it comes in pints?

Senior executives who issue broad directives that result in frantic, unbudgeted activity, forcing last minute reprogramming activities, all for the convenience of higher headquarters (and very little material value), can fuck off and die.

With cheese.

F-off to the f-ing chickenshit motherfucker and his two cronies that honked for a whole 1/8 of a mile because they didn't want me to ride my bike on a city street in front of them. Little did they probably know that their blasting rap music coming out of all the windows in the car was just "a little too loud" and quite illegal. DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT IT IS KIND OF HARD TO GO OVER 20 MPH ON A BIKE GOING UPHILL? MAY THEY ALL EAT A FESTERING CHOAD ENCRUSTED WITH SLIMY PENIS CHEESE! You are very, very lucky that you didn't park anywhere near my house, as you would have come back out to a car with at least two flat tires...

FUCK OFF TO MY STUDENTS THAT THINK THAT SINCE I AM NOT AT SCHOOL, THAT IT IS OK FOR THEM ALL TO TAG ON MY BACK COUNTER. LITTLE CHIKA, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THE WORST CHILDREN IN MY CLASS, AND JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO PUT YOUR LITTLE LATINA, GANGSTA NAME ALL OVER STUFF ON CAMPUS DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU ACTUALLY OWN IT OR ARE GOOD AT ANYTHING BUT MAYBE WRITING A LITTLE DITTY IN SPANGLISH.

Oh, and a huge fuck off to all auto-immune diseases

I think that I have it all out so far...

The screwed-up stuff going on at my apartment lately can fuck off. This includes, but is not limited to, the guy who keeps messing with the alarm on his big fugly green truck--how many times do you have to chirp that damn thing and why is it always going off?--the stupid management who refuse to replace the gutter over my apt. even though I continue to get water in the kitchen window every time it rains, the assholes who keep chucking their litter in the mulch beds outside the entrances b/c they can't be bothered to walk a few feet to the dumpster or take their trash inside and dispose of it, and finally, the gigantic buttmuch who dumped a nasty old sofa in the parking lot next to the dumpster. That's never gonna get taken away, you lazy ass. It's blocking the recycling bins and it just plain LOOKS HORRIBLE. I know it's not my fault but I am too embarrassed to have people over, and I can't move at least until I finish grad school and change jobs. Sigh.

To the dumbass woman who proceeded to hold three lanes of traffic for not one but TWO light changes as she attempted to make a left turn at that busy intersection from the extreme right lane, thus literally crossing three fucking lanes of traffic, FUCK THE FUCK OFF. Youre not the only fucking driver out on the street and your inability to grasp the concept of lanes, street names and traffic lights is what will probably be cause for someone to beat you silly with road rage here in this fabulous city we call Miami. DO US ALL A FAVOR AND TAKE A FUCKING BUS NEXT TIME, YOU FUCKING DIMWIT DUMBASS "DRIVER."

One Mr. Victor Valens, a "cuban-american" that owns a "cuban" restaurant in Michigan where artwork and photographs in praise of fidel castro and che guevara are proudly displayed, and who emails me on a daily basis just to let me know how much he loves fidel castro and the revolution, while living here in the evil capitalist imperialist US, and criticizing the US government and the very same Americans that visit his restaurant, making tons of money here and traveling to cuba every three months to take said money back to his family and fidel castro, without even an incling of the sheer hypocrisy he displays for all the world to see: FUCK THE FUCK OFF AND FUCKING DIE YOU VICARIOUS COMMUNIST MOTHER FUCKING HYPOCRITE SON OF A BITCH MOTHER FUCKING USEFUL FUCKING IDIOT JACKBOOT FUCKING DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A FUCKING HUMAN BEING MOTHER FUCKER. ONE DAY, I HOPE ALL THOSE FUCKING CUBANS THAT YOUVE FUCKED, WHOSE BACKS YOUVE TRAMPLED TO GET YOUR WAY, WHO LIVE LIKE FUCKING SLAVES BECAUSE OF REVOLUTIONARIES LIKE FUCKING YOU, ONE DAY I HOPE THOSE FUCKERS SEEK YOU OUT AND COMPLETELY BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU ARE A BLOODY LITTLE FUCKING PULP, ONLY AFTER HAVING MADE YOU THEIR FUCKING SLAVE BITCH AND MAKING YOU FUCKING LIVE LIKE YOU AND YOUR FUCKING ILK HAVE MADE THEM LIVE FOR FIVE FUCKING DECADES, YOU MOTHER FUCKING MOTHERLESS MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD MOTHER FUCKER.

