it comes in pints?

Fuck, I have nothing to match that. Stop being such assholes, guys.

Anyway, all of you smart asses who looked at me and said "both copiers are busy again?" or made some smart ass "killing trees again?" can FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I'm not printing this shit for my own amusement, in case you motherfuckers didn't notice, we have a trade show this weekend, and that means specials books. That means 500 copies for the show, and 25 for each salesman.

Not sending it out to Kinkos was not my fucking call, so stop fucking suggesting it or I'll pop the side cover open and shove your face right onto the fuser. I know you have shit to print, that's why I skip your print jobs ahead of mine when I see them on the screen...without one fucking word of thanks from you, I might add. So shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

Emily, please be sure to file your FFOT post. This is surely one for the history books...and not because of a new use of the word "fuck". That came from the heart, rings true, and ought to cause the blood pump of those assholes to stop beating for a moment. At the least.

For myself:

I wrote a long e-mail to my senators yesterday. I was polite but blunt, and a bit long winded to boot. However, given the circumstances, I couldn't say what I really wanted to. Which was:

You voted the Democratic party line in support of the "Defeat Deadline Bill", and supporting the tabling of the measure until after Congress's spring break. Thereby insuring that our troops don't get a real funding bill for at least weeks, if not months...while passing other "emergency measures" in the meantime.

Whether you agree with the war or not, you are fucking with the lives and health of our military forces in combat. For that alone (and there are other reasons, believe me), you can fuck off and die. There was a time when I may have voted for either of you (and did, one time). Never again.

Even though my state is solidly "blue", I still have the satisfaction of casting my future votes as I see fit, not as the polls lean. And that vote will not be for you. I do not care what kind of log rolling took place for this bill.

I. DO. NOT. CARE.

You (and the Democratic party) are beneath contempt. The Republicans, for all of their fucking things up (and they are clearly learning from the Democrats) get this one point right. So I will never ever vote for you again.

NEVER. FUCKING. AGAIN.

For what little it's worth, anyway, that's my FFOT comment.

Why the hell can't doctors come up with an anti-whine patch. I mean My God if I have to hear from a 60 year old man how much he is hurting because he broke his fucking hip, and how mean I am to make him get his lazy ass out of bed I will shove his walker up that lazy ass. I mean I know it hurts it BROKEN. But shit the 90 year old lady who weight all of 100 pounds nekkid and wet with a broken hip does not whine like that. What the fuck is wrong with you, I am not there to wait on you, mother you, or any of that other crap. I am there to teach you to walk, to get dressed again, so that you can go home to your mommys,I mean wife. Get a spine, backbone just the fuck let me do my job so I can replace you in that hospital bed with someone just like you. I mean shit I have been doing this work longer than you have had that broken hip. So quit the fucking whining, grow some balls, act you fucking age, and don't come back.

Amen from the choir.

What is with these assplows who cannot see that the common denominator in the fetid shit sandwich that is their life is THEM? Every single time it comes back to them. Every. Single. Time. Take this bitch away, that asshole away, those miscreant kids, that dick boss, my dad who beat my mom, my drunk mom, whatever - take them all away and who is left? That's right! The whining, irresponsible assplow.

In every human equation there is some variation, but there is a constant, too, and that constant is the stinking bag of dicks that makes the person that stares at them in mirror every morning. It's YOU, buddy. Start today, tabula rasa, and take some responsibility for the fact you are the reason for the Mongolian clusterfuck that is you. Grab your sac and a Y chromosome and be a man. Watch a John Wayne movie, maybe that will help. But do something. Now. Because it's not going to get better. And no one's going to do it for you.

And sure as shit no chicks are gonna want to throw you one. Except for the ones who hate women more than you do, you stinking bag of dicks. Grow up. Look in the mirror. YOU are the common denominator in all of your problems.

(I think we know the same guy.)

We love you too, Dollface. I'm bowing out of the FFOT this week just because of your post. Jeff's right, this is one for the history books and the year-end recap.

