it comes in pints?

All those fucks that want to eradicate the use of teh word "Christmas" can FUCK THE FUCK OFF. What the fuck ever happened to fucking tolerance and respect in this country?

Congress can get assplowed by a 500 pound cheese encrusted wild pig for all of the pork they keep on handing out as "earmarks". And all those Congresscritters on both sides of the fence can fuck off with a rusty shovel for once again fucking off on the job, and failing to pass the budget on time. Jeez, I wish I had a job where I was paid handsomely to fuck off to the beat of a banjo.

And, oh yeah! Congress can FUCK THE FUCKITY FUCK OFF with fluorescent lights dipped in bubbling cheese knobs for OUTLAWING incandescent light bulbs. Now I have to stock up on bulbs just so I can get some decent light in the house; by the time the ban comes into effect, I'll have a closet full of the stupid things.

Effing envirotards! Never heard of MERCURY, have you? Or all the other problems associated with fluorescent bulbs? They have their place, BUT NOT AS THE ONLY SOURCE OF LIGHT, you chunks of cheese floating in ass soup.

Court TV can FTFO for overdoing the "On January 1st, COURT TV will become TRU TV" ad. We aren't idiots. Showing it once every 30 minutes or so would be enough. Showing it at every single commercial break is overkill.

And FO to me, for setting the alarm to go off right as The Sainted Karen Carpenter starts singing "Merry Christmas, Darling". I purposely avoid that one because it makes me cry every time. Starting the day with red puffy eyes can FTFO too.

Or all the other problems associated with fluorescent bulbs?
Not to mention the increased energy it takes to make them... Oh! That's right, they're not made here!

One of the benes I was looking forward to claiming after moving to Texas was REASONABLY intelligent representation, alas that was short-lived.

Kay Bailey Hutchison can FUCK THE FUCK OFF with a Velveeta-slimed keyboard for sneaking fence-gutting language into the omnibus spending bill.

Redneck assholes who push my mother in costco and then mouth off at me can fuck the fuck off. With big stinky festering knobs. You are a belligerent son of a bitch and I will call you on it every time. It's a good goddamned thing I didn't hear your pathetic cigarette-voiced excuse for a wife insult me personally or it would have been on like Donkey Kong you fucking fuck of a fuck.

But then again, you probably live in Clovis. Which is punishment enough.

Congress...

CONgress...

Sloooowly I turnnnn...

The contractor who ran over my folks' pug can fuck off. He'll be alright. But still. I'd almost rather them run my folks over than that dog....

And this year, where I've managed to see dogs get run over three different times? What's that little bit of mental torture about? If there's a higher power controlling that coincidental shit? He, She or It can fuck off.

And my cell phone battery? For turning my life into a living breath dropped call commercial? That shit's gotta go. Please Santa, bring me a phone that works, just so I don't have a heart attack when I make a joke with my boss "maybe if you'd do your job." That was about the loudest silence ever. That shit can fuck off. With tinsel.

Outlaw light bulbs, and I start using high-carbon-footprint torches. Fueled by copies of Earth in the Balance.

I'd just like to take a moment to congratulate our lovely hostess. If you google "C-list slulet" she has the only entry. A truly rare google feat.

WOOT!

Well, won't that just propel us through the hit ranks? ;) Don't really want to know *why* you Googled that, though.

And the asshole in the next office over who has a ringtone that's the grating theme from Friday the 13th can suck it. That is seriously fucking disturbing.

Buckeyes can fuck off.

Emily scores a Googlewhack! Sweet.

Fox Sports, let us never forget, also introduced the FoxBox - a neat little achievement, but which has escalated. Now actual sporting events take up maybe two-thirds of the screen, with the rest occupied by graphics, "bugs" and overlays, some of which move while exciting real stuff is happening. Some of them make NOISE while they move, too. And now regular shows have that shit - they actually turn into ads and promos for the next show.