I think I scorched my own eyes with that last one.

I had one (ALSO fat) in Santa Cruz who, when I said I had no spare change, actually said "get a job".

So that's my FO today - arrogant bums who think you owe them something. FUCK OFF. Especially, Fuck off to the one that told me to get a job, and Fuck off to Ratchetmouth (Julie might remember her). Ratchetmouth would gibber and jaw all day long, usually right outside the downtown BofA, while cadging money from everyone that walked by.

Back in our poor years, right after college, the Sainted Bride and I only rarely got to go out to eat, it being expensive and all. One Sunday we went to the Old Theater Cafe, an expensive little place on the mall, for brunch. Ratchetmouth was in there.

Fuck off to bums who eat at expensive restaurants that working people can't afford.

Ken,
Once when I was up in Humboldt (where the spare changers could have started their own army, there were so many of them), I was walking down the street with a bag of groceries and some guy stopped me asking for money. When I said I didn't have any, he looked at my bag of groceries and shook his head.

ASSHOLE. I worked TWO jobs to pay my way through school so I could be a productive, educated member of society, not a bloodsucking leech who expected the world to keep me fed. FUCK YOU. You asked if I had any SPARE change. NO. I am fucking POOR. I cannot spare a damn thing. Just because I have a place to live and am going to school and can barely afford to buy food does not mean I am obligated to go without so that you can take my money that you EXPECT ME to fork over to you so that you can buy a 40 ounce bottle of St. Ides and get tanked sitting under the footbridge, which is just about the only thing you can remotely describe as an achievement of any kind. And fuck you people who are otherwise able-bodied who are sucking off of charities meant to help people that are really poor, truly helpless. Them, I'll help. The rest of you? You made a fucking choice. Live with the consequences.

Val, my gracious. I sink in awe. You may have tripped the sprinkler systems in my building.

A sod off to the lackwit judge in DC who's suing those poor dry cleaners for $54 million over a ruined pair of pants. During this dog and pony show, he's been using the imperial "we" (prompting the presiding judge to say, 'You are not a "we." You are an "I."'), crying about the pants offered to him as a substitute, and called witnesses to defame the store owners. One witness actually said that when the owners shooed her from the premises, she knew how the Jews felt under Hitler.

The witness can fuckitty fuck-the-fuck OFF for that heartless, miserable, self-important, perjurous bit of emo theater drama. Who the funk do you think you are? They're PANTS. And it wasn't even YOUR pants that were ruined - all they did was chase you away, probably because they realized what a fucktarded, snot-snacking, soul-sucking, vinegar-brained, moral void you are.

As for Judge Asshat - "Satisfaction Guaranteed" is a slogan, and you damned well know it. They offered you new pants, offered you free service, even offered a settlement - you don't get to sue them for not satisfying you when you utterly refuse to be satisfied. I hope the cleaners win, get attorney fees and costs, are awarded damages, and that you are disbarred for the disgrace you've brought on your profession and your attempt to use the law as a tool of personal vengeance. Even a psychotic degenerate junkie with no conscience would have the balls to walk into a place and start shooting. Congrats on behaving with less honor than a gang-banging hoodlum with a fourth-grade education and five kids by four girls. I hope your current pair of pants catches fire right at the crotch and spreads outward, slowly, in front of the entire courtroom, and is extinguished by the bailiff smothering it with a blanket and then stomping out the flames.

Oh, and to Val's dimwit driver, I give this little piece of advice: Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Mike Nifong can fuck off. He's putting on his "defense" today. As if completely sacrificing the lives of INNOCENT boys on the altar of political expediency even HAS a defense.

