it comes in pints?

The Royal Question

This is the thread where you can discuss the importance of whether or not Prince William will "pop the question."

Another famous celebrity gets drunk and goes into an anti-Bush tirade on TV!

Whatever

Get Lost

I don't watch very much network television. That's not some foolish statement of snobbery from someone who thinks it makes them sound smart to claim they only watch National Geographic specials on PBS or something. In fact, one of the biggest reasons why I don't bother is because I can't keep my shit together enough to remember to tune in to a weekly program on a given night. But at the end of last summer, I couldn't find anything decent to rent at Hollywood Video, so I grabbed the DVD for the first four episodes of "Lost," figuring I'd see what everyone was raving about. I was very impressed. I bought the entire first season on DVD shortly afterwards. When the second season was released, I bought that the day it came out.

By the end of the second season, the show was complete and utter crap. You're asked to forget a lot of reality on this show. I can do that. Engage suspension of disbelief. I can forget the unlikelihood of well over 50 people surviving what would otherwise be a deadly plane crash. I can overlook the fact that no airline in their right mind would allow a woman 8 months pregnant to fly. I can forgive psychic kids, tropical polar bears, unlikeable characters created just to be killed off for the sake of false drama so blatant that they have everything short of the words "FIRST TO DIE" tattooed on their foreheads, hatches, "others" and mauling smoke monsters. If you haven't seen the show and think that sounds ridiculous, you don't even want to know how much more absurd the plot has become.

This article pretty much sums up why I think American television sucks in general and specifically, why "Lost" went from great to stupid in just two seasons, with suggestions on how to fix it.

There is, however, a simple solution: Change the format, or at least reimagine it. When it so-called arc shows, we need something between a mini-series and an open-ended run. We need the TV equivalent of a novella: the limited-run show. Series driven by a central mystery (Twin Peaks, The X-Files) peter out precisely because they have indefinite life spans. The writers are forced to serve up red herrings until the shows choke on their own plot twists.

Heaven forbid producers and writers conceive of a show with a definite run that has a cohesive beginning, middle and end. No, why make good television when you can make mediocre-to-bad television and still make money? I honestly don't know how it has not occured to network executives by now that, after hours of silly fillers with the drama and suspense stretched thin, people are just plain not going to give a shit who killed Laura Palmer anymore. I suppose as long as people like the anti-geniuses that post on IMDb and elsewhere stay tuned, the writers will continue to insult the intelligence of their viewers with extremely ridiculous scenarios and character motivations that even a show with science fiction elements can't pull off. There are unthinking fanboys that will praise the show even after the alien invasion fails because the martians all got eaten by dinosaurs on the island that nobody had realized were there until yesterday. Of that I am sure.

That's not to say a certain lack of thinking isn't called for. It's television entertainment. It's supposed to numb your mind for an hour. But the slavish devotion of a certain portion of the audience has made the writers lazy. Even worse, thanks to the popularity, they've become arrogant. Every time I see one of those smug pricks giving some self-satisfied interview I want to smack them upside the head until what little brains they have come squirting out their opposite ear.

They may be fooling some people, but they ain't fooling everybody. A third of the original audience has said good-bye for good. And unless the writers can straighten out the mess they've piled out for themselves, I'm guessing a lot more viewers will follow. The kind of show that's built on mounting suspense cannot go on indefinitely raising questions, creating mysteries and accumulating character coincidences without giving any answers that aren't downright preposterous. All they're doing is cashing in on the cheap "ooos" and "aaaahhhs" that come with the arousal of instant gratification, all the while compromising the quality of the inevitable ending of the show, no matter how painfully long it takes to get here. A show like "Lost" could have been great for two seasons, maybe three tops. It's probably going to linger for seven or eight until all that is left is a long-ago memory of a once promising idea.

In the end, it's not really a big deal. It's just a TV show. But after spending over 50 hours (not at once, obviously) watching, I've made enough of an emotional investment to care if the writers drive it to pot with their sloppy and lazy work (all 15+ of them, which probably has a lot to do with the declining quality of the show). I'm just not going to stick around to watch it all happen.

What is wrong with this sentence?

I mean, beyond the probable judicial overreach.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. government discriminates against blind people because American currency is not designed to be distinguishable to visually impaired people, a federal judge said on Tuesday.

U.S. District Judge James Robertson said the government needed to figure out a way to design and distribute currency that includes an element to help blind people tell the bills apart.

That's not the sentence I'm talking about, but I added the emphasis because of the particular people we're talking about.

Here's the sentence I'm talking about:

"Of the more than 180 countries that issue paper currency, only the United States prints bills that are identical in size and color in all their denominations," he wrote.

Oy.

I barely learned to tolerate the new Big Head Andy before they foisted the Technicolor Andy on us. Now we'll have to deal with Old Blind Andy in some form. No doubt there will be a push to provide talking/calculating money to stop discrimination against the innumerates in our midst.

