it comes in pints?

Fuck off to drivers who cut others off JUST BECAUSE THEY HAD THE DECENCY AND COMMON COURTESY TO USE A TURN SIGNAL.

I don't know if this is an L.A. thing or what, but I fucking hate those drivers on opposite lanes on the freeway that are keeping a steady pace, but speed up the second you signal that you want to change in to their lane. Like it will violate their dignity if you get in front of them or something. Jag-offs.

Emily - it is not an LA thing. I find I-95 between Boston and NYC to be an even worse driving experience than the CA freeways. If someone is poking in the fast lane on I-95 there are only 2 lanes, so there is no way to pass the asshole. Massholes, Swamp Yankees, Nutmeg-for-brains, NYC and NJ drivers can all fuck off with knobs and cheese.

Licenses no longer come as prizez in Cracker Jack boxes, fuckwits. Re-read your drivers ed manuals and STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE LEFT HAND LANE IF YOU ARE NOT EXCEEDING THE SPEED LIMIT BY AT LEAST 5 MPH!

In Houston, it's every driver for him or her self. The rules seem to be:
Never use turn signals (unless, as previously stated, it was on when you bought the car.)
Slow drivers (usually born-agains or those who have control issues) drive in the fast lane.
Semis and F-150s hauling landscaping equipment drive in the middle two lanes.
Fast drivers (moi) zoom around them in the "slow" lanes, until you reach a busy on-ramp at which point you zoom in front of the trucks to avoid the slowly merging on-ramp traffic. This maneuver has the added benefit of getting your heartrate up to that critical rate, so you don't need to do aerobics.
Oh, and never ever flip off another driver, or highly likely you'll die of lead poisoning, if you get my drift.

Now, don't you feel better about the 405, Emily? :-)

Julie,
I'm afraid it's going to take a lot more than that to make me feel better about the 405. We're talking angels descending from the heavens and other stuff of a Biblical nature for that to happen.

This particular one was last night. I had just gotten on the freeway on a stretch which hadn't yet clogged up. I was coming up rapidly on a slow ass twit in front of me and was waiting patiently to be passed on the left so I could change lanes. I put on the turn signal so I could get in the space behind him then then little fuck behind me jumped in (WITHOUT A SIGNAL) and cut me off. I had to brake to keep from hitting the slow ass twit and so was kept from changing lanes for another half dozen cars before someone FINALLY RECOGNIZED WHY I HAD THE FUCKING TURN SIGNAL ON.

Emily, it really sucks to have to deal with that. I don't think there's an apartment parking lot in the world that was meant to accommodate those big fugly things. (And they coulda been spending the money on nicer digs by now, right?)

I won't mention the name b/c it might invite trolls but the certain death row prisoner/getting a fair trial thing that started up here in Philly can fuck off. It's been going on practically my entire lifetime and the more it goes on the more damning the evidence sounds. And it makes me angry the victim's widow still has to deal with this jerk.

I'm almost at the point of saying my ex-boyfriend can fuck off. . . two years later, I'm finding out he told some of his friends that I ended the relationship. Um, I may have asked the big question that brought on the serious discussions, but I believe the one who says, "I'm giving you your freedom" would be the official "ender." BTW the person I found this info out from said she thinks he'll always have cold feet when it comes to marriage (of course right now who could blame him when the current gf looks like a man), so. . . instead of saying fuck off I'll say good luck living with the choices you made for the rest of your life. I feel sorry for you.

FUCK!

To the abcess-brained, stuporific piece of self-unduced stupidity who left their used hypodermic needle on the sidewalk where I take my son for walks:

Fuck you with a rusty crowbar, you unthinking, uncaring piece of shit. You're goddamned lucky... no, we're ALL motherfucking goddamned lucky that I found your detritus before my son or some other innocent person stepped on the shit. Look, idf you want to pump poison into your veins until your teeth rot out and your brain fucking melts, be my best. But you threatened my kid with your diseases and your filth and the biological byproducts of your absolute worthlessness when you stopped thinking about the fact that there are OTHER FUCKING INHABITANTS OF THE GODDAMNED UNIVERSE, YOU OBLIVIOUS METHWHORE! IF I ever catch you doing that again, I will pummel your sorry, tweaking excuse for an ass to within an inch of your twitchy, rambling, incoherent, and unaware life!

