it comes in pints?

Happy Birthday, Emily!

The Portal Bridge can fuck off, along with Amtrak and NJ Transit. Gee...let's route everything over a 97 year old drawbridge, what could possibly go wrong?

Why don't the politicans have it replaced? Surely we could build a new one with embezzled funds seized from our politicans? NJ politicians can fuck the fuck off.

Except Linda Greenstein, because my wife would kill me if I told her best friend's mother to fuck off.

All of the television talking heads who want to exploit a tragedy for ratings can fuck off.

Any news reporter who sticks a mike in the face of some grieving relative somewhere and asks them "how do you FEEL" can fuck off with extreme prejudice.

How do you think they FEEL, ass-ferret? They lost a loved one. And now some clown's sticking a mike in their face and asking them to talk. If one of them someday takes your mike and inserts it deep enough in your colon that it needs to be surgically removed, you probably had it coming.

And Emily, I second you on the thing about women "over a certain age" having "outlived their usefulness." Usually that attitude is held by creeps who think the main purpose of women is as fodder for their adolescent masturbatory fantasies.

Happy Birthday!

And for the record, I like older women. I married one.

And on to the topic at hand:

Second Ricki's fuck off to exploiters of tragedy. And fuck off to the enablers and apologists for the murderous cretins.

Fuck off to the irresponsible twits who get themselves in financial trouble and expect the taxpayers to bail them out.

Thanks for the happy wishes, guys!

And another one I forgot that's actually had me seething are excessive spammers. Spammers in general can fuck off, but the "sell your timeshare" people who hit my inbox about ten times a day can fuck off with knobs on. I don't own a timeshare and even if I did, you'd think my not responding to the first 1,000,000,000,000 emails they sent me might be a clue that I'm NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. Asspies.

Happy Birthday Emily!!!!!

Im like Ken, I, too, married and older woman. Great minds think alike, Ken.

My FFOT for today:

Local news media outlets can FUCK THE FUCK OFF WITH FUCKING BELLS ON AND MICROPHONE STUFFED COLONS. We've been busting our asses for weeks on a campaign to help bring media expsoure to the dissident movement in Cuba, sent out a press release to all local news outlets and not one of them showed up. One local station in particular, during their "cuba coverage" instead of reporting on how a grass roots movement of people from all over the country and world are workingto shed some light on the plight of the Cuban people, opted to report that fidel castro called Elian Gonzalez to say "hey, Im feeling alright!" STUPID MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS, is it any wonder why people preferto watch reruns of fucking Matlock instead of your local news fucking "coverage?" stupid fucking cue card reading FUCKS.

Women outlive their usefulness!?!?!??!!!? I never knew. ;-P

Happy Birthday, Emily!

And now......

Once again I say this: Congress can fuck the fuckity fuck fuck off with cheese sprinkled benefits. I aim my displeasure primarily at the Dhimmicrats (yeah, I mean YOU, San Fran Nan and Horrible Harry), but Congress in general, for being a motley collection of lazy, pandering, butt munching asshats more focused on buying votes to keep a cushy and lucrative gig rather than leading the country. The small percentage of decent men and women in that asylum give me hope, but not much.

The Glacier™ and Dubya can fuck off as well for that stupid support of irresponsible lenders and borrowers with their assinine subprime bail out. Right now, I'd support reinstating debtors prison, providing it including greedy loan and mortgage institutions as well. Short of that, all of them can FUCK OFF with a knob covered credit card dipped in cheese.

On a continuing topic, this cretin is the strongest argument for mandatory IQ testing in order to vote, drive, or procreate that I have ever seen. I'm betting that his attitude would be far less nihilistic if his "friend" had tried to kill him.

On second thought, too bad that shooter didn't take out this particular friend as well; it wouldn't quite be Darwin Award material, but definitely ironic as hell.

More later, I think. Until then, over to someone else!!!!

Lies. I doubt very much Fidel is feeling all that good right now. For that matter, Elian is of an age to start developing that sinking feeling. Those turd processors in the local media are stuck in the 60s - and half of them weren't even ALIVE back then.

On the bright side, happy birthday Emily!

Happy Birthday, Em. Wish I was there or you were here. We'd have vodka.

I'll take an extra shot in your honor, Lisa!

"Ass-ferret," Ricki? Perfect! I hate ferrets so to me that's a super insult.

Happy Birthday, Emily! My youngest nephew shares your b-day. If they'd had your size at the store I would've gotten you a fleece sports shirt, too. Didn't see hockey, though.

This week's extra-special FO is for R., the off-site manager of my apartments, who believes that having my apartment exterminated when no infestation has been found is "sending them out for nothing" and is threatening to charge me for the visit. When I asked if there was anything that could be done about my downstairs neighbors' now daily and first-thing-in-the-morning stinkfest they call cooking, she cut me off and said, "I can't tell people how to live." But it's O.K. for my apartment and its contents (including my coats in the closet) to reek of something not of my doing, coming from outside my living space?

Hey, R., I deserve a healthy, relatively disturbance-free place to live for the rent I pay. On time. For the past 2+ years. You must be gouging the new people, b/c (A) they do their wash in the bathtub, and (B) you told me if I don't like it I can leave. Well, I thought I couldn't b/c I had a lease--but since you make a special exception for people who want to help you keep your managed buildings safe and clean, thanks for letting me walk. You'll be getting my notice as soon as I find a place. And if you hold the notice up to the light you'll see the watermark: FUCK OFF!!!!!!

