it comes in pints?

Fuck off to the pissant, snotty bureaucrats pushing the "obesity epidemic" bullshit. Separate rant coming on when I have time.

Men having to go to their wife's cousin's baby showers can fuck off. I don't care if the rest of us men have to go to keep her cousin's brother (aka, her other cousin) and her cousin's baby-daddy company: Quite frankly, I don't care for either of them. They can fuck the fuck off too, as can my wife's aunt for insisting that we all go otherwise she'll resent us. Fuck her.

I've read that baby showers aren't just for women anymore. Fuck that. I'll fucking deal with body washes and aromatic body sprays, I'll even put up with the concept of men getting manicures and doing something called "exfoliation".

But the line must be drawn here! This far and no further! And I will make them pay for what they have done!

I'd rather watch Battlefield Earth and Kirk Cameron's "The Way of the Master" sober, thank you very much.

Can someone please direct me to the nearest suicide booth?

Sorry, Bill. The suicide booth was torn down to build a Global Warming Resource Center.

Bill,
Hahaha. I've been to baby showers where there were guys. They've been a lot of fun. Mostly they were just parties with booze and good food and cake and shit where some chick just happened to get a lot of stuff for the baby she's about to have. Granted, these are the kind of people who give presents like miniature Doc Martens and baby-sized Ramones t-shirts as gifts, but as far as I know, none of those guys were made to feel like the "had" to come. Jeez.

And Julie - that was really funny.

I can sympathize, Bill. I once got accidentally roped into a Tupperware party. My own fault, really, I was too polite to just walk out when it started.

1. My allergies can FTFO right now. Blisters on my palate? Lovely, wonderful. Eyes that look like I've either been smokin' weed or have a full-blown case of pinkeye? Just frabjous. Producing enough snot to repopulate the entire Land O Mucinex Green Slimy Critters? Terrific. Taking antihistamines to fight all that and staying up all night because they're "nonsedating" which apparently means "makes ricki not sleep at all"? FTFO.

2. Litterbugs can FTFO. Once again, as a "volunteer opportunity" I am going to spend an entire Saturday morning picking up your leavings. As will many other good citizens of my city (and also the students I've bribed with extra credit points). And I know it will look just as bad as it does now in three weeks. It is so totally useless to think of all the time we spend doing something we should not have to just because some nostril-excavating, IQ-below-room-temperature slobs decided that they couldn't POSSIBLY keep that empty Taco Bell bag in their car until they reached and put it in their own trash can.

3. Spammers can FOAD, doubly so spammers who steal one's email address and use it as a spoof address for their vile spam. (I'm dealing with that AGAIN.)

Following on my previous comment, a hearty, full-fat fuck off to Monica Grenfell, whoever the fuck she is.

My father in law, brother in law and I have been told that we "have to come", otherwise her aunt will hate us for the rest of her life. She apparently thinks she can treat us the same was she treats her husband.

The only guy in the family who's not coming is my wife's uncle, because he and her male cousin frequently come to blows whenever in close proximity to one another.

To add insult to injury, it's a cash bar, so I can't even drink until I forget I'm at a fucking baby shower.

My current plan is to nurse two beers at the bar for four hours, watch the baseball game on the TV, speak as little as possible, and hate my wife's aunt for the rest of my life.

Oh, and Bill:

I'm a chick, and the words "baby shower" or "bridal shower" make me come out in big giant hives. I can't imagine a guy having to be dragged to one of those things.

And Ken:

as a borderline fat chick who likes to be able to eat real food without being harassed by the lifestyle cops, I eagerly await your rant.

Bill,
Can't you sneak in a flask? At least there's going to be baseball....

I'm considering it. I do have a bottle of Chivas in the house. What's the worst that can happen...they'll throw me out of the place?

Well, if you're smart about it, the worst that can happen is you'll wake up with a hangover and nobody will know the difference except you.

Bill,

If you cant sneak in a flask, youll have to shotgun at least three beers right before going into the baby shower place. that way, your two nursed beers during the event will have a better effect. Of course you can always use the "rum in Ziplock hidden in pants, bartender Ill just have a Coke please" approach as well.