Oh, and a non-fuck you Thousand Thanks to the firefighter at the local station who helped me dispose of your shit properly.

FOAD to people who just don't know how to get along in society.
Just this week in the local news, there has been stories about people who:
-cruise the WalMart parking lot looking for single women going to their cars. They beat the crap out of the victim, spray mace in her face, steal her purse, and by the time the victim calls the credit card company, thousands of dollars have been billed.
-follow elderly victims home from a supermarket, and while the victim is distracted bringing in the groceries, they beat them up and steal whatever they can.
-microwave a baby.
-crawl in through a window and get in a child's bed.
-attack a man on a bike, rob him, and shoot him in the eye with a BB.

WTF is wrong with people? I feel like Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" Stop doing this shit. Try reading the Golden Rule. Buy a punching bag. Take anger management classes. Whatever. Just stop fucking up my world!

Whiny ball hockey players can fuck off.

Look, guy - you're what, 40? 42? You do this for recreation, not for a call to the NHL. It's BALL HOCKEY and we're all on FOOT. This is exercise for your body, not your ego. So, why do you expect every ref in the league to be of professional caliber? Dude, we are going to miss a few. Not surprisingly, outstanding refs would rather make $65,000 a year in a professional league with great hockey, rather than $20 a game herding ungrateful, no-skill hacks.

Think about it: I don't bitch to you when you turn it over in your end, or miss an open net or a great pass. I don't tell you that you suck when you're offside. It would be nice not to be cursed out if I wave off an icing call.

It would be even better if you owned the fuck up when you fuck up. You lost your stick, the play is in your end - you have a few choices:

1- keep your position, stay between your man and the goalie. You should ALREADY be doing this.
2- GO GET YOUR FUCKING STICK and keep TWO HANDS ON IT this time.
3- Bear-hug the opponent and yank him away from the goalie.

Even if you DID lose your stick on a slash (because you were waving it around like a fucking drum majorette instead of playing hockey), which of those three options do you think is correct? If you said THREE, then congratulations - you are a FUCKING MORON and your reward is TWO MINUTES in the box. It is NO GOOD whining to me like a puppy who's soiled the carpet - I didn't fuck up, you did. But you NEVER do ANYTHING unprovoked on a hockey rink, right, fucktard? And gee, the other ref had HIS arm up too, but I'm the one you try to get fired. Own the fuck up to your suckitude, admit you tackled a dude in BROAD FUCKING VIEW, and take your wrinkly-assed, Team Geritol skills to the box - spend the two minutes wisely, and pull your head out from your ass, and replace it with your Gretzky's-gift-to-hockey, it's everyone else's fault attitude. Just go the fuck ahead and cram it nice and deep. Then when you come back, fucking play hockey with something other than your Rosie-sized mouth and intellect, neither of which will do you any fucking favors.

Hahaha. That one's going into the end of the year file, NF.

"Team Geritol skills." Awesome.

Did y'all see that report that came out this week where it said Miami had the rudest drivers?

Heheheheh, Val strikes again!

While the venom has not yet abated for the cocksuckers we are buying the house from, I just don't have the energy for more than a FTFO with knobs in their general direction.

However, they are my inspiration for tonight's performance of "The Witches' Chorus" from Verdi's MacBeth, and you know, cursing them to the bottom of the ocean ain't half bad.

Hoo boy! Brian, I feel like I need a cigarette after that one. And I don't even smoke anymore.

"With a rusty crowbar...?"

Fuck oral surgery and soft foods. And Loritab, too. I took ONE last night and I'm still looped.

Fuck my laptop and its kernel panic messages. Fuck it with a hot, steaming logic board. I DON'T WANT TO REPLACE YOU YET, you piece of Steve Jobs CRAP. I can't AFFORD to replace you.

Fuck.

Heh! I don't have a FO worthy for today's thread. Like Joel, I feel like I need a cigarette. And I have *NEVER* smoked.......

