Thanks for the shout out, lovely.

And major Fuck Off With Knobs On to the fucking arsonists and looters. There ain't a corner of Hell hot enough for these filthy fucks.

Major fuck-off: to the arsonists. I hope they catch you. I hope they send you to the stateside equivalent of Gitmo and that you become the toy of some very hairy guy (if you're male) or some very hairy woman (if you're female). I hope they can successfully argue that you're guilty of murder because people died in the fires - and because people died in other fires because the firefighters were occupied putting out your handiwork.

A smaller, but not much, fuck-off to looters. You are human scum. I hope that if you went in and stole whatever-it-was - be it family treasures or even an easily-replaced tv - from a family who had to flee - I hope that it winds up seriously burning you. I hope you get caught and sent to the cell next door to the arsonist.

A minor fuck-off to the talking-head-celebrity types who have to flap their gums so soon after the tragedy. It's in extremely poor taste to talk about how it's "Mother Earth getting us back for raping her" or whateverthehell you're saying as families are heading back to the charred remains of their homes and trying to figure out where to go from here. The Golden Rule applies to you, too: would you appreciate it, if your house burned down, and some random person walked up to you and said, "Ha-ha! Mama Gaia got revenge!" I don't think so.

I'm finding this is one of those situations where I have to avoid the punditry (hah...first I wrote "pundirtry") and limit my exposure to the news. 'Cos some of the stuff that people are saying is starting to seriously piss me off.

Ricki,
Oh, the celebrities yapping their gums piss me off. Jamie Lee Curtis, Halle Berry, George Carlin...fuck off. Don't get all self-righteous because your undoubtedly oversized piece of the pie isn't in the path of the fire. Give me a break. All these people are doing is criticizing others for wanting the same things that they have. That takes some bloody fucking nerve.

If Prometheus hadn't stolen fire from Olympus, California would be less scorchier.

Oh, and six hundred and sixty-six FO's to the birthday girl.

George Carlin can fuckitty-fuck the fuck off with all seven of his little words, with a cheese-dipped HBO satellite tower firmly lodged in his tuchis - broad end first.

One Guilllermo Habacuc Vargas can fuckitty-fuck the fuck off with every dog in creation knawing his bones, renewed each morning like Prometheus so he can starve to death all over again every evening.

Cancer in kids can ultra fuckitty-fuck the fuck off, because it can't be said enough. Fuck you, cancer.

Is this what earned the complaint against Carlin?

Alan,
Yup. "They got what was coming to them." The nerve of those people, wanting to live in homes...

I can't stand people like Carlin who assume that every folly and fault of humankind is the result of the behavior of everyone but himself. Asshole.

First, FUCK OFF to arsonists. Just fuck you with a great ball of firey fuck.

Then, fuck off to the environmental groups that make it difficult to mitigate the circumstances leading up to these fires. A little controlled burning helps cut back on this shit.

Cullen,
That's another thing about these types of fires that pisses me off. Those "don't fuck with nature" idiots who think controlled fires are some sort of abomination against Mother Gaia. Well, morons, as you can see from the last week, if we don't take care of it, nature will do it on its own.

Assplugs.

Yeah, those fires can totally fuck off. I'd like to heap double the fuckoffs on arsonists and copycat arsonists. How can it not register with you that you could harm or kill other people and take away everything they have? Even if you have a mental disorder/compulsion--cripes, you've got to be conscious on some level it's not right--get help. In this day and age, nobody's going to stone or shun you.

(Really sorry about what happened, Julie, and Ken, your bro and his compadres are awesome.)

All this J.Lo-pregnancy stuff can fuck off. If I have to spend the next year hearing about how radiant earth-motherly she looks or how much weight she's gained or how she's decorating her nursery and naming the kid Lunamaria or something else weird, and all that other goofy nonsense, I'm going to cancel my cable and bury my face in Cooking Light at the supermarket checkout.

I have dealt with some of those "ooooh, prescribed burns BAD" people. They don't understand it at all. Look - fire happened before we were here. If we keep fire from happening now, and if we disallow people from CLEARING BRUSH CLOSE TO THEIR HOUSES, of COURSE we're going to get giant bad fires. It's happened before. You can't just wish away an effect because you don't want to believe in the cause-and-effect link.

It pisses me off because sometimes people who take that attitude portray themselves as conservationists. Please. The real, actually-trained-and-actually-have-got-their-boots-dirty-and actually-understand-nature conservationists, almost to a person, are in favor of controlled burns. It's not "messing with nature" - it's trying to help nature do what it did before we started living in those areas, but do it in such a way that it doesn't harm people or burn down houses.

I dunno. I have little patience for the people who want everything to be "all-natural" without human intervention. Ya seen cholera, friend? Seen what aflatoxins in peanuts and corn can do? Seen someone who contracted polio because they weren't vaccinated?