Fucking bastard. I hope he dies of worms.

(Oh, and Val, I love rum and Coke, but never knew it was called a Cuba Libre. So I tip them to you now.)

"Penis cheese" -- hahahahahahahahaha!

People who flaunt their empty bike carriers. Yes, in theory you drive 50 miles each way to enjoy the most pristine and bitching trails around. In practice, it's just a status symbol to tell all the other drivers that you're bike people who love nature and the environment and that this car thing is just a nuisance, but what can you do. Oh, and when you do ride in town, I don't care how tight your fucking bike shorts are. You're not a fucking car. If there's a shoulder, use it.

I think my brows were singed after GMT's and then Val came along and finished them off.

Speaking of Che (ugh!)--didn't I recently see a photo of Prince Harry with a Che t-shirt? Isn't that incredibly inappropriate considering the line of work his family's in? Hey, kid, grow up and fuck off.

Nightfly,
What the fuck? What's THAT about? How in the HELL can someone file a $54 million dollar lawsuit over a pair of pants?

Oh, Emily, it's even worse than what Nightfly put in the comment. The family that owns the cleaner had already found the pants (I hear, not certain) and already offered as much as $12k to settle.

There is not fucking excuse in the world for this piece of shit to remain on the bench or even keep his law license. I want the motherfucker DISBARRED and forced to pay ALL THE FUCKING COURT COSTS. Also, I want that dumbass judge sitting on the trial thrown off the bench for allowing this stupid case to get this far.

Although 'Fly's crotchfire scenario has a certain appeal.

Ken,
No kidding about the judge who let the case into his court. A friend of my parents had some tennant of hers file some absurd lawsuit and within the first hour of the first day of the case, the judge just glared at the plaintiff's attorney and told him to get that shit OUT of his court immediately. We need more judges like that.

And Kate - if Prince Harry really did wear a Che shirt, he probably got a big ol' can o' Windsor whup-ass unleashed on him by Grandmum. They're supposed to be apolitical.

That's what I suspected, Emily.

And yeah, Ken--I've wanted that loser disbarred from the minute I heard about the lawsuit. Those are the people who make lawyers look bad.

This is a good primer on Pantsgate, Emily. And, thanks to my stumblefingers, you'll notice that it's 65 million dollars, not 54. Eleven million more reasons to fuck off, as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe he should represent all those panhandlers and we can combine our fuck-offs into an unstoppable fighting force! Launch every Zig for great justice!

Unbelievable, NF. To do something like that is just awful. This guy isn't just a rotten judge, he's a rotten human being.

FTFO to the cheap fuckers who sold us our house and left us $$ for cosmetic repairs rather than fixing the fucking problem. See, to fix it would cost 10 FUCKING TIMES more than what their dude said. Eat shit and die. Slowly and Painfully with knobs. Backwards.

Lisa,

We cubans call rum and cokes, aka Cuba Libres, "mentiritas". Little lies.

kate, you did, in fact, see the future King of England wearing a che guevara tshirt. This was, I believe, after the Nazi uniform costume "mishap."

that said, the future King of England can FUCK THE FUCK OFF WITH PENIS CHEESE KNOBS ON AND THE ROYAL SCEPTRE HOUSED TIGHTLY UP THE ROYAL ASS.

You're confusing Harry with William in your fuck off rage, Val. Harry ain't ever gonna be King unless his big brother dies or abdicates. That's why they call 'em "the heir and the spare."

But he can still fuck off anyway.

Fly, I think the amount on the suit changed, no idea why. I had been hearing $65M but the last few times on radio I've heard $54M.

It's been said before, but I'll say it again:

Cancer can TOTALLY fuck off.

Especially ovarian cancer, today. I just got back from the funeral of a woman who spent five years, a good part of it in agonizing pain and going through expensive and sometimes humiliating medical treatments, to try to beat it.

That said, I do have some less portentious eff-offs.

Drivers who turn their turn signal on at a crossroads, then turn it off a SECOND before they pull STRAIGHT through the intersection can sod off. You may enjoy doing "head fakes" on people, but doing a head fake while driving is very likely to get you killed.