Things you don't want to read

After a hard day of work, when you're finally unlaxing with a good beer, and just clicking around the 'net for a little light humor before dinner, you really don't want to read this sentence:

They are the still-warm spermatozoa of a tall, shaven-headed Dane who ejaculated not half an hour ago in a booth at Cryos International Sperm Bank in Aarhus, a university town on the northeast coast of Jutland.

Okay, show of hands

That Michael Richards thing: Does anyone actually give a shit, tinker's damn, rat's ass, or flying fuck?

Okay, actually this is pretty funny (via Steve Young).

Premiere's 20 Most Overrated

An "admittedly rabid" dispatch from Premiere Magazine, containing what they argue to be the 20 most overrated films of all time. It's largely predictable and unremarkable, with the exception of the first entry regarding American Beauty, where the author of the allowed rebuttal writes "Sure, the characters initially come off as parodistic . . . until Willy Loman forgoes suicide in favor of burger flipping. But the film's stylish send-up of American suburbia is only surface anyway. Look closer, and you'll find a layered and humanistic meditation on the universal search for meaning."

That sort of condescending advice to "look closer" aside (gee? aren't I clever? I worked in the tagline from the movie. At any rate, if you didn't like the film it isn't that it was bad or simply didn't suit your tastes. It's that you weren't paying close enough attention. If you had, you would have recognized the brilliance the way I have), I thought the "send-up" was grossly superficial and laughably stereotypical. I've been promising myself for ages that I was going to write a "send-up" script myself ripping bloated, self-important type of films like American Beauty that seem to think that everyone who is not an artist, cop or lawyer living in a big city is a hopelessly bored, disillusioned, unhappy person who can only cure their mundane lives by killing either themselves or someone else. I think I just found my inspiration in that pompous rebuttal.

I think I may be in Love

In a somewhat more sane world, this chick and not David Cameron would be the leader of the Tory Party. I say that because of her politics, of course, and not just because she's fucking hot. But that's a nice bonus, too. And as the boundless optimist I always am, I'm sure there's still a chance she may yet be Prime Minister someday.

Oh yeah, and I see I just linked to the Daily Mail. I assume that means to the British component of our audience that I'm officially a right-wing nutjob. As if we didn't know that already.

Sadness ensues

Aw, man. We'll miss you until the muse reenters you.

I'm Back

And I thank you all for the kind comments.

Hehe...wicked awesome!

I may live in Florida, but I sure still know where I come from:

(via Jay, who scores 95%)

Some Seriously Random Demented Pop Culture Madness Crap

I have no idea how or why I found this:

It's a tough call, but my favorite little detail may be Santa Claus getting run over by the DeLorean from Back to the Future. And yes, before you ask, I do think this probably indicates I've finally lost my mind completely.

(FYI, for those who don't know about it already, this may help to explain a minor part of that. But only a little bit.)

"BE ADEQUITE"

Dear Parents,
Please allow this letter to serve as a warning to any of you who might consider allowing your children to forego an education in favor of a lucrative acting career.

That's A Relief

Click here for proof that there is a God.

Holiday/Administrative Announcement

As of this posting, the Friday FOT is scheduled in pencil to appear as always, ultimate promises not being made due to the uncertainty of a highly scientific equation balancing the ratio between turkey, cranberry sauce and other festive holiday fare versus the number of alcohol units consumed tomorrow. For those of you requiring the services of this thread, should it not be offered as a result of my self-induced illnesses come Friday, please feel free to use the comments below to vent your frustrations.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone taking part. And Happy 30th Birthday to one of my all-time favorites.

Off for a few

See you when I get back*

*For our more credulous friends, that means I'm coming back.

Robert Altman, R.I.P.

So long, Mr. Altman. Thanks for the flicks.

I Don't Suppose They Served Clams

This is creepy.

It has emerged a [Clam] adviser sat at every table during the reception at the [Italian] Castle to answer questions guests had about the unusual ceremony.

Invite guests to your wedding to shove your "religion" down their throats at the reception. "Tacky" doesn't even start to cover it. I know I shouldn't care about pointless crap like celebrity weddings, but to find out that the whole thing was just an elaborate setting to shill for the cult pisses me off.

Though I suppose when arriving guests stop to pose for pictures like this, the joke of it all actually becomes kind of comforting.

A Pints Poll - Women Singers

Who are your favorites?

An Appropriately Titled Song

Yesterday, I was trying to knock out some of my Christmas shopping early, which is something of a miracle for me. I was in some store that was blaring a song by Christina Aguilera called "Hurt," where apparently the young lady mistakes screaming in key at the top of her lungs for singing. It was so miserable I actually had to leave the store to keep my head from exploding like those aliens in Mars Attacks!

Don't get me wrong. I know that type of over-the-top vocal gymnastics takes years of training to make your voice that strong. I know it means making sacrifices that may involve not speaking for several days to spare your vocal chords any excess strain. I know that people who sing in that style sometimes resort to doing uncomfortable things to care for their "talent," like gargling or swallowing olive oil and avoiding air conditioned rooms.

I also know that it sounds like shit.