I'll take a little human technological intervention, thanks.

I especially get bugged by people who buy the whole "ALL-NATURAL!" selling point as being an indicator of quality or value. You know what else is all-natural? Snake venom. Poisonous mushrooms. The bubonic plague. Just because something is "all-natural" does not automatically mean it is good for you.

Trista Sutter can fuck off.

You really shouldn't appear in print saying 116 pounds and a size 4 is "fat" and "disgusting," sweetie. You know who buys USMagazine? Women -- 99% of whom, after giving birth, would KILL to be 116 pounds and a size 4. Now everyone hates you. So much for being "America's Sweetheart."

I'll take a little human technological intervention, thanks.

The stupid thing is, unless these characters are living in a wilderness, sleeping on the ground, and eating nuts & berries, they are dependent on human technological intervention. "Organically grown" food is a joke, save for that small percentage of people who have allergic reactions to processed food....and assuming that "organic" is not another way of saying "Hey, we didn't use that much pesticide!"

It's all that touchie-feelie approach many people embrace today. "Ooooh, I feel so guilty about existing, so I have to do something stupid and meaningless in order to justify my conntinued use of technology so that I can live without resorting to sleeping in a cave!"

Those fucking idiots can fuck off with a cheese encrusted remote control.

OOH those crunchy granola fuckers who are against controlled burns because it "destroys natural habitats" can fuck off and die with their own ballsacks tied around their necks. Hypocritical fucks. Let me get this straight: it's not okay to set a fire that will save people's lives and property by clearing brush, but it's TOTALLY FUCKING KOSHER to destroy natural habitats by clearing the space with a FUCKING BULLDOZER and building a WHOLE FUCKING SUBDIVISION? Eat shit and die you selfish NIMBY fuckhole.

And while we're on the subject of clearing brush, FOAD with rotten ass knobs to the fucking lazy assholes who can't be fucking bothered to cut down the brush and trees around their houses and then have the balls to whine about losing their houses. THERE'S A GOOD FUCKING REASON WHY THE FOREST SERVICE AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT ASK YOU MAINTAIN A CLEARANCE, DICKWAD, so don't fucking whine at me that there weren't enough firefighters to save your house. They went to save the house of your non-cocksucking neighbors who actually gave a shit and got off their asses and cleared out the brush. Trees are pretty, sure, but would you rather have trees or a house with all your stuff safe in it?

And finally, any celebrity who says ANYTHING other than "What happened is a tragedy, my heart goes out to the people who lost their homes, and I am donating to help" or "The firefighters rock" deserves to be assplowed by sasquatch on a rocket bike.

Get off it, dickwad, you are not important, and if you somehow manage to get back in your super-mansion intact, it's probably a better use of your breath to get down on your knees and thank your maker for your blessings instead of sticking your foot in your fucking mouth.

don't get me started on the arsonists....

"assplowed by sasquatch on a rocket bike."

CTG, I think you win it for this week. That image made me LOL.

Oh, wow, CTG. DING DING DING! You win! Sweet!

You know who else can fuck off? The cow fucker newsreaders and the pigfuckers in the field. The ones who are traipsing about in the charred wreckage and remains of peoples' homes and interviewing those who have just lost everything. Of course there are those people who are angling to get on national television, but they are the rare ones and the news shits avoid them.

And then there are people who have just lost EVERYTHING. And the news vultures swoop down on them while they're in tears and talk to them, shoving cameras in their faces for reaction shots. Sickening. The worst fucking lump of excrement was this shitbird on CNN last night who was bending the fuck over stuffing his microphone in the face of a CRYING CHILD and asking HIM HOW IT FELT TO LOSE HIS HOME. What a RUSTY FUCK. I was seriously waiting for that windbag to ask him if his puppy died, too. Ratfuck intrepid field reporter.

Yeah, Lisa. Trista, toots? Go get fucked. How that simpleton husband of yours, simple and seemingly sweet as he is, puts up with your shrill, moronic idiocy is beyond me. That kid of yours will no doubt have a taste for neurotic, skinny, pink-Cinderella-Barbie-esque bimbos, no-talent, falsely-entitled blondes, too. And you'll make him miserable by eating them for lunch. Aren't we supposed to make the next generation better? Isn't it supposed to be all about your kid and not about you for the first, oh, say, at least YEAR? I guess not, if you're a fucking NARCISSIST. Fuck off, toots.

Dude,
CTG - that was a positively Valesque FFO. A masterpiece.

I think Caltechgirl covered it! And Susanna--I don't know how somebody could do that to a kid. Not even if you're on CNN. There's no reason to think anybody watching could possibly want a grieving child to analyze his/her losses on national television. Draw the line somewhere, dude.

Yeah, Susanna...the other night, I was watching a report about the fires where the anchors were warning lookey-loos to stay away because they're just hindering the efforts of the firefighters. Which was true enough, but all I could think is "well, sweet-ums, how are you and your crew and all of your equipment not HINDERING their efforts as well?"