But I hope you keep that spam. It was amusing.

Oh darn. It's gone now.

Susanna,
That's the thing that pisses me off. Everyone, every goddamm human being on the planet, has factors in their life that they don't particularly like but cannot control. We all have unpleasant people that litter the landscape of our lives. There are ways to deal with this and still find happiness without taking it out on half of the world, most of whom don't deserve it.

FOAD with stickshift knobs to the bus driver who called a sheriff's deputy to get 13 preschoolers off his bus. (http://www.thedenverchannel.com/education/11420903/detail.html)

You suck, scumbag.

I don't think Lifetime has anything good to say about EITHER gender--if that's on the tv and my dad walks in the room, he says, "So what's going on in this movie? No, wait, let me guess: The MAN did it. Men are BAD." Other than Will & Grace re-runs I don't know what that channel's good for. (My 2 cents.)

Safeway can fuck off for 2 reasons: (1) they bought out the local family-owned stores and now all the things I like are disappearing from the shelves (Where's my beloved Marshmallow Fluff, dammit?), and (2) while I do like Safeway coffee, the only reason I can come up with for lying in bed awake for hours last night was the stupid pot of what the bag said was "decaf" coffee I made after dinner. I don't think so, you left coast dumbasses. Now I'm crabby and thanks a lot.

Lastly, to the jerk who stood there at the printer yesterday waiting for a print job when the printer was obviously out of paper, then WALKED AWAY saying, "Uh, that's for legal size paper; that's not my job," instead of either refilling the paper your damn self or offering to HELP ME while I put more paper in even though it wasn't my job, either--YOU JACKASS. You came to me a few weeks ago all whiny about how you've never had a hard time fitting in at an office before, and that you're a "man of peace" (whatever the fuck that means) and you can't figure out why some people don't like you, but you can't be bothered to lift a finger to help out your team, and you treat other people like your servants? You abuse every privilege we have even though you've been working here less than a year? You lie about the extended lunches and early departures on your timesheet to go play golf? THERE'S YOUR ANSWER, BONEHEAD! YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND I HOPE YOUR GOLF CLUBS MELT.

Ken,
I didn't even read the spam. But I did notice it didn't even have a link or anything. It just said something retarded with bad code attached. So, they're sinking that low these days. Spammers can fuck off.

Nulaane - good news about your mom, at least!

Kate,
What a creep!! I hope his golf clubs melt, too. In his ASSHOLE.

Ha! Thanks, Emily! He's a philanderer too so that would benefit the entire human race. :)

Emily,

Where you wished his golf clubs would melt makes me wonder if he's a reincarnation of Edward II. Not that I necessarily believe that story.

Though the guy sounds like he can't really afford to be any more full of shit, so maybe blocking his sphincter exit zone isn't such a grand idea?

That's it--I must be recoiling from the stench every time he opens his mouth!

Damn, Emily. And whoever was giving you that shit can FOAD. I, and others I'm sure, miss your other posts here(no offense Ken and Dave).

Thanks Emily, it is great news. Kate, I think Susanna is right it is one guy and he gets around. I have never understood people who are not willing to help out. I know that everyone has bad days, that should be over looked, but to be like that all the time. The dude needs more than a double shot of coffee, how about a chocolate laxitive pie?

Fuck off to students that do not do their homework, don't care if they're fucking failing, and wander around like they're lost or something. this is what I wanted to tell a group of students this morning (it is only first period, and they SHOULD BE WORKING ON A PROJECT but currently are just mumbling around):