The Decline and Fall of the British Empire

Continues. (Subtitle: "Life Imitiates Monty Python YET AGAIN")

A SPICY sausage known as the Welsh Dragon will have to be renamed after trading standards’ officers warned the manufacturers that they could face prosecution because it does not contain dragon.

"Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?"

The sausages will now have to be labelled Welsh Dragon Pork Sausages to avoid any confusion among customers.

"Nevertheless, I advise you in the future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend 'Crunchy, Raw, Unboned, Real, Dead Frog' if you want to avoid prosecution."

Jon Carthew, 45, who makes the sausages, said yesterday that he had not received any complaints about the absence of real dragon meat. He said: “I don’t think any of our customers believe that we use dragon meat in our sausages...

Maybe they can exhume St. George and have him track one down.

Via Andrea.

Excited But also Definitely Freaking Out

Well, holy shit: I'm going up to Felony. Next week. Excuse me while I have a heart attack.

Zombie Bride Tips

With apologies for my contribution to the absurdly excessive amount of chatter fluttering around regarding a certain impending celebrity wedding, but I could't pass this up. It's one of the bitchiest, mean-spirited things I've ever read. And one of the funniest.

Some highlights on the marriage tips for "Kate":

Kiss on that adorable baby all you want, but please, stop slobbering on each other every time you’re in the public eye. We get it. You’re in love. You have sex. The baby proves it. Now, please exercise some decorum. For us. We haven’t kept a meal down for over a year.

Above all, Tom is a Good Samaritan. Why just recently, you both stopped on the road to aid at the scene of an accident. In 1998, Tom stopped a mugging. And in 1996 he rescued a family at sea. So remember, when danger strikes: 1. Dial 911. 2. Attempt CPR. 3. Text publicist.

No kidding. That man can't do anything without making it all about HIM. So, appropriately enough:

And as with your wedding, never ever under any circumstances invite Oprah. Tom should always be the most famous person in the room.

The best zinger of all comes at the end:

And most importantly, don’t make a sex tape. Tom might find it.

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

Maybe it was in anticipation of this thread. I don't know what set me off. This morning, as I stopped at the corner donut shop for a cup of coffee and a sugar buzz, the jackass in front of me was taking forever to give his order because, heaven fucking forbid he put the piece of fucking shit away for two minutes to order a donut, he was fidgeting with his cell phone. I'd had it. I wasn't the only one waiting, etiher. I could see the impatient faces of the other people behind me as the guy working the counter was telling Cell Phone Asshole how much he owed, who in turn played deaf while he txt msg ppl or whatever the fucking fuck shitheads do with those annoying gadgets. I snapped and said "PUT AWAY THAT GODDAM PHONE AND PAY THE MAN ALREADY."

Three people in line behind me clapped. In a way, it felt really horrible. I had reduced myself to this man's level of rudeness. I never do stuff like that.

In another way, it felt really, really, really fucking great.

Take it away, folks.

Is this for real?

Been swamped with work, so I'm not tuned in to much of the latest news. Still, I catch a little, especially on the radio, but I heard absolutely nothing about this until last night. Is this for real?

Seriously, this sounds like something that would have been splashed ALL OVER every media outlet, even bumping that talentless bimbo and her junkie-bum husband, who still infest a far-too-high percentage of airtime.

Do it, baby

Alan comments here:

Conservatives should make up their own politically incorrect nursery rhymes

YES! Have at it, boys and girls!

UPDATE: Here, I'll get you started:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
Then retained a shyster to extort millions from the landowner, despite having been trespassing and stealing water, not to mention stealing from the landowner's garden and vandalizing his house, while Jill claimed to have developed cancer from ingesting the water and sued Exxon because, hey, lack of evidence of a connection is not evidence of lack of a connection, and "everyone knows" that oil companies are polluters and we can't be expected to prove which oil company contaminated the water, or even that the water was actually contaminated which it obviously was because she got cancer even if we can't produce the medical records to prove it and why should we have to prove it anyway?

I'm also developing an idea about a guy named "Pumpkin" from San Francisco...

Oh dear

Milton Friedman has died.

Best unintentially funny line of the day

(Considering the location) Pointed out offline by Cassandra, and from the story noted in the comments by MM2:

And I thought, 'These feel like whiskers.' So I stopped, and the animal popped up. He/she looked at me.

Yeah, things are a bit, er, ambiguous in the City of St. Frisky.

Name that show

Kind of like "Name That Movie" but for TV. Finally getting out of here, very tired and want to do something fun, so let's see if anyone gets it by the time I get home. Or by tomorrow. Or ever.

"We don't have any homos in Texas. Live ones anyways."

I [Heart] Funny Spam

From the bulk box today:

To: Me

From: An Asshole

Subject: People laugh at you.

The Only Clinically Tested Penis N-largement Pills that works..

- add 1-4 inches to your peniis
- 20% thicker
- 5x more enjoyable orgasm
- or your monneyy back without question ask! [who the hell wrote this shit? Yoda? - Emily]

Join miilliions of delighted users which has been benefited
with "Product X".

