker, I doubt very seriously he really is sick...he is a big fat whiny baby who would call in sick with a hangnail, and he can FOAD!

Fuck off to people who are selling houses in SoCal who seem to think that hanging on to the BITTER FUCKING END and going through foreclosure is better than making a modest profit and selling at a reasonable, lower price.

And fuck off with assburger knobs to interest rates for going back up.

Blog spammers can fuck off.

"After Hours" can fuck off. Sending my tux to Westbury, LI instead of Rockaway, NJ is NOT FUCKING FUNNY! You better hope the one I'm picking up today fits right, because Zuul knows there isn't enough time to have it fixed if it doesn't. I'm supposed to be walking two bridesmaids down the aisle tomorrow, after all.

My brother's GF can join the queue.

I love my bro, so I'm trying to be charitable, but I happen to be a very Italian bug - and as such, the surest way to tick me off is to offend my family, especially in first few days you've met me. Causing useless fights with my brother for no cause? Fuck off, sweetness. Openly discuss what you want to do with my mother's home after she's not in it anymore? Add big ol' knobbly knobs.

The capper comes just this week. A few months back, when she met me and the Ladybug, she heard that my bro was my best man and my sister was going to be a bridesmaid ('cause that's how the Ladybug rolls, y'dig). "Oh, I can be in the wedding too!" she chirps. Uhm... you're invited, sure, but I've known you for 200 seconds. Take a pill. And when my sister requires emergency surgery yesterday, your immediate reaction ought to be concern, instead of your choice: "We'll just alter the dress so I can take your place in the wedding!"

Ahem.

THAT'S MY KID SISTER, YOU BITCHY LITTLE TRAMP. At this point, I wouldn't invite you to WALK MY DOG and SCOOP HIS TURDS barehanded, but my brother cares for you so we're making the best of you, you infamous creature. You should be thanking God above that my brother didn't hear what you said, and is a loyal and kind man who hasn't yet found himself a decent woman who isn't a selfish, psychotic bitch. Paris fucking Hilton would think you were a boorish, insensitive fucking hussy.

Welcome to New Jersey, sunshine - and fuck off the fuckitty fucking light fucktastic, with knobs on, and a fucking brass marching band soundtrack, in John fucking Woo slo-mo with the damned flappy birds (may they void their bowels upon thee), and Movie Guy narrating - "In a world... where your brother's girlfriend can fuck off... With Knobs On - coming soon!" Just load up your Sack-o-Crap and rock down to Fuck-Off Avenue, chickie - and then take it higher.

Unless he dumps your sorry cracker ass first. Then there's a fruit basket.

False hope can fuck off and fucking die.

If you tell me that something is under review you give me the impression that someone with authority is looking at it. Not that it hasn't even made it through screening. Fuckers.

Nightfly,
What a cluelessly awful sounding woman. I would never even let a guy go that far. Treat me like shit, it's my fault for putting up with it, but disrespect my family or my parents? Buh-BYE. FOREVER.

Anita Snow, the AP's Havana Bureau head, can FUCK THE FUCK OFF with cheese nobs, assburgers, twatwaffles, fuckfarts and the FUCKING SHOEPOLISH SMEARS ON HER MOUTH AND FACE FOR BEING THE FIDEL CASTRO FUCKING BOOT LICKER SUCKFACED PROPAGANDA MOTHER FUCKING COMMIE PINKO BITCH THAT SHE IS.

Clients that cant decide on the size and style of a fucking window and make me change the design and drawings and specifications back and forth bcak and forth and back and forth againt can FUCK THE FUCK RIGHT OFF. ITS A FUCKING WINDOW FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU MINDLESS FUCKS.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU MINDLESS FUCKS.

There's a fucking beautiful balance to that, Val.

Democrats and Republicans that can be "bought off" with pork to pass a bill to fund the troops in Iraq, can all fuck off!

A little late on this one, but the University of Tennessee can fuck the hell off for doing what they did to Long Beach State in the openning round. Fuckers.

