it comes in pints?

Busybodies who don't really understand a situation but decide they are going to "help" behind your back can fuck off.

Also, people who wear too much perfume/cologne can fuck off. While you're wafting around thinking, "I smell sooooo pretty", my headache is plotting murder.

Finally, that "God Bless the USA" song can fuck off. I hate that song more than rhubarb hates me.

Oh yeah, and people who get bitchy when you ask them to actually do their fucking job, you're on the fuck off list, too. Yes, I could possibly do it myself, but then I'd be spending time doing your job instead of my job. So very, very sorry to interrupt your time on those fucking internet forums.

Oh Gawd - I had a lady a couple of weeks ago that I needed to fax me one piece of fucking paper. One fucking page and she didn't do it. She claims she did, but I never got it, and this is a small office where faxes just plain don't get lost, so she either didn't fax it or didn't pay attention to make sure it went through. I basically couldn't move forward with what I was trying to get done without this one piece of paper. When I called her back, she got all snippy and said "look, I'm really busy!" Like I'm not fucking busy? Nice lady. I'll be sure to let our mutual customer know you are too fucking busy to make sure they get their materials on time. Maybe they'll give their half a million dollars to another company who isn't too fucking busy to see that happen.

Fuck off to guys who can't respect the "At least one urnial separation" rule.

I'm over around Tacoma this week, staying in a motel. The first thing that I got when I checked in was a military style briefing about not smoking anywhere in or immediately next to the motel.

The receptionist was nice about it, but you could tell it was scripted, with the bottom line that violators would not only be kicked out without a refund, they would be fined another $250. This is in accordance with Section 3 of Resolution 2003-3527, "Prohibiting smoking in public and places of employment". This is the first that I've heard of it (and I've been over here several times since 2003), but apparently it's getting enforced.

So.....FUCK OFF to nanny staters. I don't smoke, and I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE being threatened with a fine about smoking. I suppose that if I had a buddy over who smoked, I'd have to read him the same riot act, just avoid getting pinched by Pierce County.

Yeah, yeah, I know, the motel clerk can't tell if I smoke, and has to treat everyone equally. HOW ABOUT STAYING THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE'S LIVES, ASSPIPES!??!?!?! Then the otherwise pleasant and helpful clerk wouldn't have to assume I'm a miscreant who must be controlled at all costs.

Put that on a knobby stick, dip it in cheese, and use it to fuck off with, Pierce County!

Emily, to continue with your Warren Jeffs rant....

I was stuck in a "Jiffy Lube" this week, and the TV was stuck on news coverage of his trial. I didn't watch it much (I believe that live courtroom melodrama is for people too bored to watch soaps), but one talking head caught my eye.

I forget her name, but she ranted on how this whole trial threatened every single priest, rabbi, or other "man of the cloth", because if Jeffs is convicted, they could be held responsible for how marriages they officiated over turned out.

Say what!?!?!?!?! Jeffs is nothing more than a tinpot dictator, using religion as his method of control. Religion, or your place in it, has NOTHING to do with this trial.

So.....talking TV heads can fuck off and die. Hopefully on video, so their ratings might go up for that last show.

Jeff - right now in Southern California, they're running all these alarmist advertisements on television about how the second hand smoke of from your neighbors is killing! you! It's coming in through your windows and air ducts and through key holes and is MURDERING YOUR CHILDREN! I don't know what the message there is supposed to be? Do they want people to begin physically attacking smokers? Getting people to sue their next door neighbor for smoking in their own home? Look, smoking is a filthy habit that is far from healthy, but these panic ads blaming it for everything from global warming to all forms of cancer to the reason why Napoleon was short are getting the fuck out of hand.

I can only muster up this, today:

appliances that choose a weekend day to die can eff off.

big-box home stores that go all cheap-ass and hire only one person to do installations, when they have enough business to easily keep four busy, can eff off.

But at least I have hot water.