Emily,

Funny your FFOT today shoul dbe about FUCKS that ont seem to give a FUCK about anything. Mine is as well:

To the three fucks that laughed at that old man at the gas station because finally, after God knows how many years, he is seeing some changes in Cuba and has the gall and audacity to be happy about it, perhaps, even, content in the fact that he may very well possibly outlive that MOTHERFUCKING FIDEL FUCKING CASTRO, FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU MOTHERFUCKING SORRY FUCKING EXCUSE FOR FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS. The three of you should consider yesterday your new FUCKING birthday because i let your sorry asses FUCKING LIVE after showing such incredible fucking disrespect for an old man whose life and troubles you know nothing about and whose few sources of hapiness at his age include maybe seeing the country and people he left behind free, you MOTHERLESS MOTHERFUCKING FUCKHEAD BASTARD MOTHERFUCKERS.

Yeah, Emily, is that some sort of "reverse poser" thing to announce how much one does not care about a particular subject?

Sorry about the compulsory shower attendance, Bill, and the allergy stuff, Ricki. Maybe if we mixed Bill's Chivas and Ricki's meds we'd feel pretty good.

Mayors who put pointless gun laws in place and demand they be enforced before the state catches up with them (and strikes them down) can FTFO. First it was smoking, then transfats, now guns. Nutjob thinks he can save the city with a bunch of regulations? Please.

Finding typos on completed documents--especially when it's someone else screwing up what you started--can totally FTFO. Using spellcheck is word processing 101. Proofreading is expected of a professional. Failing to do either or both in spite of repeated request to do so is just careless and obnoxious.

Tree hugging, fish loving, people hating environmentalists can fuck off with a rusty axe.

Government procurement rules, originally intended to prevent misappropriation of funds, and now organized to prevent government employees from actually doing their jobs, can fuck off with a slimy slide ruler.

Bill...went to a baby shower last week. There was a beer canoe and a ton and a half of fried chicken. I'd probably sit and listen a double bill of Al Sharpton and Tom Cruise if there's beer and fried chicken.

I'll second the fuck off to sports snobs, too. Went to a minor league game last night, and was asked by a co-worker "why you wasting your time with that?"

Fuck all that. For one, if I want to poke myself in my eyes with my fingers for 3 hours, that's my choice. For two, am I dragging your opinionated ass out to the game and forcing you to sit?

Tommy - seriously. What a rude thing to say to someone. Why not just come out and say "why do you enjoy entertainment? How could you possibly want to spend your time in a way that I would choose not to?"

Fuck off, asshole. If you're so much better, go home and jack off to an episode of NOVA or something.

And Tommy - I have no idea what a "beer canoe" is, but I want one.

For Emily.

Whoops! Sorry, forgot the quotes.

AWESOME!!!!!

We could have had a beer canoe, but alas, we only had a chocolate fountain. I did not know such wonders were possible.

Besides, the chocolate fountain looked kind of like the Stanley Cup, so I was sold.

Why did I come in here again?

Well, I hate to be Debbie Downer on the FTFO thread, since y'all are having such fun, but I wanted to let you know that Baby Ethan lost his battle with leukemia last Saturday. You don't have to be a parent to recognize the enormity of the Powell's loss, but as parent losing a child is something I can't even wrap my mind around. If I think about it longer than 1.5 seconds, I start to sob.

Cancer fucking sucks. No one should die of it, but babies? Damn.

Oh Lisa, so terribly sorry to hear that! My heart goes out to the family!

Boo to babies with leukemia. How terrible. Rest in peace dear Ethan. At least we know Heaven just got a little brighter.

Oh, wait - NOW I remember.

Ignorant overly-political skunk-fuckers whose IQs are well within the error margin for a seat on the short bus can fuck the fuck off. It started with SI.com and spread to ESPN... now I go to the Invincible Super Blog, and in the comments there, people are calling Hiroshima and Nagasaki war crimes. Leave it the fuck alone. It's a fucking COMICS BLOG, not the McLaughlin Group. Even if I agreed with these people I'd want them to STFU already.

Look, I don't care if you like or hate Obama or Bush or Nader or anyone else, but what the holy fuck does it have to do with someone's rushing yardage? Why, when reading about sabermetrics, do I have to dodge gratuitous comments about Iraq and global warming?

