it comes in pints?

Governors who don't wear their seat belts can fuck off.

I keep telling you, Ken, Marketing is not Sales. Companies that lump those two together are asking for a world of hurt. Markeing consults with R&D, Sales is where you go when your facility for BS is far in excess of your abilities in any other human endeavor.

Marketers who give the rest of us a bad name can Fuck Off. And since I'm a customer of yours (indirectly) - specifically your Marketing Dept. can fuck off.

Yeah, John, I keep relearning that lesson.

To be fair, I don't really know just how conjoined our Marketing and Sales are, but I do know that sales are being made far too early in the game. This is fine for some customers who have worked with us on development and understand that they are receiving prototype material, but sales has gotten sloppy and is pushing earlier and earlier in the product life. For this product, our first sales order actually came in on the very day I shipped validation lots (beta versions for those of you in other fields). I suspect we are going to have a fairly lively post-mortem on this project.

I could say that the whole world and the past week can FO and just be concise.

But I like to rant.

Nancy "Neville Chamberlain" Pelosi can F off. I'm sure you all know why.

F off to the rap "artists" who say, "Oh, it's TOTALLY OKAY for me to refer to women as bitches and hos and to make racial cracks about my 'brothers' but it's not OK for a 60-something white guy to do it" No, it isn't. Don't try to say that it is. Either condemn Imus and then clean your own house, or don't say anything about him.

People who spread rumors because they're pissed off about something, and those rumors wind up screwing with the lives of fifteen other people who were not previously involved in the situation can eff off. Look, if you're pissed off, go punch something. Or buy some cheap dishes at the Goodwill and break them. Or go do target practice. Don't do stuff that's going to screw over innocent people just because you were screwed with.

People who can't get the concept of "four way stop" can eff off. You are NOT doing me a courtesy by waving me through ahead of you when you have the right of way: you are screwing up the progression for everybody else.

The post office can eff off with their constant "we're going to raise postage 2 cents this time" and never, ever raising it to a round number. Look, guys: just make it cost 50 cents to mail a letter and don't raise rates for the next ten years or so. Stop screwing with us.

Oh, and eff off too for chewing up an important piece of my mail, and then putting it in one of those sh*t-eating-grin "We screwed up and we're sorry!" envelopes. No, you're NOT sorry. You're just doing that to try to keep me from complaining.

All of the idiots (and even the people who are not idiots) who are running for president already: it is Too. Damn. Early. I don't want to hear it. I don't care. I will start caring around February of next year, thank you very much. And Eff Off to the media for sucking up to these people with "extended interviews" and all that. You're only encouraging them! I do NOT want to see an all-the-time election cycle, where we get done with one election just to see people start campaigning for the next.

And eff off to the students who piss and moan about my classes being "too hard." I have standards. You should be happy I do. I have students come back FROM GRAD SCHOOL and thank me for how well I've prepared them. I make myself abundantly available for help, I post notes online, I do everything I can to help you succeed.

If I didn't have standards and didn't expect a lot from you, I'd not be doing my job.

And you have no right to moan about a poor grade when you skip class all the time. Yes, I discuss things in class that aren't in the textbook. You KNOW that. I've TOLD everyone that. I don't make it some giant secret.

And all the cell-phone-addicts can eff off. Can I please go to the grocery store, the doctor's office, walk across campus without having to listen to some foo' shouting down his phone about how many beers he drank last night?

Plumbers who block me in in my own driveway can fuck off. Park where you're working, you extortionist, and keep the attitude behind the wad of tobacco you're chewing. Sorry as shit the neighbors can't figure out not to dump cooking grease down the drain, but I've got to get out of my driveway, you overpaid prick.

This throwaway society we live in can fuck off. How about building some quality, someone? Seriously, have we had DVD players a decade yet? Had to buy my fourth in nine years last night.

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton can fuck off. Seems like a couple of guys who flaunt the Reverend title could maybe live up to it and show a little forgiveness for what was a throwaway line on a show that seemed to be built on throwaway lines, especially considering their own histories with epithets in the media.

Jesse and Al: Fuck off, especially if I can't throw a fit the next time I hear a "white people walk like this" joke. Fuck off, get off my motherfucking teevee, and find another crutch to use as an attention getting device...somehow, the rest of us make it through the day without having to be on teevee and we sleep through the night just fine....

Ken, when the ex worked for HP, some marketing manager was told that a project would take 18 months. So that's what he told the customer.
Everyone was incredulous.
Didn't he know that you always double or triple the estimated lead time to a customer?!
Needless to say, the customer sued when it took more than 2 years.
Of course, the marketing geek wasn't there by then...

ricki - send your students here:

http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/nosymp.htm

FUCK OFF AND DIE to Pelosi and her flying monkeys. 'Nuff said there.