The media and its love of scare stories can eff off. I DON'T need to hear each day what new food can kill me, or what new food I must add to my diet IMMEDIATELY lest I die from missing some essential nutrient found only in that food. And the anti-obesity stories where they use stock footage of a bunch of fat TORSOS walking around - no view of heads, feet, anything else, can eff off. If I ever catch a newsguy filming MY fat torso with the thought of inserting it into one of those "OMG WTF WHY ARE AMERICANS SO FAT?!?!?!?" stories he is going to find himself needing a laparascope to extract his camera from where I am going to put it.

And they can eff off for their tendency to run hours and hours of speculation-filled coverage when a pretty white teenage chick goes missing, but give a bare mention to the story when it's a boy or a minority kid.

People who put obnoxious ringtones on their cellphones, and then FORGET to turn off those cellphones (oh, say, in a FUNERAL) making everyone around them have to listen to the rap song du jour, can eff off with a series of little beeps going off in their ears every .5 seconds.

Ricki,
I'm so sorry for your loss and second your fuck off to cancer (again).

Anyway, I kind of feel like an asshole for this after you posted about somebody dying, but to the airheaded fartknocker at the deli around the corner from my office: FUCK OFF. Look, I know I've complained about hyper-picky diners who simply MUST have their extra-super-special-important dietary needs down to the number of flakes of pepper JUST SO, but the reason why I ask for my dressing on the side is because when I order a salad, I want to actually eat a salad, not a bowl of ranch soup with some chunks of lettuce floating in it. How many times does it take for you to get it right? What part of "on the side" confuses you? Please let me know and I'll be happy to explain.

Emily, I second your salad FO... I like to taste the salad too, not just the dressing.

Also F-off to the seniors that think since they are graduating, they have total right to wander anywhere and everywhere on campus that they want. Don't they fucking know that once you get your clearance forms and cap/gown, you are SUPPOSED to leave school early. I guess that it takes 3.999 years for you to finally learn to come to school, but only when we finally don't want to see you here.

No problem at all, Emily.

And yeah - I HATE it when a restaurant upends like a whole bottle of dressing into a salad. That's even worse than the restaurants who just sort of wave the (closed) bottle over the top of the salad and serve you a mess of dry lettuce.

I also hate Italian dressing. It's always more spicy or more vinegary than I expect, and it makes me cough. Italian salad dressing, for me at least, can eff off.

No way, THOUSAND ISLAND can fuck off! What is it? Tartar sauce mixed with ketchup? Blech.

Raspberry vinagerette can fuck off. That shit tastes like rotten death.

And Kathy Hilton can fuck off with knobs on after being drowned in a vat of velvetta. She doesn't even deserve to fuck off with real cheese. Lady, stop defending your daughter by saying stupid shit about how you think it's totally unfair that people are saying poor widdle Pawis is in jail because of a DUI because she's really in jail for driving with a suspended license - A LICENSE THAT WAS FUCKING SUSPENDED BECAUSE SHE WAS DRIVING DRUNK. I don't care if the formal charge was wreckless driving because she WAS STILL FUCKING DRIVING DRUNK. And the reason why she went to jail is because she thought she was special and important and above the law. She wasn't busted driving on a suspended license trying to get a person near death to a hospital. She was caught driving because she wanted A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER AND I GUESS WHEN PAWIS WANTS SOMETHING, PAWIS GETS IT IMMEDIATELY. Well, fuck off, Pawis. Good luck getting In & Out to deliver to your cell.

And Kathy? Um, you dumb idiot, jail is not "just like in the movies." It's worse. It's real. IT'S FUCKING JAIL. It's one thing to stand by your children when they make mistakes. You're supposed to help them LEARN from them, not FUCKING DEFEND THEM. At this point, I don't even CARE when I read that Pawis' sentence was more severe than other people committing the same offense. I think she deserves the extra time just for putting the entire country through all of this bullshit while this dumb, spoiled, stupid fucking BRAT throws a temper tantrum after she's been held accountable for her actions. The nerve of the justice system for not letting her do whatever the hell she wants without consequence. And then her FUCKING MOTHER cries about how unfair it is that her kid can't drive around sauced up and turn her vehicle into a DEATH MACHINE THAT CAN KILL PEOPLE without being punished for it.

