it comes in pints?

Pissants who pass on the right to gain two frickin' car lengths can fuck of with knobs on.

Amen, Emily. Condescencion sucks.
I asked a coworker what "BKV" stood for. He told me "BK Virus". Mmmkay, what does BK stand for. He thought for a few seconds, then said, "Oh, I can't remember. It's a big long word." As if it was too complicated for me to understand.
Two clicks on Google later, I find out it's not "some big long word": it's the initials of the person who first contracted the disease! Idiot.

Probably anybody who starts anything with, "You should. . ." is better off stopping right there with the unsolicited advice, IMO.

I hate making it a personal one this week, but after what a so-called friend pulled over the weekend I've been pretty miserable this week and I need to blow off steam, big time.

The handful of friends who have been doing a friendship balancing act for the last three years between me and the Ex, especially the ones who didn't tell me they were still in touch with him, can fuck off. When he left and people started acting weird it was almost as if I'd gone through a divorce. I'm trying to get away from all that and it's starting to feel like pity and leftovers when you, Mr. In-town-from-CA-for-a-conference (hah), don't call me in advance to tell me you're going to be in town and call me at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday for drinks BECAUSE YOU HAD LEFTOVER TIME FROM ATTENDING THE EX'S REHEARSAL DINNER. Dude, I only picked up the phone b/c I thought you were in CA. I was having an awesome day until you called. You probably meant well, but don't patronize me. I knew where you'd been and I'm not going to mitigate your guilt or make you feel good for giving me "equal time." I'm fine that he's married now. I can't think of two people who deserve each other more and I hope they can make it work. While I do wish I'd found a good husband by now, I'm glad he wasn't it. (And how sick is it that they got married exactly three years to the day he broke up with me? The date was starting to get fuzzy for me, until this shit happened, so that can all fuck off, too.)

Bottom line: all those "double agents" can FTFO.

Oh, Julie, people who answer back when you ask a perfectly simple question as if they don't want to bother because you just wouldn't understand piss me off. Once, when I was in college, we had this one snobby customer at the restaurant where I worked - one of those hyper-intellectual types that wears a fucking beret to make sure everyone knows how smart they are. Anyway she comes in one day and was talking about some rare species that had shown up at the local bird sanctuary in the area. I asked her what kind it was and she just looks at me like I was fucking retarded and says "it's only for people who know about birds."

How the fuck do you know I DON'T know about birds, you stupid cow?

Bosses who scream and curse on the phone at employees loud enough to be heard TEN FUCKING FEET away AFTER the volume is turned down can fuck off with a cheese dipped cell phone.

I'd heard that he did this, but never experienced first hand. Fortunately, I was not the person holding the receiver.

Getting your hopes over something can fuck off.

That is all.

Jebus, I keep forgetting to switch back from Chippy-mode.

Kate - that guy gets a hearty fuck off from me as well. Fuck all those people for treating you like that. It pisses me off. Will it cheer you up if I tell you that you're awesome and we're glad to have you around?

Whatever got Cullen's hopes up can fuck off, too. So can that goddamm boss Jeff's talking about.

Students who have sat around all semester with their thumbs up their asses, and then come in on the fucking last day of fucking classes whining about how they really, reeeeeeaaaaalllly need a "B" in the class and then demand I total their points up right then and divine what minimum grade they must achieve on the final - when their grades have been posted on the online site all freaking semester - and who come in and give me their sad, sad stories while I am DESPERATELY trying to grade papers for another class so I don't have to pull all-nighters this weekend to get my fucking gradings done can fuck the fuck off with severe prejudice and lots of bleu cheese.

Oh, and any student who uses me as their therapist can fuck right off. I don't want to hear about your sad break-up. I don't want to hear about your dysfunctional family. It is Too Much Fucking Information (TMFI) and I don't CARE. And besides - if you had your sad, sad breakup that you didn't see coming before it happened two weeks ago, how does that explain or excuse all the homework you failed to hand in two months ago?

Sorry. My sympathy gland is all out; I can't squeeze even a drop for you.

Ricki,
That's so inconsiderate, when students drop that shit on YOU. Like you don't have your own share of problems, yet still manage to make it to class and be in your office when you're needed by them.

Assholes. You don't belong in college and you certainly don't deserve an instructor like Ricki.

Teutonic car companies and all their concurrent glandular proclivities can fuck the fuck off with defective abs brake computer nodules that cause me to fail inspection because the fucking spikey helmeted dirigible plookers who designed and built the cheaply made fucking things built them so fuckulatorily flimsy that they fail and completely fuck up the entire computer system in the whole fucking car and make the brakes go tits up so i nearly spin out driving back from the inspection i failed because of these kartopfel salat humping bastards who now want to charge me a fucking grand to rectumfy their fuckheaded design flaw.