(And the plumber - who seems totally overscheduled but still got out to help me this week - he can do the REVERSE of effing off. He worked really hard, dealing with antiquated pipes and a tight closet where he had to install the thing, and kept working until after 7 pm, just to be sure the job was done right. I tried to tip him but he wouldn't let me. And he cleaned up after himself, even mopping the floors where he tracked in some dirt.)

All the people in Jena who are saying "we are just misunderstood" can fuck the fuck off.

Jeff,
That was probably some credentialed "opinions-for-hire" cult apologist who take money from these people to go on TV and say how harmless cults are and yap about their rights being trampled on and rubbish like that.

J. Gordon "Jonestown Was Just A Freak Accident" Melton actually traveled to Tokyo after the AUM sarin attack on the subway there to publicly announce that they were innocent. This was after Japanese police raided one of their facilities and found a sophisticated chemical weapons laboratory. Guess who paid for his trip?

This trial has nothing to do with Jeffs' religion or beliefs. Most decent religions self-police their leaders. They are accountable for their behavior. Warren Jeffs answered to NOBODY but himself. And yes, every rabbi, priest, reverend, etc. will be held to the same standards as the rest of us. Their faith does not put them above the law.

"Uncle Warren" can fuck off on general principles. Yes, I know it's a religious requirement for Mormon Fundamentalists to have plural wives, and no, I don't care how many women you go through your rituals with. Not my business. But for God's sake (literally), wait until they fucking grow up! I'm surprised he lets them be potty trained before marrying them off.

And I agree, he's fucking creepy. Those colonies are so inbred that the title "Uncle" is more than just courtesy.

Is it possible to keep a fuck-off light?

If so, the New York Mets can fuck off. They can fuck off for not dealing for bullpen help when they damned well had the chance. They can fuck off for spending the past four months trying to finish third in the division. They can fuck off for losing 72 consecutive games to the freakin' Phillies and their AAA starting rotation. They can fuck off for giving Brian Lawrence and Mike Pelfrey twenty starts (total ERA - 5.72; baserunners per inning - 1.78; innings per start - 4.8). They can fuck off for fielding like little-leaguers for the past two weeks. They can fuck off for leading all of baseball in blown three- and four- run leads. Paul LoDuca can extra-special fuck off for flipping his gourd every fifteen minutes and bugging out his eyes like Marty Feldman, just because he thinks it's impossible to actually take a called strike. (It's beginning to infect the rest of the team, too.)

And all winter, while I'm watching the Islanders suck, I can console myself by thinking that at least the Mets didn't lose to in the playoffs to a team 20 games worse than they were.

Why don't they just come to my house and egg my car? Oh, that's why - because they'd all MISS THE CAR. Fuck!

"...these panic ads blaming it for everything from global warming to all forms of cancer to the reason why Napoleon was short are getting the fuck out of hand.

Amen. Hysteria seems to be the key word in advertising these days.

And yes, every rabbi, priest, reverend, etc. will be held to the same standards as the rest of us. Their faith does not put them above the law.

Absolutely. If I implied otherwise, it was by mistake. My point was that this paid for talking head was trying to gin up outrage by dragging in other religions....and that talking head should take her paycheck and shove it where the sun don't shine before she fucks off and dies on video.

I read an article about how Seattle uses cameras around public buildings to spot smokers trying to sneak a puff in violation of the 'no smoking around public buildings' ordinance. They actually post the photos of violators on a public website! Geez Louise, folks... Get a grip! I mean, if your camera catches someone sneaking a bunch of ammonium nitrate into a building, that's one thing. But sneaking a puff? What's next? Stocks and pillories in the fish market?

Oh, I totally know what you meant, Jeff. My anger was directed at her and her stupid notions that trying Warren Jeffs for criminal behavior was somehow going to make it open season on all legitimate religions.

Joel,
It's not just the age that he marries them off. The women in Colorado City and Hillsdale are considered property. If Jeffs ex-communicates their husband, they are "given" to another like slaves. It is disgusting. I'm very, very liberal when it comes to religious beliefs, but polygamy is against the law in this country. Sometimes the law makes exceptions to accomodate religious beliefs, like allowing the Amish to remove their children from school after they complete the 8th grade, stuff like that. But as of now, the law has made no such accomodations for polygamy, which means you don't get to do it. Period. No matter what Joseph Smith said.