I think I want to see the actual fucking show I'm currently attempting to watch, and not four other fucking shows that ALL fucking SUCK FERRET BALLS. Jackasses, this is WHY people fucking TiVo their shows now.

SO - the FoxBox can FUCK OFF. Just give us the out of town scores occasionally and, you know, let the fucking announcers FUCKING ANNOUNCE. It's IN THEIR FUCKING JOB TITLE. Rampant screen graphics can FUCK OFF with cheese-dripping dancing CGI birds and shit. Starting shows early and running the coming attractions late so people with TiVo miss bits of their favorite shows can FUCK OFF. It even happens with CABLE SHOWS, and we're already paying for them.

And if that's not enough... tomorrow makes 16 years since we lost my Dad. Fucking fuckitty fuck fuckola. Everyone make sure to take every last picture you can, even a few of the people who hate being in them.

'Fly - sorry about your dad, especially losing him this time of year.

And I will never forgive Fox Sports for introducing, no matter how briefly, the most atrocious invention in the history of sports -the glow puck. Even if you are so fucking blind you can't make out a black puck on white ice, I'll give you a hint: do you see that gaggle 6'2" men averaging about 215 lbs each skating around? It's the fucking thing they're chasing.

I was just intellectually curious as to who else only made the C-list, Emily.

Really.

Of course you were. For research purposes. This is important stuff, Mr. B.

I recommend "C-List slutet" be entered into the 2007 FFOT Award list!

"Slutlet"--heh. Makes me think of "chicken cutlets." She probably has those silicone lovelies stuffed in her bra as well.

Now, down to business. People deciding to make TODAY their maiden voyage to this, the largest mall on the East Coast, can FOAD. And the way you're driving, you probably will. I don't care where you're from--you still have to obey the signs. It's raining and you want to make an illegal u-turn? Oh, O.K., 'cause, you know, there's not possibly another way to get to where you THINK you need to go in this freaking mall complex. As Kat yelled in "10 Things I Hate About You": "Remove head from sphincter, then drive."

Update: Great ideas on using PowerPoint to submit reports can fuck off with a knobby thumb drive, since it means more work for us, just so the CEO can try to wow people who really don't give a flying fuck. What, Mr. CEO, can't you see their eyes glazing over 3 minutes into the staff meeting????

Further, PowerPoint can FUCK OFF AND DIE with a 3.5" floppy drive dipped in cheese, simply because such ideas can even be conceived. Death by PowerPoint is not a pretty way to go.

And so can Outlook, because that's how the great idea on using PowerPoint to wow people who would rather do more productive things (like, say, sleep) plopped onto my desk, with the resounding THUD of a turd hitting the floor in the stables.

This going-on-five-weeks-now cold I've got can fuck off and go join PETA.

The asshole pediatrician who gave my daughter penicillin after I specifically told him both her dad and brother were completely allergic, can fold his "license" until it is all corners, shove it as far up his ass as he can manage, and then fuck right off the Sunshine Skyway.

And the other C-list slutlet (great phrase that I'm shamelessly stealing), can take her low-country, backwoods, redneck morality and fuck right off of Nickelodeon TV so as not to somehow imply to my kids that she's anything other than a Louisiana pigwhore.

FTFO w/ moldy easy-cheese and pretzels to all of the fucktards at this school that think that this day is just for wandering around the school w/o any realization as to where the fuck they are or who the fuck they are. Oh yeah, I forgot that since they all turned 13, they know everything, and they don't need any of the education that I may be dispensing at this present moment -- even if it is just watching "Transformers" the last two days of the calendar year. Total fucking retards.

GMT, I'm totally commiserating. It's happening in offices, too (only it's WRT work instead of learning).

These characters who think that they can just write over a fully executed legal document to change it can FTFO. It doesn't work that way. And, no, offering to initial it doesn't have any magical powers since YOU didn't SIGN it. Fuck, you didn't even WITNESS it. If I took a crayon to your last will & testament, would that have any effect? Come on! You've been working with these things for longer than I've been alive! You know better!!!

