it comes in pints?

Food poisoning can indeed fuck off.

So can Saudi Arabia.

So can Tennesse crackers who threaten to pour good whiskey down the drain.

WTF with the food poisoning? I went home from work sick TOO, yesterday. And so did my mom...

FTFO food poisoning, especially those shitty Noro viruses that keep on giving as you re-infect yourself over and over again no matter how much you wash your hands.

FTFO to me for being sick on hubby's birthday. He threw ME a surprise party last week, and I could barely manage to get to Target and grab him a video game and a card before I passed out on the couch while he was playing it.

Yeah, those wasteful bastards in Tennessee can just fuck right off on the rocks. There's the law, and then there's good whiskey. Get your priorities straight, people!

Those cowards in Olympia can fuck off and die, with knobby cheese. Yes, I said cowards. They sit in front of trucks that they know won't run over them, to show their loathing for soldiers who confront enemies they know will shoot them. If they thought there was even the slightest chance the trucks would just roll over their worthless carcasses, they'd be as far from the port as their pasty-white legs could carry them. As it is, they snivel about how their "right" to protest is being compromised when the police remove them gently.

If they had the balls to risk their lives for what they believe, the way the soldiers are risking theirs, it'd be different. But the most risk they take is scraping a hole in the ass-end of their pants when the police have to haul them out of the street. Pussies.

"There's the law, and then there's good whiskey"

[wipes a tear from his eye] That's beautiful, Joel.

I agree, food poisoning can FTFO. :-(

Joel, didja see the videos of those Olympia peace cretins? God, I have never seen a larger collection of fucking asspie munching buffoons in my entire life. And the REALLY silly part is, the Stryker brigade is RETURNING from Iraq. Just what the fuckity fucking fuck are those fucking closet assclowns protesting? (And thanks to SondraK for covering their idiocy.)

The pathetic part is that those idots are using CHILDREN as "human shields". Low life, asshat wearing, brainless fucking COWARDS is too right. I'd like to check out that less-than-lethal ammunition I picked up for my Mossberg 500 on them. Not the children, I have better aim than that.

On a lighter note, nipple eating butterheads can fuck off while singing under a waterfall for causing that phrase to bounce around inside my skull. An extended bender may not necessary after all, I found that a random selection of Alan Parson songs seems to have helped.....but it took me a while to crawl to my iPod.

Blithering idiots who can't drive, can FTFO.

It is the PASSING LANE. There are big ol' signs saying "KEEP RIGHT UNLESS PASSING" in frickin foot-high letters - so if you're not on the right, you should be... wait for it... PASSING SLOWER CARS! How is this so frickin' complicated for your amoebic little brains? GO FASTER, dipwad. Then MOVE BACK OVER. Don't cut off faster traffic and then putter along, like you were shuffling in your own flippin' kitchen, wearing slippers and wondering where you left the remote. Driving is a PARTICIPATION sport, NOT a cable channel.

And even worse are the STUMP-BRAINED, CLUE-DEPRIVED hat props who fly up behind you in the right lane and then STAY THERE. Again, I invite you to CONSULT THE SIGNS. It's not like you can't see them WITH YOUR HI-BEAMS ON, so I can only guess that you CAN'T READ. OR THINK. If you want to go FASTER, then PASS ME - I'm not going to do 90 just because you want someone else in front of you to get busted by the cops. I am not as stupid as you are. There's a WHOLE LANE immediately beside you. The contents of MY TRUNK are NOT YOUR BUSINESS. You can go fuck yourself with your penis-substitute SUVs and cheese-encrusted, non-functioning blinkers, in the fucking rain (yeah, did I mention it was FUCKING RAINING?). Go crash into something that WON'T DIE WITH YOU, you inconsiderate flick of toadspittle.

Driving is a PARTICIPATION sport, NOT a cable channel.

That is absolute FFOT genius. Although I would have added some oompph:

Drinving is a FUCKING participation sport, you FUCKING FUCK, not a FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING cable channel, FUCKSPITTLE.

Thanks Val - but you've raised the bar on oomph so high, my friend, I couldn't fly the space shuttle over it. My only choice is to coin some new phrases and leave the adjectivity to you. =)

The good news: Baby Lauren's cancer is fucking off!!

She had an exam before her second round of chemo yesterday. The doctors had hoped that the tumor would at least stop growing. Well, it's not only stopped growing, it has shrunk by one third! It's now small enough that they can laser it without risking damage to the optic nerve. She still was given the second round of chemo, to treat the cancer cells that aren't affected by the heat of the laser, but the prognosis is very very good at this point. Thanks SO much for your prayers! And cancer: you keep fucking off!!

Val & 'Fly's collaboration produced the term "fuckspittle." Loving it.

Food poisoning can FTFO and leave Emily alone. Hope you feel better soon, Emily!

I have a heavy-duty FO but I can't even begin to start it now. (Do you take reservations?)

That's awesome news, Julie--I was praying for Lauren yesterday and wondering how she was doing. FTFO, cancer!!!

Awesome doesn't even begin to describe it! GO LAUREN!

CCFOAD once again! And the sneering fuckwits who think they've proven that this can't happenbecause it doesn't fit their two-dimensional worldview can fuck off with tumor-ridden optic nerves!

