it comes in pints?

The only fuck off I have this week is for Mother Nature. Fuck you rain, fuck you wind, fuck you for making me replace my bedroom carpet and fuck you for making me miss hours of work three separate days in the last three weeks because I had to be home to watch for flooding in the computer room. And while I'm here, fuck you to the previous owner of this house who did such fucked up things to it that I end up with floods and fuck you to the weather for not cooperating today when we were going to get this all fixed. Now, does anyone have an ark I can borrow?

I frequently get called into customer service calls to figure out some technical issue. The main customer service person here is extremely competent, so, after just a few times watching me investigate and figure out an issue, she can now do it herself without having to call me. Unfortunately, she still has to call me over pretty frequently to say on speaker phone the same thing she just said because the customer won't accept it unless they hear it said with a male voice -- even one that sounds like a 12 year old boy. This is especially true of larger companies.

Oh...and..um..to be on topic, I can fuck off because I suck or something.

The heat can FTFO. Yes, I know, it's supposed to be hot, it's summer, but having heat indexes of 110* for days on end is just UNNECESSARY.

This weekend is my last free weekend before classes start; I want to go out and do something fun (that involves being outdoors at least part of the time) And now I'm going to have to rethink it because of the frigging HEAT.

People who don't like certain TV shows (or movies, or books, or whatever) yet feel it is their LIFE'S MISSION to tell EVERYONE that they don't like said TV show -- and why -- EVERY FUCKING MINUTE can fuck off and die.

Look, assholes, I *like* Rescue Me. I can't explain why for the life of me, but I'd knock you down to kiss Denis Leary. I like to go to the TWoP message boards to discuss RM, not to listen to you bitch and moan every third post about how much you hate the show, how DL is a misogynist, how much the writers suck. Here's a clue: If you hate the show so much, DON'T FUCKING WATCH IT.

Double the fuck off on mother nature, this is two days this week where I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how my shoes and socks are going to be soaking wet all day.

People that live in a city and spend every waking moment of the day criticizing said city and stating, ad FUCKING nauseum, how rife with crime and poverty and everything else that city is can FUCK THE FUCK OFF. To add insult to fuckinginjury, those same people are constantly telling you how THEY JUST CANT WAIT TO FUCKING LEAVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT HELLHOLE. Guess what, fucktards? You can leave RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Just pack you shitty attitude, shove your negativity up your fucking ass, FUCK THE FUCK OFF and GET THE FUCK OUT, you FUCKBUCKET. We dont fucking need you here nor has anyone elected you to be the FUCKING CHAMBER OF FUCKING COMMERCE. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT WITH FUCKING CHEESE AND KNOBS ON AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING MYOPIC BULLSHIT FUCKING SHITASS FUCKING OPINIONS FUCKING WITH YOU, YOU FUCK.

Oh, yeah, Emily, one of the guys from the leasing department frequently comes over and if neither attorney is present, he asks the rest of the staff, "Isn't anybody here today?" Guess you need a JD to be "somebody."

Sorry, guys, this could be a long one--this week was downright frustrating. The power company can fuck off with sizzling hot knobs. They started digging around on Sunday, screwed something up, and Tuesday night there was no power, forcing me to sleep at my parents' b/c at midnight it was still 85 in my apartment. Then they kept telling me the power was still off Wed. morning, when in fact it had come back on at 3 a.m. For some bizarre reason, the apt. manager insisted to Landlord that the power was still off and that the exterminator she was supposed to let into my apt. while I was at work should be rescheduled. She used to be cool but I think she's probably mad at me for having the code enforcement officer beat down her door last month to get the building exterminated at last. Or she didn't feel like it. Thanks a lot.

Of course the DSL never came back on after the power outage, and the tech in India I spoke to Wed. night gave up after an hour and insisted the problem was something with my phone jack. Passed the problem to someone else who left a dumb message while I wasn't home last night (at the parents' poaching their signal) claiming he fixed the problem. No, it's worse now--even more lights are out on my modem! So this afternoon when I get out of work early, I get to spend on the phone with them again. The phone company can fuck off and hang themselves with their stupid fiber optic wires.