Master race my fucking ass.

That's what you get for not buying American, you traitorist, fascist Hun.

Kate, I totally understand. I used to jokingly say "my ex got custody of our friends", but it was to hide the hurt. Not one phone call from any of them after they found out I had asked for a divorce. The coworkers I told said, "But he's such a great guy!" (My response: Yes he is. YOU live with him. He's available now.") Even my own sister, when I told her that the marriage was over, told me that "Tell S------ (my ex)that if he ever needs to talk, call me."
The only relationship that improved was the one with my in-laws. His parents and I get along better now than we ever did. When he got remarried, they broke the news to me. They soon found out what kind of a person he married (we call her The Antichrist), and now refer to me, not her, as their daughter in law.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, hang in there. There IS hope. Idiotic former friends aside, it will get better. (And it sounds like you're better off without those "friends", IMHO.)
Hugs.

You're 100% correct, dearest Emily. The next car will be an American one like our other Honda.

Where should I bite you, by the way?

Kate, that is so crappy. I'll schmack the sumbitch upside the head with a 2x4 if you'd like.

"Tell S------ (my ex)that if he ever needs to talk, call me."

Oh, Julie, that's terrible. And from your own sister! I'm so sorry. I hope you're over it, because you don't deserve that kind of shit.

Bingley - I'll tell you once I get my shot record updated.

Good idea, Em.

Julie, wow. I'm sorry.

You guys are awesome. Why don't you live closer??? I promise it's not all drama 24/7.

Aside to Julie--the "Antichrist"? Hahahaha! That would fit in this case, too. She's most evil "holy roller" I've ever encountered.

Oh, and we always know when poor Ricki is dealing with idiot students b/c she breaks out the f-bomb for real. Those students deserve it. School's hard sometimes, and shit happens, but I've never tried to take advantage of my professors like that. They put the rules out from day one.

Julie - that is sucktacular. I'm sorry. (Some people can't fuck off enough, can they?)

So many friends are having tough times right now. I wish I could bake cookies for all of you.

I had a rant all ready about a "friend" of mine, but Kate and Julie made it seem less important than I thought. I'm so sorry, ladies! That sucks!

"All" my friend does is judge...what I eat, what I spend...my family, etc. I thought friends were supposed to be supportive? Not constantly pointing out how you could make better choices. Like HER way is the ONLY way to live. We've been friends for years, but I am so done with this part of it. She can fuck off with a burrito and all of my bank statements.

Kate, that really does suck. My sympathies, and a cluebat for any "friends" who aren't friends.

Maggie, people who think that something that works for them (dietwise, carwise, time-spending-wise) should be how EVERYONE has to live can FTFO.

I know people like that, they are miserable and tiresome to hang around with. If I wanted someone bitching at me about what I eat, I'd hire a nutritionist. I hear enough damn news stories that say I'm killing Gaia because I don't walk to work (through the pit-bull-infested neighborhood north of me) instead of driving my car. I don't need to hear those kind of judgments from people who are supposedly my friends.

I have actually SAID "OK, you win: you are officially Better Than Me" to one of these people and he STILL didn't cop a clue that he was pissing me off.

(And now, back to that grading...I'm about 1/3 done)

I hate to say it, Ricki, but some of those "you're killing Gaia" people would be happier if the pit bulls ate us. 'Cause, you know, animals are sacred and people are pollution.

Thanks again, guys--it's great having a place where I can just get it off my chest, no judgments. It was kind of you to offer cookies, 'Fly. . . the fries I got from the Wendy's drive-thru were comforting. (Probably killed Gaia twice with that one.)

ricki, I am with you on the student thing. I can't imagine I was ever such an inconsiderate prick as many of my students are.

Finals week can FTFO with cheese. Bring on summer.

Speaking of the judgemental food Nazis, vegans and vegetarians who have to take every opportunity possible to remind you of their "lifestyle choice" (because that's the kind of douchewad description they will inevitably give it) just to feel like they're better than everyone else can fuck off. I don't care what the fuck you fucking put in your mouth and digest, asshole. And no, it's not impressive to anyone other than people like you that you don't eat fucking cheese, m'kay?

I'm not talking about all vegans/vegetarians. Just the ones who think everybody else in the world cares. Wake up assplungers. WE DON'T.