I am tired of telling you all to come to class ON FUCKING TIME for fuck sake. The fucking time change was 3 FUCKING weeks ago, I got used to it, can't you FUCKING do so too??? There is a reason why you all are getting an F (IT SHOULD STAND FOR FUCKTARD, INSTEAD OF FAIL FOR ALL OF YOU). If you just come to class, do a meager amount of work, show that you have learned something, you can get a C. I can't take the FUCKING tests for you, nor do I FUCKING want to. OH AND BY THE WAY, DON'T FUCKING SMILE AT ME LIKE IT IS GOING TO GET YOU OFF OF MY FUCKING SHIT LIST YOU FUCKING WAISTS OF ABOUT $2.50 IN MINERALS.
---
FUCK OFF TO THE FUCKING IDIOTS THAT THINK ANYTHING ON MY DESK IS PUBLIC FUCKING PROPERTY. IF THE FUCKING IDIOTS THAT BUILT THIS FUCKING BUILDING ACTUALLY BUILT IT TO IT'S ORIGINAL FUCKING SPECS, THE HALLWAY BETWEEN CLASSES WOULD BE OUR DEPARTMENT'S FUCKING OFFICES SO THAT MY SHIT WOULD BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU FUCKING SHIT HEADED RETARDED THIEVES. YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FINGERS CUT OFF, BUT THEN WE'D ALL HAVE TO FUCKING GIVE YOU SPECIAL FUCKING TREATMENT SINCE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING HANDS LEFT...

Grand Moff,
Haha. You and ricki are going to get along just FINE.

I had a flip off, but I'm having a Friday of Silence for Emily. Being driven away from your own blog by pinheaded little dipwads is total and complete bovine effluent. You ever want to guest post at the Hive, Em, just say the word. All the email comes to me, and I'll fix THEM.

About the rest - I wish I could do something about it. I'll have to settle for not being a complete jagoff. Don't be a stranger.

Thanks, NF. I've dug my own little corner somewhere else (if anyone wants to know where, drop me a line and I'll tell you). It's got nothing to do with Ken or Dave, I love 'em both to tears. I just think a lot of people come here for the politics, which I don't really have much interest in writing about anymore - so they're stopping by to read Ken and Dave and have to tolerate the dumb airhead (somebody's actual words to me!) posts about "unimportant" stuff (um...dear assholes who think they're better than everyone else because they only blog about "important" stuff. You are writing on a fucking blog, which is, by its very damn definition, totally and completely UNIMPORTANT. Get over yourselves). Not to mention the stealth of it - writing me in an e-mail and not posting in the comments as everyone is free to do. That way, they don't have to bear the public wrath of my friends when they call me names and that kind of thing. No more. The next time I get some smug, nasty e-mail, the whole thing is winding up RIGHT HERE. Name, e-mail and IP. All of it.

I echo Nightfly. I had a FTFO waiting, but it pales beside yours. On behalf of all Penised-Americans, I apologize for the jerk-offs that spurred your anger.

To the assplowers (Susanna, you rock!) that treat women with condescension, malice or disdain, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You set the bar so low that the rest of us guys actually look good in comparison, even if we drop our undies on the floor or forget to call when we're running late. We may be slobs, but at least we're not... well... you.

Keep it up, guys! We'll be the ones who breed, and generation by generation, we'll weed you losers out.

"dumb airhead"? What a fucking asshole. Do you know what I do when I see a blog post I'm not particularly interested in? I don't read it and I don't comment on it. It's just that simple.

The next time I get some smug, nasty e-mail, the whole thing is winding up RIGHT HERE. Name, e-mail and IP. All of it.

I hope you follow through! (And if you'd e-mail me where you're writing, I'd be honored if I could read it. I enjoy you as much as anything political.)

Emily,
Publish their ip addresses EVERY time they spam you.
Turn them into their ISPs too. Be the squeakingest
(is that a word?) wheel to get their attention in
a highly unpleasant way.
I'm beginning to think massive class action suits
against spammers might be a way to ruin them before
they totally ruin the email service for everyone
else.

Bill,
You'd think it would be that easy. There are millions of blogs out there about every subject in the world. I'm not interested in most of them, but it would never occur to me to write someone and tell them they're dumb and their blog is a waste of time. If it's such a waste of time, then why are you reading it? It's it that bloody difficult to just dismiss something that you don't care about? And if you don't care, why are you taking the time to write? Those are my favorites - the people who take 1,000 words to write about how much they don't care about something. Oh, and apparently, I'm also a "high school drop-out" (?). That's grand, ain't it?

