it comes in pints?

Ken,

I was having memory problems some years back and started taking Ginko Biloba. After a few weeks my memory improved and I was sharpo and clear as a whistle. probelm is, one morning I took my pills and forgot where I placed the bottle. never did find it.

A huge thanks to you all for helping out with Maura's charity. I dont have the words to tell you just what it means to me and our family. Mil gracias.

And a way we go:

For Susanna, whose request rant was a thing of beauty in and of itself and where I felt like I was spraying graffitti on a work of art:

To those FUCKING pain in the ass persnickety FUCKING pipsqueak FUCKING pinheads that just HAVE to have those SPECIAL FUCKING salads - all organic mixed FUCKING greens with your little FUCKING bulgur wheat extract salad dressing and little FUCKING wheat grass and FUCKING beansprouts with your FUCKING Darkest Peru FUCKING bottle of water and act like complete POMPOUS FUCKING FUCKS when ordering at the FUCKING weigh-it-pay-it FUCKING salad bar as if youre FUCKING saving the world by eating FUCKING lawns and shiting FUCKING rabbit pellets - gladly paying a good $15 FUCKING bucks for what amounts to a piece of someone's FUCKING LAWN and another five for bottled FUCKING tap water - and then FUCKING sit THERE ALL SHIT EATING GRIN FUCKING SMUGLY at your little FUCKING tables and pontificate loudly, lamenting the prices of Fair Trade coffee beans and sanctimoniously FUCKING blathering endlessly on how you reduced your carbon fucking footprints by buying FUCKING carbon FUCKING credits and are saving FUCKING trees by only wiping your pellet shooting asses once a FUCKING day, and then you leave your FUCKING table full of all your FUCKING biodegradable FUCKING TRASH for some poor FUCKING soul to pick up after your sorry FUCKING ASSES while not leaving a FUCKING TIP after having spent for lunch what those people earn in a day picking up after your FUCKING shit, despite the fact that the FUCKINGMNOTHERFUCKING trash can is 6 FUCKING feet away: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING SELF INVOLVED FUCKING GRASS GNAWING FUCKGOATS.

The FUCKING world isnt your FUCKING toilet, FUCKSPROUTS and just because you lament your FUCKING FLATULENCE because youre trying to reduce FUCKING greenhouse gasses and you eat FUCKING compost doesnt give you the right to be inconsiderate FUCKING SLOBBISH VEGGIE ECONAZI FUCKPIGS. Here's a FUCKING TIP FOR YOU, YOU FUCKS: GO AND GET YOURSELF A BAG OF PEDIGREE LARGE BREED DRY FUCKING DOG FOOD AS ITS THE SAME FUCKING SHIT AS YOUR PRETENTIOUS FUCKING FIFTEEN FUCKING DOLLAR FUCKING SALAD, YOU FUCKING ECOTWITS. AND DO US ALL A FAVOR, GNAW YOUR FUCKING "FOOD" WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS CLOSED, IF WE WANTED TO SEE GOATS EATING WE'D GO TO A FUCKING STATE FUCKING FAIR, FUCKING FUCKHEADED FUCKCAKES.

For Jeff S:

Whose request target - the Democratic "leadership" - could have me writing in caps until November 2008:

To Nancy "Stretch" Pelosi: How many FUCKING plastic FUCKING surgeries have you FUCKING had? Isnt it enough that everytime you open your FUCKING mouth YOUR ASS TWITCHES? FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOMAN, YOU CAN HAVE A FUCKING MILLION FUCKING TUCKS, YOUR LOOKS WONT IMPROVE ONE FUCKING BIT, unless, of course, YOUR AIM IS TO PLAY DUELING FUCKING BANJOS WITH YOUR FUCKING FACE.

To John "Treason is my middle name" Murtha: WATCH YOUR SIX, MOTHERFUCKER. SEMPER FUCKING FI!

To Ted "Cutty Sark" Kennedy : FUUUUUUCCCCK - HIC - YOUUUUUUUUU.

To John "Where's my FUCKING hairspray" Edwards (And with my sincerest apologies to those here in his profession): FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING LAWYER.

