it comes in pints?

Oh, so many things I could completely go off on.

But I am going to stick to one thing, and get all my bile out about it.

The nanny-staters.

The nanny-staters can fuck off, with child-safe caps, safety handles, and warning knobs.

I have seen three separate things in the news/blogosphere this week that made smoke come out of my ears:

1. Some nutjob is calling for disposable batteries to be treated as a "controlled substance" because of the alleged harm they do to the environment. (Niiiice. So Homeland Security is telling me to be sure to have batteries for my radio and flashlight and bottled water in case of emergency, and the enviros want to take those away, so I don't have a chance to keep myself safe in an emergency)

2. Some southern-fried politician wants to introduce a bill to ban restaurants from serving anyone with a BMI of 30 or above. (Because fat people never travel, fat people never get put out of their homes by emergencies, and even if they do, they should just suck it up and starve until they can go back and hide under a rock like they're s'posed to).

3. "OMG WTF BBQ WATCHING SPORTS MAKES YOU DED!!!" (that one was even in the New York Times).

Look, nanny staters, shut up. Just STFU. I don't want to hear it.

I am a fucking ADULT. You expect me to shoulder adult-type responsibilities like paying my damnable taxes (always going up thanks to your efforts), holding down a full-time job, doing volunteer work, going to the dentist every six months and the gyn every year, and sundry other Not Fun things. Because that is part of being an adult.

But: if I have these responsibilities, I also expect some adult-type freedoms:

the freedom to choose what I eat

the freedom to choose WHERE I eat

the freedom to buy batteries for my radio, my walkman, my tv remote control, and the smoke detectors that you happen to have mandated I have

the freedom to spend my disposable cash on whatever legal products I want to buy

the freedom to spend my free time as I see fit, whether that's watching sports, going to the movies, hiking, sewing, reading...whatever.

the freedom to decide myself if I'm too fat and need to do something about it

the freedom of whether to smoke or not (I don't, but that's neither here nor there)

In short, I want the things that make adulthood worthwhile. Do not take those from me. Don't even joke about it.

Nannystater buttpuck dingleberries, bugger off, leave me along, and GET OFFA MY DAMN LAWN!

thank you.

I hadn't heard that one about the restaurants. Jeez, that's just harsh. And stupid.

Yeah. And even leaving aside how people feel about fat people (I have a BMI of about 25 so I'm a borderline fat person, so a lot of the fat-hatred gets to me), the fact that this lamebrain wants to tell businessmen that they cannot sell a legal product to a certain segment of the population because he's concerned about their "well-being" is just stupid.

Maybe there are some people who eat out ONCE a freaking year, on their birthday. It would really suck to go to a restaurant on your birthday, be made to jump on a scale, and be told, "Sorry, you're too fat. Can't serve you"

As far as I've been able to determine the bill is for real (it's in Mississippi, where, thank God, I am NOT). It does contain the weasel word of "certain establishments" in the title but I suspect the guy - who is a former pharma salesman - wants to extend it to all establishments.

Holy crap. Being in Memphis, I'm right outside Mississippi and I've got family in Hattiesburg and Biloxi. I might have to avoid visiting in the future if they're not going to let me eat when I go there. Man. Just fuck those fucking fuckers.

Seriously, the more I think about that, the more it makes me ANGRY.

Ugh, nanny-staters. And that whole BMI thing is so freaking bogus. Wasn't it shown that according to the BMI standards, some people on, say, a college crew team, would be considered overweight or obese? It's such a joke. (And how would the restaurants determine this anyway? Ask people their height and weight?)

"Weather hysteria" can FTFO. I don't get the flailing arms and the "Possible school closings! Allow yourself a ton of extra time to commute!" screaming, when we know the bad weather happens in the same darn places every time--the extreme north and west of the region. They get ice and snow, and we get rain and sludge. Please.

Of course, on the other hand, I think so many people fell for it that it made my commute a piece of cake this morning.