To all the fucking fucktard assplows who fucked Emily over like that: You piece of shit misogynist asspigs can kiss my ample white butt. You think ladies are nothing? You think we can't think? bring your pathetic fucking cheese-encrusted troll asses over to my place, and we'll see if you can fucking keep up.

Oh, and you can suck my metaphorical balls, too.

The limp-dicked jerkwaters who tried to put Emily out to pasture are mysteriously silent. How cute. Save your drama for your mamas and bring it. It IS about your mamas isn't it? Otherwise why pick on a woman with power? Oh... snap!

It infuriates me that pussies like you hide behind the veil of quasi-anonymity in the blogosphere. If your weenie butts were out tonight in a bar, I guarantee there'd be no more than half a guy just like you there to cover your ass. What does that equal? 1.5 wankers? Terrifying! 1.5 wankers armed with lo-carb beer and a 100 calorie bag of Wow Chips.

On Emily's side, there'd not only be a well-armed militia (complete with C&C licenses) should she need it, but some crazy exponent of fucking functional brain cells. Which is what scares you the most and the reason you harrass her. There's nothing a dickless wonder with a melon full of dessicated grey matter like you can do with a smart woman. Nothing.

In the immortal words of His Swayzeness, "Nobody puts Baby (insert: Emily) in the corner," bitches. Or, "It's my way or the highway." You choose. Both are equally pithy and apropos.

(Sorry about that last part Emily, I couldn't hep mysef!)

Emily,

All I can say is dont let those fuckpuddles get you down. The mere fact that youre you has got them beat hands down.

I, too, bow out of this week's FTFO in reverence to Emily's smashmouth ass kicking post.

Ill take on the mother fuckers that stole my fishing rods next week.

Joel, "assplow" belongs to Emily.

She threw it in the ring around St. Paddy's Day while grousing about what Safeway had done to her Guinness. (I think.) I asked if I could co-opt it and Ken said I could.

Oh, don't even get me started> on Slaveway. Just... don't.

High school dropout? The more I'm hearing, the more I'm thinking those morons don't even have enough brains to qualify as misogynists. All this is making me really angry.

And Joel--"Slaveway" sounds about right. I think it's only a matter of time before the Slaveway signs go up locally. And then all hope will be lost.

Thank you Emily, I hope that your day gets monumentally better. You know that you are appreciated.

Oh, and FUCK OFF to all of the photocopier people that don't know how to fix the photocopiers that you are supposed to.

Oh, and FUCK OFF to all of the photocopier people that don't know how to fix the photocopiers that you are supposed to.

Amen to that one, Your Grand-Moffhood! I had a quick-copy shop (think mini-Kinko's) for several years, and as I couldn't afford a technician, I learned how to do it myself. But I have to watch as my company brings in Mr. Thumbfingers on a service contract and pays him three times as much as I get to do the most piddly-ass repairs on the copiers.

Susanna,
To be fair to Safeway, the market that pulled the Guinness cans was Albertsons. I still haven't forgiven them, though I did stop short of making bomb threats like I originally wanted to. Bastards. It was the cans with the little draught ball thingie inside that made the beer all frothy and fit in a pint glass perfectly. Now all they carry is the regular stout. AND, to add insult to injury, they also recently pulled Boddington's from their shelves as well. It's almost like this conspiracy to force crap domestic beer on us. They've got 8 kinds of Coors and no Guinness in a can. They can fuck off in every direction.

To the traffic cop who came steaming up behind me with his sirens wailing as I drove to work this morning in the usual fashion (100mph,overtaking either side - if you don't like it then move the fuck over asshole, we've paid a fucking fortune for that tarmac and if you're not going to use it then I am), only to slot in right behind me, turn his sirens off and pull off down the exit, I hope you had a fine day and that you were only in a hurry for your tea break.