To Barrack " I swear no oaths" Obama: YEAH, BOMB FUCKING PAKISTAN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

To Hillary "I cant stand the smell of cigars" Clinton: Did you really go to FUCKING CUBA TO FUCKING CUT FUCKING SUGAR FUCKING CANE IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES? AND SERIOUSLY, DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU HAVE FUCKING TESTICLES? And what about all that campaign finance legal FUCKING MUMBOFUCKINGJUMBO? Just because you add a little southern drawl when youre up on them thar podiums spewing FUCKING BULLSHIT LEFT AND RIGHT, DOESNT MEAN WE DONT SEE YOU FOR THE FUCKING CROOKED SPECIAL INTEREST LYING SACK OF FUCKING SHIT HYPOCRITE SOCIALIST TAKE MONEY FROM PONZI SCHEMERS FUCKING SHOVE HEALTHCARE UP EVERYONE'S ASSES FUCKING COMMIE PINKO SHIT FUCK YOU ARE.

I am humbled in the presence of greatness.

Oh my god, anyone who doesn't think those are things of fucking beauty can fuck the fuckityfuckfuck off.

and really, those sanctifuckingmonious eco fuck nuts can fuck off at their organolepic fuckological cafes with a heaping plate of poison sumac dusted twatwaffles.

First time on the ffo thread. Mine is a sports Fuck Off. Mets fans do not take offense my beef is not with you, your team however can FUCK OFF. You bastards have made fun of Jimmy Rollins all season for his "we are the team to beat" comment in spring training well well well who are you tied with now MOTHERFUKERS! Thats right the Phightin'Phillies and FUCKING MVP Canidate Phuckin' Jimmy Phuckin' Rollins.
Billy I can't get nobody out Wagner can especially fuck off with knobby cheese covered bats.

Welcome aboard, Bill! That's a pretty damned good Fuck Off for a greenhorn!

I bow before the FFO master, who makes my own petty struggles seem pointless by contrast.

Bravo, Val! BRAVO!!! I always did think that Pelosi was an asshat, and now I see that there is physical proof towards that.

Joni Mitchell can fuck off and die with nicotine-stained cheeseknnobs. I don't see any actual damage done her by Catholics, or for that matter by patriots or soldiers. in fact, it's thanks to all of them that she's not tring to rasp ourt her dreck through a veil. What the soldiers are doing today (American ones, not even her own country) to protect her, our Catholic ancestors did at Lepanto and Vienna. Without the "lousy leadership" and "mass destruction," Joni baby, you'd have been stoned literally long before the sixties made it figurative.

On the other hand, her fucking hippy-dippy crowd has left an entire generation with no ideals whatsoever, because our stomachs have been soured by their fake sermons and tunnel-vision rantings. Much of which came from songs like Joni's, in musical fits of societal masturbaton. So fuck Joni Mitchell.

A person I have to deal with - I will not say in what capacity, to keep a little anonymity - who is seriously in the running for the title of Most Annoying Woman in the Universe - can fuck off.

The evidence I present:

1. She Can. Not. Shut. Up. You know the old story about how sharks have to keep swimming or they will die? Well, with this woman, it is that she has to keep flappin' her lips or else she'll die. Or she thinks she will. And it's the most irritating, stupid, mindless, non-sequiter drivel you ever heard. NO I don't care about your second cousin's pregnancy. NO I don't want to hear about the soap operas you watch. NO I don't want to know what you drank last night, and what color it was when you vomited it up in the toilet at 2 am.

2. She is one of those people who thinks she can change a light bulb by holding it up and letting the world revolve around her. This is someone whose happiness....no, whose merest WHIM....must displace the needs of the larger group.

3. She is rude. Rude to everyone around her. Oh, I'm sure that given #2 she doesn't see that she's being rude, she thinks she's just showing the rest of the world what they need to do in order to serve her correctly. But it just makes me want to squish her head.

So, those three things together make for one person I never, ever want to have to deal with again if I can avoid it: Yappy Entitled Rude woman, please fuck off with the universal remote you use to watch your "stories." And your constantly-ringing cell phone. And with a ball-gag in your mouth (hah, bet you thought I didn't know what that was) so we don't have to LISTEN to you for at least five minutes.

There. Now I feel better.

And while The Master™ is here, I find that I must add a new FFOT rant, though it will pale besides the greatness displayed today......

A hearty, sincere, and hugely deserved FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK OFF to that division downstairs that just finished telling the CEO how they want to pull one of the SMALLEST FUCKING programs (and associated funding) from my office without A SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT as to the ramifications of their TWAT BRAINED idea to ANYTHING what-so-fucking-ever.

Ignore the employees already doing the work, ignore the fact that your division is already overloaded in other programs, ignore the reason for the fucking program in the first place. JUST FUCKING WELL RAPE AND PILLAGE THE ORGANIZATION SO AS TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE TERRORITORY TO PISS A CIRCLE AROUND EVERY MORNING, YOU ASSHAT WEARING SLICES OF FLAMING ASSPIE!!!!!!