I'm really PO'd about the DSL probs b/c OF COURSE this is registration week at school and I am an ONLINE student. I have a new advisor who was told to communicate with students ONLY via e-mail (my former advisor NEVER did that!) and it took my calling the Dean of Students' office to get her on the phone. (I have to say, thank God for the nice student answering the Dean's phone who hooked me up.)

And maybe I haven't dated enough to have encountered this before, but whoever invented the delusionally "nicer" concept of diminishing contact gradually with someone you didn't want to date anymore than just saying, "I don't think we should go out anymore," can just fuck right off the face of the earth. And so can the next person who tells me "anyone who passes on you is a loser." It only makes me feel more cynical to contemplate the growing proportion of losers.

I think tonight's a cocktail night.

Lisa,
I don't get people like that. It's one thing to just not like a show and not watch it, not get into it, but those people who have to seek out message boards for fans just to tell everyone how much they don't like a show? Um, whatever. It's like those people who show up on Youtube and post comments under hockey videos talking about how much they think it sucks. Dude, if you don't like hockey, what the fuck are you doing looking up videos on Youtube for?

On the flip side, fans of shows can be equally as obnoxious. There was this guy who, like me, was a fan of "Lost" when it first started but got kind of annoyed with the direction of the show midway through the second season, so he started a "why 'Lost' sucks" blog for fans who felt the same way. Well, all these people who still liked the show started showing up and ragging on him and other posters at his site. Fuck off, people. It's not like we're pissing on the heads of the uber-geeks at sites like the Fuselage. You have your spots for talking about how much you just love the fact that the show has turned into daytime drama-quality programming. Stay there. The people that were especially irritating were the ones that insisted that people who didn't like the show just didn't "get it," as if it were fucking brain surgery and not a dumbed-down network TV drama aimed at the lowest common denominator of intelligence. Whatever.

Lisa, that is so deranged. I guess they think a change will come about if they rant enough. I work with someone like that and I call what she has "entitlement syndrome."

Jury Duty starting on Friday can fuck right the fuck off. Especially JD starting on Friday when you WERE planning to go out of town for the weekend. Especially JD starting on Friday after you CALLED IN ALL MOTHERFUCKING WEEK and got told NOT to come in. And did I mention it's county criminal court in downtown LA? Couldn't get called for Pasadena. Oh hell no.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Motherfuckers. At least they delayed it until he was done teaching summer school. Dickholes.

Our Home Owners Association(HOA) is a bunch of Nazis. In order to get our house painted we must get the Reichstags approval. Yeah I know in the long run this is good because we won’t have some jackoff painting his house bright purple with pink trim. However, it shouldn’t take a friggin month to get permission to paint MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE! If the HOA actually did it’s job, it would be sighting the fucktard up the street with the dandelion front lawn or the asswipe across the street, who decided to widen his driveway by adding a concrete slab that doesn’t match the rest of his driveway. Fuck off and DIE HOA!

One more quickie:

people who dont know whow to pull out of a fucking parking space can FUCK THE FUCK OFF WITH FUZZY FUCKING DICE AND KNOBS ON. look, you can turn your neck back until it snaps all you like, and you can inch in reverse at whatever snail's pace you like, but, IF YOU DONT TURN THE FUCKING STEERING WHEEL, THUS MAKING THE FUCKING TIRES, AND, CONSEQUENTLY THE FUCKING CAR, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY FUCKING TURN, YOU AINT GOING TO GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKING PARKING SPACE. And, on the off chance that you do turn the steeering wheel, make sure you turn it in the RIGHT FUCKING DIRECTION. Your car doesnt have a mind of its own, fucknut, and it will only go, you know, WHERE YOU ACTUALLY TELL IT TO GO, you fucking ICANTBELIEVEMYCARCANTGETOUTOFTHISSPACEBYITSELF FUCKTARD.

Fuck of to kids who wear those stupid roller skate shoes in stores.