Joel--the worst part is, Brian's FO takes me back to walking down the street in the neighborhood where my best friend in grade school lived, close to the park. Used condoms more often than used needles, but still, awful. That was 18 or 19 years ago, so I second his FO. Kids shouldn't have to play around that kind of stuff.

Oh, and this might make a lot of people angry, but Bon Jovi can fuck off. I had to scramble to get "It's My Life" off my car radio during lunch. Thank God somebody was playing Queen.

A whopping big effoff to the local hospital, which is essentially forcing me into a c-section needlessly, by giving me only one other alternative: deliver in a hospital two hours away, and hope you don't give birth on the highway.

And another one for the lines they slipped into my medical records after the last c-section: "she understood the risks of the surgery including but not limited to bleeding, infection, and damaging... She had signed appropriate consents," and "She tolerated the procedure well. There were no complications."

Jeebus, Christina...that line from the medical records sounds like someone talking about an inanimate object and not a bleeping person!

Christina, that's ridiculous--is that like they're passing you off onto another hospital so they have no liability (which is a false idea anyway)? So much for putting patients first.

That really stinks, Christina. Of course they have to talk that way: totally clinical and professional and sterile, the better to cover their fundament should the patient experience the side effect known as "Suing Everyone Within Three Counties."

(I don't mean to alarm you, but I was born in the car on the way to the hospital - and look how I turned out. =D )

Emily - that's sweet, thanks. That one has been a few seasons in the making.

Brian - at one of the local tournaments we play often, the rink is in a park next to the county lockup, which is a few centuries old and looks exactly like a medeival castle. It's not a Nice Place. The park always fills up with detrius from the bums and juiceheads - empty bottles in paper bags, butts everywhere, but luckily nothing quite like what you saw. Hope they have to clean that up when they get fitted for their orange jumpers.

Ha, ha, Nightfly--I was born at home (not on purpose) and my younger sister was almost born in the hospital parking lot! Haven't these hospitals learned anything by now???

Christina, that SUCKS. I wish you had a better alternative.

It's the only hospital in town, and the biggest for an hour and a half any direction. They're not set up to handle anything out of the ordinary. The nearest one that would let her NOT have a C-section is in Spokane, a hundred miles of empty freeway away.

And her last C-section (an emergency one) was such a bad experience that she's not in any hurry to do it again. I don't blame her; the recovery was awful. Even worse than the 33-hour labor with the one before.

C-sections, C-section recovery, and complicated childbirths can fuck right off. Brian, may we borrow your crowbar for the purpose?

Woah there. A scalpel is bad enough. Let's pass on the rusty crowbar!

Fuck off to assholes who drive around with the goddam stereo so loud it drowns us out inside the house with the windows and doors closed. And double fuck off to this one for stopping outside and staying there with the fucking stereo going for five fucking minutes.

There's something missing here... Did Val have another relative graduate? Or something else that made him intolerably happy this week too?

This is UNACCEPTABLE, people! Brian and Nightfly are very commendable (and your FOs were admirably done, fellas, my hat's off to you) but it's just not the same.

Will somebody in the neighborhood please drop by Val's place and piss him off?

Val, Susanna, Alli, Riye. . . I miss their scathing FO's, Ken! Can we send them a postcard or something?

And as for the car stereos--my church is really close to the street and my pastor has more than once mentioned his disdain for the thumping bass that invariably shows up during Mass. He doesn't get outright angry but the way he alludes to it subtly there's no mistaking it.

Huh. Is there a way to do an ecumenically acceptable FO? I know some religious folks so I'd be interested.

Kate, my old church building had a sound system that inexplicably picked up a tejano station during Mass. Which actually was more interesting than the homily.

I'm thinking what the good father needs to say is something like "Let all flesh that won't keep silence find out how mortal it is."

LOL, Joel! A few years ago I was at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Allentown and apparently they rented our their basement to a wedding reception for a Latino couple, so during Mass upstairs there was a festive undercurrent going. I also recall that one member of our group on this trip was trying to chat up the bridesmaids. Sheesh.