Oh, and ignore the fact that WE ARE FUCKING WELL ALREADY PAYING YOUR PEOPLE TO DO 60% OF THE FUCKING WORK. This is called "Team Work", asswipe. DON'T USE IT AS A FUCING EXCUSE TO RIP OFF THE ENTIRE PROGRAM WITHOUT AT LEAST OFFERING SOMETHING IN RETURN.

The good news is that I didn't sit in on the meeting, my boss did, and described your pathetic actions to me. And described how the CEO handed your fucking pathetic, incompetent, selfish, self-centered bureaucratic ass back to you on a silver platter, sliced and diced for lunch. YOU AND YOUR FLYING MONKEYS FUCKING WELL DESERVED EVERY CUT, CHOP, AND HACK FOR BEING THE ASS MUNCHING NUMBSKULLS MASQUERADING AS PROFESSIONALS.

If I had been in that meeting, I'd have taken that silver platter of sliced and diced asspie, thrown into a pot, and made asspie soup for the entire fucking organization.

But I must thank you.....you just demonstrated, in full and living Technicolor, what I've been saying to my boss for the last year: THERE IS A REASON WHY I DON'T TRUST YOUR FUCKING FLYING CIRCUS ANY FURTHER THAN I CAN THROW TED FUCKING KENNEDY. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE AND TAKE, ONLY HOW TO FUCKING TAKE.

So, the next time you bring your sorry, pathetic flaming asshats up to my desk, and demand service, I am going to smile and ask, "Would you like some bread to go with your soup?"

For Nightfly:

To the Fucking Miracleless Mets who've had command of the NL east standings since May 16 and who've gotten all of their fans all excited all FUCKING season because they were finally, finally, FUCKING FINALLY going to FUCKING make it to the FUCKING post-season without making us FUCKING sweat our FUCKING asses off on the FUCKING EDGES OF OUR FUCKING SEATS and who are now tied for FUCKING first place with the PATHETIC FUCKING FILLYS, and who have FUCKING FORGOTTEN how to FUCKING PLAY FUCKING BASEBALL and instead look like the FUCKING BAD NEWS FUCKING BEARS on the FUCKING FIELD, having lost a FUCKING SLEW OF MOTHERFUCKING games in a FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING ROW: FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING CHOKING SORRY ASS FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FLY SWATTERS. TRY PLAYING SOME GOOD OLE, PLAIN OLE, FUCKING FUNDAMENTAL FUCKING BASEBALL AND NOT GO DOWN WITH THREE pathetic, measely FUCKING HITS IN NINE FUCKING INNINGS. THIS AINT NO FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FARM FUCKING LEAGUE, FUCKCAPS. GET YOUR FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING ACTS FUCKING TOGETHER AND REMEMBER HOW TO FIELD, BAT AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FUCKING PITCH THE BALL SO THE OPPOSITE TEAM DOESNT SEND THEM FLYING OUT TO BUMFUCKINGBUMFUCK EGYPT. YOU WONT GET FREQUENT FUCKING FLYER MILES FOR EVERY FUCKING HOME RUN HIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING PARK BY THE OPPOSING FUCKING TEAM, FUCKMITTS. GET WITH THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PROGRAM AND PLAY SOME FUCKING BASEFUCKINGBALL, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Wow, Phillies love AND hate on the same thread. I feel right at home! (And can I say the word "FUCKMITTS" almost sounds cute???)

First off, Val, great idea and fantastic work. (Should we call those FUCKOFFsets?) If my cousin hadn't already hit me up for the same charity (her walk's in Boston) I would be participating as well. Someone close to me has been dealing with CLL for years--chronic isn't as bad as acute, but it still scares me.

Food allergies can fuck off. It's been 7 years since I figured them out (after 15 years of mysterious misery--yeah, lousy childhood) and I'm tired of dealing with them. I'm tired of people being aware of them and either giving me a hard time, dismissing them outright or just forgetting. Like being left out when it's time for birthday cake at the office and then getting asked a million times why I'm not having a piece of cake. Or lunch is ordered in, and it's pizza. And I'm not one of those sensitive people who demand to be accommodated--usually if someone invites me for dinner or a party, I offer to make something; that way I'm guaranteed something I can eat, and usually it's something everybody else likes, too (no weird sprouts soup or anything). But just for once I'd like to be "normal" (whatever that is) and not have my face or my bronchi swell up if I get to have that long-missed piece of tiramisu.

And Ricki and I must know the same people. Or else it's in the water.