The_Real_JeffS and nightfly are poets today! They reminded of caltechgirl's juggernaut of late October, wherein she suggested that arsonists ought to be "assplowed by Sasquatch on a motorbike."

All of these fuck-offs inspired me to whistle crackers and snork my beverage out of my nose, thereby soiling my keyboard.

Praise Whomever for healing babies! And may cancer continue to fuck itself!

Julie,
That is WONDERFUL news! Hooray!

Joel,
Some of those people are so shrouded in their own self-righteousness that they don't even realize they come off just as obnoxious as aggressive missionary Christians that stop you in the street. I do my best to ignore them.

And Angelina Jolie can fuck off. I'm sick of seeing her fucking face wherever I turn. It's bad enough I can't buy a fucking quart of milk without having to read the sordid details of her life, but now I can't even go and see Beouwulf because I'd have to tolerate how ever long of her making that same fucking "DO ME" expression. Ugh.

Oh, Saint Angie? Yes fuck her and her UN bullshit and her Mia Farrow complex. Who is going to play Soon-Yi in this monkeyfuck? Perhaps she hasn't been adopted yet...

The wings are going to come off of that plane some day. You don't simply "uncrazy" yourself all of a sudden one day. She's carnie folk through and through, and crazier-than-a-rat-in-a-tin-shithouse crazy, too. Were she truly child-centered and unselfish she wouldn't overextend herself. I hear the twig getting ready to snap.

Like a friend of mine recently said, there are people who are charitable for the sake of charity and people who are charitable for the sake of their image - the kind of people who can't give unless the whole world knows it. You'll notice how Angie's saint complex didn't really kick in until she was in danger of looking like a homewrecker? Not only that, if she was truly child-centered, she wouldn't be 1) using her kids for photo ops like they were fashion accessories on parade and 2) appearing in every other movie currently at the box office after insisting she was going to stop working to spend more time with her kids.

And look at me? I don't even fucking READ celebrity gossip magazines, yet I know this useless shit. GO AWAY, St. Angie.

Amen to that, Emily.

Here's another useless twatwaffle who should fuck off and fly an extra large metal-framed kite in an electrical storm, and take her asshole parents and the CA legal system who favors Hollywood assholes along for the experience: Lohan. And her 84 minutes in jail.

84 FUCKING MINUTES for 2 DUIs, 2 counts of possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility, driving on a suspended license, drinking underage and fleeing the scene of an accident. And that's all she FUCKING GOT CAUGHT DOING.

Went in at 10:30am. Released at 11:54am. AND SHE STILL HAS HER FUCKING DRIVER'S LICENSE! WTF?!

But she did make "Herbie Fully Loaded." So there's that.

Susanna, that was a beautiful thing. Thank goodness I put down my soda.

And hurray for Lauren! Cancer can keep on fucking off! Thanks for the great news, Julie.

But she did make "Herbie Fully Loaded."

Susanna, are you sure you put the quotes in the right place?

Susanna, I think that should read "But she did Herbie Fully Loaded". A lot closer to the truth, even if Herbie is a car.

Great news, Julie! Keep on fucking off, cancer!!!!

Even a Volkswagen has a dipstick.

Viruses that make 2-year-olds throw up all over you, TWICE, can fuck the fucking fuckety fuck right fucking off.

Ooh, Sous. Been there. My condolences, man.

Viruses that make 2-year-olds throw up all over you, TWICE, can fuck the fucking fuckety fuck right fucking off.

Been there, done that, replaced the T-shirt.

There doesn't need to be any particular recent reason for adding Angelina to the list in any given week. Anyone who buys babies for publicity gets an automatic lifetime membership to the FO club.

Thanks, guys. The worst part isn't the mess. The worst part is seeing my bright-eyed, playful, sharp-witted, sometimes stubborn but always entertaining little boy turn into a whimpering, listless, out-of-sorts zombie.

Replaced the T-shirt? I thought kids invariably threw up on on their parents' bed so there's massive amounts of bedding to wash on top of everything. (That said--that sucks, Sous! Hope the little one is doing better.)

All right, I'm home and I'm ready to rant. Being (what you think is) very close to finishing your grad school program and then finding that no, you can NOT do student teaching and take classes at the same time, despite the fact you've been led to believe so since the moment you applied, can FUCK OFF. With pencils, books and teachers' dirty looks. Up the ass. Cripes. I got DERAILED by my advisor this week after sending a perfectly innocent e-mail to make sure I was on track to graduate in the spring. She is a total idiot and assumed I knew already. She won't call me by my correct name and she warned me that I was locked out of a course--but if she'd checked my registration she'd have seen I was one of the people making the fucking course fucking full. DUH.

I was counting down the months to quitting my job (thereby making it more bearable) but that will be extended. I have to apply for yet another year of fucking financial aid. Dammit I hate that whole fucking process.

The shock is starting to wear off, and I'm beginning to think somehow this is a cosmic message to slow down and have time for life (esp. an actual social life). But I am furious with the school for not monitoring the program more closely. What good does it do to tell me that they're in the process of hiring a program administrator when I'm almost done and I'm dealing with fallout? No wonder people get frustrated with academia (no offense to those in the field).

[Wistfully] You know, I could handle my little boy being listless for a while. Zombielike? Yeah, that sounds nice. Not permanently, but just for a couple of days.

I can do without the vomiting, though.