Our lender can fuck off. I'm confident that since they are a nationwide mortgage company affiliated with a large multi-national financial corporation (that rhymes with "FACE") that maybe -- JUST MAYBE -- they've come across people who are getting a VA loan. But you wouldn't know it from the way they're acting.

"Yes, we DO have your Certificate of Eligibility, but we need the form where you requested the Certificate."

"But we obviously requested it. YOU HAVE IT."

"Yes, I know, but I need the form that shows you requested it. And your husband needs to sign this affidavit that swears you are his wife."

"Do we have to be married to get a loan?"

"No, but you said on your application you were his wife. We need him to verify that."

"Is this 1950?"

"Sorry?"

"Never mind."

UGH. Fuck off.

Emily - no shit that those people are hurting more than they are helping. I was so pissed when I read that this morning.

Sheila - and attacking their website and shit, too. I'm with Andreas over at Operation Clambake. He proved what a genuine class act he was when he spoke out against that. Freedom of speech is freedom of speech is freedom of speech and no matter how much you don't like it, they deserve theirs as well. If the majority of the criticism against the Clams is their violation of the freedoms of others, you complete invalidate your point when you violate theirs. It's not funny. It's not cute. It gets everybody nowhere.

Yes, whoever is making the lovely Ricki's life miserable this week can fuck off with a funky-looking cratered rock shoved up their asses.

Second the fucking Nanny-Staters too. That restaurant thing is beyond outrageous and just one step short of Great Britain, where some doctors have proposed withholding medical care from the overweight and others. W. T. Mayhall Jr. can fuck off with a 50 gallon deep fryer full of trans fats shoved up his ass.

Code Pinkos can fuck off with their own protest signs shoved up their asses sideways.

The Berserkeley City Council (with one shining exception) can fuck off with protest signs shoved up their asses sideways.

Chris Matthews, with his utter contempt for the First, Second, Fourth, and Fifth Amendments, and anything or anybody not-Matthews, can fuck off with large boulder shoved up his ass.

Cancer can fuck off AGAIN.

Goodbyes can fuck off.

There's probably more but my blood is already boiling about that restaurant shit.

The Republican Party leadership - for allowing non-Republicans to vote in primaries, and for these winner-take-all primaries that coudl very well give us a candidate that only a third of the party really wants. Take a flying leap, you jerks! You peope need to be run out of town, deported, and forced to listen to William Shatner covers of every song recorded by Led Zeppelin.

By "you" I mean the RNC, not present company.

The GOP has me fuming more than Mauna Loa.

Aloha, dudes.

I'm almost sorry I shared the restaurant bit because it seems to have made a lot of people angry. (Though I suppose knowing and being angry is better than not knowing and having it sneak up on us).

It's almost enough to make me want to drive down to the Chick-Fil-A and order a fried chicken sandwich, the biggest size of their (delicious) waffle fries, and a milkshake. And to tell the counter person I'm doing it to stick my thumb in Mayall's eye. (I know he or she would never get it but saying it would probably make me feel happy)

(I said ALMOST. I don't have time; I'm going to go home to grade papers and have a peanut butter sandwich and some fruit instead).

"fig", nee "Advanced Lipodissolve", can fuck off with volcanic ass. It's bad enough your fucking scam cheated many of your employees, investors and patients, but deciding to stop paying all the utilities on the buildings you own without telling anyone was a nice fucking touch.

In the case of the Clams, laughter is the best disinfectant. Ridicule, laughter and finger-pointing.

I think Alan was in my parents' TV room last night. Except my parents don't know about the Led Zepplin covers.

Am joining in on the nanny-staters and cancer FOs. FUCK OFF!

And those that say McCain is a done deal can Fuck Off too. McCain himself can fuck off.

ANYONE trying to control what or who resturants can serve (you reading this, NYC?) can get ass plowed by Emeril on a space shuttle booster. FUCK YOU, you over-employed hacks.

Otherwise, I can only endorse what y'all have already said, including the asspies bugging ricki. I got nothin' today.

