it comes in pints?

I am Procrastina-TOR! And I can fuck off for it.

College students who give less than a femto-crap about their education can FTFO.

Leave, kids. Just, leave. Stop wasting your parents' (or the taxpayers') money, your time, the goodwill of your professors and your fellow students. Because regardless of what your parents and society may say, it's still possible to get a job without a college degree (especially if that degree is all Ds).

Also: if you find every class you are taking so utterly boring, how are you going to survive the workforce? Grow up and develop an interest in SOMETHING. Stop being too cool for school. That attitude is never appealing, especially once you hit 20 and are supposed to be a grown-up.

Oh, and a DOUBLE EXTRA MESSY FTFO if you show up at my office door saying, "I really really need a C (or better yet, "I really need a B"), what can I do?" this week after you've screwed off all semester. I WILL tell you, "Invent a time machine, go back in time, and actually do some work in the class." 'Cos that's the only way you're getting a C at this point....

The benighted creep who broke into my mailbox last Monday can definitely fuck off. Hey, jackass, I hope you got your arm sliced up from the effort of prying the front off and are currently nursing a raging infection because even that pain will not be equal to mine in that I've spent the week calling EVERY FUCKING PERSON AND INSTITUTION IN THE UNIVERSE to warn them that some ass with nothing better to do with his life might have gotten enough material out of there to try and steal my identity. Yes, I've placed fraud alerts and told the bank and the DMV and my cellphone carrier and pretty much everyone. Oh, and a smaller fuck off to the postal inspector for not getting back to me in anything approaching the specified "one business day" and when she did she didn't have our mailman's story straight so she had to go back and recheck to "confirm that a theft occurred." Another smaller fuck off to my landlord who appears in no hurry to replace the box even though it's blatantly unusable and I'm having to pick my mail up at the post office. And yet another for the assholes who keep sending pre-approved credit cards which I don't want and which I'm afraid might have been in there for this probably meth-addicted pice of shit to try and use.

Damn, that was a lot of fucking off. I feel better, though.

Once again, my sinuses can fuck the fuck off.

So can enzymes that don't have the activity they're supposed to have.

And so can Larry-fucking-Ellison and his piece of less than worthless shit called fucking-or*cle. Feh. Die with festering boils, you worthless dumpster diving pig.

Oh, no, Ricki--a job without a college degree? It couldn't possibly pay for all the luxuries their spoiled butts are used to! (Loving the time machine comment, though.)

Slackers who can't be bothered to spend five lousy minutes to proofread important papers b/c it cuts into their socializing time, leaving me to clean it up when it comes to me b/c I don't want my name on that hot mess, can FTFO w/giant paper clips jammed everywhere the sun don't shine.

Rumors that travel well ahead of formal announcements can FTFO as well.

Having to get up early to return my rental can fuck off, but the good news is that my car is back and it's fixed! Yay!!!

Sonetka--that sucks!!! Masterful FO, though.

FUCKING Jackasses who forget what price bought their freedom (even in mother fucking AUSTRALIA) can fuck off with a rusty spoon again and again and die in an agony of burning and dribbling shits.

Don't announce to an executive meeting that anything militaristic offends you, including MARCHING and UNIFORMS when you know NOTHING about your audience. Do you know how many of us are part of military families you brainless whore? Do you realize the dude seated 2 seats to your left that afternoon is a WEST FUCKING POINT GRADUATE??? Do you not understand that having a fucking colorguard at graduation is NOT FUCKING ABOUT THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING WAR. IT IS ABOUT PATRIOTISM AND PRIDE AND TRADITION AND RECOGNIZING A POSITIVE FORCE IN OUR COMMUNITY.

AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU ARROGANT SELFISH IGNORANT TWAT, IT. IS. WHAT. OUR. STUDENTS. WANT.

Last I checked this was THEIR party, not yours, you unbelievable buffoon. I know you think they are less than worthy of your consideration, but most of the rest of us think they are pretty special and deserve a great send-off. Not just one that glorifies YOU as the FUCKING GODDESS SAVIOR OF THE UNDERSERVED.

But in RL I sit and watch quietly. Awaiting your self-destruction by foot-in-mouth

and Ricki, LMAO at "femto-crap"

I lost track of my FO's, Emily!

The last one: the relative who contacts me only when he needs something from me--and then does so via not one but TWO TEXT MESSAGES, which I have to PAY for b/c I don't have them on my plan, can STFU and FO. You don't text people looking for a laptop battery at the last minute b/c you're itching to send your broken piece o'shit laptop away for repairs and realized that you need to back it up. You have a landline telephone. You have a general idea of who has laptops and it can't be that many. So be a grownup and stop scrambling around like one of Ricki's puerile students.

Hailstorms can FO.

(Fortunately the bad stuff didn't hit me.)

