it comes in pints?

Agree completely on virus writers. Filthy fucks.

People who steal from a mourning family can fuck off and die.

These are petty in the face of that family's loss (and I reiterate: what kind of screwed-up idiot steals a car parked in front of a funeral home? No one has any respect any more).

But:

1. People with colds who cough and sneeze in others' vicinity without making ANY pretense of covering their nose or mouth can eff off. (I had a student do this to me this morning and I ALMOST said to him, "If I get sick, I'm docking your grade.") Seriously. It doesn't take a lot of effort to even turn your head so you sneeze into your shoulder. Or - here's a thought - if you have a cold, carry some damn Kleenex with you.

2. I know I've said this every semester, but: People who only attend class on exam days and then bitch about the fact that they are failing the class can fuck off. Look, if you don't understand 'cause and effect' you should not be in college. If you don't understand that you have to put effort in to get results out, you should not be in college. Don't make me want to beat my head to a bloody pulp on my desk with your whining about "I never learned anything in your class and it's your fault I'm failing" when you've never even been in the damn classroom!

Narrow minded, arrogant, self-inflated staff pukes can fuck off with cheese encrusted Blackberries. I just read a recommendation report from a supposed supergenius that looks like something I might have written in high school. And it's written for a CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER to approve!

Look, twitterbrain, I understand it because Im aware of the background and your efforts. Coming at someone cold? This will only confoozle them. You want a decision, try to communicate the facts, huh?

And you're a COLLEGE GRADUATE, "hand selected" for your current position? God help us. Given how you work with your team members, I can only imagine the way you dealt with your teachers. ricki, I am sure, has stories galore of fucking asshats like you.

ricki, my sincerest condolences. I don't think that this idiot went to your college, but I'm sure you met more than similar to my archnemesis.

Miserable peabrained yobbos in overly-souped pick-ups can fuck off. If you're that impatient to pass me at 12:30 am, then DO IT. There's a whole empty lane next to us that can fit even your moving eclipse; though perhaps not your ego. In any case, do not tailgate me at the speed limit, and then tailgate me at ten miles over the limit, and then tailgate me more at twenty over. You're lucky I was driving home after a win; if we'd have blown that game I would have gone to twenty UNDER, and we'd still be driving. And then I would have used my goalie stick on YOU. Take your hemi-powered turdmobile and your rampaging compensation issues and kindly report to the nearest cheese encruster for some major fuck the fuck off.

Yeah, it's been a fun motherfucking week around these parts.

Working out of town can fuck off. I know there are worse commutes than 45 minutes, but you have to understand that it's an hour and a half each day with my own thoughts--and it's the scariest hour and a half of my day.

Having nothing but married friends can fuck off. It's not like I'm looking for a polite way to say to people "fuck you for getting married and having kids," but at the same time, do you have to drag the ragamuffins with you?

Not having a girlfriend can fuck off, I guess. That little third wheel thing at a dinner thing? Not a problem, until the waitress gives you the condescending "you'll find somebody" speech as she hands out checks....

That shit was harsh, and uncalled for...

She can fuck off. Yeah, Bertha. Fuck off. Go back to your seven kids and third husband with your Applebee's tip money. I think I'll go relish the sleeping late and the disposable income.

And lastly, the piece of shit off-road truck who ran over the neighbor's dog the other day, while the neighbor and I watched? Then stopped, then sped off? That shit sucked: and you can fuck off and die. Have a little human decency...

Oh, crap, Tommy. That sucks. What an asshole. I hate condescending couples who think that a person can't be happy unless they are attached at the hip to someone else. Especially obnoxious are "friends" who try and set you up because they think you're doomed to die alone if you don't have a date for every frickin' Friday night. Look, I LIKE being single and doing whatever I want without having to clear it through someone else. I HAPPY to have my time to myself. I really wish people that are insecure, emotionally-stunted asspies who cannot content to exist unless they're wearing somebody else's ID bracelet would realize that NOT EVERY OTHER PERSON IS A CLINGY, CO-DEPENDENT MORON WHO HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE UNLESS THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

McDonalds and BK drive thru attendants can FTFO. Is it so FUCKING difficult to read a little FUCKING tv screen that tells you EXACTLY what the FUCK to put in my FUCKING bag and, you know, put that FUCKING SHIT in my FUCKING bag? And how about giving me more than one FUCKING napkin, FUCKNUGGETS? And, seriously, if I ask for salt AND ketchup it probably means that, you know, I want FUCKING SALT AND FUCKING KETCHUP. And please, dont ask me how FUCKING many ketchups I want. If I say I want 7,643 and a half FUCKING KETCHUPS, are you going to stuff 7 FUCKING thousand 643 FUCKING and a FUCKING half ketchups in my FUCKING BAG? It aint FUCKING rocket FUCKING science, fillet-o-fucks. get with the FUCKING FAST FOOD FUCKING PROGRAM.