FUCK OFF to "professionals" who have all the imagination of an iridium ingot.....but think they are The Subject Matter Expert™ because they have all the regulations memorized. Or can hang their certification on the cubby wall. CAB DRIVERS are certified. HAIR DRESSERS are certified. What matters is HOW WELL THEY DO THEIR JOB. You do NOT know it all, and your egotism make the jobs of other people that much hard. FUCK OFF WITH KNOBS ON, YOU CHEESE COVERED ASSHAT.

FUCK OFF to gawkers. Yeah, the house burned down last night. Yeah, there's a fire truck there for clean up and to catch hot pockets. NO, YOU CAN'T PARK AT A STOP SIGN TO GAWK AT THE SIGHT. Pull over to the curb. And then FUCK THE FUCKITY FUCK OFF. In public. Fucking moron.

FUCK OFF to wasps. You flying pieces of cheese covered crap! I put those wasp traps out a month ago, and all I've gotten are TWO FLIES, and ONE WASP!!! Get with the program, AND GET INTO THOSE FUCKING TRAPS!!!!!! I like the environment as much as anyone, but I will not have gazillions of you stinging fuckers buzzing around my house, building your little love nests in every nook and cranny.

DIE, WASPS, DIE!!!!! FUCKING DIE!! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!

Thank you.

thanks, John. I've seen that before but I'm a wee bit chicken about posting it on my door or something lest someone take it the wrong way.

I do agree with the points, and most of my students (the non-whiny ones) do, but you get a few people with chips on their shoulders and they can make your life hell...

Ants can f off and die as well. Nasty little buggers. They're all over my kitchen now by virtue of the fact that it's warm out but there's not any food for them out there....look, buggers, just because you're hungry doesn't entitle you to go foraging in my kitchen. Not like you're gonna find anything; I'm on to you and everything's encased in plastic bags. So go away and die.

ricki - true, that's the sort of thing you post after you have tenure.

And the makers of wasp traps can FOAD. Three huge nests in the bushes last summer, not a single yellowjacket in the traps, even after I gave up on their "attractant" and used fruit soda. Plenty of black and yellow fuckers on the soda can, though.

Thanks for the reminder of that old trick, John.....fruit soda!

I'd like to add roaches to the list of bugs to fuck off. I don't like being surprised at 11 p.m. when I find one sitting on top of the kitchen trash. How are they getting into a can that has a lid??? And why aren't they all dead yet??? Haven't I done enough without spraying something that could poison the cat? I'm weary and it's giving me nightmares--no lie. Every night this week.

I know somebody says it just about every week here, but cancer can fuck off and die a thousand deaths. Parents should not be burying their 34 year old sons. Kindergarteners should not be burying their dads.

Whoever is responsible for redesigning my favorite work pants (they're so cheap and ill-fitting now) and discontinuing my bra (aaaugh!) can fuck off. Men may not understand the second one but it's a TRAGEDY.

My brain can fuck off (but don't die!) for buying into the whole Friday the 13th bad luck hoodoo and therefore making me screw up more than usual.

And that ad that uses the old "Teaberry Shuffle" music can FOAD because now I can't get it out of my head! (Stupid brain!)

My first Fuck Off this week goes to myopic bean-counters.

Wow, what a messed up backhanded F-O to Bingley. heh

Seriously though: Fuck off to bosses who say one thing but mean something completely different that is only defined at some point in the future when something they said comes back to bite them in the ass.

I will not take the fall for you, fucker. Man up and take your own hits. I don't have the same view of the bigger picture that you do. I don't get to sit on those meetings. I don't manage other departments. So if something is fucked up from your direction, it's because you didn't realize it contridicted something. Not because I didn't.

FOAD to the people who own the house we just put an offer on for sitting on it and sitting on it and driving me fucking batshit waiting to hear back from them. I KNOW FOR A FACT they met with their realtor yesterday afternoon. But is my phone ringing? Hell no. Not even a counteroffer. I just know this is going to fall through. Even though the market is sucking the big one right now, and they are moving out of state.

Arrrrrrrrgh. FOAD with a gallon of canned nacho cheese on the knobs.

Julie, you know what's extra-creepy about this Friday? The person whose funeral I attended yesterday would've turned 35 today. :(

Gosh, I'm sorry Kate.

Things that take people before their time can fuck the fuckity right off and, er, die.

Kate, I'm sorry for your loss. :-( And yes, that is very creepy!
My sister was supposed to have labor induced on a Friday the 13th, but she didn't want her son born on that day, so they did it the 12th. I thought that was strange, considering born-agains aren't supposed to be superstitious. Oh well, she's always been kinda "all foam, no beer" anyway.