My job really needs to just fuck the fuck off. (Though if you read my blog recently, you'd already know that)

Bill Self's toupee? Ew. You'd think of all places, the sports field would be o.k. with people looking, I don't know, how normal people who age and do a lot of athletics look. (I'd make an exception for hockey players--your teeth get knocked out from playing, by all means fix 'em up.)

O.K., I counted a couple of instances in Nightfly's FO (and what, a neat little shout-out to Eddy Grant in there? See, I know THIS music, Emily!) where I would've had my hands around that little chippy's throat. 'Cause I'm Italian AND a female. :) But, really, that sucks. I hope she either shapes up or ships out.

The Washington State Department of Transportation can fuck off. I'm not really pissed at them (it would be like getting mad at a dog for scratching), but this is FOAD-worthy bureaucratic stupidity.

Mr. B,

There's a fucking beautiful balance to that, Val.

yes. It resonates.

Joel,
I think it's safe to say that you could pick any Department of Transportation at random from anywhere in the world and there's a 99% chance it's a fucked up bureaucracy run by clueless Vogons.

Kate - Hahaha. Actually, the "Teenage Wasteland" mistake is really common. A lot of people call it that.

Nightfly, how on earth did your brother get involved with such a vaginaclot? Please tell me she hasn't whelped with him as well; you'll never be rid of her then. Sort of like cockroaches.

And I'll remember your sister in my prayers. Is she all right?

Yeah, I second what Joel says, Nightfly. And I can fuck off for not being sensitive enough to say as much earlier.

Human Resources, who decided that Friday at 3 PM was the best time for a meeting concerning a situation that went down six weeks ago.

They get the big rubber glove fuckoff for doing so without pondering whether we'd already fired the associate (we had), whether the other associate in question was in the store (he was not), and whether the manager was trying to leave early for his ever-loving vacation (I was).

It's called timing, and if I could bottle and sell it to people, I'd be a fucking bajillionaire.

Nightfly, I hope your sister does well. And I hope your brother gets his head back into the light. I hate to say this, but his GF sounds an awful lot like my ex-wife, with ultra heavy emphasis on the "ex".

Joel, all I can about WADOT is that they do enjoy spending tax money, don't they? Jeez, that's virtually a UNIQUE load on the highway system. I'd worry more about the dual trailer loads that are all too common these days; they are so frequent as to constitute a FAR larger detriment to the highway system than one that's multiple standard deviations out.

WADOT could issue a conditional waiver to the rules, maybe inspect the road as the trailer rolls. I-90 in Washington doesn't have many major bridges (I'm thinking maybe two or three). This isn't the problem child they are making it out to be, but they want to show people that WADOT "cares".

WADOT can fuck off and munch on asspie. With cheese.

"Asspie."

Another one for the compilation, Ken.

For the record, I didn't invent "asspie", Emily, someone else a few FFOTs back did.

But it DEMANDS compilation, simply by existing!

HEY KEN...

Now, THIS is "Breaking News":

BREAKING NEWS: Funds Approved To Search For A&M Student's Body

Yessssssss! Good happens!
Happy Friday, y'all!

I-90 in Washington doesn't have many major bridges (I'm thinking maybe two or three).

I-90 in Washington doesn't have many major bridges (I'm thinking maybe two or three).

I think there's one really major one, where the frreeway crosses the Columbia. They can miss the floating bridge in Seattle, which would be a problem.

CuriousFeller, I'm a little late in saying so, but I second your FTFO to the stores with cards, particularly the Slaveway down the road from me. When their "sale" prices are higher than any other store's regular prices (even iwth a card), you'd think they'd have enough jack to HIRE MORE THAN TWO FUCKING CHEKCERS! On a Friday afternoon!

Good news, Julie!

To all - thanks for the well-wishes. As my co-blogger would say, damned right the Sisko is angry. But the important part is that things went well, and Sis is out of the hospital and comfy at home.

As for bro - he's smart, he's growing aware that's he's fallen in with a girl who's no good for him. Believe me, JeffS, we're all cringing at the thought of her getting pregnant. She already exploits his generosity towards her existing son (poor kid); one of his own would make this succubus a permanent feature in our world.