Ken, after church one time I saw kids using them across the back pew of church. On the well-cared for flooring that has lasted a long time thanks to such care.

And their parents didn't tell them to knock it off.

Regarding the "if you don't like it, don't watch it: Does this mean I should stop making fun of Orlando Bloom?

As long as you're not worried about the fury of 13-year-old fangirls, I'd say it's okay to keep it up, Bill.

I have another one.

Fuck off to my neighbors who bought their teenage son a car and had him park that car two houses down, right in the spot that makes it really difficult for me to back out of my driveway. Why the FUCK can't you park that piece of shit in front of YOUR OWN HOUSE? There is room in front of your own house for THREE FUCKING CARS and there is only ONE parked there. Why the HELL did you have the kid park the car two houses down? And FUCK YOU to the kid who, when I asked him nicely to move the car, stared at me as if I was speaking martian to him and proceeded to NOT move the car. Fuck you to his parents, who are so fucking bizarre to begin with that watching them has become a daily hobby of mine, and fuck you to the daughter, who sits outside til about 10 at night with her brother, giggling at everything he says in this high-pitched annoying way and often screaming as if she the fucking Backstreet Boys just landed on her lap. Weird fucking family. FUCK THEM.

my kid has those shoes /whisper

Fuck off, me.

The stomach virus that has sidelined my sweetie for 3 days can FOAD with Pepto Bismol. Vomiting and diarrhea can FO as well. So much for grilling steaks this weekend. :-(

michele,

Let the air oiut of the tires a couple times.

Val, the boyfriend has already talked about ice picks. I told him as long as I don't see him do it. Ignorance is bliss.

Ken,

I dream of seeing some kid skating through the store getting creamed by someone pushing a cart filled with canned goods. POW! Natural selection in action.

Or the kid could be fit enough to survive leading to eventual evolution into wheeled feet.

Local grocery stores around here have posted signs banning use of those for liability reasons.

I always wondered about that when I see kids skating around in stores, guessing how long it's going to be before some kid eats it and their parents sue the store.

Yeah, I've had kids nearly collide with me in the store on those wheelie shoes. Whoever invented those things should be covered in honey and staked to an anthill.

And another one: a hearty FTFO to people who are "too good" to watch television, and who feel the need to inform the people around them of that fact.

Look, I don't care that you don't like tv and find other ways to spend your free time. Peace be with you, and all that. But - please, please, PLEASE don't imply that I'm fry-daddying my brain cells because I sometimes like to watch cartoons. And don't imply that my way of spending my free time is somehow immoral. Again: I don't care what you do or do not like. But don't set yourself up as superior to me for reasons that have NOTHING to do with morals, ethics, intelligence, blah blah blah.

Also, you know? Sometimes when someone brings up a tv show, it's a way of trying to find some connection, to have some kind of conversational gambit. It doesn't further the conversation for you to go, "Oh, I never watch tv. TV is stupid and bad for you."

FINE. I'll go find someone else to talk to, smugpig.

"Smugpig." I needed that laugh.

And IIRC my brother's MIL (future at the time) cut me off once with "We don't watch much TV." Okayyyy. . . and the way you're not smiling means your sex life is pretty off, too, right?

Oh, the "I don't watch TV" people are annoying. So are the "I only watch opera and nature documentaries on PBS" people. And the "I only watch British TV" people. Idiots. British TV has it's share of suckitude and stupidity. That's why it's not exported to the States. Because it's stupid. Just because you never see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I can't stand people who think saying stuff like that makes them sound smart. It doesn't. It just makes them sound like a smug, elitist asshole.

Same goes for people who think watching sports somehow makes you stupid. Whatever, dumbass.

ricki and emily, I totally feel you. I work (and have worked) with more smugpig TV snobs than I can count. Guess what you smug dicks? I'm doing the same academic job you are, in many cases MORE successfully, and I watch reality TV, cartoons, sports, and Ninja Warrior, thank you very much. And I ALSO watch documentaries, science shows, arts shows, and the History Channel. Not to mention more than half a dozen British shows, on and off.