I would include a link for Ken's benefit, but at his age the "5x more enjoyable" could be life-threatening.

Playstationary

When my parents came up to Humodlt to visit me after I graduated from college (I skipped the ceremony, as I do any ceremony I possibly can, with the exception of weddings with open bars), it was about a week after The Phantom Menace came out and my father and I got to talking about all the Star Wars geeks he'd seen around L.A., waiting in line weeks in advance to the opening of the film. His only comment was "all I can say is, God bless America."

In some ways, he had a point. We really are blessed, at least for the moment, to live in a place where thousands and thousands of people can dump their jobs, their families, their responsibilities and reality in general in antipation of something as trivial and unimportant as a movie. However, I really feel like, somewhere down the line, our culture is going to pay a very dear price for the kind of indulgence witnessed here. In anticipation of the newest version of Playstation:

Some gamers have been queuing for days outside shops, but others have been more enterprising.

"There are people that are very interested in a PlayStation and could not be here, so I'm representing them," Shelle Bloom, who is getting paid to queue for someone else outside a shop in New York, told the Associated Press.

In New York gamer, Sean Marshall said: "I took three days off work, so if my boss finds out, I get fired, but PlayStation 3 is worth it."

Idiot. I hope at some point during those three days your boss Googles your name. At least you'll have your Playstation 3 to comfort you when your stomach is grumbling as you are being handed an eviction notice.

Cultural Dialogue

Because taking swipes at overly-earnest yet clueless actors may be easy, but it's still fun:

[Angelina] Jolie plays the part of Mariane, wife Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl who was kidnapped and murdered in Pakistan in 2002 while investigating Islamic militants in the aftermath of the September 11, 2001 attacks on the United States.

"Playing her role is certainly challenging for me, as I have to make the world understand this woman and her family," the sultry actor, who has been shooting in India for almost a month, said in remarks published on Thursday by the Times of India.

"We need to tell the story of Daniel Pearl and the reason we are making this film is because it's very important to have a dialogue between the two cultures," she told the daily.

Barring a few background shots, the movie could not be filmed in Pakistan due to security fears and much of it is taking place in the western Indian cities of Pune and Mumbai.

What? These security fears couldn't have been subsided with cultural dialogue? Isn't that supposed to solve just everything? Never mind the stunning egomania of a person thinking they have to make "the world understand" someone who's put her own story down on paper herself. Worse, there's Jolie touting some rubbish about "loving all cultures." Really? ALL cultures? Even the violent ones? Even the racist ones? Even the ones that place the fault of rape on the victims? These are the thoughts of a person that some cultural and political leaders are actually taking seriously? Jeebus, lady, go back to being that weird chick with a vile of blood around your neck who made out with your brother at parties or whatever and spare the rest of us your juvenile world view.

It takes a village fascistic jackbooted nanny police state

I was just going to add this as an update to the post below until I read the whole thing. It's one for the FFO thread tomorrow.

Parents could be forced to go to special classes to learn to sing their children nursery rhymes, a minister said.

Those who fail to read stories or sing to their youngsters threaten their children's future and the state must put them right, Children's Minister Beverley Hughes said.

Their children's well-being is at risk 'unless we act', she declared.

And Mrs Hughes said the state would train a new 'parenting workforce' to ensure parents who fail to do their duty with nursery rhymes are found and 'supported'.

No doubt "support" = "gaol".

Mrs Hughes has established a national curriculum to set down how babies are taught to speak in childcare from the age of three months.

Her efforts have gone alongside a push by other ministers to determine exactly how parents treat their children down to how they should brush their teeth.

Tony Blair has backed the idea of 'fasbos' - efforts to identify and correct the lives of children who are likely to fail even before they are born - and new laws to compel parents to attend parenting classes are on the way.

[...]

The threat of action against parents who fail to sing nursery rhymes was unveiled by Mrs Hughes as she gave the first details of Mr Blair's 'national parenting academy', a body that will train teachers, psychologists and social workers to intervene in the lives of families and become the 'parenting workforce'.

[...]

Mrs Hughes condemned the way governments before 1997 thought they had no role in the upbringing of children, which it 'regarded as the entirely private arrangements families make.'

She praised the Government's record of pouring billions into state benefits for single parents, into providing subsidies for childcare, into pushing mothers into work, and into the 'Sure Start' children's centres.

That statement is far more interesting when juxtaposed with this part much farther down [All editing problems are in the original]:

Her speech to the National Family and Parenting Institute - an organisation set up by Labour eight years ago to further its family agenda - ignored the question of two-parent families which has begun feature in left-wing debate.

Mr Blair's Government has long declared that all families are equal. However, in recent weeks Work and Pensions Secretary John Hutton has acknowledged that children with two natural

Last week the Blairite think tank, the Institute for Public Policy Research, also acknowledged that children brought up by single parents are more likely to end up without jobs and on state benefits.

In other words, the government caused and subsidized the problems it supposedly wants to fix.