P.S. Emily, you are missed--and Ken thanks for covering (and remembering to do it)!

for Bingley:

I think Bingleyts will have to be in two parts , being that his target was "politicians".

part one, poetic:

The FUCK not Taken

Two politicians diverged in a FUCKING debate
and sorry I could FUCKING slap them both
and listened to one as much as I FUCKING could
until he promised to FUCK my healthcare

then voted for the other FUCK
and having perhaps been FUCKED again
because he was glossy with FUCKING perfect hair
though as for that, their FUCKEDNESS
had FUCKED us really about the same

and both that morning equally lied
in BULLSHIT no earplugs could hold back.
Oh, I kept the first for another FUCK
yet knowing how much we're FUCKED
I doubted if I should ever be UNFUCKED

I shall be telling this with a FUCKING sigh;
somewhere, FUCKING Novembers and Novembers hence
two MOTHERFUCKERS at a FUCKING ballot box and I
I got FUCKED not once but TWICE
and those MOTHERFUCKERS are no different.

"Fuck-off sets" is brilliant, Kate. And thank you, Val. I feel like I owe you a beer and a steak after that.

Really, it's at the point now where I see they got three-hit by the Cardinals and say to myself, "Well, at least they didn't blow another four run lead."

Cancer in infants can fuck the fuck off. Baby Ethan needs your prayers -- his latest treatment hasn't defeated the leukemia. The doctors are fast running out of options.

Fuck.

I guess I can fuck off with my stoopid linking skills.

It's www.ethanpowell.com. You can click on "Updates" to read the latest.

All Britney-related news; FUCK OFF.
All Paris-related news; FUCK OFF.
All Lindsey-related news; FUCK OFF.

I love gossip. But for fuck's sake, I don't want to hear any more about these slags.

Val, words fail.

That will be on my tombstone.

well, 'val, words fail' won't be on my tombstone but his poem will be.

Sweet Jeebus, that was poetry and music and angels with harps and all that shit!

Woo hooooooooo! "Fuckgoats" indeed.

That just drives me nuts when people can, somehow live with themselves, when they dump nearly $20 on lawn shavings and bottled crap from some Third World drainage ditch and call it "lunch" at Whole Foods.

And leave the trash on the table for some hard-working (TAX-PAYING) stranger to clean up when the trash cans are six feet away and not leave a tip. And care more about people they'll never meet or see in some other country who are picking their pretentious fucking coffee beans.

Fuckgoats.

Woo-hooooooo!

Bravissimo forte, señor!

BTW - as an unworthy epilogue, I just heard someone on the call-in sports radio say that the Mets must be doing so poorly because of "all the Mexicans in the stands."

It's the fucking stupidest fucking thing I've heard on call-in radio is many a long fucking year. Even the choking chokity-chokers of chokeness don't deserve a fan like that. Mr. Call-In Guy, Fuck the Fuck Off with cheez knobs and a mile-long wait for the toilet.

Somebody actually said something that utterly stupid?

Holy crap.

Yeah, what a fucktard, 'fly.

I mean, there's a guy in my office who's going to the game today and he's a colombian, fer fuck's sake!

Mexicans in the stands? People actually say that shit?

I'm sure that's the reason. Carry on, Mr. Room Temperature IQ.

That still boggles my mind that he could say something that fucking stupid.

It's obviously the Irish.

More precisely, he said that he'd been going to games for forty years, and had never seen so many Mexicans in the stands before, and that must be why they're doing so poorly. I think he might have been implying that the problem rests with all the Latin players the Mets have... as if Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, and Moises Alou weren't three of their four best players. (And Martinez and Perez two of their three best pitchers.

It was astounding in any case.

Joel, I try (and fail) to separate artists from their politics -- pretty soon I'll be down to Pat Boone and the US Marine Corps Band. Can you please explain the context of your rant against Joni Mitchell and ruin my day? Thanks.

Hey, that is what makes LA Dodger games so effing fun... All of the "Mexicans in the stands". If it wasn't for the Hispanic ancestored people, there probably would not be any people in the stands...

Oh, and fuck the fuck off to students that think I am bullshitting them when I ask them all to bring their textbooks each and every day to class. I even tried to make it funny by telling them that they should bring it to class every day that ends in a "y". Only about half of them got the joke, the other half had to think about it and then ask a stupid question...

Sorry, Pitbull. I thought I had linked it, but I was in a hurry and must have forgotten. The Fox story is here, and I posted a rant here that I wish I could take credit for.

Belated thanks for the compliment, 'Fly. Every once in a while something works!

FU to Hofstra U. The most evilly ironic faculty hiring position since Hogwarts took on Dolores Umbridge to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts.