it comes in pints?

Whatever is bothering/upsetting/stressing Emily can FUCK THE FUCK OFF!

As for me, I'm just glad this week is over....

Unfortunately, I thought it was over *yesterday*. (Coulda sworn yesterday was Friday.... siiiigh...)

What they said.

Emily's problems can take a flying leap at a rolling donut dipped in bubbling cheese.

Contracts can FUCK OFF. Managers who don't understand contracts can FUCK OFF. Lawyers can FUCK OFF. The contracting system can FUCK OFF AND DIE.

And odious, greasy, slimy, self-centered, ass-kissing, lying, skirt chasing males who skulk in the background, screwing with people and manipulating the system to their own ends can FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK OFF while getting ass-plowed by an ice cream truck whose contents have spoiled to the point of being contaminated with dangerous bacteria.

Thank you. I feel much better.

"...while getting ass-plowed by an ice cream truck whose contents have spoiled to the point of being contaminated with dangerous bacteria."

CLASSIC.

Hear hear!

All I got is bad grammar - such as the For Sale sign in the minivan that pulled up beside me in the gas station. It "run's great."

Gaaaaaah. Use five bucks of the proceeds to buy Strunk and White's "Elements of Style," for pity's sake. It's not even a noun and you pluralized it with an apostrophe. Why? WHYYYYYYY?

Shakespeare wept.

PS - the "hear hear" was meant to support you in your troubles, Emily, but Jeff intervened while I typed. It was a classic line, though.

People in the media who love trying to cause panic by reporting "OH NOES THEY'RE RATIONING RICE!" can FTFO.

As far as I can see, it's not "true" rationing - it's rather more like the situation with the Wii, where there was temporarily limited supply, and so they limited the numbers that a buyer could get to avoid resales (or in this case, hoarding).

Please, people in the media: I know you thrive on making people panic. But you are making people do EXACTLY what these sales-restrictions were put into place to restrict: panic buying of a temporarily-limited commodity.

So, media freak-out whores, you can get assplowed by a waterbuffalo being ridden by fat Malaysian.

The grocery store around the corner from the courthouse here has signs up that say

[Town name] "Proud".

Seriously? What IN XENU'S NAME made them decide "proud" needed QUOTATION MARKS? (But see how I used them correctly there?) What was wrong with the sign just saying "[Town name] Proud" with maybe an exclamation point?

I swear I'm going to turn into that guy on the news the other night who walks around with a Sharpie and Wite-Out correcting signs.

The grocery store around the corner from the courthouse here has signs up that say

[Town name] "Proud".

Seriously? What IN XENU'S NAME made them decide "proud" needed QUOTATION MARKS? (But see how I used them correctly there?) What was wrong with the sign just saying "[Town name] Proud" with maybe an exclamation point?

I swear I'm going to turn into that guy on the news the other night who walks around with a Sharpie and Wite-Out correcting signs.

Oops, sorry. Double-posts can fuck off.

Comments posting really slow can fuck off. I know this isn't exactly the best place to ask for patience, but please accept my apologies for whatever the fuck is going on at Hosting Matters that's causing this.

Having way too many FUCK OFFS and not enough time to write them all down can FUCK THE FUCK OFF, WITH OR WITHOUT A STRUNK AND WHITE, IN LESS THAN 500 WORDS.

Hit-and-run fender benders can FO.

The neighbors can fuck off. I thought it was a gift from heaven when the white trash packed their Astro Van and left. I even took it as a kindness with Lee and Patty came over to introduce themselves.

Turns out they're yardkeeping motherfuckers, and they can fuck off. Who the fuck mows at seven in the morning? Twice a week?!?!?!? I'm on everhumping vacation, over here. I'd prefer to keep the 7 AM wakeup calls from John Deere to a none-a-month maximum...

Can't you go down to the fucking Hardee's with the rest of the retirees, tell fishing stories and eat bacon biscuits until a decent fucking hour? I dunno. I'm thinking noon-ish.