OH! Emily, I just remembered what your rant reminded me of - the scene from Good Will Hunting in the bar, when Will dresses down the obnoxious college kid spouting blurbs from his textbooks. "How do you like them apples?"

Aww, you guys are wonderful.
Suffice it to say, you really learn who your friends -- and family -- are when you go through something like divorce. It was a painful lesson I had to learn eventually, and I'm just glad I didn't waste the rest of my life with those loser "friends".
The sister that said that... let's just say it's never been the same between us since then. She has proven her colors many times, and most of them are shades of green (envy) and yellow (cowardice).
Fortunately my other sister is totally opposite, and we have become really close since Mom died. So... you takes the good with the bad, n'est-ce pas?
But Kate and Maggie May and all the others out there who have been judged and sentenced without a trial... At times like this I like to quote Dr. Sydney Freeman:
Ladies and gentleman, take my advice: Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice."
:-)

NF - hahaha! I remember that.

I once had a guy come in here after I wrote a post mentioning that I had just watched a documentary about Amish kids on rumspringa. Mind you, I did not write ONE FUCKING WORD on the subject, just mentioned that I liked the documentary. This asshole tells me that rumspringa is largely a myth and that I should go read the Wikipedia entry about it to learn more.

Um, dude? Yeah, I said I watched a DOCUMETARY about it. Do you know what that means? It means I watched kids on fucking rumspringa while they were in the middle of it. Not only that, on the subject of books and articles about the Amish and their way of life, I have read VOLUMES. And you just recommended I read a Wikipedia entry because you've probably had interactions with some Amish people in ONE SINGLE DISTRICT? You do know that they vary quite a bit in customs and practices from district to district and that your local experiences with the Amish do not necessarily reflect them as a religious group on the whole, right?

And he was talking to ME like I was the one who was stupid and ignorant? Fuckhead.

Man. This is fucking refreshing. I mean, like, I'm used to fucking talking with fucking grunts where every fucking other damned word has to fucking start with an 'f'. It's like being back at my fucking home- without the fucking incoming.

Hahaha, that shit happens all the time Emily (I remember that, by the way). I just had someone post a comment basically telling me that they were an expert on Irish immigration because...they had seen "Gangs of New York."

This shit just cracks me up sometimes.

Emily...wait, you watched a filmed documentary on rumspringa and some douchebag comes in and tells you you "need" to read the Wikipedia entry on it to know the "real truth"?

Pardon me for a few minutes while I roll around on the floor laughing.

(The Simpsons haven't been very funny of late but in last week's episode there was the line, "Eh, we'll change it [an entry on Wikipedia that said something counter to the misinformation Homer had] when we'll get home."

I totally want a clip of that to show my students when they complain that I don't let them use Wikipedia as a source.

Yes, Ricki. And he did it with that talking-to-a-four-year-old tone. I guess the clouds were blocking his view of Irony Mountain.

Bingley - I know. I've written and read a lot about Northern Ireland and the Troubles and I always get a kick out of people who think they have some understanding of the situation based on the movies they've seen (all of which contain glaring historical inaccuracies).

And the Sc*entology ads at MySpace can fuck off.

I guess the clouds were blocking his view of Irony Mountain.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome. The guy probably thought that the documentary was "Witness." Either that, or he'd just updated the wiki entry himself and wanted you to go see it.

ButtWhole Foods can fuckity fuck the fuck off with their parade of Kool-Aid drinking fucktard simpletons who work at the cash registers.

Apparently these pie-eyed morons are fed sheets of windowpane blotter acid and released from their organic composting goat-fucking compound every morning after being indoctrinated in how to piss off even the most mild-mannered of shoppers.

To wit: I have a cart with grapes, bananas, artichokes, a 32 oz bottle of body lotion, a 32 oz bottle of bath gel, two bars of soap, two tubes of toothpaste, a half a dozen bagels, a pound coffee, several bottles of silly Italian soda, oatmeal, some cheese. Probably some other shit I've forgotten.

After ringing up my over-priced goods, the glazed-over moron asks, "Did you bring a bag for your items?"

"Pardon me?"

"A bag? Did you bring your bag?" He sways and glazes over.

ButtWhole foods has a fucking policy of NOT OFFERING MOTHERCRUSTING GROCERY BAGS for people who BUY FUCKING MILK AND CHEESE AND FUCKING GROCERIES FROM THEIR FUCKING GROCERY STORE.

Fucking yahoos. It would be one thing if this goatfuck was smug, but he was like a cult member. He had no idea the pap he was being fed. He had no fucking idea why I was pissed off.