And you know what? I think they ALL make me smarter. I can't tell you all the things I learned from cartoons when I was a kid.

And what's worse? The radio/music snobs. The "I only listen to NPR"ers are running about even with the "I only listen to indie-crunchy-pressed-on-recycled-plastic-CDs music" crowd in my world. I want to beat the holy living fuck out of them.

While I'm on the subject, one more: The people who fuck me off the most are the ones who look at you when you say the word "blog" and smile bemusedly like you're a fucking teenager. Get a life, fuckers. The totality of blogging is a hell of a lot more than Myspace and Facebook. It's not all unpoliced, unjournalistic speculation. It's not all online diaries. There are a lot of people who work very hard to get out a journalistic message that the "media" ignores, like Val and friends at Babalu do everyday.

and finally, unrelatedly: FUCK OFF AND DIE TO CHARTER CABLE AND MY FUCKING PATHETIC ROUTER. AN HOUR IT TOOK ME AFTER THE FUCKING CABLE WENT OUT TO GET BACK ON LINE. WITH A WIRE.

The coller-than-thou music purists piss me off, too, CTG. "I only listen to indie/grunge/punk rock" people can suck it, too. So what? I listen to whatever the hell I enjoy because I'm grown up enough to not give a shit what other people think about my personal taste in anything.

I was thinking of adding a fuck-off, but my week has been pretty good. Saying fuck-off to the stupid, self-absorbed fucknozzles who turn their grocery carts sideways in the aisle and then ignore the 100 or so people actually trying to get by seems pretty pathetic. Then again, I never claimed to be a bigger person, so those brain donating douchebags can fuck the fuck off.

Maybe next week I'll really feel it. My entry this week seems so lame compared to rest of the venting this week.

I'd like Lowes Credit Company to Fuck off. Fucking asswipes applied my $150 to the wrong fucking account and have been calling me 3 times a day for a month and a half asking me for my payment THAT THEY FUCKING LOST AND CLEARED MY BANK ACCOUNT IN FUCKING JUNE!

FUCK YOU, LOWES! YOU FUCKING SUCK!

I'd also like to jump on board with telling that bitch Mother Nature to take her fucking heat index of over 100 and shove it way the fuck up her ass. It's fucking hot, and my utility bill was almost $400 last month. Fuck you, too, Florida. (Sorry, Val, I know you're in Miami and probably hotter, but it's pretty fucking hot here in Orlando. And I'm not weathering it well.)

Been awhile since I've had one of these, but boy do I ever this week.

You know what, fuck off to people who fucking practially beg us to start an investigation of their coworkers. Who then make all kinds of allegations that force me to interview 80 fucking billion people only to finally discover that 90% of the claims are fucking bullshit hearsay and speculation. And then when I go back to the complainants and ask them to meet with me to go over their statements, they suddenly decide that they can't so much as scratch their asses without first consulting their union. What the FUCK? Either back the fuck up what you're alleging or fucking knock it off! Don't vomit up all this shit for me to clean up and then duck and cover when I ask you to pony up with some details. I mean, fuck. That's just all I can say.

And I am so with you on those assjets who ask if "anybody" is there. Got one complainant who thinks he's the big man and so will only talk to my boss. Like my boss knows fuck-all what is going on with this case.

Argggh.

"assjets" haahhahahaaha. Thanks, nancy!

Fuck of to kids who wear those stupid roller skate shoes in stores.

That's right. Kids who wear them can fuck off. And leave the shoes behind, because I want a pair of those myself. (Not to wear to church, though.) Youth is wasted on the young.

People that live in a city and spend every waking moment of the day criticizing said city and stating, ad FUCKING nauseum, how rife with crime and poverty and everything else that city is can FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Val, I thought it was only people who lived in Miami who did that. :P

Co-workers (that believe with religious certainty that they're my boss) who adamantly refuse to tell me what they want and then bitch when what they get isn't what they dreamed up can fuck off. If you sniff and tell me to ask my opposite number at another paper to do it for me (since I'm clearly incapable of doing it right myself), then knobs and cheese can also be involved. If youu do it just as the boss is walking past (go on, tell me it was a coincidence), then a badly-pitted tire iron will be introducced into the mix as well.

