it comes in pints?

Fuck off to the reasons making Emily too fucking tired!

The voting system in Texas can FO.
We have a primary AND a caucus.
So even if you do the early-voting thing, they STILL want you to go to the caucus at 7:15 pm on voting day! WTF is up with that? Only in bassackwards Texas would we have such a stupidass system.

Wow, Julie, that IS messed up.

I have a little one for today. Some may think it's petty, but considering the amount of time and goodwill that it wastes for every single human being with an e-mail account, I think it's justified:

Spammers can fuckitty fuck the fucking fuck off, with a rusty server "blade." And with silicon chips and chees.

I am so SICK and TIRED of opening my damn e-mail box every morning, finding 20 new mails in the IN box (let alone the 300 that are in the "quarantine" box) and finding that NOT ONE of those e-mails is a letter from a friend, or a comment on my blog, or even a stinking coupon for a store I shop at. No. It's all the dadgummed "Make your wiener bigger!" or "Find lonely horny housewives!" or "Get an almost-real diploma without ever going to class!" or "Here's an almost-real watch - see, it says Rolexxx!"

I DO NOT WANT any of it. I find it frustrating - some idiot, somewhere, must fall for these come-ons or else we'd see a slowdown in spam.

(So okay: the people who send money to the spam things - you can fuck off too).

For once, I'd love to open my inbox and find it with only mail that I want in it.

Julie, California is right behind you. With this big push on getting people to vote by mail, they were still counting votes more than a week after the primary.

Oh yes, fervently second the fuck off to spammers!

Ricki,
What I can't stand are the persistent ones that come over and over and over again when I think my not responding the first 500 million times they were sent might be a fucking clue. No, I do not want to buy land in Costa Rica and do not even OWN a timeshare, let alone want to sell it to you. Please leave me the hell alone. The worst is when they have an unsubscribe feature that they IGNORE. Fuck you. Leave me alone.

Actually, I've read that with some of the more unscrupulous spammers, they just figure when people go to the "unsubscribe" link, that means they've got a "live" e-mail address.

I wish I were smart enough to write a little bounce script that I could apply to all the spam I get...so it would send 500 copies back to the box of the person who sent it (And yeah, I know, a lot of them use spoofed addresses, but I'm dreaming here. And while I'm dreaming...maybe the bounce script could also go through the Internet, to the spammer's computer, and blow the computer up while the bounce script climbs out of the CPU and throttles the spammer where he or she sits...)

The worst spammer, in my opinion: eharmony. Once they have your email, they never let go. Every other day they send me something, even tho I haven't used their service (which was a complete waste of time and money)for over 2 years!
Can't someone invent an anti-spam spray or something?

ricki, if you have a few shekels to spare, I suggest picking up MailWasher Pro. I use it, and spam is less of a problem for me. You still have to manage your e-mail, but it's less of a chore, even if you need two applications (MailWasher and your e-mail package).

AND....it includes a "bounce" feature!

Emily adds: I fixed the link. You forgot a quote mark there, Jeff.

Anyhoo, retreating from problem solving mode.....

Work can fuck off. This is more of a whine than anything else, but my boss announced her retirement yesterday.....in early April. I thought she was good for a few more years, and this came as a surprise.

Problem being, she's one of the top 3 bosses I've had.....and the other two wore uniforms!

Her reasons for retirement are sound, and that's not what I want to fuck off. She's earned it.

No, now I have some decisions to make, most of them unpleasant. Specifically, do I want to shove myself into supervisor mode, do I lay back and just wait for the next boss, or do I look for a new job.

The problem being, each of those options has a downside:

+ Being a supervisor in this organization SUCKS. It's a huge administrative workload, and I ain't in the mood to re-enter that battleground. Been there, done that, don't care to do it again. The work I do know is good, useful, and I'm capable of it. I am fully aware of the old saw, "People are promoted to their first level of INcompetence".

+ The odds are excellent that we WILL get a loser as a replacement. If nothing else, there's one dude in this building pining for the job because it was "promised" to him by the good ol' boy network (and the knives were out and getting sharpened when he didn't get it, let me tell you). There are other losers waiting in line.

+ Looking for a new job is going to be difficult, given my age, profession, and location.

Truth be told, I am *comfortable* here, and I now I get to decide just how UNcomfortable I will be. So, work can FUCK OFF WITH CHEESE COVERED ASS NACHOS WHILE GETTING ASSPLOWED BY A DISEASED SASQUATCH ON A MOPED!!!!!!

And, like I said, I'm whining. So I can fuck off as well. But I'll kicking work in the ass, as we both trot merrily down Ass Pie Avenue towards Fuckoffville.

It's Friday?? Sheesh, already?

Julie, Here.

Via Isaac Schrodinger.

I'm with Emily about the tired part. What did I even get done this week? Maybe my "soul is broken." (Yeah, that lady can STFU pronto.)

Ricki--Rolex with 3 x's seems awfully dirty.

So does MailWasher Pro's "bounce" feature make your inbox fluffy and nice smelling?