I do have one fuck off. It's kind of stupid, but so is the FFOT. What the fuck is up with fucking Yahoo! and that fucking search assist function? No, I do not need you to tell me what I am looking for when I use the search engine. It's nice that you give me an option to turn it off because it's fucking obnoxious, but Yahoo seems to be certain that I absolutely cannot live without it whether I think so or not and turns it back fucking on again every couple of weeks - and this isn't after I've dumped cookies or cleaned out my internet files so that my preferences were erased. It turns itself back on. I don't like it. I don't use it. I don't want it. It bothers the shit out of me. Fuck off, Yahoo and quit deciding my internet experience for me.

The Yahoo search-assist function needs to go and get involved with Microsoft's intolerable "Clippy," who used to pop up (until Microsoft fired him) and say, "It looks like you're writing a letter. Want some help?"

Eff no, Clippy. Get bent.

(Hee - "Get bent" to Clippy. I crack myself up.)

I just hope that the Search Assist Function and Clippy have some kind of what used to be called an "unnatural" relationship, so offspring aren't part of the bargain. Because we so do not need obsequious bits of programming running around asking if we need help or deciding on their own that we do.

Oh, that Microsoft Clippy dude thingie can seriously fucking the fuck off. So can Word or any other program that automatically does what it thinks I want it to do rather than, you know, doing exactly what I TELL it to do. Especially when it isn't made very, very easy to turn that shit OFF. I don't want it. Leave me alone, Clippy. You suck.

I remember reading multple articles about getting rid of Clippy for Office 2007--here's a snip from an Appscout interview with the Office Group program manager:

Q: Sadly, it seems like just about everyone that I've spoken with harbored some dislike for Clippy.

A: Yeah. Clippy was one of those features that split users in a very passionate way. There were actually a set of people who did like Clippy, and were sad to see him go. Some of those were people who just like having an animated cat or dog on their desktop, and there were people who liked the interface as a way of getting help. There were also an equal number of people who looked at it as interference or an annoyance, and even though it was easy to turn off, represented something of a bad direction in interface design.

Q: It seems as if you've been slowly phasing him out since Office XP.

A: Yeah, that's true. We started with making him easy to turn off, which started with Office XP. In Office 2003, it's actually off by default, so people don't get it when they actually install Office. They have to actually turn it on, if they want it, and in 2007, it met doom. There's no way to turn it on in Word, Excel, Powerpoint, or any of the new UI apps.

(How much do you want to bet the same people who looooved Clippy are the same people who annoy the heck out of librarians?)

Fucking Yahoo. I just had to turn that fucking search assist thing off AGAIN for the second time in a fucking DAY. Fuck off, Yahoo. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO USE YOUR GODDAMM FUCKIN SEARCH ASSIST ALREADY. WHAT THE FUCK? Does it hurt somebody's feelings that I just want to type the fucking words myself or something?

Oh, I hate that goddamned clippy. Almost as much as I hate clippy, I hate that fucking dog that comes on in the XP filesearch window. I ALWAYS have a particular filename or type I need, I don't need that goddamned dog to ask me what kind of file I want to search for. No, pound-bait, I don't want to search for "any fucking kind of image file", I want a fucking jpg or bmp and I know which I'm looking for. And if I'm looking for a doc, I'll damned well search for "doc". Or "xls". Or whatever. I don't want to have to click through an extra step.

Oh, and just for the benefit of the geeks at Microsoft, YES I GODDAMNED WELL KNOW THAT IF I HAPPEN TO CLICK ON "PROGRAM FILES" OR "WINDOWS" I WILL SEE FUCKING SYSTEM FILES AND FILES THAT SHOULD NOT BE DELETED BUT THERE'S A REASON I CLICKED ON THAT FOLDER OR I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING CLICKED ON IT.

Jesus. Too many meetings. I need beer.

Emily, sometimes I get a little weirded out by what the search assistant thinks I'm looking for. . . like out of curiosity I started typing "pecan" but three letters in it's suggesting "pecados ajenos" and "pertama kali pecah dara"--WTF??? Sounds like spammer jibberish.

An obscure effoff to stearic acid. The ingredient is not an allergen, evidently ... to anyone but me. So every lotion manufacturer, and all the hypoallergenic facial cleansers, even effing lip balm, use the stuff. A big 18 point font effoff to the manufacturers who put the ingredients lists in such tiny letters than I have to go home and read it online before I can determine if I can use the bleeding product. Oh, what the heck. A crackling, oozing-blistery allergic effoff to them all. If they can't bother putting different ingredients in different products, why bother having different products at all?

Bureaucrats who are absolutely terrified of assuming even the remotest vestiges of liability can fuck off and die. And I mean FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!

My job is hard enough, I do not need to deal with or through people whose feel they must act as professional speed bumps in order to keep the organization safe from harm and law suits. Grow a spine, asshats.