it comes in pints?

Ill-mannered people of all types can, truly, fuck off.

So can "Chuckles".

I'd like to thank the asshats who decided to play around with the longterm planning meeting next week. I'd like to thank them for changing their minds on the briefing format at nearly the last possible minute.

I mean, it's Friday, today is Christmas party day, a lot of folks are heading off on leave (gotta burn that excess leave before the new year, wot?), people are attending last-minute mandatory training, and our regular work is operating with the usual hectic hodge podge of misdirection, vague guidance, and legislative confusion....and the briefing is next Tuesday morning.

So, heck, why not change the briefing format from short, informal comments to a rigid, hard to understand, PowerPoint presentation designed for "a maximum of 10 minutes".....all under the threat of "the meeting should not last more than two hours".

So, Merry fuckin' Christmas, asshats! May Santa Claus assplow you with his sleigh early on Christmas Eve, and drop off a couple of elves to dip you in melted cheese, so that you can fuck off with knobs on, in classic FFOT style.

Yeah, along with anyone else who goes completely psycho at the merest criticism. And people who pull shit like he did then think they can just turn around and say "I'm sorry" and that all should be forgiven and forgotten in an instant can fuck off, too. It's ultimately up to Mike, and I'll stand by him whatever he decides, but as far as I'm concerned, that was irredeemable and that guy is pretty much on my permanent "ignore" list.

Ken--right on.

Emily--yeah, and as the corollary to that, stores with poorly designated checkout lines can fuck off, with rusty jingle bells and tangled tinsel. A few days ago I was browsing in a aisle at a store, and b/c it was close to the register, people started lining up behind me. When I realized what was going on, I had to let them know I wasn't in line (lest they start thinking I'm a jerk holding up the line). That's nuts.

Whoever thought it was "easy money" to steal not one but two donation jars intended for a slain police officer's family in Philadelphia can fuck off. It wasn't going to feed someone's children. It's more like grave-robbing.

Ditto on "Chuckles". Assclowns like him deserve a deafening silence.

Kate -- those sort of grave robbers need to be hung by their thumbs over a vat of boiling acid.

And let me add, since it's Christmas Party day here, the air is filled with wonderful aromas of home cooked food for the lunch potluck. But since I'm planning to drive over to the coast for the weekend, and leaving early to do so, I will miss the meal. So, something has to fuck off. But what? Me? Poor planning? Karma? Decisions, decisons!

Companies who suddenly declare after I've spent a year of my life working on something that one supposed requirement that wasn't mentioned until September and we were totally up front about the hardware not being able to do being a "showstopper". You strung us along with all your promises, and now, as always, you're going off with the pretty boys after we did all the real work.

Shahina Siddiqui can fuck off and die.

People who think everyone wants to hear their Christmas music can FTFO with jingle bells. I would pay money to shop in a store that didn't have hip-hop versions of "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" blaring through their speakers. And double-dumb-ass coworkers who crank up the tunes because it's Friday (read: my catch-up day) can ho-ho-hose off.

And radio stations, shops, or any other public place that starts playing Christmas music a week before beeping Thanksgiving has even come can fuck off. Seriously, I'm not a Christmas hater, but by the time it finally arrives, I'm so sick of having it shoved down my throat at every turn, I look more forward to December 26 than the two days prior.

And Christmas card manufacturers that start sending card catalogs in fucking APRIL can fuck off.

Jeez, you too? We have a local radio station that went to 24-7 Christmas music a week or two before Thanksgiving.

Julie, a hip-hop version of "It Cam Upon a Midnight Clear" sounds truly frightening. I'm envisioning something like "Yo, Da Bitch Came Upon da Fucking Midnight Clear. Word."

OHMIGOD, the poorly-designed checkout! Hate. (I'm looking at you, HOLLISTER.)

XMRadio's "Holly" channel can fuck off. I like to have my office as merry as possible during the holiday season, but damn. "My Grown-Up Christmas List" (besides being the most insipid song, like, EVER) is still the same even if it's sung by a different artist. You can only play "Christmas Wrapping" once a week, but you can play this dreck FOUR TIMES in an hour?

I have a list this week. No one huge thing but lots of little annoying ones:

1. Students who act as if they are the ONLY student I have ("Why isn't my exam graded yet?!?!?" asked 20 minutes after said exam) can eff off.

2. People who drive gray cars in the fog and can't be arsed to turn on their headlights can eff off. Here's a clue: even if you can see other people, that doesn't mean they can see you.

3. Online grade-entry systems that go down on what is almost certain to be the busiest day for faculty grade-entry can eff off. (And the codemonkeys who write the software).

4. Stores that play the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song. Look: I am in your store. I am trapped in your long checkout lines. I am spending money. Please, for the love of all that's holy, DON'T make me listen to (the now long dead) voice of Ross Bagdasarian yelling "ALLLLL-VIIIIIIIN!"

Oh, and the movie they made of Alvin and the chimpunks can eff off too. Normally I like Jason Lee but I can't see anything good coming of this one.