And no need to put yourself on here, Emily. I'm grateful to have the forum, rather than shouting the above at the GF, or on a street corner or something. I'd put it on my own blog, but a few folks who've ferreted out my identity like to gossip about things I put up there, which means that I need to be circumspect in my personal rants - and that rankles, as you can imagine. It's actually a much sneakier version of what the GF does to my family - the quiet dig, the four words out-of-context, the "Did you read that?" - and it's from people I haven't even met, but who know the Ladybug's family. I had to take down my eulogy about her Grandpa because of them. Spiteful gossiping can fuck off.

Migraine headaches can fuck off and burn with scalding, milk-skinned pots of Velveeta and Ro-tel thrown on them.

Wow, Nightfly, that succubus (!) shouldn't be approached by your bro with fewer than TWO condoms on board. Eek! So glad you shared that with us. I hope you feel better - you must. May make it possible to tolerate her presence the next 200 seconds. Bitchubus. Cuntubus! Whee! Hopefully your brother is going to come out of it okay and her kid will not be too heartbroken. But doucheytwatwafflevaginaclots like her are serial shitbirds with zero regard for their kids.

And Julie: yea! for funding!

Migraines can still fuck off and die a violent, suffocating death.

Joel, you're right about bypassing the floating bridge....I forgot where the Tacoma Narrows bridge is!

But I think that there may be a bridge of concern near Ritzville, at the I90/US395 intersection. I haven't been there for a while, though, at least not long enough to look at it.

In any case, the bottom line is that WADOT can fuck off.

Even better karma:

"The search will be paid for with seized drug money."

It will be a tough search, through 40,000 tons of 20-foot-deep trash. And now they found out that the piece-of-slime that did this to her *dismembered* her and put her body parts into various trash bags and bins.
Now, don't you think it would be only fitting if, when they find her, they put her murderer in a trashbag and threw him in the landfill? Actually, come to think of it, it would be better if he got life in prison and became someone's bitch for the next 60 years.

Please keep the search, and Gale Shields (her mother), in your prayers.

Thinking good thoughts Julie.

And let the messages be sent throughout the land:

THE FFOT GETS RESULTS!

Yes! To the search!

And sorry to Susanna (possible originator of the term "asspie" on the FFOT?) about the migraines. I just read something about taking Co-Q10 for them, but I haven't heard whether or not it works from the friend I recommended it to.

To Ken Starr (yes, that Ken Starr), for taking the government's side in Frederick v. Morse. You know something's up when conservative Christians and the ACLU are backing the plaintiff.

Thanks Kate. I will take anything, natural, witch-oily, chakra-y, or alternately prescribed by the neurologist and made of odd vasoconstricting things or even prescribed narcotics (I don't really care) that is meant to help. I will try anything, included au natural things advertised on the Dr. Laura show. For real! This was the first one in about 18+ months. The prophylactic, non-narc drug was working. I got smug.

Here's to karma! Yeah karma!

(I first heard of the asspie from my dear husband.)

(A little late here; just got back into town after break).

First: good news (well, as good as it can be) that they're searching for the missing woman. I hope the guy who killed her sees the justice he deserves. And I hope her family finds some kind of peace.

My FO is this:

Drivers who tailgate you when you are already going a bit over the posted speed limit. Look, clown, back off. If I have to hit my brakes hard for some reason, you're going to be up my tailpipe and I'm going to be really cheesed off. You are not going to make me go faster by insinuating your front bumper against my rear bumper. (I should get some kind of bumper sticker stating that unless the tailgater's car is planning on having intercourse with my car, they should just back off).

I am not going to risk a ticket - especially since I was driving with a State A license plate in State B, which in State B is pretty much a "ticket me!" signal to the cops. You can just take a chill pill and if you're late, you should remember to plan next time for getting behind someone who's unwilling to go more than 10 miles over the posted speed limit. No, I don't care that it's a rural area with almost no traffic. You can pass me when we get to a passing zone, if you're that close to peeing your pants.

People who pass on the right hand side by running onto the side of the road can sod off. Yeah, yeah, it's legal here, but so is marrying your first cousin in some states.