Also, the guy who actually committed the rape (assuming that's what it was) can fuck off with church-potluck lime Jello. I don't know what kind of a deal the state offered him to turn on his "prophet" like this, but he's the one who ought to be on trial. I doubt Jeffs ordered him into this marriage; the guys have at least some say in the matter. If he gets the hots for a girl barely out of pigtails, bad enough that she has to be ordered to marry him, then he's a rapist at heart, whether in law or not.

But the state of Utah has been wanting to nail Jeffs and his father before him for decades, and this vermin seems to be their hammer.

poeople that are a block away and start coughing if they see you light a cigarette can FUCK THE FUCK OFF. With apologies to the non-smokers here, I try to be a courteous smoker and not bother anyone. i do not smoke indoors nor where smoking is prohibited. But some people are just so FUCKING SELF FUCKING RIGHTEOUS that they see you smoking a cigarete from 50, 60, 100 feet away and ACT as if its FUCKING BOTHERING THEM. To those folks: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FASCIST LYING MOTHERFUCKERS. There no fucking way possinble for my cigarette smoke tobother you, outside, and at that distance, and if your olfactory is bionic like that, perhaps you should be working with the DEA or FBI or CIA as a drug and bomb sniffinf fucking dog. Fucktarts.

Joel,
Defying the orders of Warren Jeffs would get you ex-communicated from the city. Kicked out. Your family and friends forbidden from speaking to you. Nowhere to go. No means of support and little education. They've actually set up halfway houses for these guys, who before that were stuck crashing in sleeping bags on the floors of generous mainstream Mormons who opened their already crowded homes to them until they can land on their feet. The guy didn't have a choice. In that city, you did what Jeffs said or else. Listen to him speak in that video link I posted when you get the chance.

"Why can't you just obey?"

Sweet Jeebus, it gives me goose bumps.

And Joel,
I'm sorry if those posts come off like I'm attacking you. I'm not. Warren Jeffs just seriously pisses me the fuck off.

And Val,
TOTALLY. I hate those people that see you light a cigarette from a hundred feet away and start in on some coughing fit of epileptic porportions...give me a fucking break. You know what? Smoking isn't the ONLY thing that causes lung cancer and if your precious lungs are so weak that your upstairs neighbor's second-hand smoke drifting in through your water pipes makes you sick, you were probably going to get fucking cancer anyway.

I'm sorry if those posts come off like I'm attacking you. I'm not. Warren Jeffs just seriously pisses me the fuck off.

I didn't think you were. Some of the stories I've heard from ex-polygs are scarier than the news reports tell you. But I get the impression that the guy asked Jeffs for this girl. Which makes him a sick fuck, right along with Jeffs. I have no problem with locking Uncle Warren up in a cell where he can be some serial killer's "celestial wife", but I want to see the other perv there too.

I'm with Cullen on the assholes who fail to respect the rules of the men's room.

I have a fuck off to Bill Plaschke and his incoherent rant on the Dodgers this morning. Seriously, dude, it's bad enough to see you on ESPN talking out your ass about stuff you don't fucking understand. But these are the Los Angeles FUCKING DODGERS - they are suppose to be your fucking home town team. The least you could do is have a fucking clue as to what you want the team to do. Yeah, the season went to shit, but if you're going to write a column talking about it being someone's fault... say whose fucking fault it is, for Christ's sake. Do I need to get the fucking clue bat out for you?

Other than that, I got nothing.

Warren Jeffs can definitely fuck off!

And rats...rats can fuck off. So can my neighbor who has this tree chcoked with ivy that is full of fucking rats...rats that have decided to flee the crowd in their tree, and come live in my tree, and my attic.

Maybe we can work out some deal where the neighbors and the rats can actually fuck off together...with Warren Jeffs. Fuck off with cheese encrusted rats!

Yeah, I never got the sight of smoke=coughing fit thing either, Val & Emily. This odd girl who sat next to me in one of my classes in college always feigned that silliness when she merely SAW people standing outside the classroom door having a smoke before class started. We were sitting at the opposite end of the room from the door!