No wonder your daughter is such a worthless, self-absorbed WHORE. I don't even feel bad that the level of schadenfreude I am experiencing over this is so black-hearted and disgusting that I printed out that picture of Pawis crying her eyes out in the back of that squad car and hung it above my desk. Seriously, when you make people who generally do their best to be level-headed and rational over things like this totally fucking GLAD that you got more than you deserved, you are one fucked up individual.

Not just Paris, will EVERYBODY named Hilton please just go the fuck away. You people are DISGUSTING. It used to be that people who came from privilege felt obligated to recognize how lucky they were by behaving with dignity and good manners. They felt an extreme civic duty to become productive and give back to their communities. If you can't take a fucking lesson from people like that, shut the fuck up. Get off my TV. Get out of the regular press (this shit is fine for gossip rags. I don't give a flying fuck what they write because I don't read them, but I swear to Xenu, if I see one more headline at CNN that reads something like "Paris Hilton Eats Oatmeal For Breakfast," I am personally flying to Atlanta to commit extreme acts of vandalism on their headquarters).

I can only second that entire fuck-off, Emily.

I am utterly and totally gobsmacked that her dad is apparently shopping around for a venue to host Paris' "get out of jail" party.

That is so wrong on so many levels that I can't even accept that it's actually true.

I really, really wish he'd throw the damn thing and not have a single person other than him, his wife, and his utterly clueless and self-entitled daughter show up....but I don't think that kind of delicious irony actually exists in the real world.

(Or maybe we'll get lucky and aliens will invade and kidnap all of them during the party, and take them to a planet many light-years away.)

Ricki,
I've been generally holding back on this (other than taking the piss in a mock prison diary over at my other site), because these people don't deserve this kind of attention, even if most of the response has been negative. But my goodness, I just couldn't hold back anymore. And that dad? Throwing her a party? I don't want to just puke my guts out, I want to puke my guts out ALL OVER HIS FUCKING HEAD.

You know what? For all of the hard times I went through with my parents, they still did actually teach me things like responsibility and social awareness and civic duty. But Kathy, my darling? My birth mother was a drunk who BEAT ME and I'm glad that I got her over a douche-sucking pamperskank like YOU.

Another thing that's just sad more than anything else? I'm assuming Poor Widdle Pawis only gets a very limited amount of phone time while in jail. So, who does she call? Her family? Her friends? Maybe a spiritual leader or something, since she's claiming that this is all God teaching her a lesson or what not? No. She calls BARBARA FUCKING WALTERS.

The attention whoredom isn't even the worst part. It's that, in the end, when Pawis needed comfort, she found it by throwing herself in front of the media. Again. At least before, it was only mildly annoying, since she was just a talentless, do-nothing, spoiled airhead. Now she's a fucking CRIMINAL and she still doesn't have the integrity to spare everyone her vapid, idiotic, pointless, empty existence.

Sad.

(I feel so much better now. Phew!)

***applause for Emily***

One last one, if I may?

A huge, blazing, slimy, ass-tastic eff off to the person who used up ALL THE PAPER in the printer in my department printing COUPONS for freaking LINENS-AND-THINGS! And who didn't bother to refill and who, I am sure, noticed that there was NO PAPER LEFT in the printer room but couldn't possibly be arsed to go to the storeroom and replace what they used up! (Oh, and nice use of paper there - you printed about five of every coupon and took one. You know you're supposed to WAIT for the printer to print graphical things, no?)

Um, last I checked, the printer was for ACADEMIC use - you know, like printing out a draft of the paper I just finished?

Now, if I want to print my paper I have to make the long, long trek to the scary, spider-infested store room and retrieve paper. LIKE I ALWAYS DO!

I am the ONLY person in this whole department who apparently knows how to get paper! Everyone else uses it all up and then by the time I need it, there's none left in the printer room.