Everything and anything making ricki have a bad week can FUCK THE FUCK OFF WITH FUCKING CHEESE ENCRUSTED MOTHERFUCKING BUTTPUCKS. Whether it's Hillary "Popeye Ankles" Clinton and her immensely inane nanny FUCKING state MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT -FUCK YOU HILL, YOU FUCKING SOCIALIST IN DENIAL FUCKHEAD. Or whether its that FUCKING CHEAP ASS MOTHERFUCKING DEADBEAT MOOTHERFUCKING CAMPUS AND ITS FUCKING FUCKTART ADMINISTRATION not giving thir teahcers well FUCKING deserved MOTHER FUCKING RAISES AND FUCKING BENEFITS - you Dickensian SCROOGE MOTHER FUCKING ELITIST BASTARDS. or those FUCKING ASSNUGGETS that cant seem to find a compliment for someone who busts their humbp for the good of the community if YOU SHOVED THAT FUCKING COMPLIMENT UP THEIR TSK-TSKING RECTUMS - FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKS. THAT THERE IS CALLED A FUCK YOU PALINDROME, FUCKERS. Or mr whiny student FUCKING momma's boy that whines about the FUCKING TIME OF FUCKING DAY: GROW THE FUCK UP AND GROW SOME TESTICLES, FUCKNERD. Life aint like playing with FUCKING BARBIES OR EASY BAKE FUCKING OVENS. Or mr. There's nobody else buT me student who wants everyone's schedules rearranged around him: FUCK THE FUCK OFF, FUCKHOSE. find something constructive to do - LIKE SETING YOUR FUCKING HAIR ON FIRE OR SOMETHING - for those few hours in between FUCKING CLASSES, DICKHEAD. And those students who ask for the moon CAN FUCK THE FUCK OFF AS WELL, you take what we give you and make fucking happy about it, FUCKCRATERS. jUST WAIT TILL YOU GET TO THE REAL WORLD MOTHERFUCKERS. And Britney can FUCK THE FUCK OFF JUST FOR BEING FUCKING BRITNEY LITTLE FUCKING SLUT BITCH MOTHERFUCKER.

And everything having to do with FUCKING VALENTINES CN FUCK THE FUCK OFF, EVEN THE FUCKING NAME VA...oh...um... wait a second...

HAHAHAHAHA!

Wow...I'm speechless. Having the things that have been bugging me told to "fuck off" by Val...that's like, that's like winning the Nobel Prize (one of the REAL ones, not like the Peace Prize) and the Academy Award (again, one of the REAL ones, not like "best documentary that promotes our political agenda") and having Simon Cowell tell you you sing well, all at once.

I am truly humbled.

Thank you, Val.

Grrrrrr!!!!!

The Berkley City Council, and all of the moonbats infesting that pimple on the ass of America, can fuck off and die with a rusty bayonet.

If I could cut around the city limits of Berkley and drop it in the middle of some third world dictatorship (say, Cuba or North Korea), I would do it in a heartbeat.

And as those turd brains plummet towards their comrades in arms, the last thing they would see from me is this.

I think that's the first time I've seen "Dickensian" in a FO--this English major is loving it.

People who volunteer TMI can fuck off. My SIL just sent me an e-mail asking me if I can watch the kids while she and my brother attend some documentary on homebirth. (Which is interesting b/c she knows I was born at home--well, not on purpose--but I guess she's too "uncomfortable" to talk to my mom.)

I hope it scares them into the hospital, 'cause her track record ain't so great. Freakin' pie-in-the-sky ideas.

"2. Some southern-fried politician wants to introduce a bill to ban restaurants from serving anyone with a BMI of 30 or above. (Because fat people never travel, fat people never get put out of their homes by emergencies, and even if they do, they should just suck it up and starve until they can go back and hide under a rock like they're s'posed to)."

yeah, that's me. Just watch them try.

And Val, I bow before you.

Anyway, on to what I came over here for: The stigma about Mental Illness can fuck off. I really hate it when beautiful people are ashamed of themselves because they have a DISEASE. A very treatable DISEASE that isn't nearly as nasty as the stomach flu or irritable bowel syndrome.