Just because you wake up at 5:30 doesn't mean the rest of us have to.

These people are wasting a perfectly good retirement, in my mind. And they can fuck off just for that.

Tommy,
Be grateful they haven't formed a home owners' association. The only thing worse than one of those made up of bored retired people is...fuck, I don't know. Death?

Sorry about the sucky week, Emily. This too shall pass.

The property managers of my former apartment can fuck off for enclosing the most insincere letter and not bothering to proofread it. "We enjoyed having you as residents of our apartments"? Um, for starters--I'm only one person. Additionally, "enjoyed"? No, you HATED me and gave me a hard time on every phone call, and in the end, you told me, "If you don't like it, you can leave." That's a direct quote. It doesn't exactly smack of enjoyment IMO. So now that I have my security deposit back--in full b/c I left it BETTER than I found it (i.e. clean)--you can roll up the now defunct copy of my lease and shove it up your sleazy bums with rusty nails dipped in enchilada sauce. Better yet--go over to my old place and give the roaches a show while you're at it.

"...you can roll up the now defunct copy of my lease and shove it up your sleazy bums with rusty nails dipped in enchilada sauce. Better yet--go over to my old place and give the roaches a show while you're at it."

*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*

Kate is the WINNAH of the day!!!!

And thank you, Emily. Feel free to apply said ass-plowing to the ass-hats giving you the FO worthy week.

Thank you, Jeff S. I couldn't have done it without the help of PMS and sleep deprivation--and of course, the support of all my fellow FFOT comrades. You're truly inspiring when you're enraged.

Unexpected deaths in the family can totally FO. They totally screw up good plans and make normally great-mannered people feel totally crappy.

Mother fucking, Jury rigged plumbing can also totally fuck off. I hate having to repair handles and other stuff on my house that shouldn't be breaking in the first fucking place. I have guests and it is totally crappy having to tell them that they have to turn on the shower with a wrench...

And students who beg and plead to be allowed a make-up test "because we were out of town at a sports thing" and then who NEVER show up to EITHER of the appointments they made to take the make up can FTFO.

What do you think, skippy? That I can pull a make-up test right out of my butt - that it takes no time and effort on my part?

You, skippy the wonder student-athlete, are why my future policy will be NO makeups NO NEVER. Not for any reason. Not "because you had a sports thing." Your coach can call me and take it up with me. It is your responsibility to let me know AHEAD of time and make an arrangement you can STICK TO.

I am so sick of people asking for all kinds of entitlements and then not be able to hold up one tiny crappy bit of their end of the bargain.

Of course, the fact that skippy the wonder student-athlete failed to show up to class on the NEXT day we had a test- therefore putting him 2 behind - means that my sympathy for him is less than a protozoan's waste.

I would like to offer a hearty fuck the fuck off with ice encrusted knobs to the snow that is in the forecast tonight. We're only getting an inch or so here and it won't last long, but they are talking up to 15" in parts of northern Minnesota. Dear God, just please make it stop.

And fair warning: when we get a hot spell this summer, and you know we will, I swear to Gore that I'll punch the first person who says "global warming".

The government of the state of New Jersey can FTFO.

Is it the rampant corruption? Brutal overspending and fiscal mismanagement? Detectives who enjoy themselves with cows? Well, yes, all those are fine reasons, but it turns out that I got a jury duty summons...

...which would be perfectly kosher with me, except that these morons sent it to an apartment I haven't lived in for nearly two years.

This was two counties ago! I wasn't even engaged to my wife yet! How on earth can I file STATE TAX RETURNS and change my driver's license addy and voter's registratons and they STILL don't know where to find me? But if I don't call them in time, who catches nine brands of grade-A crap? BINGO.

Doofuses. They can fuck the fuck off with a thirty-page indictment wrapped around a gavel and jammed home wrong-end-to.