I don't even know what to call the worthless son fo a bitch responsible for this one.

I just had a call from the local foood bank cooordinator, wanting me to go thhrough thelegal notice archives. Seems this family (seven kids, dad recently off work for an injury) came home and found a foreclosure notice on their door. They're renting, not buying, but it turns out that the guy they've been faithfully paying rent to skipped town and never passed it on to the actual owner, who is now about to lose the place. The food bank lady is checking with a lawyer, but it looks like they'll have to be out before Christmas. And let me tell you, it may not be snowy here, but it's damned cold in the winter.

There's enough deadbeats out there, without honest people who pay their bills gettting fucked over this way. The filthy, stinking, bastard son of a distempered jackal who took the money and left them there can fuck off and die with gobbets of rotting zebra liver!

"New for 2008! The Ford Eclipse! A truck so big it blocks out the sun! Comes with Asshole Option standard, plus optional yellow trim job and giant subwoofer playing music no one likes even at normal volume!"

Seriously, I do not get the tailgating thing. Not gonna make me go ANY faster, and it's really annoying when it's on a highway where there's the option to pass.

And Tommy: I hear you. I am so effing sick of the pity-faces I get for being an unmarried woman over 30. Seriously, if I were so desperate to be annealed to someone? I'd have found someone and stuck to him like a leech.

And it also really sucks about your neighbor's dog. The person who did that was a real turdmuffin.

Joel,
Holy shit! What an awful thing to happen to good people! And at THIS time of year! I hope they manage to sort things out quick enough.

Val,
To be fair, it's probably the owners and not the staff that are stiffing on the napkins. When I worked in fast food, the owners were really serious about us only giving out 2 napkins per customer unless they asked for more. The McDonalds near my house won't even give out ketchup unless you ask for it. They do shit like that to scrimp. It seems like they either don't give it to you, or they dump 57,000 packets in the bag. Isn't there a happy medium there?

Oh, Joel, what an asshole. I hope that slumlord gets what's coming to him, and the family gets to stay in their home. It makes me see red when someone who's playing by the rules gets screwed over by someone who isn't.

ricki,

I know its usually the owners that are the cheap bastards, but man, that shit drives me fucking nuts. Ive actually said "47" when asked how many ketchups. the kid just looked at me dumbfounded, like he had to check the Mickey D's drive through manual for how to deal with the situation.

Joel,

Even if the house is being foreclosed on, dont the people living there have some kind of legal reprieve to allow them to stay there a few weeks? I thought I heard that one could basically stay in a house, even if evicted, for a period of time before they get booted. Either way, that rat bastard motherfucker that ripped them off can go fuck himself.

I am so effing sick of the pity-faces I get for being an unmarried woman over 30. Seriously, if I were so desperate to be annealed to someone? I'd have found someone and stuck to him like a leech.

And a lucky leech he'd be. :)

"Rat bastard motherfucker!" Thanks, Val! That's just the phrase I was looking for. There are several lawyers in town that Peny at the food bank can call who won't charge; it's a small town and nobody wants to be the guy who wouldn't help a charity. But legal remedies take time to go through, and if the sheriff shows up to toss them out, they won't have that time. (I wonder if Peny can convince the sheriff to be too busy to enforce it for a while. I wouldn't be surprised. He's an OK guy and she's well regarded. And it IS a busy time for the cops.)

Joel, that plains sucks; God knows the weather is truly miserable hereabouts. Hopefully the rat bastard motherfucker trips getting out of a hot tub and breaks his neck.

Tommy, the ones that always got me were the people who said, "Stop looking, you'll find someone." Oh really? And, by the way, how exactly do you NOT look for someone? Stare at your feet while you walk around saying a mantra like, "This is me, actively NOT looking for a girlfriend"? Is that how you found your spouse? No? Hmmm. Oh, your friend introduced you? Well, can you introduce me to someone? No? OK, thanks for the advice. It was worth what I paid for it.