5. The whole MLB can eff off. If I were Supreme Dictatrix? I'd fire the lot of them and start over from scratch. And I'd have mandatory drug tests, anyone who flunks is out on his keister. I'd make it more like the minors or AA league, where the people who are playing are playing mainly because they love the game, not because they love the paycheck.

Bobby Petrino can fuck off. And for that matter, Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, can also fuck off. As if there weren't enough reasons to hate the Cowboys: the owner's an Arkansas alumnus who just happens to know a certain coach for a certain team THAT PLAYS IN THE SAME CONFERENCE AS THE COWBOYS, who would like to go back to a college gig? And gee, alma mater's job is open? What a coinkidink!

Atlanta should file tampering charges. And Jones can fuck the fuck off with his tuchis pulled as taut as his creepy-ass plastic face.

Um, I don't mean to cause dissent among the FFO, but if any of those Atlanta players were offered twice their salary to play for, say, the Jets, they'd be out of the ATL so fast you'd feel the wake in Carolina.

Coaches leave all the time. Players leave all the time ::cough::Johnny Damon::cough::. It happens. Don't hate the playa, honey, hate the game.

No team is allowed to offer a player twice the money until their contract expired. Coaches should have to play under the same rules. (And I beg to differ - if the JETS offered them money? Why would anyone WANT to play for the Jets?)

If you like, I will add this: any player that dogs it on the field to force a trade can get in the line for cheese-covered knobs. Honor your contract, boobies.

Ricki,
Amen. And you know who else can fuck off? Anyone saying that doping's not a big deal because the athletes are only ruining their own bodies. FUCK YOU. That's like saying a kid who gets a perfect score because he stole a copy of the test is no different than the kid who got a good grade because he studied. He still had to memorize the answers, right? IT'S FUCKING CHEATING. And hey, if we're going to go there, why stop at sports? Cocaine heightens your ability to focus and helps with endurance. Why not let college students snort to their hearts' content? They're only hurting themselves in the end.

Winning is fun, but that's not all there is to sports. Besides, if I had kids, I sure as hell wouldn't want them looking up to somebody on fucking drugs.

people who give my Bride shit can fuck off with rock salt encrusted wireless pointing devices.

So Bobby Petrino is the only coach in the history of coaching to EVER leave before his contract expires? Or to leave a job after a short while? Nick Saban?

I mean, I know it's shitty, and it's CERTAINLY not an admirable trait, but I don't understand why HIS hiring and leaving is causing such a brouhaha. You'd think HE was the one out killing dogs.

Poor Julie! You probably can't even ask them to keep it down b/c, you know, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" (if your co-workers are playing it). I hate that trite question.

Ken--"Away in a Manger" does mention a crib, yo. This year the region was spared the one-upmanship on which "adult contemporary" station could start the Christmas rotation earlier b/c one changed format. Miraculously, to my taste for the most part.

And just to make Ricki happy. . . one Christmas when I was a kid, my older brother hid our Chipmunks Christmas cassette until Christmas Day. My sister and I spent about 2 weeks wondering where it had gone. I can't really understand why Alvin was so intolerable--Axl Rose has the same range.

I just think he's an asshole for the way he did it. Leave your team a note? Jeez.

Kate,
I don't know what it is about the Chipmunks, but whenever I hear one of their songs, I almost go into a RAGE. I hate them. If they were real, I would want to kill them.

The Chipmunks aren't real?

Jeez, Emily--why don't you tell Jeff S there's no Santa Claus, either? :)

There's no Santa Claus?!?!?!?

Of course there is!!! He saved a ton of kids from being pickled to death. Or something like that.

Kate, it's clear that Santa didn't save Ken from being pickled!!!!

Emily, this song has to be tied as the most annoying Christmas song EVAH.

I like dogs, but jeez! It's only saving grace is that it isn't cute enough to play continuously.

Lisa - well, Petrino pulled his crap just in time for this FFOT. He's not worse than anybody else who's done it, he just got the short straw this week. Saban can continue to FTFO, if you like. And I'm pretty sure that Michael Vick was a major feature the week that news broke...

And now that he's in jail, I don't think that we need to wish anything on him that he's not currently trying to avoid for reals.

Fuck major league baseball. Fuck Roger Clemens. Fuck sports, except for hockey, which is pure and beautiful.

And fuck freezing rain.

To the dipsomaniacal, superannuated, pickled, aging debutante I had the deep misfortune of sitting next to at the fundraiser on Tuesday night who decided to share her experience with a room of 200 other tippling grandstanding fundraisers (after she shared it with me and I patted her on the knee and told her how lovely she was):

Here's a tip, bitch: when you do something "good" for another human being, getting up at the podium and drunkenly, incoherently grandstanding about it to the whole room more or less nullifies that act, m'kay?

And another thing? Saying, "OMIGAWD, y'all, she didn't even have a CAR! And so I gave her a RIDE!" I am sure in your tiny, rarified world, EVERYONE has an automobile. With gas in the tank. Congratulations, you're a jewel and a princess. Maybe if I lose a button or a tuxedo stud you can help me, too. If you're not too busy eating Xanax and buying carbon credits.