Ricki, I was basically confused with the majority of the population of the so-called "student-athletes" of the schools I attended. The ones who were only "students" by virtue of the fact that they were fucking MATRICULATED in an institution of higher learning so they throw a ball around in order to ramp up the deflated egos of the super-annuated, bloated, sagging-muscled, fuckstick jock alumni boosters longing for their glory days and fill stadium seats, beer-goggle chicks at parties, mouth-breathe in ceramics class, or otherwise occupy space and piss off professors like yourself.

'Fly, aren't jury duty summonses by county in Jersey? Much as the state goobers have problems, I suspect this is a local issue.

Oh, and hooray for being in the company of like-minded pedantic types.

What in the fucking fuckity fuck is so motherfucking hard about possessive pronouns?

What is so difficult about it's vs. its? You're vs. your?

Oh and THEN, the "I" and "ME" thing drives me up a wall.

How about "Ricki and ME are going to the basketball game to watch her star student-athelete tonight!" GAH. NO. NO. NO. It's "Ricki and I..."

Even worse? "Ricki and MYSELF were going to go see the Allman Brothers tonight, but she had create motherfucking make-up exam for her pointy-headed titty-baby "student-athlete" instead."

Bleh. Seems like about 25% of the population gets that correct.

As well, why, conversely, when the proper pronoun is "ME", will people say "I" instead? Because they think it makes them sound all smart-like. And shit. And stuff. Ya know.

Lisa! Great news you posted today! Guys -- it looks like all of our efforts telling cancer to fuck off worked!

Susanna,
The "I" when it's supposed to be "me" thing bugs me. Maybe that's because of the irony of it. No, you don't sound smarter, moron. Quite the opposite.

Okay, and while we're on the subject of language and pretentious jackasses, one thing that really, really fucking bothers me beyond controlling my rage is when people use a thesaurus to find the most obsure, archaic word imaginable to say "table" or some other common word because they think THAT'S smart. It isn't. It just means you know how to use thesaurus.com. You look especially stupid when you replace common words with ones that have completely slipped out of modern usage. Fuck off and write like a normal person. You look like a fucking tool.

Cha-ching! Cha-ching!

That's the sound of a fucking douche canoe paddler cashing in on some $10 words.

I also love it when pretentious fucks pepper their speech with French or Italian phrases.

Guess what, Pepe Le Pew... you're That Guy.

..."fucking douche canoe paddler cashing in on some $10 words."

Hahahahahaha.

Ken - they are. I am ineligible to be paneled where they are summoning me. But they have my voter registration and such. Failing that, it shouldn't be too hard to verify where I actually live through the DMV. (Or MVC, or PCP, or what-the-hell-it-is-now.)

Fucking parents who raise their kids on video and computer games, get free school lunches, don't ever respond to requests for parent-teacher meetings, or else lie their fucking ass off promising to be there, sign the nightly homework and notices about their kids' failing grades but don't help the kid do anything at home because it's far too easier to let the kid just play the video games and get fat on fucking McDonalds, and then call the teacher a racist because their kid will have to repeat a grade can FUCK THE FUCK OFF AND DIE ABANDONED IN A STATE-RUN NURSING HOME BECAUSE THEIR KIDS WILL TREAT THEM WITH THE SAME CARE THEY RECEIVED.

Speaking of homeowners' associations...anyone who has ever had any bad experiences with them should enjoy the Over the Hedge movie.

Here's a memorable line from HOA commandant Gladys Sharp: "The homeowners charter, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is two-point-five."

Talking emoticons can suck radioactive sewage.

My HOA told me I had mold on my house.
Well Hell-the-fuck-O! I live in a town called, of all things, "The Woodlands". As in Wood. Lands. Woodlands. Woods have moss, n'est ce pas? So I got out the bleach and a broom and got rid of the moss. The very next month the yard nazis send me a nastygram: "Paint your house."
Cram that paint brush where the moss grows, buddy.