I, too, bow to Emily this week. And dammit, if you need me to hold someone down while you beat the living crap out of him, I'm here.

Or hell, point me in the right direction and I'll take out the ball-sucking asspipe myself.

Remember - I'm a goaltender. Really big hockey stick, lots of padding. Shalt commence to whupping post-haste!

Scurrilous scoundrels, thou darest harangue a lady? I say thee nay!

[/thorvoice]

To Congress, for passing a $400 billion tax increase. May the fleas of a thousand peace protesters infest their armpits.

To all of the turds who have shat upon Emily:

If we lined everyone up and had a "who has the most balls" contest (and I mean "balls" in the GOOD way, here), she'd beat you. Probably all of you put together. I gar-on-tee.

(That said: we got your back...I envision us as a version of Karma's Army from "My Name is Earl," rising up and putting a giant smackdown on anyone who dares try to intimidate you.)

I don't really have an FFO...maybe a mild flip off to people who NEED hearing aids, who HAVE hearing aids, but who CHOOSE not to wear said hearing aids to a meeting and then:

a. gripe that they can't hear what anyone is saying
b. start talking and keep talking and pretend that no one else is asking them to finish up so the meeting can move on.

Y'all, I used to talk about how I loved "old women" - how I loved their toughness and take-no-prisoners attitude (whereas I am to inclined to be sweet and accomodating and all that). But you know? I'm getting real tired of someone DOMINATING every meeting I'm at just because she knows if she doesn't wear her hearing aid, she can make all of the rest of us listen to her.

And I'd also flip off the people who feel the need to tailgate, and then ROAR past people (in a no passing zone, no less) during a massive downpour. Guys? I am not driving below the speed limit to piss you off. I am driving below the speed limit (by 5 mph, I would add) because I know at 65, in this weather, my car starts to hydroplane, but at 55 or 60, it does not.

I'm doing it to be SAFE, a-hole, not to prevent you from getting to the bar by 5 pm.

(I assume it's understood that the "you" in my second full paragraph is Emily, and not the turds who have tried to shit upon her, but I figured a clarification was good for safety's sake).

Ricki,
That reminds me of that episode of "Fawlty Towers" where an old deaf lady comes to stay at the hotel and drives Basil nuts.

"Do you by chance wear a hearing aid?"

"A what?"

"A HEARING AID?"

"Yes."

"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HAVE IT MENDED?"

Emily,

I've already written a letter to my future self saying: "Do you have a hearing aid? Well, then, wear the damn thing already! Remember that person who annoyed you with her 'I can't hear you?' back in 2006 and 2007? Don't be that person to other people."

My great aunt has thrown out at least 2 of her hearing aids "by accident"--and yet we all heard her freely admit she didn't like wearing them b/c of her ego. But how do you accuse someone who's been a nun for over 50 years of lying?

"...so they're stopping by to read Ken and Dave..."

Who, me? I don't post anything anymore, much to my own embarassment. Every time I say I will, it doesn't happen. Maybe I'll start again; who knows? Such is the life of prosecutorial exhaustion I've made for myself.

But whatever worthless waste of space drove Emily to post this can FOAD. As soon and as painfully as possible.

I'm fucking pissed some spineless cialisgorging limptard would write something to emily that way.

Wow, everyone, read this article. Seems the shitbirds are out in flocks.

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-internet31mar31,0,4064392.story?coll=la-home-business

I saw some of the stuff about Kathy Sierra elsewhere too, Susanna. That was outrageous. One kind of expects that kind of crap about political bloggers, but not about tech writers.

And this one went even beyond the usual stuff that can be just passed off as trolls. It was in Jeff Goldstein territory.

Thanks to this thread I gave Monday's email from Mr. Singh the appropriate treatment. Apparently he thinks I am a "stupid ho."

http://theblingblog.typepad.com/the_bling_blog/2007/04/apparently_i_am.html

Arse :(

Well, I still luv ya.