And to counter balance GMT's FFOT, people who don't realize that a lot of offices close early on days before holidays, who hold off all of their shit until the last second and then panic when they find out that you're leaving early and expect you to give up your time off because they left their work gathering dust and took for granted that you'd be around because it never fucking occured to them that we might be shutting down FOR FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

A great big Fuck Off to the chucklefucks at this place.

I may be late to the game on this one, but I just discovered it today. The most pitiful and useless thing I have ever seen. Ever.

WOOT!

That reminds me...

Merriam-Webster can fuck off with environmentally-unfriendly ink and sandy toilet paper. The "word of the year" should not be spelled with digits, you useless subliterate lexicocksuckers! If old Noah could see what these hooked-on-phonically-challenged dipshits consider a word, he'd return like the ghost of English past to rip them a new asshole. Which might be a necessary preliminary to giving them a haircut.

I saw this coming when it stopped being unacceptable to split infinitives, even in public and in mixed company. Welcome, barbarians! The gates are open. March right in.

As Kat yelled in "10 Things I Hate About You": "Remove head from sphincter, then drive."

Kate, that's one of my favorite movies! My kids spout the dialogue from it like it was their own.

Aw, Joel, both your posts warmed my heart. :)

Cullen--it's new to me, too, and that is outrageous. Ass Ferrets.

And another alternate to my last fuck off: people, if you tell us you are closing at 3 o'clock and we dispatch a trucker with that information to pick up your shit, don't call us at one o'clock and whine about the driver not being there because you want to go home early. If you wanted to go home at one o'clock, you should have fucking told us you were closing at one o'clock instead of three o'clock. Our driver would have planned his day accordingly.

Asspie eating ferrets.

Ass soup! Pigwhore! Chucklefucks! Subliterate lexicocksuckers!

Today is a cacophony of fuck off wonders!

My husband's boss (the 65 year-old son of a deceased Nazi work camp boss, no kidding) can fuck himself with a rusty SS-issued bullhorn backwards for not giving Christmas Day as a paid holiday.

Here's news, pal... you're not running a work camp. You're running... a corporation. You employ... employees. Who might like to have... paid holidays. His reason was that Christmas was simply another day and if my husband chose to take the day he could choose not to be paid.

Merry Christmas Fuckstick!

Suzanna, no doubt your husband's boss lives for the old slogan, "ARBEIT MACHT FREI".

For which, he can fuck off with rusty barb wire. But wish him "frohe Weihnachten!" anywho....maybe he'll get all choked up.

Thank you! He will love that and die laughing as soon as he stops crying. He knew just what that was when he read it over my shoulder.

God, that's so unintentionally hilarious. I love you guys.

Susanna, your hubby better not read over your shoulder. There's a (cough) virus going around and (hack, wheeze) he could catch it, causing him to call in sick on Tuesday.... (sniffle, sneeze).

:-)

I am embarrassed to say this, but trackbacks seem to be beyond me. Where is a minion when I need it?

http://coldfury.com/?p=8832

Congress can get assplowed by a 500 pound cheese encrusted wild pig for all of the pork they keep on handing out as "earmarks".

This is officially my favorite thread...ever!

Oh, you spammers wandered into the right place, didn't you?

Pretty much EVERYTHING on these pathetic laundry lists was created for a specific need, and YOU are exploiting the anonymity and ease of the Internet to convince sad and lonely people that THESE are the solution to their problems. YOU are the problem, you mulch-brained acid-pissers. If you were actual people with jobs and hobbies you wouldn't be manipulating others for your pathetic living.

You are wrong on every level, and may you be fucked the fuck off at low low prices by chemically-enhanced orangutans who are addicted to pr0n, cas!n0s, and cheese-dipped anti-depressants.

I think I see some spam zen in this. What possibilities are there, for example, in the juxtaposition of "erection," "life insurance" and "standardized event?"

Spam? What are you fellows talking about?

I'm really starting to worry about you boys... ;)