OMFG! So much good stuff here today. I must rubberstamp everything and add cheese and ketchup packets and extra napkins and salt to it all.

There seems to be some sort of convergence of crisis-level assholery disguised as "The Christmas Spirit" and "The Season of Giving" that comes about during the HannuKwaanzMas time which makes people seem especially selfish and self-centered. People drive around like fucking maniacs, they steal parking spaces, they poach tables in restaurants, they snatch shit off shelves in the fucking grocery store, ad infinitum. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Perhaps it's just me? Am I the only one that notices this? Surely not judging by what I've read. It starts about the weekend before Thanksgiving and rises to a fucking crazed crescendo at New Year's. With fucking dipsomaniacal narcissists running amock fucking EVERYWHERE. The only fucking safe place is the fucking gym.

Maybe it's that I have this obtuse Tiny Tim belief that folks ought to be a leeetle bit less fucking AllAboutMEMEME All The Fucking Time for about five minutes? Or at least pretend?

Assholes. Stay home. Don't buy so much. Be fucking NICE. Buying shit doesn't show people you care. Assholes.

Hahaha, Susanna, I know just what you're talking about. I once saw a lady totally REAM a poor cashier, claiming she didn't know her job, bla bla bla, when the woman really wanted to use coupons that were for items other than what she was buying.

It's like: just because you're buying it as a gift doesn't give you the right to be an asshole.

(I do most of my shopping online these days, to avoid just that behavior).

And I have another one: colleagues with random unrelated meaningless rambling no-point discussions who come in and start trying to talk to you when you are TRYING TO GRADE SO YOU CAN GET THE EFF OUT OF YOUR OFFICE AND HOME ON A FRIDAY, can fuck off. Doesn't my saying, "I can't concentrate on that right now because I am GRADING" and turning my back on you send a strong enough message? Cripes.

Oh, and Joel: thanks much ;)

Tommy - those people were called "smug marrieds" in "Bridget Jones' Diary."

heh heh

Smug bastards. I promise you... my parents' friends set me up with someone who was "perfect" for me, so that I wouldn't have to be (gasp!) single when I was 32. This fucking smooth-talking handsome ratfuck was "perfect" allright, on paper.

No more than 22 minutes into the date he was attempting to orchestrate a major cocaine purchase. Oh, and a call girl who joined the table about 45 minutes later. Sweet! Good times!

Enjoy your life. You are enough.

Wow, Susanna. Even the biggest losers I've ever known have the courtesy to wait until at least the third or fourth date to bust out with the coke and hookers.

Susanna - that inconsiderate fuck. If he didn't have enough cocaine and hookers for everyone else, he should have waited.

This is really depressing. People who steal cars from funeral homes? Who run over dogs and then drive off right in front of the owner? Who steal from a poor family and get them evicted? Is there a competition among the barrel scrapers to be the first one through the bottom?

The only thing that cheers me up is seeing the word "annealed." Ricki, you are made of awesome. And on behalf of all recently-married folk, I would like to apologize for the percentage of us that are assholes.

You know, Susanna, he probably did you a favor. Stories like that should be useful for shutting your parents and their friends up the next time they start in on you.

Well that was about 4.5 years ago... I am married now, having been set up by Dr. Neal Clark Warren and his 29 dimensions of compatibility. (laugh if you wish - I did much better than coke n' poke, my picker was broken)

Mind you Mr. Perfect was a nicely-presented package of a WASP lawyer delivered from one of those towers in Century City via a friend of the family. You can understand the confusion when I was asked why there would be no second date? How the fuck do I explain that shit? Further, you can understand his confusion because he was used to his chiclets very zealousy liking threesomes and nose-packing... ya know, provided polysyllabic words other than 'tortellini' were not used.

I try to remember the coke n' hooker tale when I think it's a good idea to set up a single friend who hasn't ASKED for my damn help to be set up.

The debates can FO. With the MSM doing the moderating, the only questions asked are those from the left. I want organizations like Cato and Brookings and the Boy Scouts and Mensa and the William Shatner Fan Club and whomever to sponsor and moderate debates, and the media to just report them. With a wide variety of outfits holding debates, a wide range of questions will get asked.