Collection agents can fuck off. Do you really think that I've become wealthy since you called me last? We're already sending you all we can, and looking for ways to send more. Don't fucking call the day after we made our last fucking payment! Don't you people have a cow to worship or something?

What, no mention of Barry Bonds and steroids?

I think we gave about four FFOs to Bonds* last week. That cheating sack of shit is beyond my anger now.

Okay, I wasn't in need of a fuck-off outlet before, but I am now. The vulture-voiced vaginaclot (I think maybe she's found a permanent name) in my office can fuck off and die, slowly, painfully, and for God's sake silently. You DON'T change my press dates without telling me, and you NEVER tell the corporate masters that I fucked this up. I've had a bellyful of being thrown under the bus to cover up for your incompetence, you stupid, vicious, screeching harpy. Do you really think it's a coincidence that this paper has had a record turnover in the time that you've been here? The only reason I can imagine that you still work here at all is that you're either supplying the boss with blowjobs or you have some kind of criminal evidence against him.

BTW, vaginaclot made the front page today, in her classic pose of bitching at me. Actually, she';s just giving some Korean students a tour of the paper, but the tableau is so realistic that I have trouble believing the editor didn't choose it deliberately. He's not much fonder of her than I am.

The picture hasn't published yet, but it's also here.

One big one:

FUCK OFF TO SUMMER COLDS THAT MAGICALLY APPEAR THE FUCKING DAY BEFORE I'M GOING ON FUCKING ONE-WEEK VACATION.

Damn it all to fucking hell, my head's about to asplode and I'm going to be driving to visit my aunt near Pasadena, down to San Diego Wild Animal Park, up to Disneyland, over to the beach . . . AAAAAAAA!

This shit's supposed to happen when I'm at WORK, DAMN FUCKING SINUSES! FUCK. YOU. RUNNING.

. . . sniffle . . .

Boulevards with high shrubbery that exist purely to block my view of traffic when I'm trying to turn can fuck off.

Oh, and have a good weekend, sugar.

This whole bit where you work 50 weeks out of the year in order to scrounge 10 days of vacation can fuck off.

I think I need a new job.

Well, tech support in India can fuck off for making me jump through the same hour-long hoops I went through on Wed. evening to try to get my internet connection, especially the repeatedly asking if my wires are all connected--and brushing off my question, "The modem keeps restarting--are you sure my modem's not broken?" The good news is that I finally got an intelligent person in Billing who connected me with "higher level" tech support--I had no idea I could get to talk with a tech in the U.S.!!! She listened to my long-winded tale and agreed with me about the modem (stupid thing didn't even last a year!). A new one will be arriving Monday. If it is appropriate on the FFOT, I would like to shout, "Hooray! Debra the American tech ROCKS!!!"

Joel,
The name fits her perfectly.

E-freakin'gad.

Jeez, Joel... That's going to give me nightmares. Does Cruella DeVille know she has an eviler twin?

Oh, Kate, been there, done that, wore out the t-shirt.

Only, my clueless techs were in Georgia (USA), so although they technically SPOKE English, they still couldn't help me.

I finally called the local office off my billing statement and hit "0" when they tried to cycle me through the "Press 1 if you want to commit homicide; press 2 if you want to commit suicide; Press 3 if you want to carpet-bomb our offices into oblivion" and actually got someone who knew what the F he was doing...

"Nurses who bother women who have just given birth that are otherwise perfectly healthy and just want to SLEEP can fuck off."

Emily, my aunt is an oncology nurse, and believe me she does not enjoy waking extremely ill patients up either. The "Fuck Off with a Sex Toy Paris Hilton Just Used" goes to the motherfucking ambulance chasers whose lawsuits made this kind of nonsense standard procedure.