Don't get me wrong--snow is nice if you don't have to be anywhere. All the boroughs and townships I had to pass through to get to work this morning can FTFO for plowing at stupid times or not plowing at all. A gi-hugeous FO to the big butthead in a pickup truck who would NOT give me the right of way in spite of the fact that the police car, the tow truck, and the car needing to be towed off the side of the road were on HIS SIDE. He kept coming at me and I nearly got stuck in a ditch trying to avoid him. Why does precipitation cause drivers' IQ's to drop???

Hedge funds can fuck off with computer generated fibonachos and cheese numeric trading models. May their asses get as distorted as every commodity market that they dive in to and completely FUCK UP.

Especially when it's my fucking market.

"FUCK OFF WITH CHEESE COVERED ASS NACHOS WHILE GETTING ASSPLOWED BY A DISEASED SASQUATCH ON A MOPED"

Jeff just took the lead.

Of course, Val hasn't checked in yet.

Emily --- thanks for fixing the link!

So does MailWasher Pro's "bounce" feature make your inbox fluffy and nice smelling?

BUAWHAHAHAHAAHA!!! Well, Kate, it certainly keeps a lot of s**t out of it!

And I humbly await the FFOT posting by Val.

Migraines can fuck off. I've taken enough ibuprofen today to choke an elephant, but it's still hanging around, banging on the inside of my head like Stomp! on steroids.

Ugh.

The employers that won't hire me despite my excellent qualifications (I can sit at a desk for hours, come on!) can fuck off!

as we both trot merrily down Ass Pie Avenue towards Fuckoffville.

Tra la, tra la...

(Incidentally, it happens that I know what organization that is, and my grandfather retired from it years ago in a supervisory capacity. Worked at the same location you're at now, in fact, back when it was new. I wouldn't want to have to negotiate the office politics there. Where I'm at is bad enough, but your outfit is bloody frightening.)

Speaking of where I'm at, the Evil Kingdom of Hagadonia can fuck off and die, too. I'll be spending the weekend down at the office putting together publications that nobody can figure out what they want to put in them. And my ass will be on the line if my psychic powers don't divine what my corporate masters failed to envision the first fucking time! (Awkward syntax can fuck off too.)

Washington's primary system can fuck off and die with chads a-hanging. Because of partisan wrangling I am not skilled to understand, we get ballots in the mail that we can't fucking use because they require an oath that we are registered Republicans. (To vote as a Democrat, all I'd have to do is swear that "I consider myself" a Democrat. Which is sort of symbolic of their whole weltanschauung, if you ask me.) To top it off, it sounds like the caucuses have already done the actual electing, and the primary ballots are pro forma anyway.

Fuck you all in the right nostril! Our primary system was working just fine until some useless fucking chairwarmer decided if we were happy with it, there must be a problem somewhere. Being a Republican in Washington means that your vote is only an empty gesture anyway. But you could at least have left us that gesture. Here, have a different one instead!

Laura, I'll have to watch it tonight. Youtube sets off too many alarms around here. Thanks :-).

Lisa, have you tried taking your migraine meds with Dr Pepper? I have a friend who swears DP makes migraine meds work better. Hope you feel better.

And now, back to my chicken tortilla soup. :-)

The fucking bastards my father works for who transferred him halfway across the country then fired him so close to retirement (but not close enough) because they didn't want to honor the "buy-out" provision on his former home (which still has not sold) can FUCK the FUCK OFF with cheese enrusted slot machine arms, unmarked dice and a roulette wheel.

Oh, he works for a casino...in case you missed that part.

Joel, what is your definition of "new location"? One meaning says that you're an incredibly virile old fart. Another says that we passed each other in the hallways, 'cuz I've been at the new "new location" since it was built. If we are speaking about the same "new location", I mean! And who WAS your grandfather? We need to discuss this off-line, fer sure.

And I'll second your fuck off to the Washington state primary system. I voted Republican even though I am not formally registered as one; if they want to get pissy, I'll just give them the Richard Pryor defense. They know where I live.

Even worse, what THE FUCK is the idea of splitting the delegate vote between a caucus AND a primary? Beelzebub on a bouncing boob! That is so incredibly BYZANTINE, that I can't even imagine what sort of clueless, ass pie munching, political class fuckwit could even begin to DREAM that this was a good idea. Copious quantities of drugs and alcohol must have been involved while writing those rules.

So, a hearty and sincere FUCK OFF TO ALL WASHINGTON STATE POLITICIANS WHO HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA THAT THEIR FUCKING HEADS ARE SHOVED SO FAR UP THEIR FUCKING ASSES THAT ASS NACHOS BECOME AN IMPORTANT DAILY VITAMIN FOR THEIR CONTINUED HEALTH!!!!!!!

Okay, now I seriuosly have a fuck off...last night when I got home, my electricity was off. I wasn't sure if it was an outage or a problem with the electric company. Whatever. Light some candles, read a book, go to bed. Well, I called the electric company today and it wasn't a problem with them. Nothing. No outages, my balance due on the account is zero, they didn't authorized or order my services to be suspended. Which means my landlord - without notice or giving me a reason - turned my shit off and didn't say boo. I don't know what the FUCK that is about, but there are a few people that are going to get an earful from me this afternoon, I can tell you that much.