After watching a brief bit of the morning news here, the LAPD can fucking fuck the fuck off with assnuggets (thanks for that gem, Val!) for spending 25 THOUSAND DOLLARS of the money of the taxpayers of Los Angeles to escort Britney Spears to the hospital

25 FUCKING THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS.

And a double fuckity fuck off to the spokesperson who appeared on said news to claim the expense was justified because they needed protection from the paparazzi.

Um...with fucking HELICOPTERS. What, are these bottom feeders flying around in the fucking sky now?

I used to feel bad for Britney. I thought she was a cute and talented girl who just had the bad fortunate to have stage parents who sold out her childhood and education for money and fame. Now I just want her to GO THE FUCK AWAY.

TWENTY FIVE FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GET A DRAMA QUEEN TO THE HOSPITAL.

And another fuck off to that insincere jackass Dr. Phil. Gee, first you butt in where you're not asked and then you make the grand announcement to the press that you think it's "good" that a woman who is quite publicly and obviously mentally ill is in the hospital. Thank goodness we have educated geniuses like you to make such bold and informed conclusions. I never would have figured that out on my own, you exploitive lardass.

Oh, holy shit. Unbelievable. That 25 grand could have bought a lot of duct tape, which would have been more useful in dealing with the drama queen.

To my dear friend, my auto mechanic: Howsabout when you say the truck will be done around 12:30, having the truck done around 12:30? There abouts.

Now, I'm a realist, and I also work customer service. That latter thing said, I'm also a pretty easy going guy. So, it's cool if it's gonna be late.

But when the truck isn't even close, when I call to ask, how about letting my big ass know? Just so I don't end up getting a ride to the shop, only to find myself sitting a waiting room reading a seven month old copy of Outside magazine nearly two hours later.

Alternately, take that seven month old copy of Outside magazine, your promises of "it's almost done" and your debit card reader that you can't get to work, roll them all up, and take them with you as you fuck off....

They're not obese, dammit! They're Abundant-Americans!

Having ballooned in the last few years from "emaciated" to merely "scrawny," I'm probably not affected by this. But I'd like to see them try to refuse service to my lovely, brilliant and wonderfully-upholstered wife.

Go ahead, mister restaurant manager. Tell her. I'll wait over there.

Being forced to listen to the theme from "Austin Powers" while on hold by our IT dept (that's short for IdioT) can Fuck The Fuck Off! Do you know how long it takes to get that song out of one's head? I was to the point of wishing Val would sing Copacabana!)

Having major accidents on I-45 four out of five days this week can FUCK THE FUCKIEST FUCK OFF! One was a TWELVE car pile up, IN THE OTHER DIRECTION, but of course EVeryone had to SLOOOOW DOWN to look. The only good thing about it: being behind a car with the Most Appropriate Bumper Sticker Ever:

"SLOW DOWN
This ain't LA!"

And finally, the writer's strike can FTFO! I'm tired of watching reality shows and reruns of Two and a Half Men. To paraphrase Rodney King, "Why can't you all just get along?" Enough already. Make nice-nice and let us get back to being the couch potatoes you know we are.

That's all I got!

And yes, Ken, that's a new blog name. Thought it was time to introduce A to the world of blogging.

I would have to cause great physical harm to any restaurant employee who told me I couldn't eat at their establishment. I would cause severe physical harm to any politician that voted to pass such an incredibly stupid law.

I'm not what you would call "fat", but my BMI is "obese" because I happen to go to the gym quite a bit and lift very heavy objects regularly, thus causing my muscles to grow to larger than normal sizes. This has increased my weight beyond the text book normalcy. Granted, I could stand to lose a little chub around the middle, but my shoulders are wider than my hips, so it's not like I'm built like King Kong Bundy.

But mainly, what everyone else said about this, fuck right the fuck off you fucking toad fallacio artists. I am an actual fucking real life adult - I pay way the fuck too much in taxes, I have a fucking j-o-b, and a shit load of student loan debt. I really don't need to be told how to live my life. I mean seriously, I don't even take this kind of shit from my parents, why the fuck do you think I would take it from my government?