I don't usually tell my colleagues to eff off - because I like them, most of the time - but this is a HUGE GIANT FLAMING blind spot THEY ALL HAVE.

I am totally sick of being the paper-coolie in this department but it seems like everyone else can perfectly TIME the using-up of the paper with my needing it! Grr!

Ricki (and everyone else),
As many as you like.

Ricki--I'm the paper AND toner drudge in the department. It sucks. People *walk away* when they see the printer needs something. (And sorry about the cancer stuff. Sheesh.)

And Emily--about the ranch dressing--why is it so hard? All I wanted was a burger from Wendy's and usually they ask if you want cheese on it (it costs extra, I think). I always say no b/c of my allergies. Wendy's is one of the few fast food places I can go where I know what to get and not worry about my allergies. So I was about to eat my lunch real quick before hitting the Petsmart next door and when I open my sandwich wrapper there's cheese inside. Dammit. At least I wasn't 2 miles up the road but still I had to go in and stand in line letting my fries get cold. But they did apologize and made me a new burger "sin queso." So I guess they don't have to fuck off this week for not asking, since they fixed it.

For my finale, I return with an update on the apartment: There was an envelope from management in the mail. I knew they didn't serve their eviction notices that way, so what the heck was in there?

A $150 credit on my rent with a "sorry for the inconvenience" written on it. It's a step in the right direction. I should be tired, burned out and strung out on finals every week b/c it really gets results! Have a good weekend, everyone!

Speaking of spare-change leeches, one of my coworkers told us about this guy with a "will work for food" sign at one of the busy intersections near work. One day she left work late and happened to drive by that intersection, just in time to see a car pull up next to the guy. She thought the driver was just giving him money, but then she saw the driver, a woman, get out of the car and go around to the passenger side. The guy picked up his sign, went to the back of the car, opened the hatch, tossed in his sign, closed the hatch, got in the driver's side, and drove away.

I currently live in Altamonte Springs and work in Maitland, both cities just north of Orlando. All my coworkers were shocked at this story, but I told him this was an old scam in Miami, and that we had several people notorious for cornerside begging being basically their day job, where they'd clear hundreds of dollars a day from guilty yuppies.

"I told them" I meant. Hey, my sleepy, addled brain can fuck off!

A "douche-sucking pamperskank?" Emily, you take my breath away sometimes.

You all are pretty angry this weekend. I'll keep mine simple.

Fuck spackle.

And also a simple Fuck Off to the idiots ALREADY setting off fireworks...we're still in a burn ban. Don't you DARE burn down the woods and my house.

Do we even need to add a fuck-off to the above sphincter? Although it is just a tad ironic to see Viagra spam on Father's Day.

A disc jockey here tells the story about walking towards a restaurant one night and seeing a homeless man in a wheelchair, being pushed down the sidewalk by another homeless man. The guy in the wheelchair held a sign that said, "Vietnam Vet". The disc jockey was moved by this sight so he gave the guy a twenty.
When he came out of the restaurant, he again saw the men. But this time, the guy who had been pushing the wheelchair was seated and holding the sign, and the guy who had been seated was pushing him.
When will we learn?

A BIG FAT HAIRY FUCK OFF TO ASSHOLES WHO CHEER AND SCREAM DURING GRADUATIONS SO THAT THE PEOPLE WHOSE KIDS CAME IMMEDIATELY AFTER DON'T GET TO HEAR THEIR KID'S NAME. SAME FUCK OFF TO THE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO BELIEVE THEY HAVE THE GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO STAND UP, OR STAND ON THEIR FUCKING CHAIRS, TO TAKE PICTURES SO THAT NO ONE BEHIND THEM CAN SEE ANYTHING.

AND A SPECIAL FUCK OFF TO THE ASSHOLES WHO HAD THE AIR HORNS. YOU, SIR OR MADAM, ARE VERY LUCKY I WASN'T RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. YOU'D NEVER HAVE SEEN THAT FUCKING AIRHORN AGAIN WITHOUT MAJOR SURGERY. AND THAT'S NOT A THREAT, IT'S A FUCKING CERTAINTY.