He didn't get it why I might have a problem stuffing the grapes in my shorts and the toothpaste in my shirt and the bath gel in my purse and buying one of his FUCKING SAVE THE WORLD BUTTHOLE FOODS REUSABLE GROCERY BAGS EVERY FUCKING TIME I CAME IN THE FUCKING STORE.

I'm not buying what you're selling, son. Pave the world. Gimme a plastic bag, double-bag it, so I can pick up my dog's turds with it. I will re-use it that way. And fuck off.

Nightfly - given other less-than-pleasant interactions I have had with this guy, I'm guessing his real motivation was misogyny (and I don't throw around that word lightly. This dude, however, fits the fucking bill for sure). He just saw a girl that wrote something that he knew a teensy bit about and had to put her in her place for having the nerve to mention anything about it.

Susanna - in these parts some stores are talking about starting to charge for plastic bags. I think they already started doing that in San Francisco. They used to do that when I lived in Germany, so I've been used to bringing my own for a long time. I just fell into the habit and never fell out, but yeah...for that person to look at you like you just asked him if you could have one of his kidneys because you want a grocery bag? For your groceries? And to be such a fuckwad about his superiority for caring about Mamma Gaia more than you? Take it up the ass, shitstain.

I don't get the whole "carry your own bags" thing. When I grocery shop - which I do as infrequently as possible because I EFFING HATE my local grocery store and all the FLAMING IDIOTS who shop there - I buy lots and lots and lots of stuff. So am I supposed to round up all ten of the canvas bags I've acquired over the years from meetings and such and haul them with me through the store as I shop?

And what happens if all my bags get full, and I still have stuff? Do I have to balance it on my head to carry it out to my car like an African tribal woman?

Seriously. My life already has far, far too much planning in it. If I have to plan how many effing bags to carry to the effing grocery store, and maybe not buy something I need because I'm out of effing bags, my head is going to explode.

What's next? Them doing away with the grocery carts because they can recycle them and get all that cash for the aluminum?

Carry it out on my head in a basket like an African tribal woman... that's it!

Thank you, Ricki! Of course.

Oh my God. Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

My husband offered to stuff the bananas down his pants next time... see if he got any offers.

Ricki,
The reasoning behind it in Germany, at least when I lived there, was that the country was much smaller, with smaller homes that didn't have lots of cupboard space or room for a big refrigerator. Since the population is dense enough that most people live within a reasonable distance of shopping facilities, you pretty much did your shopping day-to-day, as you needed things (well, we didn't. My family shopped at the commissary on base). Also, they don't have a lot of space for landfills, so they can't afford the waste, at least not as much as we could. Most people had those little hand-pulled carts with a bag attached to them that they carried to the store.

I'm kind of the same way, since I've got a grocery store right across the street. I bring my own bag, but I can totally see how somebody like you with different habits would find it annoying.

Susanna,
If he does that, I demand a FULL report in DETAIL. Seriously, how fucking funny would it be to see seomone in a grocery store after that kind of interaction and just say like "okay..." and start stuffing shit down your pants, in your socks, back pockets...

If I can take a different route on the condescension thing....to the boss who, when nobody laughs at his jokes, feels like he needs to explain the whole premise...take a minute to fuck off.

Maybe I just didn't think it was that fucking funny.

Tommy,
Hahahaha. The "no, it's not ME. It's YOU. YOU just didn't get it." Nope. I got it just fine, asshole. You see, it's just that it SUCKED ASS, m'kay?

I am tempted to go in there dressed AS plastic bag one day.

What is Mother Gaia going to do when the reports come out that plastic is better than paper?

Capitulate?

Even my own sister, when I told her that the marriage was over, told me that "Tell S------ (my ex)that if he ever needs to talk, call me."

Smile sweetly and say, "Live? One-on-one? At three dollars a minute? You bet."

Susanna, you made me LOL. I totally dare you to walk into Mole Froods dressed as a plastic bag. Bet you make a few hippie heads asplode.

And yeah, I get the bring-your-own bag thing when you live just down the street from a grocery and shop there daily. But I cringe at the day when that rule is imposed on those of us who live out in the boonies and go shopping once a week (or less, if we can manage it and have enough room in the fridge).

I would happily tote my purchases home in a string bag - hell, I'd even happily WALK to the grocery - if someone were kind enough to build a grocery within a couple blocks of me and staff it with people who are not criminally insane. But when buying milk becomes basically a series of defensive manoeuvres, you tend to care less about things like not making the planet cry.

Um, tornadoes? Fuck off. Arkansas has met its quota, thank you.