The decline of Britain is nothing short of appalling and I can't resist quoting a "Mad Magazine" item from many years ago. It was a poem called "Rudyard Kipling by Gunga Din". The last verse went like this:

Now we do the best we can,
Twice we've conquered Pakistan,
While the glories that were Britain's have grown fewer.
And while it may seem harsh and crude,
All this leads me to conclude,
Rudyard Kipling, I'm a better man than you were.

No shit, GD.

The Nanny State (updated)

Ricki has a great rant up about Food Nazis, so I thought I'd resurrect this:

By the way, if you want to get really militant, smoke 'em if you got 'em .

UPDATE: Oh Gee Zuss Kee Riced. Then I click over to Babalu and look what George has up.

Quote of the day

From Ossifer Vic, regarding this story:

He's a lawyer and he had to pay somebody to spit in his face?

Clam Vows

With stupid rubbish like this, I'm never short of amazed at how many people have been sucked into Hubman's Clam Trap:

In the old-fashioned language that marks the Traditional version, the groom is reminded that "girls" need "clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" -- and is asked to provide them all.

The bride, in turn, is told that "young men are free and may forget" their promises.

Yeah, that pretty much sounds like the kind of bull-honkey wedding vows that bigoted, wife-beating, megalomaniacal shit-for-brains would come up with.

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate clicking "no" by mistake when the screen asks me if I want to save all those changes to a file.

Time to declare war again

When a corrupt, anti-American government that bows to religious ideologues, oppresses its own people and in particular its own children, and institutes discredited racial policies, attacks the U.S. and its military forces, and there is only course of action:

You go in, kill lots scumbags, and remake the government to something resembling a modern representative democracy. For kicks, it's even fun to throw in a Shermanesque "March to the Sea".

Maybe it's time to do it to the scumbags in Frisco.

SAN FRANCISCO
School board votes to dump JROTC program

After 90 years in San Francisco high schools, the Junior Reserve Officers' Training Corps must go, the San Francisco school board decided Tuesday night.

Attacking the American military: check.

Dozens of JROTC cadets at the board meeting burst into tears or covered their faces after the votes were cast.

"We're really shocked,'' said fourth-year Cadet Eric Chu, a senior at Lowell High School, his eyes filling with tears. "It provided me with a place to go."

Oppressing its children: check.

The board's decision was loudly applauded by opponents of the program.

Their position was summed up by a former teacher, Nancy Mancias, who said, "We need to teach a curriculum of peace."

Yeah, yeah. Kumbaya and all that shit. Feckin' retard.

The board's move to dismantle the popular program was led by board members Dan Kelly and Mark Sanchez with support from Sarah Lipson and Eric Mar.

The usual cast of anti-American swine.

Casting votes against it were Jill Wynns and Norman Yee.

Small voices of sanity. They will be allowed in the new government.

"I think people should not despair too much," Sanchez said. "I think now the work begins -- to work within the community to develop new programs that will fulfill the needs of our students."

Oh. No "plan to win the peace" in place when the action is taken. Sounds a lot like what the Bushies were accused of.

Opponents said the armed forces should have no place in public schools ...

So much for choice and diversity.

...and the military's discriminatory stance on gays makes the presence of JROTC unacceptable.

Unlike the enlightened attitude toward gays taken by such forward-thinking countries as Iran.

"We don't want the military ruining our civilian institutions," said Sandra Schwartz of the American Friends Service Committee, an organization actively opposing JROTC nationwide.

Bowing to religious ideologues: check.

I always find it amusing how those who accuse Rethuglicans of bowing to religious ideologues are so willing to do it themselves. I wonder what the Berrigans are doing these days? Perhaps when King Elton gets around to banning religion, he'll start with the Quakers.

Opponents acknowledged the program is popular and even helps some students stay in school and out of trouble.

Yet they also said the program exists to lure students to sign up for the armed forces.

"Better that 1600 children be consigned to ruined lives than one should be allowed to choose the military."

Or something like that.

"It's basically a branding program, or a recruiting program for the military," Kelly said before the meeting.

Yeah, Kelly has been known for saying stupid things.

Now get this part:

The school district and the military share the $1.6 million annual cost of the program, with the military paying $586,000, or half the salaries of 15 instructors -- all of whom are retired military personnel... A budget analysis found that the district could hire nine teachers with the money the district now spends on JROTC -- enough to cover the gym and elective courses for the 1,600 students should the program be eliminated.

From 15 instructors down to nine. Such a deal.

Earlier, Mayor Gavin Newsom weighed in on the debate, chastising the board for the effort to eliminate JROTC.

"The move sends the wrong message," he said. "It's important for the city not to be identified with disrespecting the sacrifice of men and women in uniform."

You know, it's pretty sad when Gavin Newsome is what passes for the voice of reasonableness in your city.

Newsom also said he believed the vote would push more city residents away from the public schools.

"You think this is going to help keep families in San Francisco?" the mayor added. "No. It's going to hurt."

But the the City of St. Frankie of Asininity doesn't much like people like their kind anyway.