Kate - at least in New Jersey, the law specifically says that a tenant is entitled to the reasonable enjoyment of his space. If, after serving notice of problems, the landlord allows certain situations to go uncorrected, you are legally permitted to withhold your rent.

There are special courts here that deal exclusively with this sort of dispute; you of course have to actually HAVE the rent available - at the hearing the court will demand payment to the landlord of whatever they feel is just in your situation (and sometimes it means the entire amount).

You'd have to check with an actual lawyer person for the rules in your area. In the meantime, R can totally fuck off.

Holy crap.

It just occurred to me that the first chemist I ever hired is older than you. So is the second. And third. And fourth.

What's up with that?

12 year olds can fuck off and go to hell.

"Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety; other women cloy the appetites they feed, but she makes hungry where most she satisfies." Happy birthday, delightful lady!

The Democrats have a standing fuck-off from me, but this time it's a little more personal. If this goes through, the only medical clinic in town will either have to go non-profit or close up, leaving us (even those of us with insurance) with an 80-mile drive in any direction to see a doctor. What is it about Kleptocrats that they hate to see a doctor earn a living, and worse, hate to see small towns survive? And hate to see people not live in their filthy cities? Fucking socialist elitist pimple-on-the-ass-of-America urban shitstains can fuck off and die with a chilled stethoscope.

12 year olds can fuck off and go to hell.

Amen! Although hell can be defined as "whatever place a 12-year-old is currently oppressing with her presence."

Oh, 'Fly, they're already pissed at me b/c I contacted my local rep and she called her bud the Fire Chief who is the head of the code office. Code enforcement officer came right out. That's the reason they had to spray the entire building this summer. It's just not working and they can't be moved to do anything else. So I'll accept the ability to cancel my lease. And if they don't want to hear from me ever again, they'll give me back my deposit without the merest squeak.

Oh lord. Don't get me started this week.

Happy Birthday, Emily!

Happy Birthday Dearest Emily!

Emily, you don't know living until you turn 36. I am now completely useless. As if. Life is better and better, provided I learn from my mistakes.

Wishing you greasy Mexican food, strong libations, sporty liberal-baiting at high volume in the organic section of ButtWhole Foods on a Saturday morning, and wonderful laughs with real friends.

Viva ass ferrets!

Viva ass ferrets. Hahahahaha!

(I just couldn't include a fuck off with birthday wishes to our hostess with the mostest)

the so-called 'intelligence' folks who put out the nie can fuck the fuckity fuck off.

corzine can fuck the fuckity fuck off

Susanna, I'm going to be in so much trouble if I drink too much at the Christmas dinner I'm attending tonight--I just know I'll start yelling, "Viva ass ferrets!"

Kate,
You can always recover by explaining to everyone that "viva ass ferrets" is actually quite poetic in its native French.

VIVA ASS FERRETS!

OK, OK... but jus coz iz Emilys birfdai, kthx!

Happy birthday, Em!

FUCK OFF to Congress. Can we please pass a Defense budget so I don't have to worry if my family's going to be able to eat in the upcoming months.

D.C. politicians gonna set my temper
Gonna set my temper on fire
Took a whole lot of money from taxpayers to burn,
So get those mortgage rates up higher
Theres a thousand pork barrels waitin' out there
And they're all winnin' votes so fair
And I'm just a wage-slave with taxes to pay
Viva ass ferrets, viva ass ferrets....

(Well, if the makers of that rod-raisin' pill can co-opt the song for their own use, so can I.)

Happy Birthday, Emily. As far as "anyone who thinks a woman has outgrown any usefulness after a certain age"...may it be their loss.

You know what they say about older women... They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, and they're grateful as hell.

(Ducking and running for cover)

I know I'm the asshole here, but a pizza guy with a trach ring? That creepy shit can fuck off right the fuck now.

Call it a prejudice, if you will, but for some reason, I want the person representing my company, be it a service clerk, a customer rep or a pizza delivery guy not to be breathing through a manmade orifice in the front of his neck.

I know life's rough. That there are many dips and obstacles in the road. And that it is not which obstacles tackle us that define us, but how we deal with them.

I actually applaud hole-in-the-neck pizza guy for perseverance, for coming to work.

But let's find him something else to do. Somewhere along the lines of not being the last person to touch my food before I eat it.

Again. I'm the asshole. And I'll fuck off, too, if it means trach-ring guy doesn't come to my house anymore.

R.I.P.

In memory of our dear friend Joel

1967-2007

Who says they don't swell?

Who says they don't swell?

Joel, typing on the run like that only increases the chance of a spelling error.

If Emily is gonna kill you, have her kill you for the right reasons, hmmmm?

Hint: The correct word in that old saw rhymes with "swell".

Dec 7 was the 30th anniversary of the other day the music died, the release of Saturday Night Fever, which propelled disco into American culture. Let the cursing commence.

It's a good thing Steve Dahl didn't plan any festivities.

Happy birthday, Emily!

Caio bella, and happy birthday! My momma learned me early that "men have ages, women have birthdays". Fortunately I'm hopelessly innumerate on some topics.

Happy Birthday, Emily!

Congrats Birthday Kid! 35 is nothing (I can hardly remember it anyhow) !

That's right! 35 is only the halfway mark to threescore and ten!