That sucks, Emily! Ream 'em out. Hope your power's back on soon.

There is a person I know - with whom I am forced to spend a certain amount of time - who is the kind of person who gets aggrieved about EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING that happens that he does not like is somehow being done specifically to thwart his happiness and make him look bad. EVERYTHING that happens is intentionally designed to harm him in the greatest possible way.

And it's driving me up a wall. As I said, I can't avoid this person. I've TRIED again and again being very "zen" about it (to misuse the name of an ancient religion in a very modern context). I've tried reminding him that I personally have greater concerns in my life than whatever he's currently frothing about, even though he's describing at length how it's going to affect me, too. I remind him that "roll with it" is an admirable philosophy when something happens that you personally cannot change.

I have, in fact, done everything short of literally telling him to fuck off and leave me alone. Because I'm too polite to say that in person.

But he doesn't listen to my polite demurrals. And he keeps coming to me and griping/whining/bitching about how he's being screwed over in a new way this week.

And it's seriously getting me down.

So this particular individual can sod off quite seriously. And yes, that's intentional. And yes, it's intended to thwart the apparent satisfaction and twisted happiness he derives from being upset at EVERYTHING.

Because, you know? Sometimes little shit is just little shit. You look at it, you go yeah, that's some little shit, shrug your shoulders, and move on.

If I didn't think it would make him even more upset, I'd forward him a copy of that new study that says hostility and depression and pessimism seem to be contributing factors to heart disease in middle-aged men.

Kate - not only does it suck, it is flat out ILLEGAL to do that to a tennant who has paid their bills. Thanks for the well wishes. That shit had better be back on by the time I get home.

Ricki - I had a roommate like that in college. This woman was about 50 kinds of fucked up. She's one of those people who had been in therapy of some kind or another since she was a small child, and it did more to mess her up than help her. She treated every person she knew like they were her personal therapist and made this enormous deal to everyone and anyone that would listen about all the trivial concerns of her life as if they were massive, not only to her, but to everyone else as well. It was obnoxious. She just had no clue whatsoever that we ALL have headaches and pains in the ass in our lives, the difference is, we don't try and make other people adopt ours on top of their own. Living with that chick was a NIGHTMARE.

Ricki, that's so exhausting being around those people. Those incredibly self-centered people... it's fun to bait to them a little and say things like, "Oh, how awful it must be to be YOU! Wow, if I were you I could scarcely sit up and take nourishment. How DO you even leave the house?!" It is ALL about them, those precious fools. God forbid something bad should actually happen to them? Bless their pointed little heads.

And Texas? For real, the voting system for the primary/caucus is as fucked up as a football bat.

One more thing: I have a friend who calls that type of TMI (too much information) sharing "vomiting the garlic milkshake" all over anyone and everyone who comes in their path. Sort of like BLEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH. This person you know seems to be some complete idiot with zero sense of boundaries and zero emotional intelligence.

How fucking fun for everyone to share in the emotional garlic milkshake vomit experience that spews forth on a daily basis.

Someone gets to go off to a fucking 4-day motorcycle class for a brand new $18,000 fucking motorcycle when the fucking ac/heating system needs to be replaced in the house along with a new fucking roof and I get to drive all over hell and fucking creation to get all four kids to their activities in the fucking rain for the next two days while your mother's fucking lap-yapper is STILL here two fucking days after she's gotten back from out of town.

This can fuck off with a fucking exhaust pipe shoved up whatever orifice pleases you the fucking most.

Quoting from my daughter's email with her permission b/c this just seems to fit. She was having trouble with her laptop and I told her to run chkdsk (which you have to have a whole procedure for now).

"I just completed the checkdisk thing... last night I had to wrestle with all the other things I run, trying to get them updated. Spybot insisted on downloading and installing the new edition of it, and I couldn't make it not, so I was like whatever (there's some grammar for you) and let it and waited three years for it to install itself, but then it was like REBOOT and I was like NO and then I was like FINE WHATEVER and I rebooted and it was like HEY I HAVE TO INSTALL MYSELF NOW and I was like NO YOU DON'T GO AWAY. So I ran the old version of spybot and I guess it worked fine. It took deep into the night, but it didn't find any problems. Ask Daddy should I reinstall the new Spybot or just keep using the old one? Also, ask him what is ad-watch? It appeared on my desktop along with the new adaware.

"anyhow, I'm writing this email to test that the typing works, which it appears to do. I have not tested writing on the screen.

"oh- the new spybot calls itself spybotsd152. ask daddy what that is as well. I am confused."

I have felt a bit jealous that in my day you had a SPIRAL NOTEBOOK and a PEN but now I think we were spared something. And it amuses me to think that if I and my peers had read these paragraphs from my girl we would have been completely mystified. Spybot? What the HELL?

Laura, I actually understand most of that message. I think that's a problem, but I'll have to noodle it for a while.

More accurately, I think that *I* have a problem. But everyone already knew that.