There's always something driving related. People who buy really great cars (esp. w/serious horsepower) and then drive 10 miles under the speed limit can fuck off. With the proper acceleration.

It's time for it to be said again: cancer can fuck the fuck off and die. We lost a choir member yesterday morning (may she rest in peace) and I can only imagine what shape her husband's in.

Assholes with no more responsibility than their own keyboards who just know their special genius would be able to instantly judge if something is a threat or not; so they know their special genius would never, ever over-react or misjudge something; so that their every move would always be the correct ones can fuck off. 2000 miles removed makes for a fuckload of experts.

To students that can not remember how to do rather simple math (pre-algebra type) It is not like it isn't taught other places, or that I gave a 1 hr talk about how math and science are related, or went over a simple assignment, USING THE METHOD TO CONVERT UNITS with you all this past week. Don't effing ask me DURING A QUIZ if you did the problem right. If you had a question with how to calculate from one system of measurements to another, you should have asked me yesterday at the latest.

ALSO: DON'T ASK ME TO HAVE ADDITIONAL DAYS TO DO AN ASSIGNMENT WHEN YOU'VE HAD THE WHOLE EFFING WEEK TO COMPLETE IT. I DONT CARE IF YOU ALSO HAD AN ESSAY TO DO OR A LOT OF MATH HOMEWORK, IN YOUR OTHER CLASS. IT IS YOUR JOB TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU ARE TO COMPLETE ALL ASSIGNMENTS THAT YOU ARE ASSIGNED IN THE TIME GIVEN TO YOU.

Thank you. I feel much better now.

Kate,
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Cancer can fuck off from me, too.

Yeah, Marc -- anybody who immediately politicizes today's shootings or, even worse, responds by writing something like "if it were me, I would have tackled the guy and beat his ass" can fuck off.

Getting blindsided by brand new "urgent" priorities can FTFO.

Thanks, Emily.

Maggie May--my cat the rodent assassin would like to visit your attic. She needs the vacation from the lawnmowers and trash trucks outside.

You know who can FTFO? Those emailers that are constantly sending you emails about some tragedy or another, or cat pictures, or jokes, or powerpoint presentations or anything else that mundane or uninteresting or that youve read a million times or that has been debunked a billion times like the microsoft will pay you cash for passing this email thing. And especially when theyve copied a jillion poeople and you have to click like seventy five email boxes before you get the actual FUCKING message. FOR FUCKS SAKE PEOPLE!!! STOP SENDING FUCKING STOOPID EMAILS AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PLEASE, PLEASE LEARN HOW TO USE A FUCKING EMAIL FUCKING PROGRAM, YOU FUCKSPAMMERS.

cancer can fuck the fuck off and die

This is such a staple on this thread that it deserves its own acronym. So amen, Kate! CCFTOFAD!

2000 miles removed makes for a fuckload of experts.

Sure does. And an advance fuck-off: All those "investigators" who take it on themselves to mentally sift through the wreckage and declare exactly who failed to do exactly the right thing in an emergency can fuck off and die with knobby cheese. They weren't there, they weren't being shot at, and they have lots of leisure time to think about it, so they know fuck-all. In a situation like that, nobody is negligent. Who the hell doesn't want to prevent something like this? But somebody's going to have to be served up on a platter for failing to read some psycho's fucking mind, whether it's reasonable or not.

(HTML fixed, Joel - Emily)

The Achewood web comic strip for today, 9/21, is appropriate for this thread... :)

Thanks, Emily. I gues the few brain cells I have left can fuck off as well.

Jeff, I don't see how, anybody in Tacoma can give a rat's ass about cigarette smoke. Do they really not know what their city smells like? An ashtray would be like perfume.

Anti-smoking do-gooder fucking nazis who take their kids to drinking establishments can fuck the hell off...Have you noticed how these people think that cigarette smoke is the devils spoor but they have no problem taking their kids out to bars where Friday afternoon adults are getting royally fucked up and generally having a good time. Some example for the kiddies. They can fuck off and die.