"I think the people who want to get rid of it have a responsibility to look at how we're going to pay for that and what we're going to do to replace it," [Wynns] added.

Gee, you think?

On other matters, the board introduced a resolution that makes race a factor in deciding what school a child will attend starting with the 2008-09 school year. No action was taken.

Oops. Almost forgot. Discredited racial policies: check.

Can't we just cut this place loose and declare war?

"Out Goal"

You've got to love the high quality of your hometown rag:

If out goal is bringing the Mideast into the modern world than capital punishment seems a step back.

I don't know if it'll be caught and corrected, but that's how it read as this was posted.

Chuckle

Jewpardy (Via Cassandra)

Dammit

How come nobody told me our dear, sweet, serial-commenter ricki now has her own blog? I can't be expected to discover these things on my own in any kind of timely manner.

I'm deeply disappointed in all of you who failed to inform me of this exciting development.

Too freakin' cool

Look at the picture Val has posted. How freakin' cool is that?

Gee. Zuss. Key. Riced.

This is friggin' unbelievable:

N.Z. Students Can Use Txt Speak on Tests
New Zealand High School Students May Use Txt Message Language on National Exams This Year

WELLINGTON, New Zealand Nov 11, 2006 (AP)— New Zealand's high school students will be able to use "text-speak" the mobile phone text message language beloved of teenagers in national exams this year, officials said.

Text-speak, a second language for thousands of teens, uses abbreviated words and phrases such as "txt" for "text", "lol" for "laughing out loud" or "lots of love," and "CU" for "see you."

Unbefuckinglievable.

However, it does remind me of a high school kid who never seemed to get a second date until a friend suggested he start text messaging "See You Later" instead of "See You Next Time".

UPDATE: Okay, I should learn my lesson and check Joanne Jacobs before I ever post an education item.

The Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month

Eighty-eight years ago today, the guns of the First World War fell silent. And via Andrea, I've learned that this extraordinary gentleman was actually there at the time:

Gov. Honors Florida's Last Surviving World War I Vet, 111

BRADENTON -- Ernest Charles Pusey, 111 years old and nattily attired in a dress shirt and light blue cardigan, smiled slightly when Gov. Jeb Bush walked in his trailer Friday and gave him a medal for helping win World War I.

...

Pusey is indeed special. He's one of just 15 living World War I veterans _ out of nearly 5 million who served _ and the only one in Florida. He was in the U.S. Navy from 1917 to 1919 aboard the battleship USS Wyoming, which spent much of the war patrolling the sea lanes around the British Isles.

We may have whipped the Kaiser's ass, but Uncle Sam seems to have REALLY taken his sweet time on this one...

Bush said Pusey didn't recall getting a medal after the war and nobody could find any evidence that he had. So giving it to him for Veteran's Day seemed fitting.

"Ernie Pusey is 111 years old, he is the oldest Floridian, third oldest American, fifth oldest in the world, the oldest surviving World War I veteran, and it's an honor to be able to give him his World War I medal,'' Bush said.

The first step was actually finding a World War I Victory Medal, since it's not like the U.S. government has them lying around anymore. Rocky McPherson, executive director of the Florida Department of Veterans' Affairs, got on the case and finally tracked one down in a shop in Quantico, Va.

Thank you, sir, and thank you to all who served and who continue to serve. Any words fail, but thanks to Nightfly, I have some of the Bard's that are far better than any I could come up with:

Let me speak proudly: tell the constable

We are but warriors for the working-day;

Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch'd

With rainy marching in the painful field;

There's not a piece of feather in our host--

Good argument, I hope, we will not fly--

And time hath worn us into slovenry:

But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim;

And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night

They'll be in fresher robes, or they will pluck

The gay new coats o'er the French soldiers' heads

And turn them out of service. If they do this,--

As, if God please, they shall,--my ransom then

Will soon be levied. Herald, save thou thy labour;

Come thou no more for ransom, gentle herald:

They shall have none,

I swear, but these my joints;

Which if they have as I will leave 'em them,

Shall yield them little, tell the constable.

--Henry V, Act IV, Scene 3

Wow

Cool stuff happening in Texas. Found these via my good friend Julie.

Sandwiches Rescued In 2-Vehicle Crash

HOUSTON -- Several sandwiches escaped harm when they were involved in a two-vehicle crash on Friday, KPRC Local 2 reported.

Houston, indeed, has its priorities straight. [UPDATE: Angie delivers the comment of the week: "I want to know what those sandwiches were doing out at 3am when all god-fearing sandwiches should be in bed. Talk about your uncovered meat."]

Anyway, I read that one at Julie's and clicked over to KPRC and found this:

8-Point Buck Prances Through Target Store
Deer Checks Out Holiday Section

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Store security cameras catch some pretty bold crooks.

The intruder caught on a surveillance camera at a Target store in Des Moines was a deer.

Okay, that's not in Texas, but check out the video from the security cameras.

Heh heh

A nice twist on the theme.

While you're there, I forgot to link to this one yesterday.