The Post Office can Fuck Off, I mailed a package 3 weeks ago priority. IT still HAS NOT GOTTEN THERE. Sure I mean I sent it to New Jersey but that state really is not a black hole. AND guess what there is NOTHING they can do about it. It was tracked and was delivered. I hope that the ASSHOLE who stole the stuff that I sent to a friend who is ill and dieing get a rash. If it was a man I hope the rash makes something fall off, and if it was a woman I hope the rash makes even fake boobs deflate when she has them put in. Wow I feel better.

Now on to the good news. My squaters have moved out. I still have a ton of rearanging and cleaning to do but what the hell. I have my house back.

As for BUGS Scabies can fuck off and die. A patient came in with them. Now all of us are itching and itching even when we dont have them. I want to scrub myself with a brilo pad and bleach.

Thanks, Bingley--BTW I totally got your FO #1 there. Before work this morning I was listening to "The Delaware Valley's Newsradio Station" on the other side of the river here and all I heard was a lovely, graphic list of his injuries and surgeries, repeatedly, while it was merely "speculated" that he was not wearing a seatbelt. Sad to hear they confirmed it. If anything I thought "Fast Eddie" would have had an accident b/c not too long ago, they confirmed our state troopers were speeding outrageously to get him to appointments on time.

Julie, thank you, also. I wouldn't want your brain to FOAD, either--how would you type such hilarious things like "all foam, no beer"??? LOL I have to remember that one.

To Don Imus. You deserved the suspension for calling the basketball "hos," and you deserved to lose your show permanently for genuflecting to Al Sharpton.

To Imus' former employers, for not firing him for the right reasons.

To Al Sharpton's employers, for hiring a guy associated with false criminal accusations against the innocent.

To Al Sharpton, for being a racist pig.

To misogynous rappers, for being sexist pigs.

My apologies in advance to anyone who has recently lost a loved one or is watching someone slip away due to an illness.

My FO goes to my friend K’s mother Mrs. K, who I sometimes refer to as the Wicked Witch of east Honolulu. There are too many tales to go into detail on the FOFT but the short version is Mrs. K was recently diagnosed with congenital heart failure. She had been sitting on her illness for over a year until she couldn’t walk any more and called my friend to come over from WA to take her to the doctor (Mrs. K doesn’t drive). Since then she’s been hospitalized and was only discharged about a week ago. The woman is a paranoid mess. She’d call K at all hours of the day to complain about how the doctors and nurses were conspiring against her to make her OD and die or neglect her so that she would die so they could have her hospital room. She complains bitterly about the substandard care she is getting from my friend, now that she is back in her home. Every single thing K does for her is either wrong or crap. To add to all this K’s husband is angry because she is taking so long to come home (“The bills are starting to pile up you know.”) and her father just blew into town and expects her to chauffer him around because he was too cheap (he’s very well off) to rent a car. HER WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY CAN ALL FUCK OFF. Her mom can stop hiding from the home care nurses, concentrate on stabilizing her health, cut my friend some slack, and fuck off. Her dad can call a fucking cab and stop being such a spoiled fucking wanker. Her husband can get off his fucking ass and pay some of the fucking household bills himself instead of waiting like a fucking baby bird on a sidewalk for someone to come along and take care of that shit. WTF? Oh, and K’s brother can fuck off too for being so fucking selfish that he can’t even be bothered to help out with their fucking mom.

I guess a little FO goes to my friend K. I know firsthand how hard it is to care for a sick parent but come on! Grow a fucking pair and put your damn foot down. Watching your fucking worthless family run you over day after day is pissing me off (and I can’t do a damn thing about it).

Oh and ricki? I’m with you about those fucking cell phone users. I hate the ones who keep talking even when they’re in a restroom. Hello? Could you just take a crap by yourself and not talk in the ladies room? I don’t know about other people but if I’m talking to someone on the phone and they start grunting in between sentences because they’re trying to push out last night’s meatloaf then I say HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE.

Thanks everybody. Sorry for such a long post.

I'd like to throw a hardy fuck off to this tax season, which is almost over, but which sucked hard.

Fuck off to the IRS who gave us an extra day to file...which for me translates to an extra day to work 15 hours. This is not a gift.

Fuck off to the staff person who decided he was "too stressed" in mid-March and has not been seen or heard from since.

Fuck off the the administrative assistants who whine constantly about the two or three hours of overtime they are putting in each week...yes WEEK. Their burden is terrible, isn't it? Shut the fuck up, then fuck off!