Why is it again you joined this organization? To tipple bad Chardonnay while your tubby, libertine of a husband shtupps the nanny? Or was it to FUCKING HELP PEOPLE?

Fuck off, you myopic, lazy bitch.

Hahaha, Michele. I always wonder what it is about hockey that makes it relatively scandal-free in comparison to other sports. With the exception of the Tocchet gambling stuff, the biggest scandal in hockey in recent memory has been the Staal brothers getting drunk at one of their bachelor parties.

Pickled!? That's downright sloshed.

Michele, hockey wasn't looking too beautiful last night when I watched the Flyers game with my nephew. Of course the fact that he had the stupid DVR remote and I had to watch a player take a high-sticking to the face several times didn't help.

Those "COEXIST" bumper stickers using all the religious symbols to spell the letters can fuck off. It's the new badge of relativistic sanctimony. And it's suddenly everywhere. Fuck it. All bumper sticker commands and philosophy can fuck off.

As for the beauty of hockey, it sure has the most beautiful fans.

Even worse than those bumper stickers are the people who think they're actually making a difference in people's attitudes.

And that Youtube link is evil.

Yeah, it's that whole, "What did I do to make the world better? My dear idiot, did you not see I have a bumper sticker?" attitude.

I have taken to judging causes by how those people with those bumper stickers drive. So far, everything in the world is unworthy.

Or the "I am raising awareness!" attitude, too. "Well, I was going to beat the shit out of somebody for no reason once I got where I was going, but then I saw that 'GIVE PEACE A CHANCE' bumper sticker on the car in front of me and decided against it..."

May as well just beat the shit out of someone while shouting, "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!" Since a crowd always shows up to an asswhuppin, think of all the awareness that could be raised!

Susanna, I'm laughing.

Because I regularly drive for a lady who's decided her eyesight is bad enough that she'd be a threat on the roads.

Where's my tiara? Where's my tankard of Chardonnay?

(I will say I don't mind doing it one bit for her - I just see it as payback for the years when I was a broke college student without a car and my friends saw to it that I got places that I couldn't walk to. And the lady also gave me a big box of (good) candy as a thank-you gift.)

But yeah, I don't get expecting props for every little thing a person does. You do them because it's the right thing, not because it makes you a good person.

Ricki,
I think what you do DOES make you a good person. Expecting everyone in the world to tell you that you are a good person by broadcasting it over and over again (and I know that's not what you're doing here, you're just giving an example) to anyone who will listen just so you can have your ego massaged by a bunch of people telling you you're wonderful all the time, like Susanna's unfortunate dinnermate, does not. I somehow couldn't imagine you standing at a podium announcing your generous awesomeness to a room full of people expecting them to validate your needs for positive attention. I think the same thing goes for celebrities who have to make sure everyone in the world knows exactly how much money they give to charity and things like that. I mean, ultimately, it's the charity that counts, but that's what it's supposed to be about, not about polishing an image.

That woman with the bad eyesight is lucky to have a friend like you.

I wasn't totally clear, I guess. I do think "pretty is as pretty does" (or whatever the old saying is) - that what you do generally reveals who you are. BUT I have had experience with people who do "nice" stuff solely for the thanks/applause....people who are philanthropic in public but mean to their families. People who do all kinds of volunteer stuff but are kind of shabby to the people who serve them.

So, I guess what I meant is that someone claiming that they're "good" because they do xyz, it ain't necessarily so.

But I know you know that's what I meant :)

And yeah, I remember how much it sucked not to have a car, so I can empathize with my friend.

I would much rather have donated my rubber chicken dinner ticket cost to the foundation (we're often given the alternative, except twice yearly) and stayed home to pet the Pugs and avoided the posturing, handbag and ferret-pelt comparing, and drunken grandstanding that invariably occurs at these events.

I agree that what you do DOES make up who you are. So why do people have to whip it out and measure it? Go, do, be, and be gracious!

Empathy is not a feeling that she experienced when it came to not having a car. The good news is that there are plenty more of us there who are there for the right reasons. There were lots of titters and snickers when the bedazzled ass-princess was grandstanding. She even did that pageant thing where she kind of waved and fanned her face a little.

Ass Princess!

Ass Princess

That's good.

"So why do people have to whip it out and measure it?"

I never thought of it in that context but that makes me laugh. And yeah, I've seen that whole thing, sadly. (Also, being at a university, I've also seen the whole "whip it out and measure it" applied to "how green are you.")

Actually, that's a really good metaphor for a particularly annoying tendency of human behavior...the need to make comparisons to "prove" that you're "better" than everyone else.

Life ain't really a competition, folks. If it's a competition at all, it's against YOURSELF and your weaker nature, not against other people who may have different circumstances.

Late as Usual!

People who decide to turn in front of you when you are the only car on the road and take. Their. Blessed. Time. turning - they can FTFOAD.