LONDON (AFP) - A man was rushed to hospital in Britain with severe internal injuries after trying to launch a powerful firework from his bottom, an ambulance service spokesman said.

I have nothing to add, but I'm sure there's an appropriate Monty Python reference here somewhere.

Your Art Linkletter moment of the day

It just had to be done.

The Brain Power of Enviro-Weenies

Via Tim Worstall, this is hilarious.

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

Yesterday morning, I was passing by a neighboring elementary school where there's some construction being done. All I saw was a bunch of guys hovering around a dormant bulldozer, smoking cigarettes and cracking jokes about "easy work." Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because the next time some politician, citizen's advocacy group, or teacher's union starts whining about needing more money for schools, I want them to know the exact reason why I am flipping them off while odering them to fuck off out loud. You have enough fucking money. Start spending it right or shut the fuck up.

To my fellow California voters who decide that the best time to actually read the text of the 167 billion voter initiatives on the ballot is when they are actually physically standing in the voting booth, FUCK YOU. You get a sample ballot in the mail weeks before the election just like I do. It will not kill you to spend 20 minutes of your personal time perusing it to decide how you want to vote before there are PEOPLE WAITING IN FUCKING LINE BEHIND YOU. You are not the only American who wants to vote, asshole. If your pea-sized demi-brain does not have enough capacity for you to actually commit your convictions to memory, then you can mark them down on your sample ballot and bring it with you so that it doesn't take you a fucking hour to vote.

Y'all* have the floor.

*In loving memory of Britney and K-Fed, 2004-2006. Romance is dead.

Great line

I think it was from the (often snide and always funny) people column in our local paper. I can't be sure because I was pretty punchy by the time the Sainted Bride told it to me, but it went something like this:

From now on in this column, K-Fed will be referred to as Fed-Ex.

Be proud of me. She didn't have to explain what a K-Fed was this time.

Brits. Talk To Me

You get Margaret Thatcher and the Queen. We get Nancy Pelosi. And your papers congratulate us. Is this some kind of payback for the Revolution?

Damn my back hurts

[wags finger] I tell you, no good can come of managers doing real work.

America's New Leadership

I'm sick of newspapers and headlines proclaiming that Democrats have "seized" the House and/or Senate. They did not "seize" anything. They won Congress in a peaceful, scheduled election that mercifully went off with few hitches. To say they've "seized" office implies a frothing-at-the-mouth mob storming the Capitol with torches after a successful test of the guillotine. Stuff it with the "seizing" rubbish already.

Here's an article that does just that, though it is entirely forgivable for offering the most unintentionally hilarious quote I've heard in a long time, from Representative Nancy Pelosi, who will presumably "seize" leadership of the House in her new term.

"The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America's children."

Insert any number of obvious jokes here.

(Link stolen from Mean Mr. Mustard.)

Jeez, I can't believe I forgot it

In talking about my week off, I completely forgot to mention one of the coolest things, but catching up on the Instaguy jogged the synapses.

You will remember, I hope, my post about Auntie's funeral. I mentioned the tape of the old home movies, including Christmases past. One was when I was five, and received an electric train set. Turns out, and I didn't know this until we were watching that video, that both my Mom and Auntie had always wanted a train set as kids but never got one, and that's why I got one that year. That train set got put away after Christmas, with Uncle Jack planning to mount it on plywood for me. Well, unfortunately, the train set was forgotten and life went on for lo these many years.

Until...

...while going through Auntie's house, my cousins FOUND THE FREAKIN' TRAIN SET. Yep, stored safely away and in pristine condition.

Sucker still works, too. I put it together and the kids had fun with it. Way cool.

Thank God It's Over

Seven messages on the answering machine when I got home last night, all of them political. I'm amazed that more politicians aren't savvy enough to realize how blatantly irritating those things are to the point where it hurts their cause more than it helps. Stop it. All of you. Please.

Anyone reading this who decided to vote for anything or anybody because they listened to a recording urging them to support X, Y, or Z by Robert Redford, Alec Baldwin, or some other Hollywood celebrity with no academic or scholastic credentials, please kill yourself. Immediately.

I'll save my bitching about actually going to the polls for Friday. It's going to involve too much foul language to complain now.

The good news about Democrats taking the House is that we won't have to endure months and months of lawyering over election fraud and imagined disenfranchisement. Because when Republicans win, it's only by acts of thuggery and abuse. When Democrats win, it's because The People™ have spoken.

And just for a little morning fun, if you can spare the efforts, count the number of times the word "unilateral" is used in this article.

It's a new day in Washington, but it will be more like yesterday than some people expect.

What were some people expecting? A complete overturn of all US policy? That politicians the American people voted into office will stop looking out for our interests, which is, you know, kind of what we elected them to do, in favor of Europhilia and multi-lateral orgies at the UN? I shouldn't whine too loud. At least the guy managed to actually fault Bill Clinton for something, which puts him slightly ahead of most of his comrades in Guardianista punditry.