Joel, all I can puzzle out about this smoking ban is that the chronic coughers (a la' Val) threatened the County Commissioners with revolution, or maybe collective breaking wind, if their Just Cause™ was not religiously supported.

I mean, c'mon, we're discussing the Seattle-Tacoma region, with air pollution out the kazoo, and Tacoma, a major industrial center and port. It's a good thing I have minor allergies from all that eastern Washington pollen, else I'd be wrinkling my nose.

It's better up here in Fife (I relocated, so as to rally with relatives prior to hitting the Puyallup Fair tomorrow); the motel (same chain) merely charges extra if you want to smoke. This is far more reasonable, IMHO.

or maybe collective breaking wind

Come to think of it, that could explain North Tacoma perfectly.

Have a scone for me tomorrow at the Puyallup! Twenty years since I last went there.

Atchison, the DA from Florida who wanted to have sex with a 5 year old girl can FTFO and DIE.

But the media who won't leave his family alone can also FTFO, too. They're probably victims of this man, too.

Now that I'm home from work I can get the ultimate FO for the week off my chest: The two co-workers in my department who are the bane of my work existence can fuck off and go work some fucking place else. The giant jerkoff who you may remember was the guy who walked away from the printer saying "It's not my job" to load paper--he whined about his workload being so heavy since the law student helping him with research left (this means it's cutting into his phone and socializing time) that THEY BROUGHT THE LAW STUDENT BACK. He sits on the other side of my cubicle, and I overheard The Jerkoff come up to him and gush all over him saying, "The research was just, you know, really rough." Sonofabitch. That's your fucking job. That's what you were hired to do--not take 2 hour lunches for haircuts and trips to the driving range, spend the rest of the time on the phone talking to your friends and then talking to your wife ABOUT talking to your friends.

So now The Jerkoff's back to his usual rounds of socializing and schmoozing--fuck, he even took the afternoon off today! 'Cause he's free!
Meanwhile, I'm still doing part of my old job in addition to my official job because Idiot #2 (who was dressed like a magenta suede version of Miss Kitty today--does not know the meaning of "business casual") can't be bothered to put out decent work in a timely manner. She disappeared for over 1/2 hour this afternoon. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of the race card both of them are playing to get their perceived entitlements. We have other non-caucasian employees who actually have the discipline and honesty to work for their pay. We don't work in a gulag but it's no country club either.

You, Jerkoff and Idiot #2, can fuck off--and what the hell, you flirt so much maybe you should just fuck each other and get it over with. I may have to take out a personal loan to finish my master's degree when I quit my job, but I'm starting to think it's worth it so I can get the fuck away from you and our company will realize you aren't bearing any fruit.

Anyone who pisses of Kate P can fuck off. She's earned her stripes.

First, let me say that 14 hour workdays can fuck off.

Upper management who decides to fling a huge project at us, meanwhile cutting hours by 20%? Buttfucking horseshit, and it can fuck off.

IN general, let's just say working retail cna fuck off.

Specifically, let's say that the motherfucking state law that says I have to get every body to show ID if they're going to buy beer can fuck the fuck off. It's bullshit, it's poorly intentioned, and it's a waste of everybody's time. I can think of no good reason to bestow it upon us, unless it's to feed my belief that there are things on this Earth put here specifically to piss me off. I disagree with it on every level, and it can fuck off.

It's not as if we're ass-backwards enough in our thinking as it is, without hassling every 70 year old in the world for his ID.

Conversely, the shitass, white trash, welfare state piece of human excrement who decided to pick today, of all days, to start an argument over something that's BEEN THE LAW for three months now? She can fuck off.

Ma'am, life is not fair. But trust me, there are a lot of things a lot less fair than you not getting to take advantage of our low, low prices on Natural Light. Now take yourself, your musty smelling Toby Keith t-shirt, your Bronco smokes, your EBT card, and politely get the fuck out of my sight.

Go back to your trailer, drink a nice cold glass of Grow the Fuck Up. I'd suggest following it with a nice chaser of Fuck off and Die.