When I post about hockey, it's about HOCKEY, not about American Idol or the economy or Basra or even the fucking metric fucking system. Your article, your rules, right? Well, right - but it's fucking ENOUGH already. People read comics and play sports and watch TV to get the fuck AWAY from these pandering kleptomaniacs for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES - can't we even have that with hearing monotonous talking points soaked in the drool of hopeless fuckwits? It's not enough for them all to tax our salaries into oblivion, now they have to fucking tax our minds? We have to pay them attention on their time table?

FUCK THAT NOISE! The only poverty they cure with these endless income shuffling programs is their own, while guaranteeing a steady supply of underclass dependent on them. The less I have to deal with these filthy parasites, the fucking better - and I definitely don't want to fucking deal with them during Baseball Tonight.

Thank God hockey is so unpopular that they don't try to get at us there - yet. For the rest, FUCK THE FUCK OFF already.

And especially Al "We Didn't Wait to Take Fred Phelps' Money" Gore, for that commercial equating the global warming malarky to the NORMANDY LANDINGS and the Civil Rights movement. Last I checked, people fucking DIED to free Europe and end segregation, and you dare to try to steal their honor by equating your fucking flim-flammery with their bravery? Fucking despicable runt-souled little shit sniffer. FUCK THE FUCK OFF, with your bullshit Nobel Prize dipped in organic, hormone-free cheese and genuine granola and shoved well and truly home.

Douchebag twatwaffle fuckers who leave big honking pieces of metal in the street for other people to run over can fuck off and die. Having to cancel my class and spend $781 for new tires can fuck off too.

And cancer can bend over and swallow its own ass.

And damn, I was too busy typing to see about baby Ethan. That is dreadful. I'm so sorry.

"And cancer can bend over and swallow its own ass."

Classic, CTG.

'Fly - yeah, I hate it the same when people do that with movies that aren't literally about politics. I can't stand people who politicize EVERYTHING. Fuck off. I don't want to hear what you think about George Bush in an article about Brendan Fucking Shanahan.

Lisa--so sorry to hear about little Ethan. CCFOAD, over and over, until we don't need to say it anymore.

(BTW I'm trying to picture 'Fly's description of "overly-political skunk-fuckers" and it's kinda funny and scary at the same time.)

Kate - I claim no credit. It just came to me. I was channeling dark forces beyond my ken. I had gone back to said comics blog just to see what happened after my plea for actual comics converstaion - I got a boring ol' "everything is political" drone from across the pond. It broke off something in my mind.

CTG, however, is that good on purpose. That line is an all-time classic.

Sports Illustrated can fuck the fuck off. Jeebus, it may be early in the Stanley Cup playoffs, but you think with those getting started, SI would have something more to write about hockey other than a prominent feature named "NHL players who look like celebrities!"

What the fuck is that noise?

Went to a minor league game last night, and was asked by a co-worker "why you wasting your time with that?"

Spoken like a city person. Where I grew up, high-school football and Little League baseball were sacred. And here in this one-and-a-half-horse town, we have a z-league team that people sneer at at their own peril.

I missed the part about baby Ethan the first time I went through here. I'm awfully sorry. Praying.

Oh hell, minor league baseball is great! Especially at the rookie and single-A levels where the "big sports star" mentality hasn't yet kicked in.

Actually, my dispassion regarding hockey is not out of a sense of superiority, in fact, it's a source of shame. I love the game, find it fascinating, but since I didn't grow up a fan, I have no emotional ties to any team. so when I watch it, I enjoy the sport, enjoy the action, but I can't get passionate about who wins -- something that enhances my enjoyment of other sports.

And I grew up watching American Legion ball, so while I miss San Diego and having a Major League team, I can still enjoy AA ball.

Is it too late for this thread? Can't wait for next Friday.

Suicide linked to you-know-who.

It's never too late for a FFO, Laura. And that link makes me want to track down some scumbags.

Laura,
The e-mail you send me wound up in my "spam" filter box and I only noticed it the split second I hit the "empty" button, so I didn't get a chance to read it. Sorry. If it was anything important and I didn't reply, it's not because I'm being rude or ignoring you!