So, there we have it. I know the peace and quiet of politics-free commercial breaks and the void of desperate mudslinging won't last long, but I'm going to relish every moment of it.

"Shoot where he was, he might come back"

So I realized I hadn't told you about my recent blogging hiatus, which some people assumed was permanent instead of just a week off without access to broadband. As if "catch you on the flip side" meant "never coming back". Ah well, at least some folks realized it.

Anyway, I went up to the ranch for a week to see family and friends and stalk the elusive blacktail. Saw family, saw friends, shared some great memories. A couple of our regulars didn't show up - they were still too broken up about Auntie to hunt this year (both were especially close friends to her).

We shared stories of the old crew, especially Uncle Jack, Auntie's husband, sadly lost 16 years ago. He was the greatest storyteller I ever knew and one hell of a card.

Jack, I saw a great buck.

Why didn't you shoot?

He got away too quick.

Shoot where he was, he might come back!

And of course, there was the time Uncle Jack yelled at three of the crew to jump in the back of the pickup because there was a great buck seen. So they jumped into the back, which had a camper shell on it. He slammed the tailgate and locked the camper shell and took off bouncing over the rocks. Oh yeah, Jack had killed a coyote - a very stinky coyote - and tossed it in the back before getting the guys in there.

Good times, good times.

Anyway, the little bro and I spent a lot of time during the week fixing stuff up and what not. Specifically, he fixed stuff, I just handed him tools and kept the nephew out of his way. I don't do tools well. I'm more of a supervisor.

A couple of the newest members of the crew, namely Daughter Number One and the son of the ranch's hired man, got their first bucks this year, which is like totally cool. Played some cards, swapped more stories. And a good time was had by all.

And now back to the real world.

Election Day

Thank God it's here. If I get one more phone call recording urging me to vote for some bogus proposition to help children (read: raise your taxes to make the state pay for stuff that people either already do or should be taking care of for themselves), I'm going to smash my telephone into little pieces.

Both Bill and Hillary called me this year. What an honor. I should have paid attention to what they were telling me to vote for so I would know absolutely not to, but what can I say? I was too star struck. It was just like the time Martin Sheen called my house to tell me that he's not really the President, but he plays one on TV and this is why I should listen to him instructing me on who and what I should vote for.

*Ahem.*

My polling place used to be a Muslim center a few blocks around the corner. There was something kind of empowering about walking into that place as a woman and voting. The upper walls are lined with portraits of what I assume to be high profile Muslim religious leaders. I always looked up and them and smiled. How do you like those apples, Mohammed? Anyway, this year, it's moved to some Christian church one street up. It's closer, but voting won't be as defiantly fun.

Maxine Waters is my Congressional Representative and she's up for re-election this year. I would like to apologize to the American people in advance for her victory at the polls.

Deer are vegans, right?

Reason I ask is that I just found out that November 1 was World Vegan Day, and fortunately one of the hunters in our crew got a buck that day. A nice little three point - sweet!

Hooray for World Vegan Day!

UPDATE: I really should add that, despite my poking fun at vegans, I do think it was very kind and thoughtful of them to schedule it during deer season. Yay deer season!

Still alive

Though apparently some thought my absence was permanent. It's not. Just back from out of town and expecting heavy work tomorrow to catch up so may be some light posting. And now to bed...

...wait. Gotta unload the frickin' car first. Crap.

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

I don't really have anybody to tell off today because I've had a pretty good week, but as I was reading the news this morning, I came across this story, which is one of those strange but beautiful things that always seem to happen at random.

Then I read the last line of the story. "He is putting the collection up for sale on eBay."

What a dick. The darkest confessions of human desperation and sadness have a price. Fuck off to the asshole who's selling it and fuck off to the asshole who buys it.

Take it away. The Fuck Off Thread is yours.

Awesomely Fun Music Meme

Originally via Cullen and since via Shannon, Shannon and the Nightfly, this thing looked like a lot of fun, so here goes for a frivolous Friday evening. With no potentially embarrassing omssions...

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "April Skies" by The Jesus and Mary Chain.
Waking Up: "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd.
First Day At School: "Only In My Dreams" by Debbie Gibson.
Falling In Love: "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
Fight Song: "Take Up Thy Stethoscope and Walk" by Pink Floyd.
Prom: "Pulling Mussels (From the Shell)" by Squeeze.
Life: "Lucifer Sam" by Pink Floyd.
Mental Breakdown: "Heat of the Moment" by Asia.
Driving: "No Myth" by Michael Penn.
Flashback: "It's a Mug's Game" by Soft Cell
Getting back together: "New Moon on Monday" by Duran Duran
Wedding: "Ceremony" by New Order. (I shit you not - Emily)
Birth of Child: "Pour Me A Vacation" by The Great Divide.
Final Battle: "American Music" by The Violent Femmes.
Death Scene: "Is There Something I Should Know?" by Duran Duran.
Funeral Song: "Chapter 24" by Pink Floyd.
End Credits: "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John.

Anyone else who's done this, please drop a URL in the links. This is one of the funnest memes I've ever found.