Thanks, Emily. I almost needed a cigarette after that one.

Hoo! Tommy, you just became my hero! That's the best FO I've read in a long time. (Sorry, Kate and Val!)

?With rare exceptions, nobody is going after these people for their beliefs.

I wanted to save this till most of the FO's had been vented. Emily, I don't like to contradict you, not least because I might fear for my safety. :) But in this case, the state is going after him for his beliefs. The lawyers on this thread can correct me, but I have a feeling that this legal strategy wouldn't have a prayer in any other state. But nobody detests the polygamists more than the LDS Church, and Utah is still dominated by the Church. If anybody thinks they're not, they haven't lived in Mormon country.

Which is not to say that I don't think Jeffs is loathsome. Even before watching that video, I thought he was a dandruff scraping off the scalp of humanity. Nor do I think the FLDS is anything but a mind-control cult. The distinction between religion and cult is very subjective, but even other polygs have a low opinion of them. These poeple are plumb sick, and Uncle Warren is the virus. I'd love to see him out of the picture. But I also think the state of Utah is railroading him to achieve that worthy goal. And I can picture other groups using the same precedent as an excuse to bring charges against legitimate religions that they disapprove of. Heck, there are enough people out there that think my own religion is evil; what if they had legal force as well?

Joel,
Okay, since Friday is has come and gone, I guess there's no harm in turning this thread into a theological one without feeling like we've deprived anyone of their right to a weekly fuck off...first of all, I don't mind if you contradict me at all. Especially someone like you who is civil about it, so fearing for your safety isn't something you need to bother with.:)

I think the distinction we're disagreeing on is the difference between beliefs and behavior, which can be pretty ambiguous, given that one manifests itself in the form of the other. Jeffs believes women are inferior and their purpose is to serve men. Fine. Whatever. Misogynists are everywehre. The difference is, most misogynists aren't in a postition of absolute authority to order a woman to marry a man she does not want to. They do not have the power to take her children from her, cast her husband and the father of her children out of "Eden" and "give" her and her offspring to another man like Christmas presents.

I don't really understand what you mean by the precedents being set to go after other churches for their beliefs in that light. Like I said, no amount of faith puts any church above the law. In what way could someone use the elements of this case - accomplice to rape, incest, sexual misconduct with a minor - to go after the Catholic Church based solely on their tenants?

I totally understand what you're saying about criticizing smaller sects because their beliefs may be uncommon, kooky, or unpopular and how that can open the floodgates for people to find reason to fault more traditional religions. But they wouldn't really have much of a rational case, as I often find with stark-raving atheists who are just as mad and mindless as some of the religious fervents they target. Safe, healthy, mainstream churches who are genuinely established to provide services for the faithful and help their communities hold their leadership accountable. It is dispersed so that members have recourse in the event they've been hurt or abused. They may ask for contributions to maintain facilities and pay clergy, but they don't charge extortionate amounts of money for their services and will open their books to anyone who asks. They answer critics when their practices are called into question, defend themselves with explanations, they do not attempt to silence them, or in the case of Sc*ent*l*gy, destroy them. Or even worse, in the case of the AUM, they openly murdered them.

I can't imagine the Pope maintains an intelligence unit to dispatch whenever somebody questions the Catholic Church. He holds his job conditionally. Warren Jeffs, Jim Jones, David Koresh, Charles Manson, L. Ron Youknowwho - they did not.

Also - I don't see how Jeffs in this instance is being "railroaded." That implies the charges are false or concocted or that he's being used as a patsy of some kind when he is otherwise innocent. Nothing could be further from the truth. The irony of this whole situation is that for decades, before Warren Jeffs was even born, nobody in government and law enforcement in Utah would attempt to touch the FLDS because they were worried about alienating a Mormon constituency. Hell, after the Short Creek Raids in 1953, the governor of Utah at the time lost a re-election bid the following year as a result. Now, with an expansive media and the internet spreading the horror stories about what goes on in those towns, the mainstream Mormon Church couldn't be more eager to distance themselves from these people.