And I cannot believe someone would manipulate and emotionally upset child after something like this. That person is SCUM. Any of the "how do you feel" lot are, too. "GEE, Bobby Broadcaster, it feels wonderful to lose the roof over your head! Fuck the clean-up and trying to put our life back together. I'm taking the whole fucking family to Six Flags to celebrate!"

How the fuck do you THINK THEY FEEL, ASSHOLE?

And the poor little guy sort of shuffled away and went to go hug his crying mother. It was really sickening.

Sickening how the intrepid field ratfuck was feigning the ultimate faux-concern. And their producers egg them on, "Nice work, Dillweed. Now see if you can get a MORE poignant reaction shot and maybe a shot of some burned mementos.. and maybe a pregnant pause and some crocodile tears."

There are no words.

Susanna, you made ME laugh. "RUSTY FUCK" ha!

"Assplowed by Sasquatch" = Best thrash metal band name ever. You are made of win, CTG.

Someone, I can't remember where, commented on their blog that something "smelled like liquid awesome." I think the Sasquatch comment IS "liquid awesome."

I know I'm late in posting this, but it's been a Day From Hell (you know it's a bad day when you're so busy, your boss emails you a schedule of what to work on when). But I have a looong list so... (cracks knuckles)
Fuck the Fuck OFF to:

-A friend's father -- we'll call him JD. Last weekend, four of us were sitting down to eat steaks JD had cooked. Before he even set the platter on the table, JD grabbed the best (read: the only decent), thickest steak for himself. Of course, I made a crack about him being a pig, because, at least where I come from, not only do you wait until the platter is actually ON the TABLE, you wait until everyone sits down, and then you offer the food to the LADIES FIRST.
Four days later, I was chastised by my friend because JD was raised in the "Deep South" (wherever the fuck that is), and where he comes from, the men are served FIRST, and WOMEN eat AFTER the men are served.
(Me: WHAT THE FUCK??? What CENTURY was he raised in?? That's barbaric! No fucking way am I going to be treated like a 2nd class citizen. I'm buying my OWN steak next time!)
So much for the phrase "Southern Gentleman".
So, JD, FUCK THE FUCKITY FUCK OFF WITH GRIZZLED KNOBS of the shoeleather you called steak.

Second: Fuck off to FIRE, wild and otherwise. Nuf said.

Third: Fuck the FUCK FUCK OFF to cancer, that took the life of a sales manager this week. Six weeks ago, he went to the doctor because he wasn't feeling well. Prognosis: end stage cancer, metastasized to the point that the only thing they could do was make him comfortable. FUCK YOU CANCER!! You took a gentleman and a gentle man.

Fourth: Just for the hell of it, FUCK OFF to the SUV driver this morning who has the license plate "I AM VIP".
(Me: WHO SAYS?)
It takes some brass cojones to have that on a license plate, buddy. You ain't shit, IMHO. And, you can't drive worth a damn. (It's called a TURN SIGNAL... you use BEFORE you change lanes, not once you're in the lane.)

FINALLY: Fuck off to me, for forgetting, in the span of, oh, ten minutes tonight, that I was roasting almonds.
(Me: "What's that burning smell?... SHIT!")
Five bucks worth of little black slivers of carbon dumped into the trash.
That's the problem with living alone: you can't blame it on anyone else (like the dog and cats, who don't have opposable thumbs.)

OK, that's it. Thanks for listening.

p.s. Forgot... thanks Emily, for your love and concern. If you want to see a photo of my sister's ex-house, it's at www.pe.com > Alert > Photos: Gallery #4 > number 16. The fireman on the far right is standing on what used to be their foundation. That's their red chimney. Sigh.

Fuck off to Julie's rotten-ass week and all the shit she's had to deal with. Hugs!

Julie,
I hope the weekend cures your woes from that shit.

As for your friend chastizing you, that person can fuck off. Sorry, I know this is a friend of yours, but please...I don't give a shit where someone was raised. The words "When in Rome" apply to everyone equally. I don't care how they do things where you USED to live. You are obliged to abide by the customs and manners of the place where you currently reside. Some things are more subtle and may take time to get used to, but I can't imagine any place where grabbing food off of a plate before it's even been put on the table without first offering to serve everyone else, ladies or otherwise, is fucking rude EVERYWHERE. I was born in the Deep South and sorry, but I never once ate at a table where JD's behavior would be considered acceptable.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, given how much I adore Julie, but...

Yeah, "JD" was a selfish fuck for taking the steak, and he was an arrogant prick for having his son chastise you.

On the other hand, if they were steaks he cooked, and (now, this part isn't clear) bought and served to you in his home, calling him a pig out loud for his behavior? In his own home? In front of other people? Not much better.