I am seconding riye's FO because I'm a friend of hers and a friend of K's. I've too have done the care-for-a-parent-on-their-deathbed-thing. I'm not really a mean person, though I have my aspirations. But seriously, Mrs. K can really FOAD! And I stress the AD part. She's been vicious to her daughter all her life and is now absolutely poisonous. K put her life on hold to help her mother (who will not lift one fucking finger to care for herself) and her mother attacks her at EVERY FUCKING TURN. I'm fucking sick of feeling horrible for K. And I too am a little bit pissed off at K for sitting back and taking it and occasionally supporting her mother's batshit crazy conspiracy theories. And also Fuck Off to K's husband who is giving her shit long distance. Apparently with her gone he has no ability to feed or clothe himself. What the fuck? Your wife has her hands full right now, can't you fucking take care of yourself! You fucking whiney assed dickwad. If you can't help her than leave her the fuck alone. Fuck, this family. What the fuck is wrong with people? Jesus, would you want your kid's memories of you to be one long, unrelenting tirade of abuse?! Just Fuck.

And also fuck off to Clearsil. Why can't you work? Why the fuck do I have to get a zit every month at that special time while you sit there congealing on my face and doing nothing? Now there's a conspiracy for you, Mrs. K.

To the Trans-Am driver who cut me off -- in the rain! -- Fuck Off! You got me so angry, I couldn't decide whether to call you a chucklehead or a fuckhead, so I called you a fucklehead by mistake. I hate it when I do that!
You suck!

I'm sending this fuck-off to a low-life creepy slug TM. - you can SO FUCK OFF and FUCKING die!! What kind of fucked-up mother are you to allow your fucking registered sex-offender husband molest your own sons??? And then you and your own fucking bitch of a mother pony up the fucking $$$$ to hire an evil fucking attorney to keep your husband from being sent to prison again??? And then you fucking don't call your sons since we so rightly got custody??? And you tell their half-brother still at home that my husband is a fucking pervert who stole his brothers from you??? You fucking bitch. You fucking owe over $15000.00 in child support that you say you'll never fucking pay. Plus you turned the boys over with only the clothes on their backs and pictures of them with the fucking sex offender???? Guess fucking what? I burned those pictures. And your son pissed on them!!! And then you fucking contact the boys' school and try to get the principal to send you a year book and report cards??? Fuck you, bitch. The principal KNOWS what you really are...she's seen the court papers. You know, the ones where you admitted you were a fucking liar and a thief and a slut???? Guess what else, good thing the principal is a nun or else she would tell you to FUCK OFF too!!!
And FUCK you for making me use the fucking 'f' word more in this one fucking comment than I ever have in my whole life. Fuck you, T!! And fuck you G and L too for what you have done to those precious boys.

so I called you a fucklehead by mistake

I think we have our new vocabulary word for the week!

"...a well-deserved break, probably involving lots of alcohol and potential jail time..."

Funny, that's my life when I'm NOT on a break. ;-)

fucklehead

i love it!

What was that cartoon? Fuckleberry hound?

Awesome word. I'm breaking that out at the rink.

PS - thank you for omitting me from the list of Bugs that Shall Fuck Off.

Mrs. Who, welcome to the Friday Fuck-Off. It sounds like you've got the gist of it already. :)

That is truly a disgusting story. You hear all the time about fathers who pull shit like that, but mothers are just as capable of being worthless parents.

(I think she's legally entitled to the report cards and yearbooks, unless there's a restraining order or something. I only know that from four years ago, when my son's mother kidnapped him and passed her boyfriend off as his father when she registered him for school. After I found out where they were, I made a point of requesting school records at every school for a while, which resulted in her moving him to a different school each time. Fifth grade, and he's been in six schools so far. She couldn't stay hidden too long, because the boyfriend is my cousin and the family would have found out, but that's another story.)

I hope T's parental rights get revoked before she has the chance to screw up those kids worse. I trust you're taking good enough care of them to balance it out. You sound like the sort that disproves the pervading myth of the wicked stepmother.

Mrs. Who is my BlogSis and I love her.

And yes, the foul mouth does run in the family!

FUCK THE FUCK OFF TO THE FUCKING IDIOTS THAT THINK THAT I WILL PAY $10K OVER FULL FUCKING PRICE PLUS ALL CLOSING COSTS, PLUS DROP ALL (I REPEAT ALL) OF MY CONTINGENCIES FOR THE HOUSE THAT WE PUT THE OFFER ON. DON'T YOU REALIZE THE FUCKING MARKET ISN'T LIKE IT WAS 2 YEARS AGO. I AM NOT EVEN SORRY IF YOU DON'T SELL THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL. YOU ARE A TOTAL PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. I HOPE THAT YOU BURN IN HELL YOU TOTAL FUCKLEHEAD!

To Punxsutawney Phil, for accepting bribe money from Al Gore to predict an early Spring. It's the middle of April, and it's still winter in Texas, you enviroweenie-appeasing rodent!

Fucksatawney Fil!